Parenting <- StackExchange top 100

Question

There’s a lot of information available about how long pumped breast milk can be kept for, generally citing different temperature ranges.

From the CDC (though the same reference is also cited by the Canadian Pediatric Society):

It’s cited that milk thawed from the freezer should be used within 24 hours in the fridge, or 1 hour at room temperature.

The Mayo Clinic has an article saying “Other studies have shown that refrigeration beyond two days might reduce the bacteria-killing properties of breast milk”, but no references to where this comes from or any further information.

My wife is exclusively pumping, and so there is a lot of milk cycling in and out of the fridge. She is always concerned about using milk taken out of the fridge (generally +/- 1 day old) within an hour or two. We often talk milk out (and let it warm up to room temperature), only to have baby fall back asleep. Is there a basis to how long fridge-temperature milk (stored at 3 degrees C for a day or two) can be out of the fridge for before it has to be used/tossed?

Answer accepted (score 13)

The Short Answer

Breast milk can be safely consumed if it has been at room temperature for no more than 6 to 8 hours total, which includes all of the time the milk spends above refrigerated temperature. So, if you heat it up to room temperature, then put it back in the fridge after half a period of time, you to account for:

• The time it takes to heat up the milk
• The time the milk spends outside of the fridge
• The time it takes for the milk to cool back down, once back inside the fridge. Depending on the initial temp, the bottle size, and the fridge temp, this could take another 30+ minutes.

The longer the breast milk stays above refrigerated temperatures, the less time it will be viable in the fridge. Guidelines say that milk in the fridge can last 5-8 days, but that time will be considerably less if the milk isn’t properly placed in the refrigerator immediately after pumping. Conversely, the longer the milk stays in the fridge, the less time it will be viable at room temperature. Continue reading for more explanation and details.

The Long Answer

In food service, temperatures that are ideal for breeding micro-organisms are called the Danger Zone or something similar. Different foods have different amounts of time they can spend in the danger zone based on the types of bacteria/organisms that grow on/in them.

Once a food has been taken into the danger zone, you also shorten its refrigerated expiration date. While fresh breast milk that’s immediately put in the fridge may last 5-8 days, a bottle that’s spent 2 hours at room temp may only last 3-4 days instead.

I don’t think you’ll find any hard data about how many more days a bottle will last in the fridge based on how long it spent at room temperature. That would have to be some very controlled experiments that, in the end, wouldn’t serve much usefulness.

To answer your question, we must make some inferences with the data we do have.

For instance, we also know that if you freeze the expressed milk at all, then after you thaw it out it must be consumed within 24 hours or thrown out.

So, we know:

• Keeping milk at higher temperatures decreases how long it will last at lower temperatures
• Keeping milk at lower temperatures does not necessarily preserve the initial maximum safe time at higher temperatures

Putting that together, and some general assumptions:
The longer the milk has been in the fridge, the sooner it will go bad. If it’s only been refrigerator for a day, then it should still be okay for about 6 hours. If it’s been in there for 5 days, I’d only give it 2 hours.

Your wife shouldn’t have to worry about using day-old milk within two hours. I’d be surprised if you didn’t get at least four hours. However, if the room/milk temperature is greater than 77 F/25 C, then it will last significantly less than the noted 6 hours.

Other factors to keep in mind that will affect how long milk last:

• The cleanliness of the nipple area before/during pumping
• How well sanitized the storage containers are if they’re reusable
• How well sanitized and maintained the pieces of the pump that contact the milk are
• Whether or not you store it in the back of the fridge (because the front meets warmer air every time the fridge door is open)
• How much you warm up the milk, if “serving” it above room temperature

Personal Experience

We never had problems with refrigerated milk spoiling within 1-2 hours. When my son was under 1 year old we’d often leave a bottle in his crib with him at night. The ones he didn’t finish would still be okay 4-6 hours later. We usually didn’t give it to him again, but if he woke up and decided to finish the bottle before we had a chance to take it there were never any problems. Rarely, if ever, did the milk stay in the fridge for longer than 2 days.

However, we did have times when milk stored in an insulated cooler bag with ice packs would spoil much faster than we expected, which made some of our longer car trips surprisingly more difficult.

Answer 2 (score 2)

My wife and I went through this with our first child. Digging through the internet searching for the perfect “hard-and-fast” answer. We took a different approach with our son (now 7 months). Just take a common sense approach. Smell it. It’s milk after all. If it smells bad… it is.

Question

We have a two week old child. He’s eating well during the day, eating at least 8 times a day, and is breast feeding. His weight gain has been ‘normal’ so far, and he regained his original birth weight by 10 days. We’re getting conflicting advice on how to handle feeding at night time. We have heard:

• feed him every 2-3 hours, just like during the day
• it’s ok to leave it 4-5 hours at night, as long as he doesn’t wake up and ‘ask’ for food
• let him sleep as long as he wants, and feed him when he gets up

Are there any studies or definitive answers out there for this? How should we handle the night time feeds? Sleep is obviously good for the wife and I, but how much food do we need to get in?

Answer accepted (score 32)

As long as he is getting enough in each 24-hour cycle, and he remains on-course on his weight chart, and if he can sleep 4-5 hours between feedings, then go with that and don’t wake him up.

I would only wake him if there’s reason to be concerned.

Answer 2 (score 10)

Let him sleep.

My son was born a bit on the small side, with low blood sugar and a small problem with maintaining body temperature (in the first days). We were told we have to wake and feed him every three hours, mainly because of the blood sugar issue. But after two weeks, we were told this is no longer necessary, and that we can now wait for 4-5 hours between feeds during the night. If your baby is of normal weight and has no health issues, I would guess that letting him sleep as long as he likes is really OK.

Answer 3 (score 10)

Let him sleep.

My son was born a bit on the small side, with low blood sugar and a small problem with maintaining body temperature (in the first days). We were told we have to wake and feed him every three hours, mainly because of the blood sugar issue. But after two weeks, we were told this is no longer necessary, and that we can now wait for 4-5 hours between feeds during the night. If your baby is of normal weight and has no health issues, I would guess that letting him sleep as long as he likes is really OK.

Question

My son is almost 3 (33 months) and for the past few months, he has been holding his poop in, to the point that he won’t go for many days a time. When this started, the doctor advised us to give him Miralax to make his stool softer so it comes out more easily. Even with the Miralax, he still managed to hold it for two days at a time sometimes, but at least it was coming out at all, so we continued with it.

Anyway, we’ve been giving him the Miralax for months now, and now he’s (supposed to be) going to preschool in September, which of course requires that he be potty trained. We don’t want to hold him back since he’s developmentally ready otherwise, so we started potty training a few weeks ago.

He picked up the potty training really quickly – for peeing – but he still holds his poop in no matter what. If he’s sitting on the potty, as soon as he’s about to do it, he stands up and just keeps holding it in (and once he starts to stand, if we even so much as ask him to sit back down, he screams and cries).

We have tried everything to convince him (or distract him enough) to sit and poop: reading books, singing songs, playing games, playing with toys, offering him snacks/treats (graham crackers), giving him stickers, etc. Nothing works.

As of today, it has been a week since the last time he pooped, with the exception of a little bit today and a little bit yesterday (both of which ended up all over the bathroom floor since he won’t sit down). The doctor says now we should give him an enema to force it all to come out, but even so, that won’t solve anything going forward since he still won’t go in his diaper or on the potty in the first place (what are we going to do, give him an enema every week, indefinitely?).

The issue isn’t that he’s scared of the potty itself, since (a) he was holding it before we started potty training, and (b) he knows exactly what he’s supposed to do, since he has no problem with peeing (he sits down himself, points it out afterward, knows that it gets emptied into the big potty, etc.).

It’s that he just won’t poop, ever – not in his diaper, not on the potty – and the only reason why anything comes out at all is because we’ve been giving him the Miralax every day (and even then, these aren’t “full” poops, just whatever happens to come out because it’s soft enough that he’s unable to hold it all in).

I’m at a complete loss as to why this even started, and what if anything we can do that would actually help. Is it a behavioral problem? Medical? Both?? Help!

UPDATE: I just wanted to update this question since a lot has changed since I originally posted it. We discovered there was a specific situation where he would go in his diaper voluntarily: in our bedroom closet with the door closed. So we knew then that the withholding was intentional, since it was now established that he could go if he wanted to.

So we let him continue going in the closet and, over time, found that he usually went around the same time each day. Based on that, we then had him sit on the potty when we knew it was most likely he would need to go. We also managed to find two things that distracted him enough to sit (blowing bubbles and playing with his toy laptop).

By doing this, we were able to get him to go on the potty without really realizing it (so he didn’t try to fight it), and then made a big deal out of it every time he did. Over time, that helped establish that that’s what he was supposed to do, and now he does so voluntarily. He hasn’t pooped in his diaper in probably 3 weeks by now.

I wouldn’t say he’s “fully” potty trained, in that an adult still needs to go with him and distract him (and occasionally remind him when he needs to go in general), but finally we made progress.

Answer accepted (score 30)

You are dealing with two issues here: stool toileting refusal and the associated constipation.

Constipation: Your doctor is probably recommending an enema because an impaction is preventing defecation at this point. I have an acquaintance who has had success in this same situation using a commercial suppository that is administered by eyedropper – you could ask your doctor about it – it may be easier to administer than enema. The impacted feces may smell very bad, and it is important not to react negatively to it (see below). Continue working with your doctor regarding Miralax usage. Some children stay on it for years; your decisions regarding this should be guided by medical practitioners. In addition to Miralax, increase the fiber in your son’s diet (fruits, fruit juices, vegetables, bran and other whole grains), reduce milk products, and increase his water intake.

Stool toileting refusal: This is a behavioral/psychological issue – about 1 in 5 children go through periods of stool toileting refusal. There are varying theories about the cause, and it may be that there are varying causes (all theories being possibilities). It may be caused by constipation (painful defecation means refusing to defecate), associated with the arrival of a younger sibling (a regressive behavior), triggered by parental or societal negative views toward feces (using negative words like “stinky” to refer to it), or precipitated by being pushed before being ready due to the escalating demands of modern life (like the need to be ready for preschool). It is hard to know exactly what your child’s thinking is, but in his mind he may believe that in holding it in he may be able to stop it forever. At this stage of cognitive development, your son will not be able to understand that stool that is withheld will accumulate, so trying to explain it will not help.

Because this behavior began while still in diapers, it suggests that he has developed negative feelings about it. He may have become aware of negative connotations toward feces through societal or parental verbal or nonverbal signals, resulting in shame and embarrassment when he defecates. In a study where parents were taught to praise defecation and avoid using negative terms for feces, the period of stool toileting refusal was shortened (Taubman, Blum, and Nemeth).

I reviewed a number of articles, the most relevant of which are cited below. Suggestions culled from them which might be of help:

• First, clear out any impaction of feces.
• Avoid any negative communication (verbal or nonverbal) with regard to defecation to reduce any feelings of shame.
• Give a diet rich in fiber and plenty of water.
• Give Miralax.
• Do twice daily toilet sitting (after meals, knees higher than hips, feet supported). There is no pressure or discussion of defecation during this time. It’s just 10-15 minutes of sitting and perhaps reading together. Praise should be given (“You sat on the toilet for 10 minutes! That’s an important job for a boy who is three.”)
• Make poop his responsibility (“Everyone’s body makes poop and we have to let it out once a day – your body makes poop and it’s your job to let it out once a day”). This job includes eating right, drinking water, taking Miralax, sitting on the toilet twice a day, doing the first rinse of soiled underwear or disposing of soiled pullups, and personal hygiene following defecation.
• Praise all efforts using behavior acknowledgement rather than personal judgment. (“You remembered to sit on the toilet after lunch without me reminding you! You took care of your really important job” rather than “You are such a good boy for sitting on the toilet. I am so proud of you.”)
• Your first goal is for him to allow defecation to happen. Defecation in the toilet will come second.
• Help him find success in other areas of his life. As he takes on other unrelated responsibilities and finds success, he will feel more confident about taking on this job as well.
• Let go of any timelines you have for getting this done. The fact that you have a September goal may cause you to unintentionally add stress to an already stressful situation. Mastery will happen when your child is ready.
• Try to reduce the stress around the situation in general. Talk about it less. When you talk about it, limit your words to as few as possible and try not to be repetitive in any single conversation – your child will hear you the first time you say something, so to say it a second time in the same conversation gives it too much importance. Try to use the same words, though, from day to day. (“When we poop in our pullups, we have to clean ourselves up. What’s the first step?”…“When we don’t poop for three days, we have to soften the poop with the eyedropper medicine.”)
• Do not punish for an accident – treat it neutrally – it is the child’s responsibility to fix – praise efforts at fixing.
• Talk about your own defecation. (“Oh, I think I need to poop” and putting a mark on your calendar after you have pooped, or “When I was 3 it was hard to learn how to poop in the toilet, but now I poop in the toilet every day. You will too when you are ready.”

Best of luck! This is a tricky problem, but many have walked this path before you with success!

Citations:

Dr. Linda Thomson – To Poop or Not to Poop

Stadtler, A. C., Gorski, P. A., & Brazelton, T. (1999). Toilet Training Methods, Clinical Interventions, and Recommendations. Pediatrics, 103(6), 1359. (article available through your public library)

Taubman, B. (1997). Toilet Training and Toileting Refusal for Stool Only: A Prospective Study. Pediatrics, 99(1). 54-58. (article available through your public library)

Taubman B, Blum NJ, Nemeth N. (2003). Stool Toileting Refusal: A Prospective Intervention Targeting Parental Behavior. Arch Pediatr Adolesc Med. 157(12). 1193-1196. (article available through your public library)

Beth Choby and George Shefaa – Toilet Training

Barton Schmitt, MD – Toilet Training Problems: Underachievers, refusers, and stool holders

Dr. R.W. DuCharme – Toileting Gone Wrong – Made Right

John Rosemond – Give Stool Refusal a Dose of Sternness - Not an approach I would personally try, but you know your child best.

Two Experts Do Battle Over Potty Training - Article comparing the Rosemond approach with T. Berry Brazelton’s Child-Oriented Approach

Answer 2 (score 7)

Is he able to articulate at all why he’s scared to poop? (Our daughter was afraid of what happened to the poop after it was flushed. Once she groked that she was good to go.) Finding the reason for his fear will probably go a long way towards you finding a solution for this problem.

Maybe try the book It Hurts When I Poop. Did wonders for my nephew with a similar issue. And my daughter likes it, although having the poop hurt wasn’t her issue.

Answer 3 (score 3)

Mary-Jo’s answer above is awesome, but I’d flesh out one more idea from our personal experience:

Don’t just encourage all poop, specifically encourage diaper-pooping at least as much as you previously encouraged the potty.

In our case, it seemed like our son had the following issue:

1. He knew going on the potty was awesome.
2. He was not able to make himself go while on the potty yet.
3. He was able to prevent himself from going when not on the potty.

As a result, his trying to get better potty-trained resulted in a lot of withholding, and that then led to more painful stools, which reinforced it, etc.

What helped some was making it explicitly clear that pooping in his diaper was awesome. We celebrate, and do high-fives, with the goal of eliminating his percieved sense that it’d be much better to go in the potty. (We’ll obviously go back to that eventually, but want to get to a point where he’s more capable of passing stool when he wants too-until then, his only control mechanism is just stopping him up.)

Question

I am 22 weeks in my pregnancy and my baby does kick and stretch at times. Yesterday he poke a limb/head/butt out on my tummy which I could see a firm lump. I showed my friend, and she pressed on the lump quite hard , causing the lump slowly disappeared and the baby to reflex a kick on another spot.

I am worried if my friend had pressed too hard on the limbs/head/butt of my baby, will my baby get injured or broken limbs?

I do still feel kicks after that but no more firm lumps since (1day ago) .. Should I be worried?

Answer accepted (score 33)

It’s fine to ‘poke’ the outside of the baby bump. In fact it’s the first ‘game’ you can play with your little one. :)

Is it okay to poke my pregnant belly?

Sure… if that’s what you want to do. It might seem weird at first, since baby is so small and still developing. But your baby is incredibly well cushioned in there. Remember, she’s floating in a sac of amniotic fluid, which is surrounded by a thick, muscular organ (your uterus). On top of that is your skin and belly fat (more cushioning!).

Of course, just because it won’t hurt baby, doesn’t mean she can’t feel you poking — in fact, baby will probably feel you move and poke before you can start to feel her, which is usually at around 18 to 20 weeks. And when baby’s big enough, she might even poke back!

Kelly Kasper, MD, ob-gyn and associate clinical professor at the Indiana University School of Medicine, in “Is It Safe To Poke My Belly?” for The Bump

A baby in the womb is quite well-protected, it takes a hard fall - the kind which injures mum - to injure the baby:

In the first trimester, a thick, muscular uterus and an even more protective pelvic bone shield your baby, so it is nearly impossible to injure her if you trip and fall. By the fifth month, however, your uterus grows beyond the protective shell of your pelvic bone. While the chances of injury from a simple fall are still very unlikely, many pregnancy worries stem from these changes in your body.

… There is no need to worry unduly about minor falls. Your baby is well protected by the natural shock absorbers of your abdominal muscles, uterine muscles, fetal membranes and the amniotic fluid, all of which cushion any outside blows. It would take an accident that seriously injures mommy to have even a remote chance of injuring baby.

Growing Concerns, Ask Dr Sears

Answer 2 (score 13)

I asked our OBGYN the same thing basically. He explained that it takes a really hard hit to go past the barrier provided by the amniotic fluid. So something like a hard push is definitely not a problem.

Also, we were advised by our doctor that my wife resting on her stomach was no problem (as long as she was not in pain), so her body weight can be pushing on the baby without hurting her. So there is really no way your friend pushing with her hand like that would have hurt the baby.

We also had a bit of a scare with our daughters movements becoming smaller. The doctor told us that that is no concern, the thing that matters is whether or not there is movement, not how hard the movements are. The baby re-positions and that effects how hard the movements feel (or whether or not they produce firm lumps).

So, all of that is straight from our doctor as answers to our own questions. You really have nothing to worry about.

Answer 3 (score 11)

The impact is absorbed by your own belly, and the baby is floating in a bag of water, which absorbs even more. Unless you’re seriously bruised or still hurting from the poke, the baby will be fine.

You’ll start taking damage to your own belly before the baby is at risk, so don’t worry about it.

Question

My two year old daughter has never been to a daycare, so everything she knows is something that me, my husband, or her grandparents have taught her. She sees very little interaction with other kids her age, well, except for her 8 month old sister.

I am wondering what people, or even day care centers, teach two year olds. What do they do all day long? Presently, our daughter draws a lot - she has bathtub crayons, wax crayons for paper, and chalk for the driveway/sidewalk. She attempts to draw circles and lines. We try to teach her shapes and colors, and she has a rough idea of what they are. She plays with sand in the sandbox a lot, dumping sand all over her and her sister’s head. She goes to her playhouse and uses the slide and the swing.

We sing songs together - the alphabet song or the numbers song. She is able to say the correct word when I say the phonic (i.e. if I say B, she’ll say ball; if I say H, she’ll say hat). She tries counting, but is still learning (she goes 1, 2, 6, 7, 8…). She enjoys building and destroying towers. We read books and I sing some nursery rhymes. She plays a toy piano and dances around to it. She plays with playdough, but most of the time it just ends up in crumbs everywhere.

She also watches TV - something I know most parents object to. She enjoys watching Dora, Finding Nemo, and Cinderella. She will sometimes watch LeapFrog phonics videos for alphabet and numbers.

I am not trying to give a resume for my daughter, but merely wondering is there something more that kids her age do? Is there something else that I should be teaching her? What do kids her age do at a daycare?

Thanks

Answer accepted (score 30)

These are the things that the Montessori school our son attends looks for; note that these are not things you’d expect a two-year old to already be fully competent in, more that these are a good sample of the items that they measure in their report card:

1. knowing directions (up, down, besides, in front of, behind, etc)
2. body parts (arm, elbow, wrist, eyes, ears, nose, etc)
3. counting (count to ten, count to ten with objects, determine number of objects in a pile, etc)
4. Shapes (square, triangle, etc)
5. Colors (red, blue, etc)
6. following instructions (coloring inside the lines, coloring only the triangles)
7. Singing (they sing a lot of songs)

Other things that he’s learned that they don’t explicitly focus on:

1. Climbing and physical activity. They have a large playground for him and others to roam on.
2. Sharing. Kids fight over things, and the teachers help them resolve those fights.
3. Injuries. When the kids fall down, the teachers 90% of the time say “You’re fine, get up.” rather than the motherly ’Gasp! My baby, you’ve hurt yourself!" This really cuts down on the drama.
4. Finishing tasks. They have and keep a schedule. I have two sisters-in-law who teach kindergarten and early elementary school, and they say that this is one of the big distinguishers between kids who go to (Montessori) preschool and those who don’t. Kids who don’t get told to finish up never do, kids who do unsupervised learning often have a hard time integrating into a supervised learning environment.
5. Having friends. He knows lots of kids that he wouldn’t otherwise know, and he interacts with them all the time. That helps with a number of things, like peer pressure to go to the bathroom (“I’ve got to go! Rider never uses a diaper!”) to giving us weekend plans (“I want to go to her birthday party!”).

It sounds like you’re focusing a lot on the first set of explicit teaching directives (ie, knowing the basics of language, colors, etc), but not necessarily giving her access to other kids to learn how to socialize with equals and how to function in the classroom. Is that important? I don’t know; I do suspect that going to preschool for a few hours a week will help ease her into kindergarten and beyond, but it may be that your daughter is particularly adaptable to new situations and the change won’t be so dramatic for her.

Answer 2 (score 11)

I was a teacher in a two’s classroom for a couple of years and I have to say, most of what we taught, we taught through play and exposure in books and art activities. We didn’t explicityly “teach” as you would see done in a classroom for older children, nor would I suggest such “teaching.” Your child is two and will learn simply by being an playing so don’t stress out about anything on any of the lists offered here.

Focus on what you see as priorities to you and the day to day needs of your family and family schedule. For many families the two biggest priorities with kids this age are, Safety issues and hygeine, as well as communication.

Communication means teaching them how to express there emotions, needs and wants in appropriate ways vs. inappropriate ways. (Kids at this age have a tendency to grab, throw fits, pout, scream or use physical means to get what they want - part of the learning process is modeling for them while correcting) I know you want the cookie, but dinner is almost ready having a fit will not change that - how else you could you tell me you are frustrated/disappointed? . . . you know the typical drill. There is a lot of learning going on in these exchanges alone.

Mostly it is great if you are engaging with your child, facilitating opportunities for your child to play “with” others (which, at this age usually really means play near or around other children) and reading to your child regularly. At two, “teaching” a child is really just about exposing them to as much of the “safe” parts of the world as you can - they will learn from there.

Some ideas I didn’t see listed in other answers already are:

Walking in a line (not line of kids, but in a straight line, curved line and zig-zag line).

Name Recognition - child knows and can identify own name.

Matching and Sorting - (you can do a lot at home with this one just while you do chores. Clean up time is all about sorting and what about having her help you sort the laundry?)

Place - children start hearing references to their city vs. other towns or cities he/she might visit. Address is usually learned around four but start using the language with her.

Washing Hands - We even did a whole month all about germs and the importance of cleanliness and hygeine (you are probably doing a lot of this anyway).

Potty Training - Most of my time was engaged in potty training when I was a two’s teacher.

Meeting People - introducing, saying hi, nice to meet you. . .

Scissor Skills - this will be important when she does go to school but is often overlooked by parents (I certainly wouldn’t have thought of it on my own either). What I mean here, is not using scissors well, just the safety of them, that they should only be used (for now) when supervision is occuring, and how to carry them safely. Kids should get the opportunity to cut with safety scissors starting when they are nearing the age of three - with supervision.

Musical Awareness besides singing songs we did a lot of music and movement, clapping games etc. The kids were exposed to child friendly music in many genres: broadway, jazz, classical, rock, country.

Outdoor Awareness: This included safety issues like crossing streets while holding hands and staying right with guardians and introductions to the basics behind staying away from “tricky people.” Outdoor awareness also included naming local insects (learning which ones to alert a teacher to and not touch vs. which ones are just “cool” is a GREAT thing for kids. Just teaching them all insects are something to be careful about is simpler, but creates fears), trees and other plants (not that we had any in the classroom, but learning that some plants are safe and others are not for touching is similar to the lesson about insects), commonly encountered large animals (and safety around them) as well as seasonal awareness (changing leaves, weather etc).

Community Helpers: becoming familiar with our uniformed public and their respective jobs (police officers, fire fighters, paramedics etc.) If there was ever an emergency in which your child needed help from one of these people it is good for them to recognize the uniforms and job of that person.

Sensory Activities: Sensory Stimulus can be a natural part of growing, but it can also be limiting to kids if they don’t get enough variety because they can develop fears of the unknown - it also helps with writing skills, oddly enough, and some such activities can be major stress reducers - working with playdoug is an example of this, but my favorite was to squirt some shaving cream on a smoothsurface and just let them play in it, play with feathers, leaves, beans, water etc all count as “sensory” experiences.

If you would like a short list of what to expect in terms of developmental stages in your child’s learning PBS has this to say about it.

Answer 3 (score 7)

The jury is still out on whether developmentally oriented activities prior to kindergarten have a long term impact.

IMHO day care is over-rated as a teaching/learning environment. The high-end preschools do the activities and have curricula primarily to assuage the guilt parents feel at leaving the kids there all day. But really, it is just babysitting. It is far better to have the kid cared for by people who love it.

To answer the question directly …

• Unless there are close siblings, your kid should get some involvement with other kids a couple of times a week, at a playground, in a co-op nursery, a baby-sitting exchange with some other moms. The kid needs to learn to share and interact with others.

• Activities with the child should be developmental in nature. Lose the video interaction (TV/DVD/video games). Talk to your child, listen to your child, get out of the house with your child, go to parks and museums with your child, read to your child, give your child expressive and artistic toys and tools.

• In a year or so start emphasizing counting and quantities and arithmetic. Count things as you walk or drive. Have the kid help with dinner and show measuring and counting. Play games that work on counting.

• Start with chores and responsibilities, perhaps with a chart.

Question

My newborn (currently 6 weeks) sometimes goes a few days without a bowel movement. It seems like this makes her uncomfortable and she sometime looks like she’s trying to get something going (she has an obvious pooping face) but after a few pushes gives up on it. Is there anything we can do to help her out?

Additional info. She is breastfed with quite a bit of formula supplementing, we use Costco’s store brand formula which makes a big deal about having a lot of iron.

Thanks

Answer accepted (score 20)

First off, some babies don’t need to poop everyday, so you don’t have to worry on that level, but if she seems uncomfortable you can try a baby yoga move I learned that worked wonders on our little one (six years ago now). Lay her on her back and speak softly and cooingly to her. Gently bend her knees so they are together. Move her knees - holding her lower legs - in a clockwise circle. Make it so her knees gently press into her lower abdomen while you do this. I learned this maneuver from a book called Itsy Bitsy Yoga. It used to help our Alice get all kinds of gas out of the way and she would immediately feel better and then poop not long after.

Best wishes to you

Answer 2 (score 4)

My daughter is almost 5 months old and sometimes doesn’t poop for a week. My paediatrician assures me this is normal for an exclusively breastfed baby. But when my baby does seem bothered by it, I use a glycerin suppository to get things going and it works like a charm (my paediatrician said she’d do the same…she also suggested giving diluted prune juice 1 to 1). My mother, who is a nurse and used to work on Post-Partum, also said I could use a gloved pinky finger and insert it a bit to get things going (similar to the thermostat idea).

But these are solutions that have worked for my daughter from 4 months on. I’m not sure if it’s OK for a 6 week old.

Good luck! I know, their poop is so worrying!

Answer 3 (score 1)

My baby did not poop for more than 5 days.I called his nurse and she suggested that I stimulate it by inserting a metal or plastic thermometer just as if I am checking his temperature. Then he pooped immediately.

Do not use a glass thermostat: it can break. Use a metal or plastic thermometer instead.

Question

My 5 year old son receives and fears punishment but repeatedly exhibits the same unacceptable behaviors. He’s always been strong-willed, and is usually the kind to view a statement like “Don’t do that” as an open invitation to do it. We’ve tried redirection or distraction tactics, but he is still so narrowly focused on doing the original behavior. Even worse, he will typically do the prohibited behavior and flagrantly tell us or show us that he’s done it. Repeatedly, even after punishment. (He’s in time out right now for this very thing). He’s consistently punished, yet he continues down the same self-destructive path each time. When he is punished, we explain what he did wrong, why he’s being punished, and why he shouldn’t do what he was told not to do. Sometimes he’ll even tell us first why he’s in trouble, so it makes me wonder if he’s acting out for the inevitable negative attention he gets. I think he gets plenty of love and positive attention- he’s an only child and stays with a relative during the day. We’re trying to give him a good, fun childhood, but we need to figure out how to effectively discipline him.

His repeated misbehavior includes:

• Yelling at the top of his lungs in public (stores, friends’ houses, etc)
• Running away from us (at parks, stores, parking lots, etc)
• Talking back and disrespecting authority figures
• Hurting animals even after we explain why it’s wrong
• Repetitive nuisance behaviors (repeating himself, banging his fists, kicking walls, intentionally crumbling food on floors, etc)
• Repeatedly asking us why he can’t do something even after it’s been explained to him
• Basically, most bad behaviors that young children may do, but repeated over and over again, even after discipline

He gets a warning to stop the behavior, then depending on the severity of what he’s done (and where we are), he’ll either go to time out or lose a privilege (such as taking away a favorite movie or missing out on an activity). Going to time outs and losing privileges really upset him, but still do not ultimately deter him from the bad behavior. It’s like he can’t help himself.

My spouse and I are getting worn down. We try to model good behavior and encourage him to be well-mannered and respectful. This behavior mortifies us. It seems we can’t even enjoy life as a family because our son is so disruptive and unresponsive. Most public outings have to be cut short or eliminated because he consistently misbehaves and doesn’t respond to our discipline. After he’s misbehaved, when we try to have heart-to-heart talks with him about his behavior and why we expect him to mind us, he usually has a little trouble expressing himself, and a lot of times we get the same nonsensical responses from him (Us: Why did you do [bad behavior]? Him: Because I didn’t want to). He also doesn’t like to make eye contact. We don’t usually feel like we’ve gotten through to him.

Is there another discipline tactic we could try? Or does it sound like we need to see a professional at this point? We’re at a loss, and don’t want things to spiral further out of control as he gets older (and even begins school). We just want him to understand that his behavior isn’t always acceptable.

Thanks for reading.

Update (from comments below): My spouse and I disagree on spanking, as we had different experiences with it. He feels it’s necessary sometimes. Since our son failed to improve after time outs and taking away items/privileges, I grew to agree with him and we used it for select bad behaviors. It didn’t work any better. However, when he was spanked, he was always told why. I didn’t mention that we have used it because I was afraid it would distract from the original question, but since it has already come up [in comments], yes, it has been explored, but with no better results than our other tactics.

Answer accepted (score 31)

I’m glad you are concerned with your son’s behavior, it shows you are on the ball and caring. I am an elementary school teacher (32 years), a parent and grandparent and suggest you seek professional help. Two of your comments are especially concerning: The fact that your son, at age five, has difficulty making eye contact can be an indicator of issues which need to be addressed sooner than later. The second is the fact that your son continues to hurt animals (this is NOT something that most young children do), although you do not say how he hurts them this is a big red flag when working with/caring for children that there are concerns. I believe you should begin with your pediatrician, be honest with them and they can refer you to a specialist.

Answer 2 (score 8)

Have you tried connecting with your child and developing a positive relationship?

All I can hear from your post is that you’ve tried hurting him - from taking away privileges to the physical. If all you are teaching him is that when you are bigger you can hurt somebody smaller, is it any wonder he hasn’t yet developed empathy for things smaller than him? (For the record, I don’t think holding animals too tightly sounds particularly a-typical, I just don’t think you’ve done anything to teach him otherwise).

Instead of teaching him how to hurt people smaller than you, teach him social-emotional skills by role-modeling them. When he experiences respect, trust, listening, empathy, compassion etc he will be able to develop them himself.

Instead of punishing him, ask him questions (with genuine curiosity and respect!):

“what was happening for you [in this situation]?”
“do you feel like people hear you better when you yell?”
“what happened that made you leave the park today without telling us?”

Also, try using nonevaluative “I notice” statements to help him learn to reflect on his own behavior without relying on others judging him (who’s going to punish/praise him when he’s 25??) and it will help him feel seen and heard!!!!!

“I notice you tried using an inside voice first at your friend’s house today” “I notice you seem pretty upset today” “I notice you didn’t eat much today” “I notice you are working very hard to build that lego structure”

I recommend Positive Discipline for being able to foster a home environment that is kind and firm. It will teach you how to teach him social-emotional skills necessary for participation in a mutually respectful, peaceful family environment and will equip you all as he enters school and beyond.

Positive Discipline is grounded in Aldlerian psychology and believes that all children (and adults) seek a sense of belonging and significance. Are you providing opportunity for him to feel like he belongs in your family? And, are you providing opportunity for him to feel important? (special jobs, asking for his help, etc)

For what this looks like in a family, check out the following blog (her son is around your son’s age too and is also particularly spirited): Can We Hug It Out. Its fun and quick to read!

I have worked with kids in gangs, refugees, kids with special needs, kids everyone else ‘threw away’ and the number one way to make a difference is stop seeking control and start seeking connection. A strong-willed, spirited child is a gift.

Answer 3 (score 7)

I just would like to mention some notes from the book Nurture Shock. Their review of relevant research on spanking suggests that it is harmful when it is used as a special, last-ditch punishment. I know that your question is not primarily about spanking, but I hope this information can be helpful to you as you decide whether and how spanking will be part of your disciplinary style. Here is an excerpt (emphases in original):

In a culture where spanking is accepted practice, it becomes “the normal thing that goes on in this culture when a kid does something he shouldn’t.” Even if the parent might spank her child only two or three times in his life, it’s treated as ordinary consequences. In the black community Dodge studied, a spank was seen as something that every kid went through.

Conversely, in the white community Dodge studied, physical discipline was a mostly-unspoken taboo. It was saved only for the worst offenses. The parent was usually very angry at the child and had lost his or her temper. The implicit message was: “What you have done is so deviant that you deserve special punishment, which is spanking.” It marked the child as someone who has lost his place within traditional society.

It’s not just a white-black thing either. A University of Texas study of Conservative Protestants found that one-third of them spanking their kids three or more times a week, largely encourage by Dr. James Dobson’s Focus on the Family. The study found no negative effects from this corporal punishment—precisely because it was conveyed as normal.

The conclusion was:

Children key off their parents’ reactions more than the argument or physical discipline itself.

You can read the whole section directly in Google books if you are interested.

UPDATE

Since writing this post, I’ve had several more years parenting experience, and that as a far-less-than-perfect parent. In that time, I’ve concluded that despite my best intentions, spanking was harmful to my own child, and it is not used in our house currently (with the sole possible exception, which has been very clearly explained to my son, of materially mistreating the cats–and he’s treated the cats well).

In another household where the parents are far superior to me, I could see spanking. But I’m not good enough to use it properly–my son was responding in fear to spanking even though it had been many months since the last time. That made it clear it just had to go away as an option.

So, take the above study with a grain of salt.

Question

My 3-month-old son has started sleeping through the night, with a vengeance. He sleeps for hours. And when he finally wakes up and I expect him to be starving, he’s often still ready to happily play for a bit - say 1/2 hour to 45 min. Now, I know this isn’t such normal behavior for a 3-month-old, and I’m definitely appreciating having my nights back, but I’m also a bit concerned - how long is the longest I should let him go without eating?

Edit (more details):

I used to try to stretch him and make his last feeding right before I went to sleep, so that I could take full advantage of his sleep-time. So we used to put him to bed about 12:30-1:00, and then head to sleep ourselves. He started off going about 6-7 hours… But a couple of weeks ago he started sleeping longer, and longer, and longer… Now he goes nearly 12 hours. He’ll go to sleep at 12:30 AM and wake up at 12 PM or later. And he’ll then happily play for another half hour, making about 12 hours of no-eating. I generally trust that I can rely on him to tell me when he’s hungry, but I was wondering if there’s a limit to how long I can let him go without eating…

Answer accepted (score 13)

As always with regard to health-related questions: If you’re actually concerned and not just curious, always consult your pediatrician. But here’s my general answer:

At the age of 3 months, regular eating/feeding patterns often haven’t developed yet, so you can expect this to change again in the coming months. It is extremely rare that children have eating disabilities so unless you have a reason to suspect trouble, you should rely on the baby to tell you when he’s hungry.

This is a good age to set up an “ideal” feeding schedule that suits you, and work toward actually meeting that schedule some of the time. In my family, we tried to pick a rhythm that fits into our schedule reasonably well and aimed at feeding every 3 hours - at 6,9,12,15,18,21 o’clock and then sleep through the night. In reality though, sometimes the intervals were less than 2 hours, or more than 4 hours, and of course every child is different. Don’t be disheartened though; this improves over time.

Update:
If he’s not in the lower end of weight and growth charts then I’d say he appears to be well-fed and I certainly wouldn’t wake him no matter how long he sleeps.

Answer 2 (score 5)

When my son was 3 months old, he started “sleeping through the night” at stretches of 8-12 hours at a time. He would not wake up to feed anymore, and I asked my ped about it because he was eating every 2-3 hours when awake. My ped said that was fine, he was “making up” for the long stretch at night by eating frequently during his waking hours. Now, at 8 months, he sleeps 10-12 hours at night and has tapered off to eating about every 4 hours (we are starting to work on solid foods).

It might just be his schedule. I would not be concerned, but like others suggested, if you are concerned you should talk to your ped.

Answer 3 (score 4)

Pediatricians usually give us a volume per day rather than a fixed schedule. Ask 10 different parents about the right schedule and you’ll get 10 different answers. Find whatever works for you.

Also, you don’t have to wait for your baby to cry before feeding him. Just like you, he is probably hungry enough to eat 30-60 minutes before he’s hungry enough to cry about it.

Question

We have a 18 month old girl and for the past week she keeps waking up in middle of night (sometime between 12:30am and 3am) and screaming/crying/moaning for hours.

Nothing seems to stop her. She keeps grabbing her hands and wriggling about. This doesn’t happen during the day, or when she wakes up in the morning; she is always smiling and very happy. I’m not sure if anyone has had this or not? Its the grabbing her hands that makes us think she is in pain but we can’t tell..

Answer accepted (score 10)

While this may be night terrors (a sleep disorder in which a person quickly wakes from sleep in a terrified state), there are differences in your daughter’s case:

• Night terrors CAN begin as early as 18 months, but this is very rare.
• Night terrors usually last 15-30 minutes, not hours.

You should probably take your daughter to the doctor for a checkup. Until her appointment, keep a diary of all episodes - what time she went to sleep, what time she woke, how long she was awake, and anything unusual you notice (like hand-wringing). Detailed information will help your doctor find the right diagnosis and the right treatment. The doctors may ask you to spend a night with her in a sleep lab so they can see for themselves in order to make a proper assessment.

Don’t put it off - you are both losing too much sleep!

Linked source: Medline Plus/ National Institute of Health

Answer 2 (score 2)

Does she wake up every night at the same time range, e.g. say between 10 and 10:30?

If that is the case then try waking her up before she starts crying e.g. at 9:50, and spend some time like that with dim lights, soft voices and let her sleep after half an hour. This works if the girl has a nightmare. My nephew had nightmares and this worked!

If she has some stomach pain or something it’s best to consult a doctor.

Answer 3 (score 2)

Does she wake up every night at the same time range, e.g. say between 10 and 10:30?

If that is the case then try waking her up before she starts crying e.g. at 9:50, and spend some time like that with dim lights, soft voices and let her sleep after half an hour. This works if the girl has a nightmare. My nephew had nightmares and this worked!

If she has some stomach pain or something it’s best to consult a doctor.

Question

I understand that newborn’s immune system is still weak and crowds/strangers are to be avoided. Knowing this, how soon can I take my newborn outside, for example to take ~1 hours walk in a non-crowded park? Any particular things to pay attention to when doing this?

Answer accepted (score 31)

This pamphlet, put out by the South Carolina Department of Health, suggests it is safe at one month. You should avoid large crowds, but the fresh air and stimulation is good for baby. You should probably not allow people to touch your baby’s hands (since baby may put them in his mouth). Your greater concern in going outside is the weather - keeping baby warm/cool enough and avoiding too much direct exposure to sun.

Personally, in a non-crowded situation, I would not hesitate to take the baby for a walk as soon as I felt up to it - usually within days of birth.

Answer 2 (score 20)

The guideline I’ve been given by our pediatricians was to avoid anybody with an easily transmittable disease for the first six weeks. The main reason to stay away from crowds and/or strangers is that you don’t really know who in the area is ill or contagious. You don’t want somebody to sneeze in your kid’s face at any age, really, but a newborn is more vulnerable than a toddler.

To more directly answer your real question: We took our daughter for short walks through our favorite nearby woods from when she was only a week old. I don’t think she necessarily got a whole lot from the experience at that age, but it was great for me to get some fresh air and exercise. As long as the baby is comfortable and adequately protected from temperature/sunshine, you can take her wherever you want to go.

Answer 3 (score 13)

I have never heard that strangers are to be avoided with newborns, and I certainly wouldn’t recommend staying inside to avoid them. You need to get out for your own sanity, so get out and go for walks as soon as you can. Exposure to new environments and people is good for babies development, keeping them cooped up indoors and away from social contact is not the recipe for a happy child. As for any immune system concerns the only way for them to get stronger is to build up resistance, they may as well do it while having fun. If you know someone is sick keep them away by all means, that’s just good sense, but going overboard is not helpful.

Question

During episodes of fussiness, my 6-week-old daughter has started grinding her face into my chest or shoulder. She shakes vigorously from side to side like she’s trying to burrow out the other side. When this started with my wife’s chest, we assumed it was a hunger cue. However, after watching it for a week or two we haven’t found any correlation between the grinding behavior and the need to eat or suck. She will facegrind against a shoulder, chest, arm… it doesn’t seem to matter (though she always looks quite determined).

Has anyone else here experienced this sort of behavior with an infant? As with most baby issues that come up, my question is what the hell is she trying to tell us?

It’s worth noting that she will also swing or bang her head during fussy episodes. Disconcerting though that is, I’m told this is a strange but not uncommon attempt at soothing. Is facegrinding possibly in the same category?

Answer accepted (score 35)

Banging heads, grinding faces and side-diving (what I think you mean by “swinging”) are all common forms of “rooting” behavior - that is, she is instinctively trying to find a breast to nurse from.

This is typical for symptoms of hunger, but also general discomfort (nursing feels nice, and babies know it). I’d try feeding her when she exhibits any of these behaviors.

If that doesn’t help, she’s probably just uncomfortable and doesn’t know any way to self-soothe aside from eating. That’s her only instinctive mechanism for finding comfort. Try to find other ways to comfort her if feeding doesn’t help. Try putting your finger in her mouth, or a pacifier. If that doesn’t work try bouncing her to sleep, and other comfort techniques.

Answer 2 (score 13)

Beyond rooting, as mentioned in this answer, babies also rock their heads as a self-soothing method as you mentioned. With a young baby who is falling asleep is on his or her back you’ll see this as a tossing from side to side. If a baby is on his or her stomach trying to sleep it will appear to be a burrowing - when I would let my child nap on my chest she would burrow her head into my chest while falling asleep. It had nothing to do with hunger, it was just soothing. Back when stomach sleeping was the norm I believe this behavior was called “nestling in.” So yes, if you are positive that this is not part of the rooting reflex, then it is probably an attempt at self-soothing.

Answer 3 (score 10)

6-weeks is young enough that your daughter really doesn’t have conscious control of many of her muscles. Though her arms and legs move, she doesn’t consciously “order” them to do so, likewise with her neck.

Such flailing is often commonly just attributed to being upset rather than any specific ailment. The brain says “I am upset about something, though I don’t know what it is nor how to fix it” so you get cries and flailing.

Question

My daughter is 4 1/2 months old and she only naps for 30-45 minutes at a time. She wakes up happy, but she is tired again after a little over an hour.

I know some babies are naturally short nappers. But there have been times where she will sleep two hours or longer if I’m holding her (which I have stopped doing altogether for her naps).

I have a short nap routine and I use a sound machine during her naps.

Any advice? Thanks in advance!

– She takes 4 or 5 naps per day. She is only awake 1.5 hours before she begins showing sleep signs.

Answer accepted (score 14)

Why Short Naps Happen

Inability to Handle Partial Wakings

Your child is waking up after reaching the light sleep portion of a sleep cycle. If your 4 month old learns to fall asleep independently through some form of sleep training - the level of crying sleep training needs to involve can be up to your family - then it may solve this problem. The drive to sleep is much less during the day so it is more difficult for infants who do not fall asleep on their own to make it through a sleep cycle transition. These infants have a partial waking and realize the conditions under which they fell asleep (nursing to sleep, bottle to sleep, pacifier, being held, whatever it is) are not present and then they fully wake up. Richard Ferber’s Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems has an excellent description of this issue. So one thing that will help consistently fix a short nap without parental intervention is fostering independent sleep at the start of the nap.

Overtired/Undertired Loop

Another reason a short nap might happen is that your child can get stuck in an overtired/undertired loop. You indicate that your child is awake for 1.5 hours between naps and taking 4-5 naps a day. This is most likely an age-inappropriate schedule for a 4 month old, as I learned the hard way. You need to be moving to a solid 3 naps a day.

What is quite likely happening right now is that your child is not awake long enough to get quite tired enough to make it through the sleep cycle transition. In turn your child has a short nap and is overtired from not getting the full benefit of a longer nap, so your child exhibits drowsy signs earlier than a child who is well-rested. It can become something of a trap.

Since your child sleeps an age-appropriate long stretch at night your child is probably capable of more time awake during the day. You might want to look at sticking with 1.5 hours awake before the first nap, since babies often like the shortest awake period in the morning, but then stretch the awake time by 15 minutes or so more between each nap. So you’d do something like 1.75 hours before nap #2, 2 hours before nap #3, and even up to 2.25 before bedtime, although your child may need slightly less. I would gradually begin stretching time awake to see if it lengthens naps.

This advice is specific to the schedule mentioned above. For many children short naps are a sign of being kept up too long before naps causing overtiredness, but the above schedule is at least on the border of being too short.

Not Enough Sleep Left For Naps

Young babies can’t handle very long awake at a time and therefore need to take a few naps. However if a young baby is well-rested at night there may not be a whole lot of sleep left for long daytime naps. Older babies who can stay awake longer during the day and therefore have fewer naps have more consolidated nap sleep, which tends to mean longer naps.

Other Ideas

This website has a whole long list of other ideas, such as too much or too little stimulation, environmental factors, hunger, and so on for early wake-ups. In general a good search for “45 minute nap intruder” will get you a ton of hits on this issue with varying possible causes. None of the things I could find online like stimulation issues helped my infant, but yours may be helped by them.

Additional Possible Courses of Action

Nap Extensions

There are several other things besides fostering independent sleep you can try. First, try to conduct a nap extension. A nap extension is using any means that you are comfortable with that works for your baby to lengthen the nap. Possible options are:

1. Allow some crying - Happy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child recommendeds up to 20 minutes at this age, I believe - to see if the child will return to sleep independently. This is obviously not a good fit for all parenting styles.
2. If the child uses a pacifier to fall asleep, be in place just before the end of the sleep cycle and replace it just as your child stirs. Or be in place to recreate, in general, however your child falls asleep if it is not independently just at the end of that sleep cycle. This is the method recommended in The No-Cry Nap Solution. It worked all of once for my child.
3. If the child falls asleep nursing or with a bottle, when the child wakes be prepared to feed back to sleep. Keep the child with you for the duration of light sleep (15-20 minutes) before returning to a sleeping location.
4. Since you used to hold your child for naps, hold until asleep again after a wake-up plus the duration of light sleep, then return to the child’s sleeping location. This consistently worked for my short napper who was also held to sleep.
5. You can also try placing a “heavy hand” on your child through the full light sleep cycle transition of 20 minutes. Be in place 5 minutes before your child usually wakes up (25 minutes for your sometimes-30-minute napper) and place your hand on your child’s chest in a reassuringly firm manner. Keep your hand there as your child stirs throughout light sleep until the child returns to deep sleep.
6. If your 4 month old often starts awake by kicking or jerking, you can keep your child from jerking though the light sleep cycle. For example my infant used to kick herself awake. I would try, and occasionally succeed, to keep my hand over her legs to muffle her kicks. This kept her from waking up during light sleep. A product like the Baby Merlin’s Magic Sleep Suit purports to do the same thing. This method is mentioned in Secrets of the Baby Whisperer.

By conducting a nap extension you may help teach your child to learn to sleep longer for naps and you may find naps naturally lengthen on their own.

Wake-To-Sleep

Some parents have luck with another method from Secrets of the Baby Whisperer known as wake-to-sleep. You enter your child’s room at 25 minutes, or 5 minutes before the usual wake-up time. You gently stroke your child’s cheek or do the minimum to get your child to lightly stir. The book claims that this restarts your child’s sleep cycle. Over time it may teach your child to make the sleep cycle transition on his or her own, especially if your child learns to fall asleep independently.

Sometimes None of This Works

The author of Happy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child, Dr. Marc Weissbluth, mentions that between 4 and 6 months of age some babies don’t nap well during the day. Many parents who have been in your place will agree. However the good news is that nap length evens out as babies age. Most short nappers begin to nap longer once they take 2 naps consistently, which appears to happen between 5 and 8 months of age. For some babies the transition to 2 naps occurs because naps naturally lengthen. For others the time awake begins to lengthen. For yet others night sleep becomes disturbed by extra wake-ups or an early wake-up in the morning indicating the time for a schedule change has come. However it occurs, when the transition to 2 naps occurs many formerly short nappers begin napping at least an hour for each nap. For a few babies naps do not lengthen until the transition to 1 nap and some babies simply only need a 30-45 minute nap and will never have long naps.

Answer 2 (score 2)

At that age, napping is normal. It takes a bit longer for longer cycles to start to embed themselves.

At this age you just need to work around your baby’s sleep/nap cycles. Not fun for the parents, but that’s just part of the time investment in having babies.

Don’t try and push her naps into consolidated longer sleeps - her stomach is very small, so once she has digested any milk she will get hungry and wake again.

Answer 3 (score 1)

I am a grandmother to three granddaughters. My first two did the exact same thing. They would sleep for 30 minutes then wake up. I would pick them up and hold them and get them to go back to sleep. Sometimes I would just turn something good on TV and hold her for a good hour or so.

It wasn’t bad if I had just one at a time. I worried about spoiling them but I kept reading that you can’t spoil babies under six months old. Well, with my first two I held them a lot and then when they hit five months, I gradually weaned them to the Pack N Play. With the second one, I would lie her in a baby boppy pillow and stroke her and whisper while she sucked on her pacifier and she would fall asleep and I would then leave the room. I always had the monitor on, checking on them.

Both of my first two wound up being pretty good nappers. They would each take two naps, about an hour and a half to two hours at a time till they were nearly a year and a half. My older granddaughter would sometimes take a third 30-minute nap, too, in the car on the way home when my son picked her up.

Today my oldest is nearly 4 and just recently started dropping naps although she will occasionally take one. My second granddaughter who is 21 months old will take a good two hour nap during the day and also sleep great at night with no fussing. Now we are working on the newest one who is just three months old. She is doing the same thing, taking very short naps, although if I am watching all three, it is hard to hold her a lot.

So in the long run, the holding did not spoil them. Maybe I was just lucky. I agree that when they are very little, their sleep cycles or nervous system is not quite mature and they will wake a lot. Just hang in there. For me, it did get easier and the first two are great sleepers.

Question

My 7-week-old girl loves taking baths but, of course, we get conflicting information about how often and how careful we should be of water in her ears. The pediatrician said every other day and didn’t say anything about being careful about getting water in her ears (though, maybe it’s obvious since, you know, you gotta keep her head above water).

Anyway, is it really that big a deal if water gets in her ears? She turns her head and, unless I try really hard, water makes its way in there, especially when washing her hair.

Will this cause ear infections?

Answer accepted (score 19)

The reason behind the “keep water out of the ear” thing stems from the fact that an infant’s ear canal is angled differently than an adult’s (or even an older child’s). In an infant, it’s commonly believed the angle is such that it is more prone to collecting water, which can then sit, stagnate, and eventually lead to ear infections. As @anongoodnurse details, this isn’t quite correct (though arguably is the source of the belief), as this cause of most childhood ear infections requires the fluid to be on the inside part of the ear, not outer, where bath water collects.

Some children are so prone to ear infections that they have to have tubes put in (generally, more than 4 ear infections in 6 months warrants a trip to an Ear Nose and Throat specialist) to help the fluid drain out of the middle section of the ear. If you’ve ever had an ear infection, you probably know why recurring ear infections are bad in young children, aside from the fact that they just plain suck - it makes it difficult to hear, and for young children, it can slow language development, which can cause long-term issues. This is the other half of that concern – ear infections can cause language delay, stagnant fluid build-up in the ear can lead to infection, so getting water in the ear must be the cause of ear infections and must be avoided. The flaw in this logic, though, is that the fluid that causes ear infections isn’t the water that gets in the ears via ears (but rather, the water that gets in from the sinuses).

So yes, it’s a good idea to avoid getting water in an infant’s ears. However, life happens, it’s really not as bad as a lot of people make it out to be, and there are a number of ways to help drain or dry the water if it is causing an issue. Rory’s answer has some good tips on that.

Answer 2 (score 19)

The reason behind the “keep water out of the ear” thing stems from the fact that an infant’s ear canal is angled differently than an adult’s (or even an older child’s). In an infant, it’s commonly believed the angle is such that it is more prone to collecting water, which can then sit, stagnate, and eventually lead to ear infections. As @anongoodnurse details, this isn’t quite correct (though arguably is the source of the belief), as this cause of most childhood ear infections requires the fluid to be on the inside part of the ear, not outer, where bath water collects.

Some children are so prone to ear infections that they have to have tubes put in (generally, more than 4 ear infections in 6 months warrants a trip to an Ear Nose and Throat specialist) to help the fluid drain out of the middle section of the ear. If you’ve ever had an ear infection, you probably know why recurring ear infections are bad in young children, aside from the fact that they just plain suck - it makes it difficult to hear, and for young children, it can slow language development, which can cause long-term issues. This is the other half of that concern – ear infections can cause language delay, stagnant fluid build-up in the ear can lead to infection, so getting water in the ear must be the cause of ear infections and must be avoided. The flaw in this logic, though, is that the fluid that causes ear infections isn’t the water that gets in the ears via ears (but rather, the water that gets in from the sinuses).

So yes, it’s a good idea to avoid getting water in an infant’s ears. However, life happens, it’s really not as bad as a lot of people make it out to be, and there are a number of ways to help drain or dry the water if it is causing an issue. Rory’s answer has some good tips on that.

Answer 3 (score 9)

@Rory Alsop is correct.

First, terms need to be defined.

There are basically 4 parts of the ear. The outside of the ear (what you can move around with manipulation) is called the auricle or pinna. Occasionally it can become infected, and this is called malignant otitis externa. It is relatively uncommon.

The ear canal (the acoustic auditory meatus or the acoustic canal) can become infected; this is called otitis externa (also known as “swimmer’s ear”.) It is relatively common, especially in swimmers, people who wear ear plugs, people who clear ear wax out with bobby pins, etc. etc.

The middle ear is separated from the outer ear by the tympanic membrane (a.k.a. “ear drum”.) The ear drum prevents water from entering the middle ear. However, there is an entry into the middle ear (where the bones that transmit vibration from the ear drum to the acoustic nerve are housed) from the outer world, and that’s through the Eustachian tube, the other end of which opens into the back of your nose/upper throat. This tube is what allows your ear to pop when the atmospheric pressure changes (like on a plane.) This is the area where most ear infections occur. An infection here is called “an ear infection” by laypeople, and otitis media by health care professionals. This is by far the most common.

Finally, there is the inner ear involved in both balance and hearing. An infection here (“a.k.a. inner ear infection”) is relatively uncommon, but more common in the elderly, is usually viral, and causes you to feel very dizzy with movement (vertigo).

It’s very unusual for infants or small children to get otitis externa unless they are immunocompromised or someone is digging around in there with a fingernail, a Q-tip, or other, or they have eczema of the ear. They might get it by swimming in a very polluted river (which is an activity infants and small children do not engage in frequently), but they will not likely get it from bath water.

Far more likely from swimming in a polluted water source is a middle ear infection because the polluted water gets in your mouth (and throat), and some is pushed up the Eustachian tube into the middle ear.

Infants and children have more “ear infections” (otitis media) because their Eustachian tubes are shorter and at a lesser angle than in adults.

In fact, the ear canal of an infant is different from an adult’s. It’s shorter and it’s angled differently (this is taken into consideration during the ear exam.)

A normal baby will not get an ear infection by getting bathwater in his or her ears any more than a normal adult will. If they did, ED would be full of such children every day. It’s far more likely that a baby will get an ear infection by getting bathwater in their mouths (because of that Eustachian tube) than in their ear, and that doesn’t happen often either. Otherwise every time a baby put something nasty in their mouths, they would get ear infections.

Image source AnatomyArea.com.

_{If you want to decrease ear infections in infants, you might want to get them vaccinated.}

_{HOW TO USE AN OTOSCOPE
Pneumococcal capsular polysaccharides conjugated to protein D for prevention of acute otitis media caused by both Streptococcus pneumoniae and non-typable Haemophilus influenzae: a randomised double-blind efficacy study
Serotype Distribution and Penicillin Resistance of Streptococcus pneumoniae Isolates from Middle Ear Fluids of Pediatric Patients with Acute Otitis Media in Japan
Influenza A Vaccine Decreases the Incidence of Otitis Media in 6- to 30-Month-Old Children in Day Care}

Question

My 3-year-old has had chickenpox for about 2-3 days, but a close friend has just had a baby and I want to go and help. Is it possible that I am infectious, despite not having the illness? I had it as a child, so (hopefully) can’t actually get it myself. Thanks!

Answer accepted (score 29)

You may be carrying the virus

You may not show any symptoms, but if you’ve had chicken pox already, you most likely have the virus in your system even without being exposed to the virus recently. This virus, the varicella-zoster virus, remains dormant in your system, and can become active later in life, causing shingles.

While shingles can’t be transmitted from person to person, an active outbreak of shingles can infect someone with chicken pox, if they’ve never had it, or if they have a weakened immune system (such as a newborn infant).

Note that the transmission methods for chicken pox and shingles are different.

Chicken pox can be contagious before symptoms even appear, and spreads through contact with bodily fluids, or from airborne virus spread from someone who is infected and coughing and sneezing.

Shingles is spread through direct contact fluid from the rash blisters, and not through sneezing, coughing, or casual contact.

However, just because you’ve had chicken pox as a child doesn’t mean that the only way you could possibly transmit the virus is through direct contact with a shingles rash. While most people who have had chicken pox in the past have a lifelong immunity to it, rarely some people do get chicken pox a second time. If you are one of those rare cases who get chicken pox a second time, you could be contagious without showing any symptoms (yet).

Therefore, if you know you’ve been exposed to the chicken pox, even if you’ve already had it, do not go. It simply is not worth the risk.

While frustrating that you might have to stay away and can’t see the little tiny baby, it’d be terrible if you made them all ill.

I would suggest that you call the close friend and tell them.

If you are still worried, consult your family doctor or medical helpline.

Some information on breast feeding and chicken pox: http://www.netwellness.org/question.cfm/8650.htm

Answer 2 (score 11)

Once you’ve had chicken pox, it never actually leaves your body and can re-emerge years later to cause shingles. The virus that causes both chicken pox and shingles is related to the herpes virus, and like herpes it lies dormant in your nerve cells between outbreaks:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herpes_zoster

So simply having it as a child in no way means that you can’t be a carrier of the active virus. Being exposed to the active virus typically won’t cause an outbreak in an already-infected adult (because your immune system is quick to respond and will drive the newly acquired active virus into a dormant state) but it does mean that you can be infectious to others even though you show no symptoms yourself.

So regardless of whether you’ve had chickenpox before or not, if you are recently exposed to the virus from somebody with an active infection, you should consider yourself contagious and should avoid exposing others.

Question

My 7-year old son treats Santa as a real person. He probably suspects something, but me and my wife always find a way to persuade him.

What is the normal age when children realize that Santa is not real, and what is the proper transition strategy?

Answer accepted (score 22)

From my own and others’ experience, I’d say around 6-9 years of age is the time when they figure it out. Most will probably have a sneaking suspicion for a year or two, which they spend probing and observing. Isn’t it odd that Dad always misses Santa because he’s chatting with the neighbors just then, every year?

When he does figure it out, try to praise him for his observation skills and get him in a satisfied I knew it! state of mind rather than being sad about a myth debunked. It’s actually cool that he figured it out all by himself!

And, if he has younger siblings, he’s now in on a special secret that he can help the parents keep, and see how the siblings handle it.

Edit, 6½ years later: My son was 7 years old when he mentioned on the 24th,
“Do I still have to pretend Santa is real?” He was aware of the fairy-tale aura and considerate enough to ask while his younger brother couldn’t hear him. We praised him for his smarts as well as for his consideration, and asked him to help us keep up the fun until his brother catches on, too, just because it’s fun to pretend things. He happily agreed.

Answer 2 (score 22)

From my own and others’ experience, I’d say around 6-9 years of age is the time when they figure it out. Most will probably have a sneaking suspicion for a year or two, which they spend probing and observing. Isn’t it odd that Dad always misses Santa because he’s chatting with the neighbors just then, every year?

When he does figure it out, try to praise him for his observation skills and get him in a satisfied I knew it! state of mind rather than being sad about a myth debunked. It’s actually cool that he figured it out all by himself!

And, if he has younger siblings, he’s now in on a special secret that he can help the parents keep, and see how the siblings handle it.

Edit, 6½ years later: My son was 7 years old when he mentioned on the 24th,
“Do I still have to pretend Santa is real?” He was aware of the fairy-tale aura and considerate enough to ask while his younger brother couldn’t hear him. We praised him for his smarts as well as for his consideration, and asked him to help us keep up the fun until his brother catches on, too, just because it’s fun to pretend things. He happily agreed.

Answer 3 (score 9)

Answer -watch your kid. Every kid might need something different. You know your kids. Strangers don’t.

On this don’t lie to your kids thing —Seriously? There is an age range where magical thinking is good for kids.

Santa? I figured out it didn’t make sense when I was 4, though I didn’t tell anyone and staged an elaborate catch the parents trap to obtain proof, y’know, just in case. My little brother didn’t figure it out until he was 8.5. I don’t know when my older brothers and sister figured it out because they faked it until my little brother caught on. (Strangely, I didn’t figure out the tooth fairy until I was 8 and my brother never believed that one! The logistics bothered me less.)

None of us thought our parents were liars. Maybe if they tried to stretch it on past when we didn’t believe… but I don’t know. We thought it was cool that we could have played a game, and I look back with fond memories of believing.

I have never said to my daughter Santa is real, because I wasn’t sure at first whether to because of what I heard others felt about it. I did a lot of reading on child development and the experts agree at ages 2-6 it’s good for them (Upper age may vary by kids developmental stage). At two, she started asking about the images of Santa, and I asked What do you think? She had some great explanations and it is great fun. She has already at 3 wondered how Santa could visit every house, and it led us down a path of learning different Christmas traditions and who celebrates and who doesn’t, and which regions celebrate Santa on a different day. She loves the fun of it and the challenge of thinking why. At 3 she has thought of some things that I never would have.

I never have told her monsters aren’t real either; we just thought together on how to deal with them and the girl is fearless.

When she’s old enough that her answers to how something happens isn’t positive/magical and she doubts on her own, I won’t push it, I will let her come to her conclusion. Forcing adult thinking on a child who needs to indulge a certain developmental part of themselves is just selfish and acting superior about it is ridiculous. I suspect it might happen before 6 for my daughter because she is extremely bright and inquisitive, but it will happen when it happens and I will not steal the fun away earlier.

Don’t get me wrong, maybe some kids are better with it never being “real.” You know your kid. You decide. But don’t act like you know what every other kid needs, too.

My ex is an atheist and while he is going along with Santa because he remembered it fondly, he told her out right Jesus isn’t real. She came home crying - not because I lied to her, but because she wanted to believe. (I am a Christian and I told her people can believe different things and there is nothing wrong with that, but to go with what she feels in her heart is true, and she is much happier) He thought his parents telling him about Jesus when it never made sense to him was this horrible thing, and it never occurred to him to watch his daughter instead of his own biases.

Question

We have hardwood floors in the house, and have made a little “play area” out of foam interlocking “tiles” for our 9 MO to play on. Of course, he’s not content to restrict his explorations to the designated area (on the contrary - he loves dropping his blocks on the hardwood floor so that they make a more interesting sound!)

Naturally, as he learns to crawl, cruise and get about, there are bound to be spills, falls and other bumps - he seems to be particularly talented at bumping his head when he’s sitting and turns around too quickly.

How much of a concern are these bumps to the head (I’m not talking about falling from a height - just falling from a crawl or sitting position)?

Should we be hovering and not letting him fall at all? Is falling a natural and reasonably safe thing that teaches children about cause and effect and hopefully to be less clumsy? Can they seriously injure themselves as the result of a bump to the head on a mat or the floor?

Answer accepted (score 40)

Toddlers happen to be “designed” with the right height and mass that they very rarely injure themselves when falling from their own height. Mostly what you need to worry about is them falling from higher than their own height, like from furniture or stairs, falling onto something sharp, or something heavy falling on them. Most of the falls you are worrying about now, you will notice shortly that your child looks to see if you’re watching before deciding whether it’s worth it to cry or not. My 18 month-old actually head butts things for fun now.

My 7 year-old has cerebral palsy from her skull getting a little squished during her premature birth, so we are well acquainted with the signs of brain trauma. Mostly what you need to look out for is a sudden change in typical behavior, like:

• Sluggishness
• Eyes looking glazed over
• Seizing
• Vomiting
• Dizziness
• Slurred speech
• Non responsiveness
• Being inconsolable after several minutes

If those things happen after a nasty fall, consult a doctor right away, or even get an ambulance depending on severity. Bumps and bruises are not fun, but are normal and nothing to worry about. They happen even to children of the most conscientious parents.

Answer 2 (score 14)

One day, your child is going to learn how to climb stairs safely, how to go down them safely (on his bottom at first, sitting down on the step and descending, sitting down, one step at a time), how to climb onto the couch and get back off, etc. He’s going to fall quite a few times between now and when he will have mastered staying upright on two feet - and that’s OK.

From a sitting position, when a toddler falls over, it’s only a few inches to the floor and most of the impact is amortized by the fact that the toddler doesn’t usually fall, but rather rolls over (tumbles). Even if they do fall, the impact is pretty small (small distance, little weight, no starting velocity) and the head being more or less round, it’s practically designed to handle that kind of impact.

Once they get upright, they usually fall either forward, in which case they put their hands before their faces and the arms take most of the impact, or they fall backward, in which case they usually fall on their bottoms first (and the fall is cushioned by the diaper as well). Falling forward may cause a bit more crying because it’s scary to see the floor coming at you all of a sudden! (And sometimes it hurts a bit).

If your 9 MO bangs his head turning around too quickly and it bothers him, he’ll start turning around slower - becoming more careful. That’s how we learn. If he starts to yank at power cords (fun until the TV falls to the ground) you might want to intervene before the TV falls to the ground.

Monitor your child’s behavior without letting him know you’re watching (e.g. drink a cup of coffee pretending to look the other way) and see if he takes any unnecessary risks. as long as he doesn’t, let him explore. Keep a closer eye when he does take risks but try not to intervene unless there’s a real hazard (like electricity, height, weight, etc.). Your child will use you as a secure base to explore the world. If he sees you as being confident in his capabilities, he’ll become confident as well but will also become prudent not to break that trust.

Wikipedia has an excellent article on Attachment theory: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory Under the headings “Behaviours” and “Tenets” there are quite a few references to studies that may interest you (and reassure you).

Answer 3 (score 8)

If the child falls and cries unusually then make sure to check. Otherwise we’ve generally taught our toddler to just get up again and get on with the show. As long as he doesn’t learn that every small bump results in a panic reaction from the parents, he just gets up again. If he feels that he really hurts we always notice.

Falling is okay and usually safe as long as he lands on a reasonably flat surface, especially if it’s not rock-hard (tiles etc.). The skin on the forehead is actually the thickest on the whole body - I don’t think that’s a coincidence.

Obviously avoid sharp edges, and put soft guards on corners. But hitting the head on the floor is not a big concern - remember that kids have learned to walk this way for thousands of years.

You can find all kinds of protection online, right down to baby knee pads. IMHO that’s overkill and doesn’t help teach the child (or the parents) anything useful, but you might feel differently.

Question

My niece just turned 1 year old and she still does not sleep through the night. She wakes up numerous times (about every 1.5 - 2 hours) throughout the night and proceeds to scream very loudly until someone comes in to get her. She is also not a “good napper” and fights them as well. The question is, what techniques can her parents try to change this behavior and get her to sleep through the night?

A few things to note:

• Her parents have tried letting her “cry it out,” but to no avail. At one point, just to see if there was a limit to it, they let her cry for over an hour and she was still screaming full force.
• Her cry sounds like she is scared. She seems to fear falling asleep or being asleep with no one in the room with her. This is just a guess though.
• To get her to get any sleep at all, her parents have taken to either (a) letting her sleep with them (obviously not a good solution), or (b) walking her until she falls asleep, placing her in the crib, waiting until she wakes and starts crying an hour or two later, then repeat.

Her parents are exhausted after 12 months of this and would truly appreciate any suggestions.

Answer accepted (score 22)

I believe the infant needs to undergo some sleep training. From personal experience, this is not at all fun for the parents. It requires absolute dedication from the parents in order to be effective, and in the beginning there may not seem to be any benefit to the parents.

There are various methods taught, such as the “cry it out” Ferber method. I’m not well-read on any of them, but I have heard several times that letting a child cry it out can cause mental or emotional harm. With that in mind, these are the techniques my wife and I used to transition my son from co-sleeping to sleeping in his own crib at night:

1. Have a calming routine before bedtime, such as a bath followed by reading. This should be done at the same time every night.
2. Take the child to bed at the same time every night.
3. Have both parents tell the child goodnight.
4. Have one parent stay in the room until the child falls asleep. The only things the parent is allowed to do are:
5. Tell the child, “No” when they sit/stand up in their bed/crib. This is the only time you should be saying, “No”. You don’t say, “No” to questions or cries.
6. Hug the child once per sitting/standing, but the hug must not lift the child. It has to be managed with the child sitting/standing in the crib. It’s not always comfortable for the adult to do. I believe this is a healthy compromise between “Cry it out” and attachment methods, not only for the child but for us as parents.
7. Gently place the child back down to a laying position, without lifting them up.

8. Tell the child, “Lay down” as they’re laying the child back down.

   • No exceptions! No other talking!
9. The tone of “No” and “Lay down” should be calm, but firm and assertive. They should not sound impatient, angry, or exasperated. If you’ve ever watched The Dog Whisperer with Cesar Millan, his approach to commanding dogs also works well for young children.
10. Once the child seems to be asleep, the parent on duty that night should wait several minutes before leaving the room.
11. If the child wakes up again after that, the same on-duty parent goes back to the room and start back at step 4. This may happen many times in the night at first.
12. Wake the child up at the same time every morning. If feasibly, this should be done by the off-duty parent from the night before, because they’re more likely to have gotten enough rest to wake up early.
13. Do not allow extra napping during the day. One hour-long nap midday may be sufficient. Nap times vary by child. The hardest part about daytime naps is making sure the at-home parent’s own naps aren’t allowing the child to nap too long. Set an alarm if you’re about to doze off after the little one does!

These are the additional rules we set for ourselves:

• On the first night or two, both parents should be be present for the entire time it takes for the child to fall asleep the first time. They can alternate between who is going through the step 4 sequence. However, the parents can not talk to each other. Doing this together the first time lets the child know that it’s how things work now.
• If the child is calling incessantly for the other parent, and that parent is still awake, then that parent may come in once per night to go through the step 4 sequence: Say, “No”, give a hug/pat, lay the child down while saying “Lay down.” It’s important that this is done no more than per night by the off-duty parent, and it should be done while the on-duty parent is still in the room. It tells the child, “Mama isn’t going to rescue you tonight. She’s on my side.”
• Don’t focus on watching the child. You’ll be able tell when the child sits/stands without staring directly at them. Focus on something else in the room, or even the back of your eyelids. This tells the child that you’re a reassuring presence, but you are not a source of attention or interaction. A few times I even listened to music with earbuds (but you have to make sure you device screen stays off while you’re in the room. Best kept in a pocket).

These tricks helped us keep our sanity:

• Bring in a comfortable chair to sit in.
• Be prepared for a long battle in the beginning. (I think our first night’s screaming/standing/crying phase took at least 2 hours before he fell asleep the first time. It was much shorter the second time that night, but the second night’s first cycle was nearly as long as the first night’s.)
• Be prepared to lay the child down possibly hundreds of times in the first cycle. You need to do it literally every time the child sits/stands. Some might get the message after a few dozen attempts. My son is very willful, and I stopped counting after 100+ times the first night.
• Be prepared for this to take at least one exhausting week’s worth of dedication by the parents.
• Be prepared to have to go back into the room after these most likely scenarios: 1) You just stepped out the door 2) You just lay down in your own bed 3) You just fell asleep
• Before bed, assess your child’s health so that you know your child isn’t in any sort of distress from illness or gastrointestinal discomfort, this is important because:
• The child may use every type of cry and scream in their arsenal. Our son went through his usual cries: I’m unhappy, I’m tired, I’m angry, I’m hungry, I don’t feel well. Then, when those failed, he invented new ones: I’m being murdered, I’m dying, I am become death destroyer of worlds. These cries will illicit strong emotions from the parents. You’ll want to cave in, because it sounds like your baby is in pain and really needs you. That’s the point of such outbursts: to get the parent to cave. And if you give in to those screams, you’ll only find that you’ve taught the child to escalate even further to get their way.
• It’s okay to skip saying, “No” or “Lay down”, and even the hug/pat sometimes. It doesn’t have to be robotic. Sometimes you’ll be too exhausted or frustrated to talk without having a tone that’s not calm, and that’s okay. The main thing is that you have to lay the child back down every time, whether or not you speak. In fact, as the night progresses you should offer the feedback less and less often anyway, until you’re only laying the child back down. A
• Sometimes, the physical and emotional toll this routine takes on the on-duty parent can be too much for the night. In that case, it’s okay (and possibly necessary) to tag in the off-duty parent for a while. It doesn’t have to be for the whole night. Sometimes my wife and I just needed to trade each other for 15 minutes.
• Keep perspective. Being dedicated to the routine, from start to finish, is very difficult in the beginning, but in the end it means the entire family can get more restful sleep. Also, it helps to be in a mindset of sympathy for your child, rather than a mindset of the child being antagonistic. Yes, the child is intentionally aggravating you in order to get their way, but they’re doing it because they are so attached to you and are used to things being done differently. They trust you to take care of them, so you need to show them that this new way is okay, and that the baby will be okay.
• You have to be a team. If both parents are in the home at night, then they need to take turns being on-duty, and they need to both follow the routine. If one parent is more verbose, or picks up the child at certain times, then the difference in how the parents react is going to prolong the situation.

Our son was about 1 when we did the sleep training. It may have been 14 months, I don’t recall exactly. I think it took at least a full week until things settled down for us. Our situation was similar, except we usually didn’t let the “cry it out” stage last more than a couple minutes. It was easier to let our son come into our room. Things had to change when I wasn’t getting enough sleep for school and work.

I was exhausted that entire week, but it paid off. Eventually, our son stopped fighting bed time as much and stopped waking up and crying so much through the night. (Of course, once we changed from crib to bed we’ve encountered different bedtime issues!)

I don’t have sources right now to tell you about how I came about this method. At the time I read a lot of material on sleep training and developed this strategy based on all the insights I agreed with. I feel I struck a balance between “Cry it out” and “No tears”.

I would like to add that I agree with deworde’s answer, in that a failure to commit to the plan doesn’t mean the parents have failed. It’s likely that instead, the plan has failed. As you can read, I put quite a bit of effort developing and enacting my customized plan, because I knew I couldn’t commit to some of the existing “book” methods.

If the parents find a different plan, or make their own, these are the most important aspects the plan needs to have:

Routine - The child needs to expect the same thing every night and morning. This serves both psychological and biological purposes.
Consistency - How each parent reacts to different situations needs to be consistent, and it needs to be consistent between them.
Commitment - The parents need to be able to physically and emotionally commit do the sleep training plan for a reasonable amount of time. Some lucky parents only need a day, others more than a week.

Answer 2 (score 5)

One thing worth doing is adjust the sleeping environment. Reduce the number of soft toys to just their favourite, but make sure that one’s in bed every night.

Drop the light and noise level by getting proper blackout curtains up, or get a low glow nightbulb or some ambient noise going on. Find what level of noise your child prefers.

But the key thing is consistency. They need to see their bed as their space. It is more worthwhile YOU SLEEPING NEXT TO THEIR BED IN THEIR ROOM than them sleeping in your bed, because at least they’re getting comfortable with the bed. You don’t want that to be a long term thing, but it’s at least giving you an out that you can sneak out once they’re asleep.

Another thing to try is to spend some time during the day reading to them while they’re sitting on their bed, so they start thinking of their room as a nice place.

CreationEdge’s answer is a brilliant summary, but the most important thing is that you have to be comfortable with your plan. If you’re cracking and allowing them back into the bed, it’s a sign not that the plan won’t work, but that you can’t commit to it, because it’s not right for you.

Answer 3 (score 1)

On the sleeping “issue” did they try any ambient sounds while the child goes to sleep? Try rain/ocean sounds. They help the brain rest and also may prevent any sudden noises from waking the child. Also showing their exhaust and maybe anger while trying to put the child to sleep may stress her. Separation anxiety maybe? There’s lot of things that need to be “checked”.

One year old understands what you speak to her, so did they tell her that they’re tired and need to go to sleep?

The problem might also be deeper and psychologist opinion could help, the baby might have some basic needs that are not recognized by the parents.

While putting your child to sleep is one thing try to look at the big picture. If you raise your children while not understanding basics of his/her biology and brain functions do not expect good results. It’s not that hard to read a little.

People who let their children “cry-out” hurt them, period! Long stressful conditions damage brain cells.

Instead of training your children, try to understand their needs and meet them. Then everything will look different. It is hard for us, who were brought up like that, but just break the “training” circle and understand your children.

For those who would like to know more I recommend reading books by Scandinavian author Jesper Juul - Your Competent Child, Family Life and other titles as well.

Question

Our 3 months old baby is very keen on rolling over and being on his stomach. Most of the time he automatically rolls over in a few minutes after we put him on his back, including during bed time. Is this dangerous? We are particularly worried that

• his nose maybe blocked when facing down
• it is said that SIDS risk increases when a baby sleeps on his stomach

If it is dangerous, how can we stop this, especially during bed time or other times when we can’t watch him continuously?

Answer accepted (score 20)

According to the US. Department of Health & Human Services brochure on sleep positioning for infants:

Studies show that, during early infancy, it is unusual for a baby who is placed in the back sleep position to roll onto his or her stomach.20 However, once infants are more developmentally advanced, they often roll over on their own. In this situation, when infants roll over on their own, there is no evidence that they need to be repositioned.

The American Academy of Pediatricians’s Task Force on SIDS published the following in Pediatrics in 2011 (emphasis mine):

Parents and caregivers are frequently concerned about the appropriate strategy for infants who have learned to roll over, which generally occurs at 4 to 6 months of age. As infants mature, it is more likely that they will roll. In 1 study, 6% and 12% of 16- to 23-week-old infants placed on their backs or sides, respectively, were found in the prone position; among infants aged 24 weeks or older, 14% of those placed on their backs and 18% of those placed on their sides were found in the prone position.112 Repositioning the sleeping infant to the supine position can be disruptive and might discourage the use of supine position altogether. Although data to make specific recommendations as to when it is safe for infants to sleep in the prone position are lacking, the AAP recommends that these infants continue to be placed supine until 1 year of age. If the infant can roll from supine to prone and from prone to supine, the infant can then be allowed to remain in the sleep position that he or she assumes. There is, however, no information regarding an infant who can roll over from supine to prone, BUT NOT from prone to supine. You should consult your pediatrician in this case.

So the take-away from these expert sources is that you should always place a baby on his or her back to sleep. Once your baby can move allow your baby to sleep in whatever position he or she assumes. Just keep the crib mattress firm, the fitted sheet tight, and keep items other than your baby out of the crib.

Answer 2 (score 14)

This is not as dangerous as you think. Make sure your child is sleeping on a relatively firm surface, without squishy bumpers on the sides, and the baby will be fine. But still, when you put your child to sleep, start with the the back.

Yes SIDS is a real danger, and there are indeed studies that show the risk increases when the baby sleeps on his stomach. But it’s not like putting him in front of a moving train!

You cannot reasonably restrain your child while he is sleeping, nor constantly wake him to change his position.

It may help you to sleep better at night to consider this semi-logic: if the baby can roll onto his stomach, he’s clearly got some strength and mobility, which is often ‘said’ to reduce risk of SIDS.

Focus on bigger risk factors, like the caregiver being under the influence, smoking, or being extremely tired.

Also take all the junk out of the bed, I sometimes see babies sleeping with ten stuffed animals and a giant pillow - stick to a firm mattress and nothing else. Use warmer PJs and avoid all but the lightest, smallest blankets.

Answer 3 (score 0)

We also tried a product called a Safe T Sleep which basically velcroes the baby into place in his/her crib. We used it because our 4 month old son ends up spinning himself around in the crib (not rolling over) and kicking the sides of the crib and waking himself up. It works great and I think the fact that it prevents him from moving around so much helps him sleep more soundly.

Question

I am planning an hour and a half ride with my 1 month old baby girl. I heard that being in the car seat for a long time is not good for newborns.

Is an hour and a half too long? Should we do a stop in the middle of the trip?

Answer accepted (score 9)

These seats are designed to be newborn-friendly. Any of them causing any physical damage to a child is unthinkable. Such seat should never have been made and accepted for sale. Unless you bought the cheapest seat on a flea market, you’re going to be ok.

Long trips are discouraged because your child is restricted to the same position for their duration. If a baby is placed in an unnatural, non-physiological position, it is going to stay in that position for a certain time. You should make sure the baby is placed in the seat comfortably, that it’s back and head are supported, that there are no unnaturally bent legs or hands. If something is wrong, your baby is most likely going to let you know - through crying, of course.

If you’re really worried, make 5 minute stops every half an hour.

1,5h is not that long time. I’ve friends who made 4h trips on a weekly basis which started when their son was about (less I think) one month old. Their LO is 2 years now and has no seat-related health problems.

Answer 2 (score 6)

New research warns that infants under four weeks shouldn’t travel in car seats for more than 30 minutes.

http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-37947841

Answer 3 (score 3)

The major reason not to travel with a newborn (< 3 month old) is not so much the carseat, but the immune system. A baby under three months old does not have a very well developed immune system, and so traveling to another location (particularly to be around new people) increases the risks that he/she catch an infection which is potentially much more dangerous to a very young baby than it would be over three months of age. (Yes, location matters - you can catch things from people, OR from the environment, and even if it is a person to person disease, you’re more likely to be able to control things in your own home.)

However, if you need to travel for whatever reason, one and a half hours should be fine. This list is a good list to start from with regards to road travel; you will want to pay attention to #5 and #6 for this short of a trip. Sun protection is a must, but at < 3 months old you cannot use any sort of sunscreen, so instead you need to have clothing covering as much as possible, and a sunshade on BOTH windows in the rear seat plus the rear window (the far window can still allow in a lot of sun at certain times of day, unless you live in the mountains). A mirror is also highly recommended so you can check on baby without pulling over (as long as you’re able to keep your checks to safe times and durations).

In terms of stops, this article recommends stopping every hour unless the baby is asleep, and trying to keep to his/her regular feeding schedule. I would guess 1.5 hours is still fine for going without a stop, but I wouldn’t go much over that.

Question

I walked in on my daughter having sex with her cousin. They are both 14 years old. It happened in my sister’s house in her double bed. I wasn’t sure on how I should react but I told my sister and she just ignored it.

This isn’t the first time that this has happened. They have had sex on numerous occasions and I have seen them kiss a few times. Me and my sister are the only people who know about their relationship so they only do this when they are either alone or if me or my sister are in the house. They have admitted that during sleep overs they have went into each other’s rooms and spent the night there.

I asked them if they see anything wrong with their relationship and they said no. Before their sexual relationship they were pretty close. They were like best friends and I think they have confused that relationship with a more intimate one. They have told me that they love each other and that they want to continue their relationship and one-day get married.

How should I handle this, since I’m concerned about the incest part? Should I encourage their relationship? If not, what should I do from there?

Answer accepted (score 50)

First of all, the “how should I handle this” depends a lot on what your own concerns are. Is your concern the “cousin” part? or the “two 14 year olds” part? If the latter, is it specific aspect (are they mature enough to consistently use birth control?) or just general age-readiness for sex as a concept?

Once you sort out your concerns, the main and best thing is to talk to them - like adults.

• Don’t criticize (and make clear from the outset that you are not there to criticize) or patronize them.

• Don’t say things like “you’re too young to know if you’re in love”.

• Don’t only concentrate on the negative. Merely list out pros and cons.

• When you list your concerns, prompt them that they are more than welcome to address them in a rational way - if they see that you respect them acting like grown ups (e.g. being greatly relieved and pleased and proud if they DO use birth control), they are likely to be positively reinforced into acting more responsibly in general.

• If you’re concerned about the “cousin” part:

  My advice would be to relax - but inform them (see above on how you should approach communication with them).

  1. Plenty of human cultures have no issues with cousin-length-genetic-distance relationships. However, USA has a bit of a social stigma attached to the idea - which they should be aware of, lest they first encounter the stigma by getting insulted. YMMV based on where you are - in some states it may even be illegal for first cousins to marry.

  2. Modern medical science (especially genetic screening) makes the possible long-term concerns about genetic issues due to inbreeding less of an issue, assuming the unlikely outcome that they do marry and have kids eventually.

     However it’s still something they must be made aware of as a risk. This article indicates that the risk increase of genetic issues is less than 2x that of non-related couple; although that is before genetic screening.

  3. On the pros side (for your to consider, AND for them to be told to demonstrate that you’re not just at it to yell at them :)

     • being cousins, if they do marry, they would almost eliminate one of the biggest friction points for a married couple - “in-laws” incompatibility/interference/baggage/bad feelings.

     • being cousins, they are a LOT more likely to consider each others’ feelings and care about each other as a person. So, while - as two 14 year olds - they are likely to fall out of love - they most likely won’t act towards each other in a jerky/a-holish way that a random 14 year old dumping someone likely will.

     • being cousins who grew up together and close, they already know each others negative sides, to an extend, reducing unpleasant surprises that arise in and threaten any relationship.

     • plenty of people (including famous ones) had successful cousen marriage. Including (but not limited to) President John Adams, Charles Darwin, Einstein, Wernher von Braun, Jacob in the Bible, Abraham Maslow etc…)

• If you’re concerned that they are two 14 year olds having sex:

  1. First of all, treat it like any other 14 year olds sex concern. Most importantly, discuss:

     • STDs

     • Pregnancy prevension. If they aren’t mature enough to 100% reliably use birth control, they aren’t mature enough for sex. If they are (and were doing that before being discovered) it’s less of a ground for worrying

  2. Discuss possible downsides if the relationship ends. Does your daughter realize how broken up she will be if her cousin falls out of love with her and moves on? Depending on her mental maturity level, she may be ready for it or not, and merely being 14 isn’t a guarantee either way.

     • discuss that sex imposes possible negative outcomes if the relationship sours - jealousy, harder negative impact if one breaks things up, etc…

     • discuss what happens when they possibly have to separate, e.g. for college.

• If you are concerned about “love and will get married” part:

  • First, many of your ancestors likely married about that age. So merely intending to marry isn’t really a concern. They had less divorce rates than the late-marrying generation me-me-me, too (sorry, had to rimshot at the boomers :)

  • Second, as noted above, make sure they are mentally prepared for the eventuality that one of them changes their mind, and falls out of love. Don’t tell them “this is guaranteed to happen” (even if chances are it will); but insist that they consider the idea and the consequences in advance.

  • Third - if they seem mature enough - look at the current research in terms of couples compatibility. There are several good books on the topic available and there was very good research into it recently. Find out the summaries, and show them and ask them if they think the research shows that they would be a likely-successful long term couple.

Answer 2 (score 13)

There are 2 (possible) issues here.

Age

You could be concerned about the age. This does raise a few concerns:

1. What happens if they break up?

   Will she be able to cope? A number of people around my age have been in serious committed, sexual relationships and haven’t worked out - for a number of reasons.

   It often seems to be that those boys who will enter these relationships are likely to be the ones to be less committed and break it off. I may be making a generalisation here, but there could be a causal link between young sexual relationships, and the boy breaking it off (either cheating or moving on - perhaps getting bored).

2. The law

   This may not be a concern for you. I don’t know what country you live in, or what the custom is. However, I know that in my country, there is a shocking distinction made: Even if both are underage, the male has committed statutory rape. Now this may not seem like a big thing - who is going to follow it up. But what if she starts to use that over him (not saying she will)? She could claim rape, which is not a good place for a 14 year old boy to be in - a sex offender at that age does limit job prospects.

   However, this may not be an issue for you - you may feel it is acceptable or the law may be fine with this.

3. Pregnancy, protection and STIs

   Pregnancy is not a lighthearted matter. Whether you agree with Abortion or not, it’s a painful process (emotionally) and giving birth at 15 is really quite dangerous in some cases. Not only that, having a child is a big, big responsibility as you know, and still being at school when that happens is likely to limit her attention to education.

   Maybe this isn’t an issue, and you would be happy with abortion? Next issue, protection.

   Protection links in between STIs and pregnancy. Condoms are typically the best preventative measure for both of these. The pill is a nice backup, but I wouldn’t want to be going through treatment at that age.

   You can get them both tested together, but they’re 14 years old. I don’t wish to judge, but are they trustworthy, are they going to stay together, and is either likely to cheat? As mentioned above, at that age, it can be hard, and it is often the boy who will get bored and (maybe) move on.

   STIs are also no joke. Depending on where you live the treatment can be expensive and hard to access, and it’s not something anyone needs. Interrupting education for hospital appointments is likely to be detrimental and also embarrassing if anyone finds out why.

4. Revenge. This is unlikely, but if they break up, how would they react? If they are close enough to be sleeping together, one would hope they are close enough to have shared personal details with each other. Revenge is a real thing that does happen - is she sending explicit photographs that he could post online? Is he someone who would go around school saying she is easy? With the online world at everyone’s fingertips, your reputation is important. Her mental state would not be great after a breakup with revenge.

Cousins

1. This is normal in a lot of cultures. There is a little concern about “inbred” genetic disorders, but as mentioned in other answers, there is genetic screening (although this links back to Abortion, so you may disagree).

2. Two relationships. They are going to have 2 different relationships in a way. Aside from the (probably inevitable) breakup issues, they are going to know each other in one way, and then in a separate way. How will they behave around family? As a couple or as cousins? Going back to a breakup - my family is big on “BFGs”, or “Big Family Get-Togethers”. How would being forced together with your ex be? How would it be if your family are expecting you to be happy to see each other?

   I wouldn’t want to be in that situation.

It’s a difficult one this. You should still be the one deciding - you’re her legal guardian and at 14 years old, it’s likely you know best. However, I doubt you’re going to be able to make the decision for them. My opinion - 14 years is too young to be making life changing (?) decisions. Especially with the added risk with their chosen activity. I’d also be concerned about the breakup. I’m sure they will think they will be together forever, and probably get married, but that doesn’t mean they will.

I know my son wants to be with his girlfriend forever - and I believe they can (and probably will). But that doesn’t mean there is no chance of a messy breakup, especially because of their current situation - BFGs are not going to help this.

^{My apologies if I’ve been stereotypical / offered my opinion too much. My observations are mainly formed from what I’ve seen at school, with people in young sexual relationships that don’t work - and I don’t want yet more people go through the process I’ve watched so many others go through (especially as I’ve supported a number of them).}

Question

My son has just turned 3 months old.

Recently I have observed him drooling and sucking his fingers. He usually drools more after feeding and sucks his fingers almost all the time.

Is this common or abnormal behaviour?

What might be the root cause and how can we break his habits?

Answer accepted (score 12)

Absolutely. What you’re seeing is entirely normal in babies, particularly around 3+ months old. Among other things, he might be beginning to teethe; both of those things are associated with teething. Drooling is associated with basically everything for many babies, and sucking on fingers (or thumbs or other things) is also very normal.

If the drooling is truly excessive, you may want to talk to your pediatrician to ensure it’s not due to a few particular causes (low muscle tone, in particular). Otherwise, buy a lot of bibs, and put a bib on him at all times, over his shirt, or under it if over is a problem. Make sure it’s a safe bib (that cannot choke him). Many bibs must be removed for sleeping, although I think some are safe(r).

Answer 2 (score 4)

Yes, completely normal, and you should absolutely NOT try to “break his habits!” Drooling and chewing on anything that’s handy is a natural response to impending teething. If you don’t want him to chew on his fingers, you can give him something else for teething, but I think fingers are best, because teethers can get lost and cause unnecessary distress if he can’t find them or get them into his mouth. You can also be confident that none of his fingers are going to break off and become a choking hazard.

Answer 3 (score 3)

Yes, ours baby girl has been drooling since she was 9 weeks.
Babies can begin teething long before you see a tooth.
But that doesn’t mean that she is indeed teething, Sometimes babies drool for no reason. My tip :)
Chances are that your washing cycle has become much more frequent now you have a baby. You must use bandana bibs. While bibs wont prevent mess, a bib does provide a layer of protection between your baby’s meal and the clothes which they are wearing. Rather than constantly washing baby food coated clothes, you simply clean the bib instead :) it save lot of time and your baby is clean.

Question

I just bought a color led strip (like similar to this one) and installed it so that the ceiling can be lit with any color.

We’re making experiments on which color would have better effects on calming down my little lady. Some sites like this just recommend to use soft lights but doesn’t specify what colors: yellowish? very dim purple?

Does anyone here have experiences about relaxing colors, or have used soft lights in the bedroom to help the child falling asleep?

Answer accepted (score 14)

While blue may be a calming pigment choice for paint, according to Harvard Health, “blue wavelengths—which are beneficial during daylight hours because they boost attention, reaction times, and mood—seem to be the most disruptive at night.”

Light of any kind decreases the secretion of melatonin, a hormone that helps you sleep, and light at night particularly messes with your circadian rhythm (your daily biological schedule which is driven by exposure to light and dark). LED lights and those curlicue compact fluorescents emit more blue light waves than old style incandescent bulbs. Fluorescent tubes are sold with coatings that can shift the color away from blue wavelengths.

Harvard recommends using dim red lights for night lights because they are least disruptive to circadian rhythms. In order to improve sleep, they also recommend avoiding looking at bright screens for 2-3 hours before bed and spending as much time in bright light during the day as you can.

Since you have installed LED lights which are known to emit blue wavelengths, perhaps instead of using them at night, you could use them during the day as a “stimulant.” At night, choose dim non-LED, non-fluorescent lighting.

Answer 2 (score 5)

Mary Jo’s answer is spot on – blue paints are good, blue lights are bad, red lights are good. I was going to add a comment but I have more to say :-)

Avoid blue because it is very high-energy in terms of wavelength.
Red is good because it is very low-energy in terms of wavelength.
Other colors are in between those two endpoints.

The LED stripe you link to has no “pure white” but instead produces its many colors by combinations of red+green+blue. With LED, I only recommend pure red because otherwise you’re mixing undesirable colors into the light. I use these pure red LEDs myself at home at night, but at the lowest possible intensity.

One very important aspect of sleep is the absence of light, because light hinders the body’s natural ability to produce melatonin which is required for healthy sleep. (The body’s ability to produce this degrades over time, which is why old people sleep much less than young.)

The melatonin signal forms part of the system that regulates the sleep–wake cycle by chemically causing drowsiness and lowering the body temperature (Wikipedia)

Blue light is most disruptive because of its wavelength but also because the cells in the eye’s retina react to it and the brain believes it’s daylight – not good for sleep (google melatonin for details). Have you noticed that blue status LED’s are annoyingly bright to look at? That’s it precisely.

Red light is least disruptive because it has the lowest wavelength.
Red bonus: Night vision! This is not important by itself of course, but it is helpful nonetheless. Night vision is a very direct indication of whether a light is disruptive or not. There’s a reason why cockpits are usually lit with red light: The eye isn’t blinded by red light and therefore it preserves night vision. If you look at a red light at night and then into darkness, you can still see. Look at a blue/yellow/green light and your night vision is gone. It can take up to 20 minutes to regain that night vision. In my home, I’ve lit the path to the bathroom with red LED at night for this exact reason – pilots and seamen would agree :-)

Red is also the color that newborns find most soothing, but my understanding is that it’s soothing because it’s a familiar color: any light looks red when seen from inside the womb!

More references and details can be found in this software description.

Answer 3 (score 3)

My partners two daughter used to always be hyper at bedtime, jumping all over the bedroom and making a huge mess. I looked online and i seen the same advice on color and moods, so we set straight away at painting the room a very light pink and we have some lights from ikea that look like a flower.

When these lights are on, it emits a pink glow. It’s not an intense pink glow, but it certainly seems to have worked.

As Vicky said, blue would seem the obvious choice, but children generally have a wider recognition of colors, so it would need to be a very light blue.

I may also be wrong, but I’m sure orange is a stimulating color too, so that may have an added playing effect.

Question

So the other day I walked in on our teenager and caught his girlfriend with her pants down. It is quite clear what they were intending to do.

Now he claims he had no intention of having sex with her, he was just “taking a look”. However, we all know where such behaviour inevitably leads.

I am really not sure where how to proceed.

He is 15, she is 13. It is against the law to have sex at that age. In 9 months time he will be 16 and she will still be 13. It will be even more against the law then.

Also it is quite clear to me that this girl is quite vulnerable. She comes from a broken and quite possibly violent home. Our son is adamant he loves her and only wants the best for her.

Everything about the situation is just bad in my book. However, I don’t really see that there is much I can do to prevent it. I can tell him he isn’t allowed to see her anymore. But that will truly ruin the relationship I have with him and they will see each other at school. Right now he says he has gone over to a friends house, but I am sure he is probably with her. I can’t stop this from happening.

Do I provide him with contraceptives? Thus sending him the message that it is ok to have sex. At least it avoids pregnancy, but it isn’t going to prevent the possible emotional turmoil that can come with hugely underaged sex.

Should I let her come round to our house again? Do I let them up into his room with the door closed? Trying to prevent the inevitable would just mean they will find other places to do it. Is that any better? At least it would reduce the number of times they could have sex.. Is that preferable?

What do I need to explain to him / talk to him about to help him act as responsibly as possible in this situation?

Thanks

Answer accepted (score 52)

You can no longer micromanage your son’s activity

You have probably noticed that your can’t control your son’s actions by force or persuasion anymore, if you ever could. He’s old enough now to be self directed, which is scary. The only thing you can do is to give him a moral framework in which to live.

Provide a credible moral framework

Can you explain to yourself why you think this is wrong? Is it purely because he could get into trouble with the law? Is it because of your religious convictions? Is it because you’re worried he or his girlfriend might get hurt? Teenagers typically have a fairly high tolerance for risk and warning him about heartache or legal consequences is unlikely to have an effect.

Give him the information he needs to make the right choice, then trust him

You need to show him how to act, but more importantly explain why he should act in that way. You can’t prevent him from acting by force or threats any more. He will make his own decisions now and there’s little you can do to prevent that, so give him the information he needs to make the right choice.

After that all you can do is trust him. That’s a pretty scary thing.

Best of luck.

Answer 2 (score 41)

Your son is nearly sixteen, and that means he’s clearly beyond the point where you can ‘make’ him do things - and it seems like you agree based on your question. So what that means, to me, is the important thing is to help him understand the consequences of his actions. Teenagers are of ten able to make good choices when they understand the full consequences of their actions, but they’re unable to understand those consequences fully in many cases, or at least think about them.

That means that you should have an adult conversation with him, where you do two things: you make sure he knows the consequences of his actions, and you give him an opportunity to ask you questions about anything he is unsure about. How you approach him is the real complication: depending on your relationship with him, it may be very difficult to establish the conversation as a real conversation and not a lecture. Nonetheless it’s very important to structure it that way.

I wasn’t a big fan of how my parents dealt with situations like this with me, though fortunately it wasn’t all that important because I was a curious, research-oriented kid who learned a lot about this on my own, and I was also very consequence-averse. But the one thing they did right, was when my father did have a conversation with me (at about 16, in fact), it was focused on the first part of the below. He treated me like an adult, didn’t try to tell me “you can’t have sex” or even “you shouldn’t have sex”, just focusing on discussing what I should think about before I choose to have sex, and what those possible consequences are. While we had our differences particularly at that age, this conversation went miles better than I suspect many do.

The main consequences you want to discuss:

• Physical consequences. Is he aware that even at 13 she can get pregnant? What does he know about birth control? Two kinds of protection is best: is she protected as well as he - is she on the pill? In this kind of relationship it’s not unheard of for a girl to choose to try to get pregnant to hope to ‘keep’ the protector in her life; is he able to ensure that won’t happen?

• Financial consequences. Given all sex involves some risk - and get the actual percentage of “protected” sexual encounters that still involve pregnancy, it’s not that low; it’s over 1% of people who regularly have sex with a single protection source per year, at least for condoms - what would you do if she did get pregnant? How would he change his plans for the future- would he still go to university and expect her to work to support the child, would they live with one of the parent sets and expect them to help, etc; while he doesn’t have to make firm plans now, he should be aware of the potential problems and at least consider the solutions.

• Legal consequences: is he aware of the legal consequences of his actions? Are you sure you know the complexity of this sort of thing? The combinations of exceptions can be difficult to navigate to laws in some places - I’m not in the UK so I don’t know the law there. But make sure you know exactly what the law is, and make sure he does as well. I would start by asking him if he knows what the legal consequences are first, or if there are consequences.

• Relationship consequences. If they begin a physical relationship, that will have consequences on their relationship with each other, and their relationships with others. Talk through how the different relationships might change. His parents (ie, you), her parents, their friends, siblings, etc. - all could be impacted. Not a reason not to do it necessarily - but something to be aware of and to consider, particularly how they can ameliorate some of the downsides.

As far as his and her personal situation goes, there’s another one - and this has some bearing in all cases, but in particular here.

• Psychological consequences: is he aware of the consequences of having a physical relationship with this girl, given the power relationship and her prior experiences? It may not be a bad thing - it may be a good thing, even, depending on circumstances - but it will have consequences, and he’ll need to be aware of them. It also will have consequences on his psychology; he should be cognizant of those, and be aware of how to identify when something is going wrong.

I’m sure there’s more, but that’s what I can think of, largely based on what my parents talked about with me and what my wife said her parents and school did (My school wasn’t so forward thinking, sadly). That’s a lot - and way too much for one conversation, and especially if it’s brought forward with a lecturer approach. Think about how to discuss this in parts, because it could take hours - and maybe some of it is simply seeding his mind with ‘think about this side of things’. He’s an adult soon, and capable of thinking for himself; trust him to, while making sure he’s aware of these concerns. Discussion, not lecturing, is key. And hopefully I remember all of this in ten or so years when I need to have this conversation with my children…

Answer 3 (score 19)

I agree with your concerns for the girl. There are some great suggestions in the other answers, so I’ll limit myself mostly to consequences for the girl. Let’s assume you can’t stop them from having sex, which doesn’t mean the discussion shouldn’t take place; they can still be in a relationship with each other that doesn’t involve sex.

Discussions with your son should always be welcome, honest, patient, and respectful, so that they can come to you with any problem they might have.

Your son states he is adamant that he loves her and only wants the best for her. At 15, and certainly at 13; they probably doesn’t know what’s best for her. Discuss with him what “best for her” means. That does mean taking special care not to hurt her (she needs love and respect from people she cares about). In adolescents, early sexual experiences play a significant part in their future ability to form solid, trusting relationships. While such sexual experiences can be positive, they can also have a harmful effect on mental and physical health and development. It is important that young people are mature and ready before they engage in sexual activity.

Young adolescents tend to be less deliberative and rational about sexual decisions than older persons. There is an ever-increasing sexualization of pre-adolescent girls in western societies. Is he aware of the damaging effects on decision-making that this has on girls? What is his definition of love and respect? (For that matter, what is his definition of “enthusiastic consent” and “mutually pleasurable”?)

Sex at 13 is illegal. Even adults often feel like doing lots of things, but can’t because the law says they can’t. Discuss the ramifications of this with your son. But worse that merely illegal, the female usually bears the brunt of the consequences of sex at this age. Her parents have a right to know what’s going on with her. Is your son ready for what might happen to him and her when her parents find out? Who will tell the parents?

What will happen to her reputation? Sexually active girls are often treated differently by other young people. Terms such as “slut” and “slag” are thrown around with alarming ease. If they break up, how will having had sex affect her future relationships? (She is more likely to be coerced/manipulated into having sex by future partners.)

The younger adolescents are when they begin having sex, the greater their risks of negative consequences, and early sexual intercourse experiences often are psychologically coercive. For the girl, learning more about social pressures, negotiation, and refusal skills is important. Even the small difference in their ages for her may represent a power imbalance. If she is not enthusiastically consenting (she is only 13), they shouldn’t be having sex.

Contraception: if he’s not using contraception every time, then he’s not doing what’s best for her. Seven in ten pregnancies to adolescent teens occur to teens who were not using any method of contraception when they became pregnant. Adolescents engage in risky sexual behaviors because they believe that they have little to lose. Adolescents who value education and job success and who perceive their future opportunities optimistically should have stronger motivation for avoiding early pregnancy and parenthood.

Girls from abusive backgrounds and those with poor relationships with their parents tend to have sex earlier. They also tend to get pregnant more often and are more likely to keep the baby (this was taken from a UK website). What will your son do if she gets pregnant? (Currently, only about two percent of premarital births are relinquished for adoption.) Teenage fathers do not involve themselves very deeply in their new role. Furthermore, the young man often leaves the child’s mother during pregnancy or during the two years after birth. How will keeping the baby affect her future? His? Also, her future ability to educate herself and find a good job are affected by having a baby. Is this what is best for her?

If she gets pregnant, who will pay for the abortion (if she chooses that route) or child care if she keeps it?

If they do have sex, because of her age, there should never be alcohol involved, or her parents might be able to sue regardless of what she says happened.

Should I let her come round to our house again?

Sure. She’s an important part of his life. That should make her an important part of yours. In fact, you might even look upon her as a daughter. Which means, if she were your 13 year old daughter, would you want her to be having sex?

Would I let them close the door? No, I wouldn’t. Would I supply condoms? No, but I’d make sure he bought them with his own money; if he can’t afford condoms, he can’t afford any of the responsibilities of sex.

_{Teenage pregnancy}

Question

Don’t know what could it be but my daughter keeps on crying every night. She’s sleeping and suddenly she starts crying.
Hungry ? (She drinks her last bottle of milk around 8pm.)
Maybe teething? (every night, don’t think so)
Miss being in mommy’s and daddy’s bed? (she cries even if she’s in our bed)
I’m out of ideas, and we are kind of exhausted!
Any ideas what might be the reason for her to cry every night?

Answer accepted (score 7)

From my experience, it seems like every parent I know (including myself) has this exact same problem sometime around their child’s first birthday. Their kid goes from being a stellar sleeper to suddenly waking up in the middle of the night. Sometimes their child is upset; sometimes they just want to wake up and play. Sometimes approaching new milestones can cause this; sometimes a growth spurt. Lots of things are going on in your little girl’s body and any one of those things could be waking her up, and she doesn’t really know how to get herself back to sleep. And she’s probably disoriented. I agree with Jaysker. Check to see if she’s comfortable. Your body temperature goes down when you sleep, so while she might be perfectly comfortable in her summer jammies at bedtime, after she’s slept for a few hours she might wake up cold–especially since the weather is starting to get cooler (and, if she’s anything like either of my children, she kicks the blanket off of her). The solution might be as simple as putting on a pair of socks for the time being. If it’s a growth spurt, she might be waking up hungry or thirsty.

It could be teething–especially if her back molars are coming in. Every time one of them flared up in my daughter, she was miserable until it either subsided or finally came through (it was so bad that she’d wake up bleeding from her gums, but I’ve been told this is exceptionally rare and is not something I experienced with my older son). Tylenol helped, but it takes about 15 minutes to kick in.

If you don’t think she’s sick or that she has any food allergies that could be aggravating her, give it a few more weeks and see if it sorts itself out. I know that’s not the solution you want to hear, but it really does seem like it’s a phase most kids go through. You can find various methods for teaching her to self-sooth and working through those (this website discusses various methods for sleep training your child and dealing with night wakings). It may take awhile for your daughter to figure this all out. My son was about three before he finally got to the point where he could put himself to sleep and stay asleep in his bed all night, and he still occasionally comes to our room in the middle of the night wanting to get in bed with us, but that’s a different story.

Answer 2 (score 4)

Excellent answers so far! I want to offer another idea:

Has she had leaps in development (mental, motor, etc.) in the last couple of weeks? At her age, she is rapidly learning new things and discovering whole new topics in herself and her surroundings. That’s a lot for a young mind to handle, and while she sleeps her brain tries to make sense of it all and sort it into mental bins. That is a lot of hard work for the brain, and this might upset her just enough that she wakes up without being able to give you any exact reason. She can’t really say my brain is too busy.

Ideas for “cures:”

• It might help to have a longer quiet period before going to sleep, especially if she doesn’t sleep for long before she starts crying.

• If you’re introducing many new things or activities, you might want to slow down a little so that she has a little bit less to mentally process at night.

• Did her surroundings change? It is suddenly much darker outside than it used to be (seasonally)? See if a night light would help, or some white noise, or less light or less noise if possible.

Answer 3 (score 2)

I would suggest talking to your doctor. Is it possible she is having stomach pains? How easily does she soothe when you are up with her? Is the temperature comfortable for her?

So here are my suggestions: evaluate what she is eating/drinking? For example lactose intolerance may be showing up like this. experiment with what she wears to bed. Perhaps her pjs are too warm or too cool for her.

We all wake up many times in the night, but mostly we put ourselves back to sleep. Children are not born with that skill however, and so often when they awake it is distressing to them. If it does not appear that there are other physical factors, such as lactose intolerance or some discomfort, just reassure her that you are there and tuck her back in. Do this in the least interactive manner possible, preferably just talking to her but not touching her except to give back a soother or cover her up. Good luck - it will pass eventually.

Question

My daughter is 2 months old and is exclusively breastfed. After drinking for only 5 mins she falls asleep again and wakes up crying again after 30 mins. We have tried different things like tickling her but have failed to keep her awake to drink for longer. Her weight is in normal range now but we are worried about of her not getting enough. Pls suggest some way of keeping her awake and feed longer.

Answer accepted (score 11)

As suggested above plus a bit more what we’ve been doing with our six week old when she’s prematurely falling asleep mid-feed is:

• Feed until she falls asleep
• Remove items of clothing until she wakes again
• Feed until she falls asleep
  • We’ve found rubbing the palms of her hands as she feeds, if she looks like she’s dropping off, helps. our midwife mentioned it’s an acupressure point for the gut, I’m not sure if this is true, but she does seem to pick up feeding again when we do it
• Change her nappy (but keeping her undressed)
• Feed until she falls asleep again.
• Re-dress her (she’ll hopefully, but not always, wake up at this junction again)
• Feed until she falls asleep.

Seems to be working for now, I’m certainly suggest giving the hand rubbing a go, we didn’t have much luck with tickling ourselves.

Answer 2 (score 7)

She’s could just be building up your supply. Frequent short feedings can increase your production. Don’t try and discourage them, and definitely don’t try and put her “on a schedule”. Those are just recipes for ending up with a formula fed baby.

Also, she could just be a super efficient eater. My kids never really ate for longer than 5 minutes, even during the day.

Also, she could just be cluster feeding, albeit this generally happens in the evenings, my 11mo is currently cluster feeding from about 3:30am to 6:30am (when I finally just get up and take him away from mom so she can sleep for an hour while he happily plays in the living room).

Her weight is normal, her behavior seems normal. You don’t need to worry about that. What you do need to worry about is mom-burn-out. Breast feeding is really really really really hard. Bravo and congrats for getting it done for 2 months! It’s going to take real dedication to keep it going for a year (or 2 or 3, whatever your goal is). Dad is going to have to be really supportive. At the very least, if mom has had a particularly rough night with frequent wakings (this is still happening with us and we have an 11mo) giving mom some disruption free sleep time in the morning; at least 40 minutes so she can get at least one good un-interrupted sleep cycle in. Also, find a le leche meeting near you and get support from them.

Answer 3 (score 7)

She’s could just be building up your supply. Frequent short feedings can increase your production. Don’t try and discourage them, and definitely don’t try and put her “on a schedule”. Those are just recipes for ending up with a formula fed baby.

Also, she could just be a super efficient eater. My kids never really ate for longer than 5 minutes, even during the day.

Also, she could just be cluster feeding, albeit this generally happens in the evenings, my 11mo is currently cluster feeding from about 3:30am to 6:30am (when I finally just get up and take him away from mom so she can sleep for an hour while he happily plays in the living room).

Her weight is normal, her behavior seems normal. You don’t need to worry about that. What you do need to worry about is mom-burn-out. Breast feeding is really really really really hard. Bravo and congrats for getting it done for 2 months! It’s going to take real dedication to keep it going for a year (or 2 or 3, whatever your goal is). Dad is going to have to be really supportive. At the very least, if mom has had a particularly rough night with frequent wakings (this is still happening with us and we have an 11mo) giving mom some disruption free sleep time in the morning; at least 40 minutes so she can get at least one good un-interrupted sleep cycle in. Also, find a le leche meeting near you and get support from them.

Question

Sometimes the only thing that will keep a 2-month-old baby happy is a pacifier, but at that age, baby is too young to retrieve the pacifier after it falls out.

It helps to tuck the pacifier under baby’s swaddle blanket, but this is not a perfect solution.

I can imagine a device similar to those used to keep a retainer in, but I am not sure that this would be safe, and I don’t want it to be a muzzle.

Are there any safe and respectful ways to help the pacifier stay in baby’s mouth?

Answer accepted (score 25)

Seems unsafe to even try anything like that. I recall our hospital had a whole bunch of things they said not to do with pacifiers that pretty much all revolved around the notion of “don’t do like your grandmother did.” (if you look at old pacifiers, you’ll see they have 4 holes, two on each side… those were for tying ribbon behind the baby’s head to keep the pacifier in place.)

Two thoughts though:

1. try one with a different shape. We found that one shape always stayed in longer than the others. Different kids seem to want different shapes.

2. get a pacifier tether or clip to keep it handy when it does fall out. They’re just a short length of ribbon with either a velcro closure, or a loop that you can thread it through on one end and a clip of some sort on the other. These were an amazing help at keeping pacifiers clean and close at hand to pop back in. And as torbengb points out in the comments, make sure it’s not long enough to be a safety hazard, either from choking or strangulation.

Answer 2 (score 18)

You should never secure a pacifier to a child’s mouth. Doing so could obstruct a child’s breathing, prevent stomach contents from clearing the mouth or airway if refluxed or regurgitated, and decrease oral sensory awareness if the child’s senses perceive the device as offensive.

It is important that you consider why the pacifier is falling out. Questions that need to be answered include:

• Is the child hungry and needs milk?

• Is the child’s suck weak? This is sometimes the case for many reasons including prematurity, inexperience, and low muscle tone.

• Does the pacifier match the child’s oral motor skills? If a pacifier is too short or long, too wide or narrow or too stiff or soft it will contribute to fatigue, poor suction, gagging, or difficulty
  breathing.

• Is the problem related to poor hand and motor skills? A child may suck vigorously on the pacifier with good firm pressure, but the pacifier falls out when they rest. The only problem here is the inability to coordinate movements to return the device to the mouth. This will resolve with age and motor development.

Matching a pacifier or nipple of bottle to a baby should consider many factors and may require many trials. You may want to explore a variety of devices to see if one is a better match for you baby.

Answer 3 (score 8)

I think you’ll just have to put it back in once he or she complains. It shouldn’t be that hard since you’re never far from a 2 mo. old anyway, right?

Question

My 5-year old daughter is very defiant.

It started getting bad about 6 months ago. She doesn’t do what she is told, and any time she hears the word “no” she throws terrible, dramatic fits, screaming ridiculously loud, and in some cases hitting.

She refuses to make eye contact when I warn her to stop doing something even when I am down at her eye level and it takes multiple orders to finally get her to look at me. She constantly tells me no.

I feel like I constantly tell her no and that she feels this gives her the right to tell her father and I no.

I have tried time outs which are not effective at all; she only throws a fit the whole time, never seeming to run out of wind. Spankings are only effective until the shock of the action itself wears off and then she returns to the same behavior.

My husband and I recently took away ALL of her toys/ possessions being she is a pretty materialistic child (she loves getting toys and always wants something new). We told her that if she was good and listened and stopped telling us no and throwing fits, that after three days we would let her choose three boxes of toys to bring back in her room. This worked but as soon as she got those three boxes unpacked, we packed them back up because she went right back to the no’s and fit-throwing within a few hours.

I am mainly the one disciplining her and I feel she is definitely the most defiant with me. I believe in explaining to her why things are not OK and why I tell her no, but I really don’t feel it helps and I never feel as if she listens to what I tell her.

I am at my wits’ end and feel like a failure of a mother. She is my first and only child, and the only grandchild on both sides of our family. She is an angel at school but home is completely different.

I need help figuring this out but nobody I talk to really has any advice for me. I am at the point where I am wondering if she or I need counseling because I feel out of options.

Answer accepted (score 26)

Around the age of 4 to 6, all children develop a sense of self and self-efficacy. From the perspective of the parents, children that were easy to direct before now become contrary. At the same time a child that age cannot express her frustrations well without resorting to tears or, if the frustration is bad, a tantrum. Around the age of 6 or 7, children develop the ability to understand and care about another person’s wishes and needs. Then the “unwarranted” and extreme outbursts stop. (All of this is a process and not something that happens over night, so of course your child’s behavior will slowly get “better” in the coming months.)

So, first of all don’t expect your child to be able to suppress her frustration and discuss her wants with you like an adult would. The tantrum is okay, it is her way of saying: I really don’t want this. Just as you expect other people to accept that you don’t agree with them, accept that your child does not agree with you. She just cannot express it in a civilized manner.

Second, following from your understanding that your child’s behavior is totally normal and in tune with her current developmental abilities, there is no need to get upset about your child’s emotional outburst. Distance yourself from it. It is not you, who is frustrated and gets upset, but your child. Just as you would be expected to deal with an adult saying that he does not like what you want of him and feels sad or angered, you must be able to accept that your child is of a different opinion. Disagreement is something that both parties have to endure. Stay calm and relaxed. After some time you will realize that your child’s tantrums get weaker and less frequent, because,

third, a child is a very adaptable being. Children can grow up under all kinds of circumstances, and still be healthy and “function well”. This means, if you turn it around, that much of what you observe in your child is adaptation to her surroundings, and since you are a prominent part of those surroundings, much of that behavior is, in other words, caused by you. If you change yourself, your child will adapt to those changes and in turn be changed as well. Understanding and friendly parents are proven to be the most reliable cause of nice children :-)

Finally, if your child is extremely frustrated by what life and you throw at her, think about if what you expect of her is maybe not really fair. For example, I would say that taking away her toys is just not right. They don’t belong to you, and you have no right to take them away. Just imagine your husband would take away all your clothes (or whatever) because you were not in the mood to cook (or whatever). Why do you treat your child in a way that you would never accept if it were done with you?

Expecting her to hold eye contact when you tell her not to express her frustration is degrading. Imagine you must do something, that you really, really find unfair, and you express your anger, and the person ordering you expects you to look him in they eyes and tell them that you will do it and not say anything unfriendly henceforth. How would you feel? I would feel like I want to punch that person in the face. And that is what your daughter does. Again, it comes down to accepting that some things are frustrating to your daughter and that it is perfectly okay that she lets you know of this frustration. After all, your family is not a tyranny, but a family, isn’t it? It is based on love and understanding, not on your child performing your wishes without any mind of her own.

I have found that a good strategy in dealing with children is threefold:

1. Enforce your own boundaries, not those of the child. For example, if you want quiet after eight o’clock, enforce that quiet. Don’t force your child into bed. My son – he is now five – started going to bed without any problems, after I made clear to him that I won’t bend a finger for him after eight. He had to go to bed without me reading to him and tucking him in a few nights, and now he gets ready when I tell him he has half an hour, if he wants me to read a story to him. Of course he cannot fall asleep immediately every night, because some nights he is not tired, some nights there are things that he needs to think about, and some nights he simply wants to look at another book or play with his cars some more. I allow him all of that, but I suggest to him that he do it in bed and turn off the light when he is finished. So some nights he reads a book and some nights he quietly plays with some toys, but I get my quiet and I don’t have to do anything for him, and he accepts that. I do the same things with all other things that once were a cause for fighting: getting dressed for kindergarten (he once had to go without shoes in the snow, and he was never dressed late after that), eating what he filled on his plate (he does not get anything else to eat before he eats everything on his plate, no matter how long this may take, even if he has to eat the cold lunch for breakfast the next day (yes, I don’t warm it up anymore)) etc. My son, who is extremely strong willed and threw lots of tantrums when he was four, is a nice and easy child today, only because I stopped telling him what to do. The only thing I tell him is what I will do or not do. And he accepts that.

2. Remain calm and unaffected. If you don’t get upset or angry or sad or whatever by the tantrums, the child will understand that they have no effect and stop throwing them. And with unaffected I don’t mean simply outwardly cool, but truly unaffected. Children know if they affect you, and they will use it (which is the only power they have, so don’t begrudge them it). Your child must have the impression that whatever is happening must happen, because it is a law of nature. It has to go to bed in the same way that the sun has to sink under the horizon. It is not you who want that, it is something that simply happens. Act that way. You would not get upset about the sun, so don’t get upset about your child. Make things happen (sit down on the sofa and don’t deal with your child, after you said what was going to happen – if you do this a couple of time, the thing you want will happen).

3. Be clear about what you want. I don’t mean, express yourself in a way that your child understands you, but: You yourself must understand what you truly want. Do you want that your child goes to bed at eight, or do you want quiet and time for yourself? That is not the same, and you can have a quiet time for yourself even if your child is still awake. There really is no reason why a child must sleep at eight. If she sleeps late she will be tired the next day, and that is none of your concern, because she will be in a foul mood, not you. If you explain the effects that she experiences to her, after some time she will understand and want to go to bed early. It is said that you have to repeat things 200 times, before a child learns them, so don’t expect one explanation to be enough. Your child is growing up, so give her time to learn.

One final word of warning: Spanking (which is forbidden in many western countries and could lead a parent to jail in Germany) has been consistently shown to be linked to mood disorders, anxiety disorders, substance abuse and personality disorders. I would strongly recommend that you stop spanking your child immediately.

Answer 2 (score 22)

A few ideas:

Start with yourself

You’re at your wit’s end. You need to fix that as best you can.

1. You’re not a failure. You may have lost some battles, but you’re haven’t lost the war.
2. Remind yourself that this phase won’t last forever, and that you will get through it.
3. Look after yourself. Make sure you’re sleeping, eating etc. properly and that you have space to unwind. Take vitamins.
4. Get support where you can. From friends, relatives, teachers, professionals.
5. Hang in there.

Work with your husband

1. Give your husband time and attention. If you don’t look after your relationship then you’ll have a harder time working together to help your child. Also, this will model the kind of behaviour you expect from your daughter.
2. Recognise your husband’s limitations, and respect that his approach may not always be the same as yours.
3. Agree on a strategy. That doesn’t mean telling him what to do, but rather that you work out a solution together.

Deal with your child

1. Reward each and every small improvement in your daughter’s behaviour. Praise every little thing she does right. Constantly say good things about her. Tell her how much you love, that she’s a good girl (who sometimes forgets). Give her lots of cuddles and positive attention. (Sticker charts work for my son - he knows that when he’s collected enough he gets a prize).
2. As far as possible, ignore bad behaviour. Avoid showing her that she’s won (even if - for now - she has).
3. As best you can, have a daily schedule of activities and stick to it. Make sure your daughter has enough sleep, food, drink and exercise.
4. Be consistent.
5. When she’s calm, explain, in simple language, the consequences of bad behaviour. Focus on the non-social consequences: the fact that she won’t have time to play, that you’ll be too tired to help her etc.
6. Offer alternatives. Instead of “Brush your teeth!”, say, “Would you like to use the pink toothbrush or the red one today?”. Not just, “No, you can’t have sweets”, but “You can have fruit instead?”.
7. Admit to your daughter when you’re wrong or when you’ve over reacted.

I’ve been asked in comments for more information and examples of how steps 2, 6 and 7 might actually work in practice.

Step 6

Giving your child options over how they do a task is different from giving your child the option not to do the task. It gives appropriate choices to your child rather than inappropriate ones. Offering fruit instead is a real example that we still use with my son, and it still works just as well as it always has - which is to say that it doesn’t always work, but works most of the time.

Step 2

Ignoring inappropriate behaviour is effective because children often exhibit a particular behaviour because they’re trying to provoke a reaction, and when they don’t get that reaction they often change their behaviour.

Admittedly, this approach can be difficult, expecially because there are certain behaviours that you simply can’t ignore. But you can choose to overlook angry words, sulking, staming feet, etc. until the emotion has drained out of the situation.

Many years ago I sat in on a session with a clinical psychologist who used this technique to great effect with the very undisciplined 6-year-old with whom he was working. Moreover, I worked in nursery schools for some years, and saw the effectiveness of this technique many time. Oh, and it works with my son, too.

Step 7

Your long-term aim is not to control your child, but to teach them to take responsibility and act appropriately. Admitting you’re wrong isn’t giving control away. Rather, it is accepting responsibility for your own behaviour, and by doing so you are choosing to take control; control of yourself.

• It shows respect for the child that you have wronged, which is important for their emotional well-being.
• Children learn by example, and saying sorry is a good example of behaviour we want to see from the children in our care.
• Part of being consistent is demonstrating that the same rules apply to everyone.
• Ultimately, children need to understand that adult behaviour isn’t perfect, but that is no excuse for reacting badly.

Answer 3 (score 14)

Perhaps you are approaching this the wrong way. You seem to want to win, so that she will obey, but it’s not about that. Think of it this way, how would you feel if someone was telling you what to do and how to do it every second of the day? You want her to do what you want, when you want it, and how you want it but it doesn’t work that way unfortunately. She’s not a robot, she wants and needs some freedom and she will fight to get it.

My suggestion would be to back off, and try and give guidance instead of orders when possible. Say what needs to be done, and then give her the time to do it. Offer choices, like “do you want to clean up your toys before lunch, or after lunch”. She’s going to pick up her toys, but she gets to choose when, and it makes a big difference. It’s not always possible, there are times when she will need to do as you say when you say it, but if you’re giving her choices and freedom you’re more likely to get cooperation when you really need it.

Pick your battles, not every one needs to be fought. If you stop fighting her she’ll stop fighting you. Don’t think of backing off as backing down or losing face, it’s not a loss of any kind.

Question

My 2 year-old seems to have lost her appetite in the last 3 to 4 weeks: she eats very little at meal times (couple of mouthfuls) and definitely much less than she used to. She does not seem to be ill, sleeps well at night and nap times, has plenty of energy to run around and is generally happy. The only changes I have noticed is that she seems a little more clingy and moody than she used to. She has lost some weight (over 10% of her body mass - she was in the 25% in the curves, and has always been there, and so is now in the 10%).

I expect it is normal that appetite and weight somewhat fluctuate so would like to know at what point one should worry about this and seek medical advice (e.g. signs to look for, a % weight loss that gets too significant, a prolonged period of time, etc.)?

Answer accepted (score 6)

As a parent of a child the same age if I were in your situation I’d take her to the doctor now. A 10% weight loss in a child plus a loss of appetite for more than a couple of days is something you should address right away.

Answer 2 (score 6)

As a parent of a child the same age if I were in your situation I’d take her to the doctor now. A 10% weight loss in a child plus a loss of appetite for more than a couple of days is something you should address right away.

Answer 3 (score 6)

I like Torben’s list, but I don’t think that having a child who is low on the growth curve is a reason to be overly concerned about weight loss unless your child has all ready been diagnosed as being underweight by his/her pediatrician or with failure to thrive. The reality, though, is that children in the lower percentiles follow the same growth patterns as children in the upper percentiles. I doubt anyone would bat an eye if a 26 pound 2-year-old lost two pounds. While it might seem alarming that your child has gone from the 25th percentile to the 10th percentile, a quick check for growth charts shows that the difference between those percentiles is, like, 2 pounds. What I’m saying is, it doesn’t take much for a kid to fluctuate between percentiles at this age, and my daughter has floated between the 5th and 10th percentiles her whole life.

There does come a point in a child’s development when their eating habits change because they are not growing/changing as rapidly as they previously were. I have found in my own kids and in my friends’ kids that this usually occurs right about the time they turn two (some earlier, some later).

My daughter just turned 2 and could probably be awarded the crown for world’s pickiest eater. She’ll go a couple of weeks and pick around throughout the day with her food, then she’ll suddenly gear up and start eating more. This usually coincides with a small growth spurt. After the growth spurt is over, she goes back to her usual routine of picky, less-than-stellar eating.

Frequently, I’ve seen that toddlers at this age lose some of their baby fat and grow taller. If she’s grown taller, then there shouldn’t really be need for concern. Her body is getting adequate nutrients to continue growing, it’s just that the resources are being allocated differently (ie. growing in height rather than girth). Additionally, your child is more active than he/she has ever been, and, therefore, burning more calories as a result. You would think this would make your child hungrier and make them want to eat more, but it generally doesn’t.

If she has not gotten taller, this should probably be cause for concern. There are plenty of illnesses and diseases whose early indications are so few or minor that it’s not until the patient becomes seriously ill that they even go to the doctor. When it comes to weight loss like that, diabetes comes to mind as one example.

As for her crankiness, strangely enough being cranky or clingy is one of the signs of a growth spurt. So, perhaps she’s just growing. Or maybe she’s teething. Or maybe she’s bored. Who knows? Kids get cranky/clingy for lots of reasons. If you don’t believe she’s ill, then the clingy list could go on and on.

She will probably pick her eating up again on her own. One night you’ll sit down to dinner and she’ll clean her plate and ask for more.

This next part is purely opinion, kindly remember I’m not a doctor–never have been; never claimed to be: I would give it maybe two to three more weeks (depending on your tolerance level) and see if she’s improved any. Despite my daughter’s eating issues, she’s never gone more than a couple of weeks of being exceptionally picky. Anything more than that and you’re starting to get to the 2-month threshold and that, personally, seems too long. I have been known to weigh my daughter frequently so there’s no shame in standing her on the bathroom scale if it will give you some hard data to take with you to the doctor.

Question

I would like some help on how to deal with an 8 year old boy, who is refusing to go number 2’s in the toilet and does them in his pants and then won’t go and clean himself up. I have talked to him and asked if there is anything going on at school that may have upset him and he told me no. I have seen a doctor, no help, I finally got out of him tonight that its because he is being lazy. I then told him that it was not on and if it happens again he will loose his privileges, and he said he didn’t care. I also made him hand wash his soiled clothes( this may have been the wrong thing to do) to which he said he didn’t care. This has been going on since he was a baby. I’m at my wits end HELP

Answer accepted (score 8)

Positive Reinforcement

I can’t stress that enough. Everything you’ve mentioned to resolve the issue is a negative reinforcement. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but it’s not supportive of shaping behavior.

What might have happen is you’ve become caught up in dealing with the problem instead of focusing on the goal of toilet training.

Become Nonreactive

The very act of getting upset when he spoils himself could be reinforcing the behavior. Children can develop an interest in the negative reactions of their parents.

Deal with it calmly, and without any negative emotion. Simply tell him “That’s okay, next time use the toilet”.

This neutral response when coupled with positive reinforcement for using the toilet will make spoiling himself an unattractive option.

Get Back To The Basics

It’s time to get back to the basics. You need to walk the child through the process of toilet training from start to finish. Repeat this process until success. You can’t just skip steps and assume he knows how it works.

• Read him books on toilet training. Most books are focused at younger children, but the key is the bound between parent and child. The child needs to have a strong feeling of trust with the parent to use the toilet while the parent is present. It’s during this sharing time that the bound is created.
• Stay with him during toilet time. Speak in encouraging ways. This is a special time between parent and child. This is the time a parent gives the child one-on-one attention.
• Take him to the bathroom. Hold his hand and walk him there. You’re the parent and it’s your job to say “It’s bathroom time”. Don’t say “Go to the bathroom” and stay behind.
• Set a time duration. During bathroom time my children spend about 1 minute per year of age. After that if nothing happens they are free to go play.
• Model the behavior. Openingly state “I have to use the bathroom” when you need to go. Leave the bathroom door open, and allow him to see adults are the same as children. Allow him to enter and talk with him during your bathroom breaks.
• Display the end results. Before flushing bring in the child and display what you’ve done. For a young child this fulfils curiosity. An older child might not be interested, but allow him the opportunity.

Use Positive Reinforcement To Shape Behavior

Children will do almost anything for just a little attention from their parents. You can reward bathroom time in many ways.

• Keep books he finds interesting in the bathroom, and read to him.
• Keep some toys he likes (action figures are good) and play with him while he sits.
• Allow him to personalize the bathroom. Put his artwork on the walls.
• Take him shopping and allow him to pick out a custom toilet seat with cartoon characters on it he likes.

Avoid delayed rewards. Don’t promise gifts or treats that are given later. Don’t promise something based upon conditions (i.e. if you poop you get thing X as a reward). These are complex concepts for children to associate with a behavior.

Let Go Of The Problem

Yes, the child going number 2 in his pants is a huge problem. It’s a big problem for you and for him when he’s at school.

You need to let it go. That weight of the problem could be shaping the way you’re handling the training. Don’t let the problem create a negative atmosphere around the process of training. Keep the toilet training and accidents he has as separate things in your head.

Part of starting training over is understanding that he doesn’t currently use the bathroom correctly. Therefore, accidents are a perfectly natural event for him.

Answer 2 (score 7)

I have a six year old in the same situation. He’s a control freak. He’s oppositional defiant. He doesn’t want to stop what he’s doing to go poop in the potty and generally holds it. His overall goal is to prove me and the rest of the world wrong… he is convinced that he will do things his way and will be right about not having to poop on the potty. We have scheduled potty sit times in the morning and evening. All of the above advice has been tried for two solid years. NONE of it works. I repeat, none of it works.

Don’t listen to anyone but a licensed behavioral specialist. A parent that hasn’t dealt with this has no idea how determined your child is. It just might be the most frustrating situation that I have dealt with in my life, not just parenting. At three or four years old, some of those techniques can work, but at 5, 6, 7 and 8 years old, it is beyond normal toilet training tactics. Don’t let a parent push their success with their two year old to make you feel like they have any idea about your 8 year old. This a an entirely different issue - it’s not potty training anymore.

Once again, I implore you, seek out ONLY professional behavioral advice. Even if he has a medical issue at the root of this problem, it has conditioned his behavior for so long, that he needs behavioral modification. Good luck. I am up to my neck in this awful situation.

Answer 3 (score 6)

Toilet timing? Would that help? You send him to the toilet at regular times when you think he has to do a poo. I can recognize when my daughter has to, for instance, but I can’t see on my other kids, so maybe you wouldn’t recognize the signs neither. In that case, maybe first during a week or so you would have to write on a paper the times when your boy soiled his pants. So then you know more or less when it is likely to happen next. And so you would send him to the toilet around that time, and encourage him to stay as long as he needs to (and if that doesn’t result in a poo, then you would have to send him back not too long after, etc etc). And when it is done, maybe a little reward or at least congratulate him?

(I personally never got much chance with toilet timing, but it apparently works very well for many people…)

My daughter is nearly seven year old and regurlarly wets/soils her pants. So I hear your pain, I am sometimes very very depressed too, it has put lots of pressure on my relationship with my daughter (who is a very nice cheerful girl otherwise). All the things we can try, it makes me feel bad and useless. I hope you will find a solution soon.

Question

My kid (not born yet) has both parents working.

I have the choice of calling up my father in law to stay at our house to watch the infant of 5 months and I also have the choice of sending the kid in daycare.

If my father in law stays at home with us then we will have to get a babysitter who will be there the full day.

One con of not letting the baby go to the daycare is IMO that he’ll be exposed to TV at the age of 5 months at home. At a quality daycare, I can make sure he doesn’t get to watch any TV.

After one year he will in any case have to be send to the daycare.

Is 5 months a too young age to let the infant be in the daycare OR should we prefer to be at home with his grand father and a babysitter?

Answer accepted (score 11)

We had to send my son to daycare by the time he was 3 months old.

My wife got 4 weeks of maternity leave, and then used 4 weeks of vacation to extend it to two months.

I had saved up 4 weeks of vacation/personal time as well, so I took over staying home once my wife had to go back to work.

At 3 months, we started taking our son to a friend who was looking to get into daycare (she was a stay-at-home mother with 3 daughters, and our son was the only one there besides her daughters). It was a pretty decent arrangement, since she agreed to minimize our son’s exposure to TV (her daughters watched it during the day), and he got a fair amount of interaction (both she and her daughters doted on him).

The only downside seemed to be that my son developed a fascination with blonde girls :P

However, at 5 months, the friend decided to accept a job offer, leaving us stranded. Fortunately, we found an in-home daycare run by a woman who had both a license as an in-home daycare provider (with attendant prerequisite training), and excellent recommendations from a friend who had sent 2 of his daughters to her for years.

So at 5 months, our son went to a daycare with 7-9 children, all but one of whom were significantly older (the ages ran from 4 months to 5 years at the time).

More than 2 years later, my son is still there, and we’re quite happy with the arrangement (aside from a few minor bumps that result from interactions with children of parents that aren’t as engaged, or who have some significantly different perspectives on parenting techniques than we do).

Pros:

• Social Interaction My son has established friendships with quite a few children there over time. While the roster of kids attending changes (some outgrew it, some moved, other new kids came in to take their place), two of the children there now are ones who were there when he started, and he’s adjusted very well to the others leaving. Generally, I have to say that my son is far more social than either I or my wife. I was shy, even as a kid. My son is most decidedly not. He has also learned how to share; not to hit, push, or bite; and how to take turns. I have seen much older children who don’t have the level of mastery of these skills most of the kids in the daycare have.

• Health This one is questionable, but I have heard this repeated from many other parents. When we first started my son in daycare, he got sick. A lot. Every cold, flu, or other nastiness (including a bout of hand, foot and mouth disease that wound up knocking me out for 4 days!) that was going around… my son caught it. Many of them seemed to start in the schools, get transmitted to kids in daycare from older siblings, and then get to my son. This lasted for most of the first year. Now, however, my son rarely gets sick. Supposedly this will help him resist a lot of the stuff going around once he gets into school, too. However, I’m skeptical.

• Nutrition Oddly enough, our son eats much better at daycare than he does at home. He is a very picky eater for us. At daycare, though, he apparently eats whatever he’s given (and our daycare provider prepares homemade meals for the kids old enough to eat solid foods). I suspect peer pressure plays a part in this.

Cons

• Lack of control We simply don’t have the level of control over his environment that we would if he were home, even if we had a baby sitter. Despite our resolutions when planning our parenting strategies, he does watch TV (it runs in the background at daycare, and kids periodically bring in DVDs of their favorite movies/shows). He does get exposed to other influences that we don’t love (one boy, now gone, had some behavior problems that included words that aren’t generally appropriate for that age, and had a grandmother who spanked him in front of my son).

• Cost Our daycare is a fraction of the cost of what we’d be paying at other daycares within our area, and the cost is still significant.

• Schedule We lose a bit of flexibility in our schedule. We have to drop him off between certain times, and pick him up before 5p.m. (although we have asked in the past for a little flexibility from our provider for specific circumstances; not all daycares will allow this, though, and many charge exceedingly steep “fees” for picking up outside of normal times). Since we’re reliant on a single provider, for days where she is sick or has a vacation, we have to make other arrangements (sometimes on short notice).

Other Considerations

Not all daycare providers are the same. For that matter, neither are all babysitters.

You have to do your research, and check references (this is very important; try to at least talk to some people who have brought their kids to the daycare before committing, if at all possible). Also check to see if the daycare is licensed and insured,

In our area, almost every daycare is full, and most use a waiting list system. Frequently they will limit the number of enrollments by age bracket, so even if there is an opening, your child may be too young or old for that particular spot. It isn’t uncommon to have to wait over a year for an opening.

Going earlier, rather than later, may have some additional benefits. It makes it easier to drop them off in the morning, since they become used to it at an early age. We rarely have any problems with my son becoming upset about going to daycare, and if he does complain, we simply point out that he’ll get to see his friends, at which point he says “oh, yeah!” and becomes enthusiastic.

Answer 2 (score 8)

That depends a lot on the daycare and the age of the other kids.

Where I live (The Netherlands), maternity leave ends when the baby is 12 weeks old, and then they go to daycare, usually just 2-3 days a week at first. This means that the staff is experienced with babies of this age, and they are well cared for. There is also a rule that in the groups of tiny ones, there is one care provider per four babies.

The downsides that I experienced with my son in daycare were that he would be more tired than usual at the end of the day, and that he was often sick in the beginning. Both are unavoidable, but you might have reasons to want your kid to go through that kind of adjustment later (e.g. an older baby is more robust). Personally, I don’t think that it makes a big difference in the long run.

The positive side is that smaller babies adjust to strangers more easily. On my son’s first day in daycare, we found him completely asleep, completely relaxed, in the arms of one of the ladies working there. He had just fallen asleep while feeding. The transition from home to daycare was completely smooth for him.

I believe he started really enjoying daycare around the time that he began to crawl (7-8 months). There was more space to explore, more toys, and it was a safe space where he could touch anything he wanted, all of which he really liked. At that point it seemed pretty clear to me that daycare is preferable to staying at home.

Answer 3 (score 5)

One point I’d like to add that I haven’t seen listed is that putting your child into a daycare at an earlier age allows them to learn the daycare’s schedule and routine at an earlier age. My son started in daycare at 6 weeks old and we NEVER had any trouble with transitions from room to room, knowing the staff, etc. My daughter didn’t start in daycare until she was over age 1 and it took her a LONG time to adjust to all the teachers, the other kids, their day-to-day schedule, etc. Maybe it’s just my daughter’s personality, but the road was a little more bumpy for her than it was for my son.

If you can’t find a daycare that you feel comfortable with, then you will have to go with option 1 (father-in-law/babysitter). I, personally, feel more comfortable putting my child in a daycare where there are many caregivers “policing” each other so to speak than I do inviting someone that I basically don’t know into the privacy of my home where there is no one to observe them if they choose to harm my kids. That’s just me. I have two sisters-in-law who would rather die than put their kids into daycare and both have had a number of babysitters/nannies over the years.

We’ve been through several different childcare facilities over the past five years or so because we had changes in our lives and moving and whatnot. Here are my primary suggestions:

1. Check to see what (if any) requirements daycares in your country/area are supposed to meet. Daycares here in the US are pretty well regulated. If they can’t meet the minimum requirements, they shouldn’t be on your list.
2. Schedule a visit with any daycares you are interested in. Scheduling this time will usually allow you to ask any questions you have.
3. Once you’ve made your initial daycare visits, DROP IN UNEXPECTEDLY to see how they treat the children in their care when no one is looking. Many times, if you schedule a time to visit a daycare, they will make sure that everyone is on their best behavior, everything is shiny and clean, etc. If you drop in unexpectedly they don’t have time to do that. You can even do it under the guise of needing to pick up some paperwork or drop off some paperwork or something. You don’t have to do this with every daycare that you initially visited, only the ones you’re starting to seriously consider.
4. Find out their student-teacher ratio. Keep in mind that if they say that they have a 4:1 ratio that may mean they have 12 kids in their infant rooms with 3 teachers/caregivers in that room with the babies.
5. Ask if their teachers/caregivers are certified in things like first aid and CPR. You can even ask to see proof of this because they could certainly lie to you.
6. Certainly ask for references of families that you can contact. If they can’t give you any, that’s probably a red flag.
7. Ask about their teacher/caregiver turn-over. If they go through a lot of caregivers in a year, that’s usually a sign that the teachers are unhappy working there and wind up going elsewhere whereas a more stable workforce is typically a sign of happier employees. Happier employees usually mean happier children since they aren’t constantly having to learn new teachers/caregivers all the time and all the new quirks of those new teachers.

Those are some basics. There are many more. If you can’t put your child into a daycare without feeling completely comfortable doing so, then don’t do it. You’ll spend all your time at work worrying about them and second-guessing yourself and generally suffering from extreme mommy guilt. You will have plenty of opportunities to suffer from mommy guilt over the next 18-20 years, don’t make picking a daycare be one of those things. If you can’t be comfortable with your decision, go with the babysitter and give yourself a few more months to find the right place.

Question

We’ve just had a new arrival- a little boy, now 7 days old.

During the day he sleeps like a dream. As I write this, he has been asleep for around 4 hours without really stirring at all.

The only trouble is that he does not do this at all at night. When it gets to about 9pm, suddenly he becomes a different child! He drinks his bottle as normal, but then will not settle, wriggling around uncomfortably and then screaming whenever he is put down. Last night this carried on continuously until 4.30am.

We suspect it may be colic. (He’s our second child, and our first suffered with it too.) But if so I cannot understand why it only happens at night and not during the day. Perhaps if we knew, we could try to somehow reproduce the daytime circumstances at night.

He’s in the same cradle in day and night. He’s clothed the same, with the same blanket. We’ve tried leaving a light on, and playing some white-noise. But none of these seem to make a difference. Any suggestions?

Answer accepted (score 14)

Some babies have their internal clock backwards when they’re born. My daughter is three weeks old, and while not quite as out of rhythm as your son, she is definitely more awake and aware between the hours of 7 and midnight than during daylight, and she sleeps like a rock during the day. Some of this may be inherent in a baby’s programming; Mommy’s expected to be able to get some work done during the day, whether it’s laundry and dishes or pounding corn and scraping sabretooth tiger skins. So, baby sleeps more during the day, because a loud fussy baby out in a field with predators hunting is a prime target for natural selection. I’m not sure what the statistics would have been for a baby dying due to a loud mouth as opposed to disease, starvation or exposure, but I would guess it’s not insignificant.

One thing to try is to get him accustomed to light levels increasing in the morning and then decreasing at night. Babies can’t see very well, but like you and me their brains react to overall light levels, and so the use of artificial light in the evenings can mess with a baby’s circadian rhythm (such as it is at less than a month old), especially if you avoid using them during the day in lieu of sunlight through windows (which can result in the house being dimmer overall during the day than at night). Avoid bright interior lights after sundown; invest in some dimmer switches (unfortunately if you’ve “gone green” and switched to CFLs you’ll find most don’t dim and the ones that do don’t do it well) and in some lower-lumen fixtures like a 25-40W table lamp instead of the 180W ceiling light. Gradually lower the light level as you head toward bedtime. We’ve found that it’s helpful to leave some overhead lights on all night, but dimmed to the minimum level we can reliably see at. This allows us to see our baby and find out what’s wrong, and to head for the fridge to get a bottle, while being less piercing than a nightlight that would provide the same basic level of illumination.

Another thing is that acid reflux is common in newborns; their digestive tract muscles aren’t all working in concert yet, and they swallow air which bubbles back up carrying stomach acid and half-digested formula with it. So, many newborns like being propped up with their head higher than their feet. Try a crib wedge, or bring his swing or bouncy chair into the nursery and put him down in that instead. My daughter simply can’t sleep flat for this reason, and these remedies help her sleep longer and fuss less at night.

It can be gas/air; babies can be fussy after a bottle, and our daughter will occasionally (not regularly but every once in a while) get a big air bubble in her tummy that takes hours to work itself back out. One of those just happened to be at 8:00 on a Sunday night, and the wife and I were up till sunrise calming her. Bottles that allow air in while feeding are good investments; my wife and I have had good success with the Playtex VentAire bottles, as well as the Dr Brown’s design. Some Similac bottles and other brands have an air vent at the base of the nipple, but it often isn’t one way so you have to keep it above the liquid level, and it can introduce air bubbles into the formula. Also consider a baby formula designed “for fussiness and gas”, and don’t suddenly change the formula you use (at least not on a work night; we think that was one cause of the worst night we’ve had so far).

Another thing, more ingrained, is that lying flat on one’s back is a “danger” posture for babies. They’re completely helpless and exposed, and so their instinct will be to call for Mommy. The solution, says Dr Karp, is to hold a baby on its side and not its back. I’ve tried this and it almost miraculously stops the crying about 95% of the time, but it’s not a practical solution for sleeping (it’s not recommended to hold your baby while you yourself sleep, and it’s not recommended to put the child in their crib in any position but on their back to prevent SIDS, nor to “bolster” them with any soft cushion). Again, putting the baby in his swing or bouncy chair so his head is propped up avoids him feeling like he’s on his back. Finding a way to secure yourself so you can’t roll over (like in a recliner) nor drop your baby as you sleep (a Moby wrap maybe) can be an acceptable way to hold your baby while you both get some shuteye. My wife has gotten pretty used to dozing in the rocking recliner in our daughter’s nursery.

Swaddling can also help calm a baby down. It may not seem that way, as many babies initially don’t seem to like being wrapped up tight in a blanket, but once you finish swaddling and calm their crying the swaddling helps them feel secure even after you’re no longer holding them. We have a few HALO SleepSack Swaddles, and a few SwaddleMe wraps, and both of them work really well (the SwaddleMe wraps are excellent for swaddling your little one while he’s in a car carrier or other harness restraint; the HALOS are more versatile overall), but even a receiving blanket about 3 feet square can wrap baby nice and snug. Once the crying has calmed and the baby’s drifting off again, you can try putting him back in his crib. If the crying starts again, try propping him up as in earlier tips, and if you’re able try maintaining some point of physical contact so he knows you’re nearby (this is why we love our Co-Sleeper bassinet; it straps to the side of the bed so our daughter is right beside us without any roll-over worries).

One last thing is that babies go through a phase called “PURPLE” crying. It normally starts about two weeks and continues up to 3-4 months. During this time, babies will cry more often, for longer periods, be less consolable when they cry, may look like they’re in pain, and may cry more in the evenings. This is often mistaken for “colic”, but is in reality just a phase every baby goes through. PURPLE crying does many things that are actually beneficial; it helps your baby’s lungs develop further, it helps your baby become attached to you (or to whomever comes most reliably when they cry), and in trying to soothe the crying, you as parents will introduce many visual, auditory and tactile stimuli that will help your baby develop mentally. Your baby WILL grow out of it, so have patience; it really does get better.

Answer 2 (score 0)

I recently had a baby boy (about 3 eeks now). He cries alot between the hours of 10pm to 4.30am almost on a daily basis. I tried several activities based on the advised of Doctors and other health practitioners without any solution. I have now come to realize that if you give him a ‘sleeping bath’ say around 11pm, he sleeps almost immediately until around 4am. Try it cause it worked for me.

Question

My wife and I use our TV to watch shows and streaming movies. Our 2 month old daughter is sometimes drawn to the TV and will turn her head towards it and will ‘focus’ on it. I know that their eye sight is not developed to the point where they can really watch it. But perhaps the moving shapes and the sounds pique the interest for her growing brain and senses.

Is TV harmful at all to my infant’s development?

I also want to clarify that we are always interacting with the baby, except when she is asleep, or when we’re trying to cook dinner. So, we’re not neglecting the baby and depriving her of social interaction.

Answer accepted (score 38)

In summary, research findings to date might suggest a correlation between television viewing and developmental problems, but they cannot show causality.

There is no evidence that television, even educational programming, has any positive effect on children younger than 2 years old. In fact, some studies suggest it may be harmful.

According to the above AAP media release:

To be beneficial, children need to understand the content of programs and pay attention to it. Children older than 2 years and those younger than 2 years are at different levels of cognitive development and process information differently.¹⁰ In fact, 2 studies have found that watching a program such as “Sesame Street” has a negative effect on language for children younger than 2 years,^11,12 and 2 studies have found no evidence of benefit.^13,14 There is a paucity of research on this topic, but the existing literature suggests that media use does not promote language skills in this age group.

Studies have shown that children under the age of 2 generally do not understand what is being shown on television, and, while there is conflicting information on whether or not they can learn anything useful from television, even the studies that show some learning indicate that the learning is less than would be obtained from comparable “live” interactions.

The concerns are stronger in the area of language development. This TED talk describes how minimal the impact of television on a toddler’s language development is (2% as effective as a real person). In addition, a television being on generally reduces the amount of language interactions the baby has with the parents, as, at best, both the baby and the parents will be distracted by the television, and at worst the parents will use the television as an opportunity to engage in activities that do not involve the baby.

Again from the AAP media release:

A study that examined 12-, 24-, and 36-month-olds found that background television not only reduced the length of time that a child played but also that it reduced the child’s focused attention during play.³⁴ Children stop to look at a televised program, halt their ongoing play, and move on to a different activity after the interruption.³⁴ Although most research has been performed on adolescents, study results suggest that background media might interfere with cognitive processing, memory, and reading comprehension.

However:

Only 1 research study, conducted in 1996, resulted in evidence to the contrary. In that study, 10-month-old infants tuned out surrounding noise and concentrated more during play.³⁷

More study results:

• Children younger than 5 years who watch television spend less time in creative play and less time interacting with parents or siblings
• For every hour of television that a child younger than 2 years watches alone, he or she spends an additional 52 minutes less time per day interacting with a parent or sibling.
• For every hour of television, there is 9% less time on weekdays and 11% less time on weekends spent in creative play for a child younger than 2 years.
• However, children who live in households with heavy media use spend between 25% (for 3- to 4-year-olds) and 38% (for 5- to 6-year-olds) less time being read to or reading.^3,4 These children have a lower likelihood of being able to read compared with their peers from households with low media use.⁴
• Although parents perceive a televised program to be a calming sleep aid, some programs actually increase bedtime resistance, delay the onset of sleep, cause anxiety about falling asleep, and shorten sleep duration.⁴¹ Specifically, in children younger than 3 years, television viewing is associated with irregular sleep schedules.⁴²

Since 1999, 3 studies have evaluated the effects of heavy television use on language development in children 8 to 16 months of age. In the short-term, children younger than 2 years who watch more television or videos have expressive language delays,^12,43,44 and children younger than 1 year with heavy television viewing who are watching alone have a significantly higher chance of having a language delay.⁴⁴ Although the long-term effects on language skills remain unknown, the evidence of short-term effects is concerning.

Answer 2 (score 10)

The key issue, as noted in Beofett’s studies, is that increased TV use is generally a sign of less social interaction. However, it’s important to recognise that “Low Media Use” is an abnormal state in most Western countries. If parents are actively avoiding TV use, that’s generally a sign that they’re going to try harder to read to their children and generally “parent” more. It looks from your question like you’re doing this already.

Should you plonk your kid down in front of the TV while you go off to chat on the phone for half an hour? No. But it doesn’t sound like you’re doing that.

Is watching TV while your kid sits and plays in front of you going to cause your child to grow up with ADD? Probably not, unless you’re so fascinated with the TV that you might as well not be there.

Basically, the TV is for older children and adults. For small children, it’s a fascinating oddity, but so are the mobiles you hang above their cribs, the cat, and their own hands.

But if your child’s happily playing and doesn’t need your attention and you want to watch something, there’s no evidence to suggest that’s harmful. It might distract them, but again, at that age, the world is full of distractions.

Answer 3 (score 7)

^{Some of the other answers seem to address older children. I’m focusing on infants as per the question.}

Yes, TV is harmful to an infant because it overstimulates.

A TV screen is very active. This fast-paced activity should be avoided so as to not overload the mental processing capacity of the infant. While you’re right that moving patterns and sounds are good stimulation for infants, such inputs need to be much slower than what a TV provides.

We adults don’t really notice the fast pace because we can follow what’s going on and it makes sense to us. But if you can’t follow it, then it’s putting quite some strain on you. There’s a constant flood of light and dark flashes, fast movements, transitions and cuts between perspectives and scenes. If you look at your screen out of the corner of the eye, you’ll get an idea of this - Or walk into a TV store… it’s too hectic! Also, it doesn’t have to be “Rambo”; even a relatively calm show like the evening news has lots of multi-camera action.

So I would avoid putting an infant in a position where she can see the TV screen, even partially or in the corner of the eye. Place the baby facing away from the screen (facing you!) instead.

Good visual stimulation for infants can be provided using mobiles that hang above their crib. Infants only have black/white vision the first 6 months, so the mobiles need to have distinct shapes and contrasting patterns (dots, spirals, lines, etc.). Later, colors are important too.

Question

How quickly do I need to jump on changing a dirty diaper? What are the downsides of waiting vs getting right to it?

I have two specific scenarios in mind:

1. I’m holding my son during the day time, and he lets one fly. Should I interrupt what I’m doing to get him cleaned up? Should I wait for a bit to make sure he’s done? If he’s not unhappy about the situation, can I just wait?
2. It’s nighttime and he’s sleeping. We can get through a feed with him waking minimally, eating, and then going right back to sleep. However, changing a diaper wakes him up completely and makes it much harder to get him back to sleep. Can we just leave it if he’s not complaining and he isn’t developing diaper rash?

My son is an infant (currently 2 weeks), how does the advice change with age?

Answer accepted (score 26)

Yes you can wait.

Unless you can’t be interrupted (like when you’re driving), you should change the diaper “reasonably fast,” meaning within ten minutes or so during the daytime. That’s a very rough guideline though. Here are some considerations:

• It varies how well children handle nighttime diaper changes.

  • If you can change during the night, do it. That is most comfortable, leads to longer sleep phases (good for mommy and daddy!), has less risk of leaking, and less risk of developing a rash.
  • If nighttime changing doesn’t work well, either try training it, or make a habit to change as late in the evening + as early in the morning as possible. At two weeks of age, you all have not yet have time to adjust yet; it might still work out so don’t give up the training just yet.

• With newborns, my experience is that it’s all in one go, so you would not need to wait at all. By the time you’ve got him undressed, enough time will have passed already. But beware of rogue peeing :-) this often happens within seconds of removing the dirty diaper. Have a washcloth ready to cover the privates.

• Infants and toddlers often take a few minutes to finish. With infants, just wait a few minutes and then change. With toddlers, you might be able to use this time for potty training, but that’s another story.

• Generally, waiting a little while does no harm. An exception is if the diaper area is already irritated or infected, in which case the diaper should be changed as soon as reasonably possible as to prevent extending the condition.

• Finally, waiting usually means smelling so there will likely be a natural limit to how long you will be willing to wait :-)

• And of course there will be situations where you simply don’t notice for a looong time. Don’t worry yourself over that, it just happens.

Answer 2 (score 14)

With a newborn, you can certainly wait. Ten minutes, as Torben sais, is a good measure. Note that this doesn’t mean you should always wait that long.

From my own experience, this changes once you start introducing solid foods, which is usually around six months of age. Solid faeces are much more prone to irritate the skin, so changing the diaper quickly becomes more important. That still doesn’t mean that you have to drop everything you are doing right the moment you notice something, though. (For example, if you are cleaning you wife’s most beloved crystal vase, you should not only take the time to set it down instead of dropping it, but put it in a secure place where your child can not throw it down…)
I would lower the acceptable time span to about 2-5 minutes for babies who eat solid food.

Answer 3 (score 8)

The rate skin develops a rash is in direct proportion to the acidic level of the feces. It’s the mixture of water and acid that causes skin irritation. So if the baby is having solid and dryer movements, then you can wait, but wet material or anything that might be caused by diarrhea needs to be changed immediately.

The faster the food flows thru the bowls the higher it’s acidic level. This can be caused by diet, illness or fatigue. When a rash develops it’s often because of this problem, and the simple contact of feces is enough to worsen the problem.

So, my advise is what I did with my daughter. The two finger test. If it feels wet then it needs to be changed, but it your fingers come back dry you can let it lie.

Question

My 7 months baby fell from the bed yesterday on her back. I couldn’t notice how she fell but we heard a sound and we ran to her only to find here lying on her back crying. The height of the bed is about 50 inch from the floor. She seems to be OK now playing but still I am very scared whether she might have internal injury. How to know whether she had any injury at home ?

Answer accepted (score 28)

Firstly, if you’re really worried for any reason or even have a shadow of a doubt take her to a doctor.

Generally babies and toddlers aren’t injured in falls as they have softer bones and don’t tend to tense up while falling until they’ve experienced the pain of a few falls. Unless your baby is showing pain or a side effect from the fall such a losing consciousness, it’s unlikely you have anything to worry about.

I have five children and you tend to become more relaxed and less worried unless you can see something is wrong or unusual (such as refusing food for more than 2 normal feeds) with the baby after a fall or bump. Babies and toddlers are extremely resilient.

Here is a good page about falls including warning signs to look out for: http://www.babycenter.com/0_falls_397.bc

Call 911 if your child experiences any of the following after a fall:

• A loss of consciousness. If your child isn’t breathing, have someone call 911 while you administer infant cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) (if your child is younger than 12 months) or cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) (if your child is 12 months or older) until help arrives. If you’re alone, give your child CPR for two minutes, then call 911 yourself.
• Bleeding that you’re unable to stop with pressure.
• A seizure.
• If your child is breathing but not responsive — he’s unconscious after the fall or you’re unable to wake him up after he goes to sleep, for example.

Take your child to the emergency room or talk to his doctor immediately if you notice any of the following:

• Signs of a broken bone, including an obvious deformity, like a wrist that’s bent awkwardly, or an arm or a leg that seems out of alignment
• Signs of a possible skull fracture: A soft, swollen area on the scalp, especially on the side of the head (above or behind the ear); blood showing in the whites of his eyes; or pinkish fluid or blood draining from his nose or ears
• Signs of a concussion, such as persistent vomiting or excessive sleepiness. Depending on your child’s age, look for a change in how he crawls or walks; headache or dizziness; weakness or confusion; or problems with speech, vision, or motor skills
• Signs of a possible brain injury, such as changes in pupil size and unusual eye movements
• Prolonged crying or screaming, which could indicate a possible internal injury such as abdominal bleeding

Answer 2 (score 3)

Usually babies as more resistant to all kind of injuries as their bones are more flexible and less fragile than the adult ones. Also they regenerate faster as they are still developing and have a really young tissues.

But it’s still better to go to doctor. You’ll lose couple of hours but will be sure that everything is fine

Question

My 11-month old daughter has, in the past week, become extremely fussy and at some meal times is refusing to eat.

For breakfast, we usually give her weetbix/rice cereal with milk (warmed in the microwave) and she seems to enjoy it.

For lunch and dinner we have been offering her various things:

• Pureed vegatables/lentils
• Mince meat with vegetables/potato
• Finger food (cauliflower, broccoli, etc.)

Most of the time she doesn’t want to even open her mouth for the pureed/mince food, so it’s not like she’s tried and and doesn’t like it (it’s very tasty anyway, at least to our palate).

With finger food she often puts a piece in her mouth and bites a bit off, but eventually she will just throw it on the floor and the dog will eat it.

The only foods she seems to enjoy at dinner time are:

• Pieces of cheese
• Yoghurt

But obviously we can’t keep feeding her this all the time.

She is still breast-fed 3 times per day (and seems to eat a lot of milk this way), but always after the solids so I don’t think it’s an issue with her being full. Sometimes she just says “mama” while we’re feeding her solids, reaching for my wife indicating that she wants a breast-feed.

She doesn’t seem to be showing any signs of pain (e.g. from teething), as far as we can see. She already has 6 teeth.

We’re becoming worried about her – hopefully it’s just a phase, but any recommendations?

Answer accepted (score 12)

Don’t worry, children will not starve! Unless other wise directed by your doctor due to a medical condition, don’t fight over food. If she doesn’t want to eat she won’t. I do not recommend giving her just what she wants, this may take on a life of its own and make you into a short order cook. Unless you know for certain your child doesn’t like what you are serving to the rest of the family that is what is for dinner, if she chooses not to eat it she will be hungry, a natural consequence. Be very careful not to give her extra snacks after she does this, only serve snacks at snack time, as she needs the natural consequence to learn. As well, you may want to start on more interesting foods. If she has 6 teeth she can eat all kinds of things other than pureed food. She may be revolting because she isn’t getting the food you are eating. As well, she is learning alot every day and may have alot on her mind and therefore is not interested in food (doesn’t that happen to us all?).

All in all, don’t make food a battle, trust her body and trust her. As I said, she will not allow herself to starve, and if you start battling around food you are setting a bad trend which may last long into her toddler years, effecting her relationship with food in general.

Answer 2 (score 5)

I think Marie Hendrix’s answer to this question will offer you a lot of useful suggestions. I have had a lot of luck getting my son to eat foods by following her advice and making eating more fun for him.

One trick that works more often than not is to take turns sharing the food. If my son isn’t eating something, I’ll take some from his plate, and make a big show of looking at it, sniffing it, putting it in my mouth and chewing it, and then smiling at him while making exaggerated “yummy” noises. I’ll then offer him a piece of the same food, being sure to smile the whole time.

Another game is to bring the food close to his mouth, and then veer it away from him at the last minute a couple of times. Sometimes this will convince him that he really does want to eat it.

He also very much enjoys putting food into my mouth, although he sometimes gets too focused on giving me the food and doesn’t want to stop to eat it himself. Other times we get into a good rhythm of alternating between us.

I believe my son was a bit older than your daughter, but another trick that worked well was to introduce him to the idea of “dipping”. For us it was chips and salsa, and he picked it up immediately. Now he loves to dip a chip (or just about anything else… for a while it was bananas and salsa) into salsa or marinara sauce, although he has a tendency to suck the sauce off the chip and just keep using the same chip to eat the salsa. Fortunately, salsa is actually a pretty good food, particularly if fresh.

I agree with Morah about making sure to not turn it into a battle. The key to success is to make eating a fun experience.

Answer 3 (score 3)

I remember being sick worried thinking why my lo wasn’t eating at that age, but that was just a phase. We used to think he was the only child who doesn’t like to eat, but after talking to friends and reading online, I found out many babies go through the same stage at that age.

Other things I tried at the time and they worked were, change the timings of eating a little bit. I found out that my lo wasn’t hungry at the times I was feeding him. Feeding him a little later helped. Don’t force feed though.

Offer variety of food. I found that he loved this spinach cheese pasta and these healthy muffins. Let her self feed.

Question

I would like to send my son to learn martial arts as soon as possible as I believe this would help him gain confidence in his early stages of life (it worked for me when I was an adult)

At what age should I send him? I suppose this question could apply to any sport though
Are some martial arts more appropriate than others for kids or is it just a matter of preference?

Answer accepted (score 40)

The appropriate age depends a great deal on the specific style/art in question, the type of dojo, and the particular child. Most Karate dojos I know take kids starting around age 4-6. Most Krav Maga dojos I know won’t take anyone under 14-16; some won’t take minors at all. My friend’s Brazilian Jui-Jitsu dojo only takes kids from age 10, but I’m told that most are willing to start younger than that.

Assuming an appropriate level of kid-friendliness in the selected dojo, a child is generally ready for martial arts study when he or she:

• can tell left from right.
• has developed empathy (meaning specifically that the child groks that others have feelings, and that their behavior can effect others’ well-being).
• has developed age-appropriate manners (will wait his/her turn to speak, will listen quietly to an instructor, etc.)
• has the attention span to give 100% for the length of a class period (typically 30 minutes for small children, to 60 minutes for older children and adults).
• will (probably with some prompting from parents) reliably practice at least every other day (every day for older children).
• can take polite criticism in stride, i.e. think “here’s how I can do this better” instead of “I’m awful and everyone hates me, waaaahhh!”

What art/style you choose for your child is not nearly as important as what dojo and Sensei you choose. Some dojos just aren’t set up to teach children well. Others are good with older kids, but lack the special awsomesauce that reaches young students.

Here are some traits that make a dojo great for children under 10:

• Offers “family” classes where parents and children of varying ages may train together.

• Has plenty of incremental rewards. Small children can’t just look at the change in their body mechanics and know they’ve made progress – they need to be told. While a dojo that uses no displays of ranks, or a simple white/black belt system can be wonderful for adults and mature teens, that is an inadequate level of reinforcement for primary school children.

  A program well-suited to the youngest students uses patches, colored belts, achievement stripes, a wall chart, a log book, or some other concrete indication to your child when progress has been made. For very young children, there should be some indication of achievement that they can earn at least every 1-2 weeks. This way they know when they have accomplished something, and they internalize that things like focus and practice are good strategies.

• The sensei uses real (and not-so-real) world examples kids can relate to. “We use four fingers in a split-finger eye strike in case we miss slightly, or in the event of attack by a four-eyed monster!”

• The sensei is patient and pays attention to the individual children.

• The sensei teaches not only martial arts skills, but appropriate lessons on when they should or shouldn’t be used.

• The sensei incorporates games into classes that include small children. Karate dodge ball, jump the noodle, kickpad leapfrog, and so on make learning fun (and give kids a chance to watch the grown-ups in the class look ridiculous).

• The sensei groups students primarily by rank/progress, so that everyone is challenged at their own level. (This isn’t to say that there are no “adults only” classes, but that a 7th kyu student doesn’t experience slowed progress due to being grouped predominantly with 9th kyu age peers.)

• The dojo community shares values that mesh well with your family’s values.

This, of course, is all in addition to the things that make a good dojo in general.

Answer 2 (score 13)

Taekwondo assistant instructor here. I started studying it when I was 13. I prefer not to teach children under the age of 5 or 6 because most are not ready for it. Unless you have a very coordinated child with exceptional attention span and patience, it’s just going to be an exercise in frustration for everyone. You have to know your child, however, and there are some 7- and 8-year-olds who have no business in a martial arts classroom because they just don’t have the focus to participate in the class.

There are classes at a lot of larger park districts called things like “Tot Kwon Do” or toddler martial arts. I’ve taught graduates of these programs and often find them ready to start formal Taekwondo at 5 or 6. The difference between the tot programs and what we teach is that the tot programs are designed for younger kids–simpler, shorter, less about rigorous training and more about getting to know the body and how it works. Many contain techniques or talks about “stranger danger.” It’s a bit of a misnomer to call them martial arts in a way, but they can be very useful for kids who want to get into martial arts/self defense but are a bit too little to get much out of a formal class.

Bear in mind that children learn martial arts differently than adults. The vast majority of kids do not have the skills to understand the underlying physics of martial arts. Most don’t even know the parts of the body all that well, and most kids are shaky on right and left well into pre-teen mode. I started studying at 13 and did well–for a kid. When I got back into it after college in my twenties, I realized just how little I really knew. It’s the difference between rote learning and true understanding.

I get a lot of parents who, after 4 weeks of study, are really concerned that little Johnny hasn’t “mastered” the front-snap kick. I get a lot of kids and parents who don’t understand that martial arts training is cumulative, that you don’t learn one thing and then move on to the next, so you forget the first thing you learned–like Western education. Given that you have some martial arts experience, you might already know this. But do try to keep good expectations–martial arts are GREAT for teaching kids confidence, coordination, balance, discipline, focus, self-control, respect for themselves and others. I’ve seen kids go from being complete train wrecks of coordination with no patience for themselves or anyone else to beautiful martial artists. But typically that’s because the parents didn’t push for them to have an adult understanding of what they were doing; they accept their kids at the developmental level they are at.

That said, I am enthusiastically a proponent of teaching martial arts to kids who are ready for it. Kids who have some semblance of an attention span and can last the hour or 1.5 hours the class lasts. Kids who have either good coordination or the patience and drive to learn to have good coordination. Kids who have some idea how to act in a classroom and can stay quiet when I’m teaching so they don’t distract the other kids. Kids who can work well with a partner, practicing strikes and kicks without actually touching/hurting the other kid.

I think the best thing to do to pick a school is to keep an open mind and not stay too attached to one school or discipline. There are many martial arts out there, and there’s no one art that is right for everyone. Some kids may love the complexity of Aikido or Hapkido and the idea of turning someone’s force against them. Some kids may love the big movements and vigorous exercise of Taekwondo or Karate. Some kids may love to get thrown all over the place and prefer Judo. Some kids may not have much love of bare-handed fighting, but put a sword in their hands (Kendo, Koryo Gumdo, etc.) and they’re like poetry. If your kid isn’t taking to one martial art, try another.

If he doesn’t work well with one instructor, find another school of the same art and try another teacher. A mature instructor will realize that s/he is not going to be all things to all people. A mature parent of a child in martial arts will realize the same.

Answer 3 (score 9)

Most martial arts schools don’t take kids until they are 4 or 5, depending on the class and the school. I started my son about the time he turned 5, he’s been doing it about a year and hasn’t gotten fully into it yet but we have noticed an improvement in his balance. I also attend the same school, and did for a year before I signed him up, I believe its important to check out the community in the school. Many martial arts schools tend to also have a parents community to help out for public events, getting to know some of them is important as it will reflect on the other students in the school.

One additional item I want to note, in the younger classes in our school the older kids (mostly teens with brown or black ranking) teach younger kids. Many times the young kids respond better as its someone closer to them teaching rather than an adult. It also gives older kids some practice in coaching and teaching, as well as giving back to the school, which is an important part of a community.

Question

We have always had trouble with our little boy not sleeping through the night. He will do it in spells (every night for a week, then not at all for a fortnight). But he has recently developed a frustrating habit.

Having fallen asleep by 9 O’clock, he wakes again distressed at around midnight. When I come in to him, he is wide awake and asking to go downstairs to play. I usually try gently explaining that it is night-time and that he needs to go back to sleep. He is a clever boy, and I know he understands this, but the moment he is put back into bed he screams angrily and will not settle. It takes up to 4 hours for him to tire out enough to fall back asleep.

I’ve tried leaving him to cry, visiting intermittently. This technique is ineffective, since he tends to be more angry and upset each time I leave him. The other night I tried this for four hours- he was in an awful state by the end.

I’ve tried sitting/lying in his room with him. This stops him crying but he is still wide-awake and keeps sitting up and talking.

We’re at the end of our tether at the moment. Can anyone suggest what would be a good way to get him to sleep through the night consistently.

UPDATE: It’s now 3 months on and his sleep is a lot better. Two things that made the difference for us: (1) A new “big-boy” duvet, instead of blankets/growbag (2) A toddler sleep-training clock, so he knows when he’s supposed to get up.

Answer accepted (score 21)

I’ve been there before. My son was over a year old before he started sleeping through the night. Here are my suggestions:

• Put him to bed earlier - like 7pm. It sounds counterintuitive, but sleep quality goes down when you’re overtired, leaving you prone to waking more (and the same is true for children). As the saying goes “sleep begets sleep.”
• Do not stop his nap if he’s down to one. If he’s still at two, try consolidating. Children his age still need a mid-day nap, and the nap should be at least an hour (some children can do well on 45 minutes, but generally speaking, an hour is needed to get a ful cycle). Again, sleep begets sleep.
• Make sure he’s eating enough. It’s hard to sleep when you’re hungry. We generally give our son a granola bar shortly before bed, and of course, make sure he’s eating enough throughout the day.
• Keep a cup of water in his room. I know the air in my house tends to be dry, so our son has a sippy cup with water in it for when he’s thirsty. He gets up, drinks some, and goes back to bed.
• Make sure his room is comfortable. If he uses a blanket, make sure his pajamas aren’t too warm. If his room has a ceiling fan, turn it on to keep the air circulating. If the air is too dry, put in a humidifier.
• Get him a new mattress. This one will depend entirely on your child, and of course make sure to still keep the sleep environment safe, but I found that my son slept a lot better when we switched him to a twin mattress (his bed is now just a mattress on the floor) from his old infant/toddler mattress. He simply couldn’t sleep on a mattress as firm as the infant mattress. Switching to a softer mattress worked wonders for us.
• Follow his circadian rhythm. We all have our own sleep schedules, but they generally follow a particular pattern. For young children, it’s easiest to start with “the 5 hour rule.” That is, awake for 5 hours, then sleep. So, if your son gets up at 7am, put him down for a nap at noon. Assuming he takes a 2 hour nap, then put him to bed at 7pm. The key is to find his natural patterns and make a schedule out of it, putting him to bed during those key “windows” when getting him to sleep and keeping him that way will be easiest.
• Pick a “sleep training” method and stick to it. It doesn’t have to be exactly the “leave them and don’t return until morning” or the “Ferber method”, just as long as you’re consistent about it. We’re at the point now that, for the most part, we can lay him down and walk out of the room. For the nights that aren’t that easy, we make sure his needs are taken care of (food, water, dry diaper, etc), and if he’s doing it just to be stubborn/defiant, we let him have his tantrum. When it sounds like he’s starting to settle down, we go in and lay him back down and tuck him in. One of the first things I did, too, was sit by his bed and not allow him to climb out (I don’t like locking a small child in their room if I don’t have to). For my son, at least, it sends the same message - it’s time for bed, and no amount of fighting is going to change that, but does so without locking him in his room alone (which, I think, helps convey that I’m not abandoning or neglecting him, but that I’m enforcing a rule). It took a good half hour, but I only needed to do it once to get him to stop fighting bedtime all of the time.
• Encourage him to choose to go to bed. Bed time shouldn’t be a negative thing, if you can help it. Make sure he knows that it’s okay to ask to go to bed early. For our son, it helps to make him feel like a “big boy” if he does such things, and explain things like “big boys know when they need to go to bed early” (telling him about what big boys do is a great motivator for our son).
• Have a pre-bedtime routine. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, just consistent. For us, it’s my husband starting a sort of “countdown,” starting about 6:30. He’ll tell our son things like, “it’s almost time for bed,” and “you have 5 minutes left before bed.” If our son hasn’t had a snack recently, then we’ll get out a granola bar or some yogurt and give it to him. After he’s done, hubby has him say good night to me and walks him back to his room, where he changes him and puts him to bed.
• Do you have music or white noise of some sort playing in his room? If not, that might be worth trying. If his life is busy and noisy during the day, it might be too quite for him to be comfortable. Some soft music or some other white noise might help (conversely, if you do have music going, it might be the cause, so it might be worth tring a few nights without).
• Have his two-year molars come in yet? If not, that might be one of the things waking him and keeping him awake. It might not seem like it during the day, but he’s likely too distracted to notice or care about the pain, but once night comes and the distractions are gone, there’s nothing left but that pain.
• Talk to his pediatrician. You mention that he wakes distressed. It’s possible that he’s having night terrors, or may be waking up, disoriented, from a sleepwalking episode. While some of both are fairly common at his age, the frequency may be a sign of an underlying medical condition. Your child’s doctor would be able to help you determine if this is the case and refer you to a pediatric sleep specialist if necessary.
• Try to also teach him sign language, especially if he’s not actually talking, or his vocabulary is still limited. Being pre-verbal is particularly frustrating, because toddlers are really smart, but they can’t communicate things in a way people understand. Knowing some signs can make life a lot easier on both of you, because then he can communicate what he needs/wants during the night wakings (and no, it won’t hinder his verbal skills).

Answer 2 (score 2)

We’ve put three-sided cribs next to our already huge bed to make it basically a wall-to-wall bed and have our toddler sleep on one side and the baby on the other.

The basic advantage of this setup is that toddler (3.5 years old) or baby (1.5) waking up in the middle of the night is (98% of the time) minimally disruptive on anyones sleep. Sure we wake up a little bit, but nobody ever has to get out of bed or really get awake.

Everyone is there and feeling safe. When they wake up they’re rarely entirely conscious before they hear we’re there and doze back to sleep. If they wake up entirely it’s easy to see and explain that it’s night and still time to sleep (and come cuddle/nurse depending on which one wakes).

Answer 3 (score 1)

My first thought is that there are plenty of related questions with some useful answers on this site already. I’ve posted a few of them below.

I think you can approach this problem with several practices at once. Each one of these steps can be adjusted to what works best for your son:

1. Make sure that your son is really, really tired. This will improve the chances that he will sleep longer in the first place. Stop or shorten the nap time during the day. Do stuff outdoors, and/or with other kids and/or adults.
2. Have a solid bedtime routine that does not change. This will help him understand that he’s really meant to dial back now and relax. Make this routine longer if he’s too excited to begin with. Include some more time-consuming elements like a bath or some book-reading if the routine is too short.

3. When he does wake up at night, be very, very consistent in how you deal with it. Put him back to bed and give him a cuddle, then say you’ll be right back. Then leave the room for 30 seconds and return. Slowly increase the length of your absence every time: 1min, 2min, 3min, 5min, 7min, 10min…

   • Note that this isn’t something I’d generally advise to be used in the middle of the night; it’s more often used at regular bedtime. But your case seems a bit worse than average so it might be a good way forward.
4. Ensure that his bedroom is how he likes it. Too dark? Put up a small night light. Too bright? Hang better curtains. Too quiet? Add some white-noise generator. Too loud? Reduce noises (appliances?) if you can. Health issues? Check for allergies, draft air, and such things.

Team up with your spouse. Let one of you do every step in a night, to stay consistent. Only swap if your nerves get frayed. Let the other parent start the next night.

Here are a few related questions. Nevermind the actual question headlines but look through them and pick the bits that might work for you. Some might address infants, but the tricks work just as well for toddlers.

• How can I get my 12-month baby to sleep in her bed?
• Are there techniques for sleep training that actually teach a child how to sleep?
• How to calm a toddler before bedtime?
• Are there techniques for sleep training that actually teach a child how to sleep?
• What are some do's and dont's for an effective bedtime ritual?
• How do I get my 6-month-old to sleep better at night?
• How do we get an eight month old back to sleeping in his crib?

Try to remain calm, and be consistent. Don’t give up, and don’t give in. This will show him that you are confident and in charge. He is not in control of you.

Good luck!

Question

Background: Most insurance coverage in the US has separate policies and payroll withholding for health, dental, and vision insurance plans. One can typically decide who’s covered independently for these plans (or pick and choose these plans from one spouse’s employer to the other’s). Coverage is usually either employee, employee+spouse, or employee+family (spouse and children).

One can also typically change these things after a life event (birth of a child, marriage, etc.) or annually during the enrollment period.

Question: My wife and I had a daughter last month. We’re obviously enrolling her on our health plan immediately. She doesn’t yet have teeth and is too young for any vision correction (or even to know whether she’ll need any), so it doesn’t seem to make sense to include her on the dental or vision plans yet. At what point would it typically make sense to do so? Is there any compelling reason why she should be included on the plans now? We’d just be paying the higher family withholding without being able to take advantage of any of the services, right?

Answer accepted (score 7)

Basically, enroll them slightly before their services are needed.

You’re right: There’s no reason for her to have dental/vision coverage now when there’s no way for it to be used.

However, some plans have “vesting” times, where the individual must be covered for a particular length of time before being eligible for coverage by some portions of the plan. (e.g. Must be covered for 2 years before eligible to have braces or dental surgery covered.) Find out what these are, decide what your children are likely to need and enroll appropriately.

As HedgeMage so wisely noted: What is “medically needed” and what is “needed to do X” may be 2 different things. Some schools or organizations that you’d like to enroll your child into may require tests or screenings beyond common guidelines.

Finally, be mindful of those enrollment windows and don’t miss them. If you or your wife are at all forgetful in any way, the peace of mind might be worth the incremental cost. I have a memory like a sieve – getting it all in at once, even if the services were of no use at the time, would be better for me than forgetting to enroll them and have to pay out of pocket for services for a year (or possibly more, if anything other than routine visits were required and not covered).

Addendum: If you have access to a Flexible Spending Account (FSA) at your workplace, enroll if you haven’t already. You’ll be going to the doctors quite a few times for the first few years for both well-baby and sick-baby vists, and if you have co-pays on visits and prescriptions, they can be quite a chunk of change.

Answer 2 (score 4)

It depends. Normally, you wouldn’t need to take a young child to the dentist until they are at least 3 or 4, unless there are higher than normal risk factors for dental health. However, my son managed to chip a tooth at 13 mo. so we had to take him into a dentist to get his tooth filed, and had to pay for it out of pocket because we didn’t have coverage for him yet.

So weigh the risk of having out of pocket expenses against the cost of unnecessary coverage.

Answer 3 (score 3)

I asked my dentist, he said bring them in at 4 for a ride in the dentist chair and a quick fake checkup - it makes it fun. Then follow his/her advice for the next appointment.

Question

My 3 month old went from starting on a good sleep trajectory (a five hour and 3 hour stretch at 8 weeks regularly) to waking between every 15 minutes and every 2 hours. What I’m trying to figure out is what causes the frequent night wakings. She was fighting her arms out of her swaddle and getting the fabric over her face in the process, so for her safety we taught her to sleep without it. Plus she started sleep crying for gas pain or some other cause in the very early morning nearly every morning that we rushed to comfort. With all that her sleep habits deteriorated. They have been getting worse and worse since 9 weeks and at 14 weeks I am at my wits end with the double digit number of night wakings. Reading that some people consider 4 bad was hardly comforting.

I’ve seen Marc Weissbluth’s theory that the frequent waking issue is from some form of overtiredness in Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. I’ve tried his solution, too, which is invariably to move bedtime earlier. Well Her bedtime has consistently been earlier than 6:30 for well over a week with no changes. I’m sure the completely fragmented sleep is making her overtired, but earlier bedtimes are doing nothing to help. Her naps are not yet organized (I’m despairing that they ever will be at this rate) and so she takes 4 to 5 30-45 minute naps - if she’ll take them - that I offer whenever she starts yawning, looking glazed-eyed, or rubbing her eyes.

This question’s accepted answer suggests hunger as one possible cause. My little girl is skyrocketing up the growth chart and eats every 1-2 hours during the day on demand. I feed her 2-3 times at night, but not at every waking. I sincerely doubt she’s hungry, but I’m open to being wrong.

Baby does have a pacifier, and popping it back in often soothes her back to sleep. Would trying to wean her off of it at this early age perhaps help her learn to self-soothe, or would it just make sleep worse? I am totally fine if she wants to suck on her fingers or thumb and get us all a little sleep, but so far every time she finds her thumb it does nothing to help her go back to sleep. She’s not really coordinated enough to keep it in her mouth.

Could it be the 4 month sleep regression come to call early? An early start of Wonder Week 19? Is there any solution other than to soldier through? Is there an age-appropriate form of sleep training worth trying?

Answer accepted (score 4)

Is there an age-appropriate form of sleep training worth trying?

Reading your question, the first thing that came to my mind was that it might help to introduce a stricter rhythm to the day - in the hope that it might help your nights as well:

You mention that she feeds every 1-2 hours on demand. You might want to try switching from demand to supply. It worked wonders on our then-infant when we introduced a rather fixed 3-hour schedule of sleep→eat→awake *)

The baby was a lot happier when awake, and the sleep phases (day and night) got better - some of those 3-hour cycles just merged into one 6-hour cycle at night.

Update:

You normally can’t postpone the baby just because the schedule says so. But flip it around: if the schedule says it’s feeding time, then offer it and it will very likely be accepted. When it’s sleeping time, go through your sleep ritual and perhaps she will accept the bedtime as well (otherwise you’ve at least trained it, and repetition brings success eventually). If her rhythm is set on 45 minutes then start your schedule on that rhythm, and add some minutes every day until the rhythm is longer.

_{*) Or was it sleep→eat→awake? I tried searching for older answers but didn’t find an obvious hit. I’m told this is the better sequence, but go with whatever floats your boat.}

Answer 2 (score 4)

Is there an age-appropriate form of sleep training worth trying?

Reading your question, the first thing that came to my mind was that it might help to introduce a stricter rhythm to the day - in the hope that it might help your nights as well:

You mention that she feeds every 1-2 hours on demand. You might want to try switching from demand to supply. It worked wonders on our then-infant when we introduced a rather fixed 3-hour schedule of sleep→eat→awake *)

The baby was a lot happier when awake, and the sleep phases (day and night) got better - some of those 3-hour cycles just merged into one 6-hour cycle at night.

Update:

You normally can’t postpone the baby just because the schedule says so. But flip it around: if the schedule says it’s feeding time, then offer it and it will very likely be accepted. When it’s sleeping time, go through your sleep ritual and perhaps she will accept the bedtime as well (otherwise you’ve at least trained it, and repetition brings success eventually). If her rhythm is set on 45 minutes then start your schedule on that rhythm, and add some minutes every day until the rhythm is longer.

_{*) Or was it sleep→eat→awake? I tried searching for older answers but didn’t find an obvious hit. I’m told this is the better sequence, but go with whatever floats your boat.}

Answer 3 (score 3)

Is it possible that you gave up swaddling too early? Or, that you jumped from full swaddling to no swaddling too quickly? We swaddled both our kids to about 5 months. I recall it being difficult to keep their arms from getting loose as they grew older—it required a large cloth and very snug folds. Also, have you tried swaddling one arm and body or just the lower body?

Question

My son is 18 months old and still doesn’t want to chew and eat solid foods. We have to blend soups and other food into purée for him to accept it. If there is even a slight solid, he will automatically push it out of his mouth with his tongue.

I have had a breakthrough with breakfast where I don’t blend as much and leave it a little chunky. He ate it but still pushed chunks of soft banana that were bigger out.

Some of my friends have kids that are 4-5 months younger, who are eating chicken cutlets.

Any ideas or proven methods for getting a child to start eating solids?

Answer accepted (score 9)

My daughter was like this some. Once we switched her to “solid” foods, she basically subsisted on yogurt and milk for about 6 months. She finally started eating cheerios and other crunchy foods as well as peas–because they’re soft.

Like Karl Bielefeldt pointed out, learning to control your tongue is a skill that has to be practiced. Having said that, sometimes kids just have texture issues. With these kids, it can take introducing a food many, many, many times before they warm up to it. Some kids will take to a food after a couple of introductions, with my daughter it’s more like 25 or 30 before she will reliably eat more than a bite of it.

Here are few tricks that we tried with my daughter when she was REALLY little and ate hardly anything:

1. Keep offering the solid you are attempting to get him to eat. He doesn’t HAVE to eat it, but he should be exposed to it. He may pick it up and play with it and feel it. That’s ok. He’s getting used to it–it’s a process.
2. Offer soft foods cut up in small pieces. He might be more inclined to actually put a soft bite of banana in his mouth than a crunchy cracker. Bananas, cooked peas and carrots, avocado, plain cooked macaroni, etc. And cut them smaller than you think necessary.
3. Sometimes it helped to give my daughter a spoon and let her try to feed herself. She might have only gotten a couple of bites into her mouth, but she was more likely to keep it in her mouth, chew, and swallow it.
4. Offer the new food first when he’s really, truly hungry. If you want him to try a banana but you offer it after his yogurt or whatever, he won’t be hungry and will have little motivation to try something new. Maybe while you’re prepping breakfast, sit him in his high chair and give him a few bites of the banana to look at/play with/attempt to eat while you chop up the rest of the banana to go in his breakfast.
5. Remain calm. This is sooooooo hard because it can be frustrating and nerve-wracking when your child eats a diet of about three things. But if you are anxious at mealtimes, he absolutely will pick up on that. I can tell you from experience that it will not help the situation. Keep working with him and see if he improves. With our daughter we knew she could eat other things, she just didn’t want to eat some of them. She’s 2 1/2 now and her diet isn’t amazing, but it varies more now than it did even 6 months ago, and every few months we’re able to add a few more foods and textures to her diet.
6. If you aren’t seeing some kind of improvement over the next few months (I wouldn’t give it anymore than 3 months) then you should definitely schedule an appointment with your pediatrician to determine if he needs to be assessed for any developmental issues.

Answer 2 (score 1)

Have you mentioned this to your pediatrician? If your son is pushing out solid food at his age there might be a developmental issue to combat. You can also check with a community Early Start program; they often deal with eating delays.

If your doctor has given him the all clear, drop the bottle entirely if he’s still on it; go to sippy cups (there are sippy cups with a softer top, to help with the transition (or in our case, give our 21-month-old something to shake in his teeth like a dog with a toy)). Try foods that melt quickly, like toddler puffs.

Answer 3 (score 1)

Have you mentioned this to your pediatrician? If your son is pushing out solid food at his age there might be a developmental issue to combat. You can also check with a community Early Start program; they often deal with eating delays.

If your doctor has given him the all clear, drop the bottle entirely if he’s still on it; go to sippy cups (there are sippy cups with a softer top, to help with the transition (or in our case, give our 21-month-old something to shake in his teeth like a dog with a toy)). Try foods that melt quickly, like toddler puffs.

Question

I have a 4-month old daughter.

Each time she is awake she gets some “tummy-time” where we put her on her stomach on a play-mat, to build up her neck muscles. She doesn’t like it that much and usually ends up crying after a few minutes of this.

Also, when we hold her so she is facing us, against our chest, she often jerks her head back like she doesn’t enjoy being held that way.

While we have noticed her neck support getting stronger, there’s still a small amount of wobble there and we have to support it.

At what age should we expect her to be able to support her head without any support?

Is there any other exercises other than tummy-time we can do to improve her strength?

Update

My daughter will be 5 months in about a week’s time and we have noticed a big improvement in her head control/strength over the past few weeks. I would say she has about 90% head control now. Thanks for all of your great answers!

Answer accepted (score 12)

On most developmental profiles, full head control is achieved by around five months. However, all children are different, so some develop head control sooner, some a little later. If a child doesn’t have a reasonable degree of head control by 7 months, then I would refer her for a developmental check, but your daughter sounds pretty much on track at the moment.

Babies have an innate interest in making eye - contact and for looking at faces in general, so the best activity to foster head control is to sit her on your knee, supporting her so that you are face - to - face and go for some interaction time. - This will encourage her to hold her head up to look at your face. Place one hand behind her head though, so that her head can’t flop too far back. This is a technique we use with children who have developmental disabilities, but it is equally applicable to uninjured babies too.

Answer 2 (score 7)

The fact that she jerks her head back is not necessarily a sign of dislike. It could also very well be that she just has not yet evolved enough accurate motor control for smaller and/or slower movements.

An infant’s head is incredibly heavy - to the infant. Tummy-time is fine as long as she doesn’t suffocate herself. Generally though, don’t force physical training on newborns and infants, at least not until the child shows signs of sufficient neck muscle strength.

Let their bodies do the training at the speed that nature intended: Infants learn to move their head, while lying on their backs. Then they learn to turn over on their belly. Then they learn to lift their head. All of this trains their neck muscles, until they’re finally able to control their head fully and without support.

Answer 3 (score 6)

Generally babies necks will be strong enough to support its own head at around 6 months. So you’ve got a couple to go. There are some small exercises you can do with the baby to help the neck get stronger, here’s one I liked the look of:

While the baby is on its back, sit in front of it and hold its hands. Lift the baby up gently towards you by its hands and put it back down again carefully. Do this once or twice a day and your baby's neck will begin to get stronger.

I wouldn’t do this more than once or twice a day, and if you don’t like the sound of it, your baby’s neck will be fine in another couple of months anyway :)

Hope that helps!

Question

I just told someone on parenting that a baby becomes a toddler when it starts moving around. The question which came back was “what age does a toddler stop being a toddler?”.

That got me searching, and I found at least one reference that said “Toddlers are babies from one year to four years of age”.

I’d never consider a four-year-old as a baby. Is this just me, or a geographical difference?

Answer accepted (score 28)

I don’t think there’s a universal definition.

Going by the American Academy of Pediatrics:

• Baby = 0 - 1 year (Sometimes called “Infant” in other sources)
• Toddler = 1 - 3 years (Some still consider young toddlers to be ‘babies’)
• Preschooler = 3 - 5 years
• Gradeschooler = 5 - 12 years (Sometimes called ‘school age’ in other sources)

Clothing manufacturers, on the other hand, consider toddlers from 2 - 4, which is why you see 2T - 4T clothing sizes.

I would say the real test is based on developmental milestones rather than age. A child is a toddler once they begin walking/toddling around, and ceases to be a toddler when they have met a number of milestones such as communication, toilet training, and motor skills.

Answer 2 (score 12)

• Infant: 0 - 1
• Toddler: 1 - 3
• Pre-Schooler: > 3

While it can vary to some extent based on a child’s development; the above is fairly common across the US.

Baby on the other hand is an umbrella term and has no distinct cut off point.

Answer 3 (score 8)

Neither toddler nor baby are defined strictly according to age. I would take them to be mutually exclusive, using the definition that a baby is a very young child who has not learnt to walk while a toddler is a young child who has just learnt to walk.

Question

Newborns have such floppy necks that they need support while being held. The question I have about this is, what are we trying to protect in supporting the head/neck ? My wife and I have a few possible ideas about this but aren’t sure which (if any) are accurate.

• You want to support the neck/head to prevent the head from moving in an uncontrolled way, which could damage the brain.
• Neck support could prevent the neck from being injured somehow. For example, if the neck is tilted to one side and a sudden muscle spasm pulls the head in the other direction, the baby could pull a muscle or something like that.
• Head/neck support might just be a way of stabilizing baby to make him easier to hold, and less prone to “jumping” out of one’s arms.

Or perhaps there is another reason entirely ?

Answer accepted (score 8)

The greatest danger, according to my pediatrician (’cause I was curious and asked the same question when my first was brand-new), is brain trauma, commonly known as Shaken Baby Syndrome. The neck muscles are so weak that the head bobs around, and as it bobs around the brain can slosh around inside the skull (depending obviously on the force of the bob). Also, the uncontrolled neck movements can cause whiplash and tear muscles and ligaments.

Answer 2 (score 2)

It is so vital to support the head and neck of a newborn baby. This is because if you allow the head to loll back for even a relatively short period of time, it cuts of the supply of oxygen through the trachaea so that they can suffocate. Try holding your neck backwards for as long as you can and you’ll see precisely what I mean!

Answer 3 (score 0)

I am not a doctor. I am an EMT who was in paramedic school but had to drop out to have triplets. They were born six weeks early and came home on heart rate monitors. So I have some training and experience. But I’m still not a doctor, and this just the way I understand the issue.

Newborn heads are incredibly large relative to their bodies. They do not have the musculature to support it. So it is very easy for infants to experience hyperflexion of tissues and the spine and cause brain damage. This has been asked on stackexchange before.

A newborn is unable to keep their airway open on their own even while awake. If an infant’s head is not properly supported the primary concern is that the airway will close and they will not be able to cry to tell you there is a problem. Newborn heart rates tend to decline rapidly with loss of oxygen (called “A’s & B’s” or apnea and bradycardia), and so they can go into cardiac arrest. I’ve watched this happen several times while my babies were in the NICU and it’s very scary. It’s why some parents buy breathing or motion monitors. And that’s the only way I got what little sleep I did.

Most of the airway issues are with laying them down. You want to make sure the nose is pointing up if they are on their back or that they are on their side. You may need to place something under their neck to hold it up and keep the airway open.

A seated baby’s head can roll forward and cutoff the airway. This is why preemies are sometimes tested in carseats and there are carseats specifically made for preemies. In an ambulance preemies and infants are transported lying down to prevent this.

Question

My baby has always loved bath-time, almost since he was born. He learned to splash when he was only a couple of months old and loves to play around with the water, and over the past few weeks I’ve been giving him bath toys. He could stay in there as long as you let him, happy and letting all his energy out.

He’s now 8 1/2 months, and the past few nights his behavior has changed. About 3 nights ago he suddenly started shrieking inconsolably in middle of the bath, and kept it up till he was taken out and dressed. The next night his behavior was the same, although I managed to distract him for a couple of minutes with his toys, but a bit later he went back to screaming. Tonight when we took him into the bathroom he started screaming as soon as he saw the water and kept it up all through the bath, acting terrified and miserable and not even paying attention to his bath toys.

I think the room and the water are warm enough (and not too hot), and nothing around him has changed. Why the sudden change of attitude?

Answer accepted (score 16)

Something happened. What, nobody knows except him. Probably he is now reminded of this when you give him a bath, and he starts screaming.

If you now force him to have a bath even though he is screaming, this will just keep on making it worse. For every bath you give him while he is screaming, the association between horror and bathing will be stronger.

You’ll need to reverse that process, by “amateur behavioral therapy”, ie, you will have to make bath time fun, and you will have to make him slowly get used to bath time again, making sure you keep it fun and happy at all times, and that you also take him out before he want to, so that he longs back to the bath, and remember that the next time.

I’ve gone through several spells like this with my daughter, the first one cause by her not liking the bathtub we used at my grandmas, one by her having to take a baths in the big tub at her aunties, as there was no small tub there, and one or two others of unknown origin.

Patient, calm and gradual approaches to bathing worked, starting with a patient, calm and gradual approach to the bath tub. Make sure he doesn’t scream when he sees the bath tub. Let him play in it without water. The next day you fill it with water and let him splash, but do not put him into the water. The next day he might stand in the water and splash. Then next day wash him, while he is standing. The next day he can sit and play, and soon you’ll be back to happy bath times again!

I used the same approach to get her used to using the big tub, which she originally was scared of.

Answer 2 (score 3)

8 1/2 months is close to one of the “wonder weeks”, so it’s not unlikely that something changed mentally. It’s possible the sensory feeling of the water is a problem for him; while my older son never hated baths, he was always the kid at daycare that hated playing with mud/snow/yogurt/jello with his hands, and never finger painted - he just didn’t like the ‘icky’ feeling on his hands. He might feel the same way about water; after all, being immersed in water is a lot of sensory information at once.

Showers as suggested elsewhere are a good idea, though that might be just as bad. Wash cloth baths aren’t a bad idea either, at least in the short term. This is something that probably will go away over time, so I wouldn’t worry too much about short-term fixes.

You might also try other forms of water play. My sons both really enjoy/ed playing with water in their high chair trays; just pour a cup of water in the tray and let him fool around in it, splashing and whatnot. Might be a good way to get him used to water in a positive, safe environment - and then move to a water table or something else with more water in it.

Answer 3 (score 2)

Something happened. What, nobody knows except him. Probably he is now reminded of this when you give him a bath, and he starts screaming.

This is absolutely correct. If you continue with the ‘forced’ (for lack of a better word) bathing, then it’ll wind up being miserable forevermore.

What is it? could be some kinda soreness on his li’l bum. maybe he had . . . well i dunno what you’d call it in a nice way, but let’s just call it ‘diaper juice’ . . . maybe he had diaper juice that chafed his li’l rectum or in a fat crease and the water/soap was irritating. You might check him out closely. I’m truly just grasping here, but the bottom line is that it probably had to do with something that was physically irritating, and now he want’s nothing to do with bathtime. be sure to get into all his little creases with the wipes when you’re cleaning him up, and to do a good crease-rinse before actual washing.

I would suggest that you change up bathtime completely. make it different. how do you do that? Take a shower. you with him. hold him in the shower with you, let the water splash over him, let him tongue the jets, chew on a towel, etc etc. I alwasy held with one arm with the other arm supporting so you’re holding with both arms and it’s pretty sturdy.

Then after a few minutes of that, set down the bath chair in the tub and put him in it with the water falling towards him. This works best if you have a hand-nozzle shower as you can point it wherever you want and change the stream to something soft. sure there’s no bath toys, but he’ll love being in there with either parent.

do this 3-5 times. The point is that you’re hoping he forgets and you can go back to baths.

Question

I will be travelling with two kids aged 15 and 18 in a car this upcoming month, and I would like to play some games in the car with them.

I know the game where you look for different license plates, and the alphabet game where you work your way through the alphabet by looking at road signs and such. I have heard of some other games which include something called “ghost”? where each person says one letter to try and complete a word, making sure the final letter doesn’t fall on you.

Are there any other stimulating/involve the whole car type of games?

Answer accepted (score 11)

I just found a funny one :) i am 15 myself, so i know this one will be good :)

WHO’S NEXT DOOR? If you are in a traffic queue making up stories about the people in the car nearby can be funny for a short while ie what their names are, what they do for a job, what their hobbies are, what pets they have, what their house is like etc etc. This tends to only work well if somone in the car has a good imagination / sense of humour and can make up outrageous facts.

Hope you like it =]

Answer 2 (score 6)

Your examples sound like games for younger children. At age 15+18, I’d try to challenge them on a higher intellectual level, but in a fun way.

Do you know the game 20 questions for the professor? It’s a guessing game where one thinks of a person/thing/idea and the others must ask yes/no questions to zero in on the solution, and they must do it in no more than 20 questions. Be sure the “professor” writes down his or her item to prove if no one gets it. Driver: have a couple ready so you can keep your hands on the wheel.

Similarly, there’s a game where everybody gets a post-it on their forehead, with a person’s name on it (movie character, famous person, family oddball, etc.). You know what’s on the others’ post-it but not your own, and like above, you take turns asking the others am I male kind of questions, again to zero in on the solution. Obviously using post-it’s won’t work in the car, but you can think of a solution to that - in the car!

Answer 3 (score 3)

A great game which can be played for hours is Contact:

• A word master thinks of a word and says the first letter, for example C
• If one of the players thinks of a word which starts with this letter , he asks a question about a word, for example, is this an animal if he thinks of a cat
• If second player can think of an answer which starts with the letter, he says “Contact”
• Countdown begins from 10 to 1. During the countdown the word master has to think about an animal which starts with a letter. He can say no, it is not cow (Of course, if the word he has in mind is not indeed an animal). This answer is acceptable because it is an animal starting with the defined letter.
• If by the end of countdown word master did not come up with the word, players in contact have to say the word they have in mind simultaneously. If the say the same word, word master has to give the next letter of the word.
• The game continues till players guess the word.

Question

My 2½ year old son does not want to sleep, regardless how tired he is. He will do anything and everything he can think of, just to avoid falling asleep. It usually takes 1-1½ hours (sometimes even longer) before he gives in to sheer exhaustion.

This has been going on for around two months now and is taking a serious toll on the sanity of his parents. We feel that he is committing psychological terror on us, even though we’re just collateral damage and not a deliberate target.

It does not matter at all how well we exhaust him during the day. Since he also acts this way at his noon nap we have skipped it – he ought to be devastatingly tired in the evening (and he usually is), but even then he musters all his energy at the evening bedtime to stay awake at all costs.

When he eventually does fall asleep, he sleeps just as well as he always has. He does not wake up with nightmares. He never says or otherwise indicates that he does not like the sleep itself. But he fights going to sleep as if he’s afraid he would never wake up again – this sounds like a plausible cause but he has never indicated anything in that direction.

I often joke that he’s got a hyperactivity disorder, but I don’t actually think he does. ADHD would imply an attention deficit and that isn’t the case, but the -HD part seems true enough by itself.

How can I find out why my son does not want to sleep, and how can I help him?

This situation is very nearly literally driving us insane. It is literally preventing us from doing anything at all in the evenings; neither chores nor relaxation.

Update:

1. We normally put him to bed around 19:00 and he normally wakes at 05:45 regardless how long he slept.
2. These days he doesn’t fall asleep until 21:30 or 22:00 and wakes at 05:00. Combined with the not wanting to nap during the day, it’s clear that he has a massive sleep deficit.
3. He no longer uses a pacifier. We are certain that reintroducing a pacifier for sleeping would cure these problems for now but we don’t see that as a solution because it would only postpone these problems until later.
4. After he’s been put to bed, we try to have minimal contact. If he starts fussing or crying, we will wait a while to see if he can handle it himself and if he can’t then we will go in and gently soothe him in a way that matches the situation. At the moment, he won’t be soothed though; our usual methods are ineffective.

Solution:
Thank you for all your comments. I’ve upvoted all that had helpful elements, and I’ll accept the one that matches best.
In the end, we sort of gave up because we ran out of things to try – he got the pacifier back and within a day or two, we’re back to having a well-balanced toddler who falls asleep reasonably fast. We don’t see this as a defeat, or a victory on his account. Rather, we accept that it was too early to withdraw the pacifier, at least for this little boy. He’s only getting it to fall asleep and not for anything else, and that seems to work well. He will give up the pacifier when he’s grown some more.

Answer accepted (score 14)

When our son started doing this, we took the following tack:

1. With very rare exceptions, we make sure he takes a nap. Sleep begets sleep, and a skipped nap in the middle of the day just means he’ll be more tired, cranky, and (perversely) wound up at the end of the day. Our escalating scenarios for the nap are a walk around the block in the stroller, followed by a drive on the freeway. The latter is not a preferred method, because then someone has to sit in the car with him for his nap. I should add that we do this only on weekends, when we have time. On weekday, he goes to daycare/preschool, and I think that having a room full of other children also sleeping gives him the peer pressure to sleep.
2. Have a bedtime routine, and stick to it. That is, dinner -> bathtime (very soothing) -> brushing teeth -> bathroom -> reading in bed -> sleep. It’ll take a while to establish, but once he gets the picture, then he knows what to expect. Do not turn on the TV during this process; it’s too loud, distracting, and will just get him amped up again.
3. Consider his bedroom– is it calming? Is there a lot of stray light getting in there? Can you use a white noise generator? Is the room warm, or is there a draft that could make sleeping difficult?
4. Are you reading him to sleep? I’ve found that rhythmic books, like those by Dr. Seuss, work the best. I can slowly make my words longer and deeper, and it has a very soporific effect. My wife has sat in on me reading to our son and has fallen asleep faster than he has listening to me.
5. At a certain point, shut off the light and tell him it’s time to sleep. He’ll get up, he’ll protest, he’ll run out. Each time, pick him up, put him in bed, tell him you love him and that it’s time to go to sleep. The first time we moved our son to a toddler bed, he must have gotten up 15 times. The next night, not once. If you sit in there with him, he won’t get scared.
6. There are delaying tactics, like asking for food, water, or going to the bathroom. I would only allow two or three of these requests to work; a hungry or thirsty child isn’t going to sleep, and a child who needs to pee isn’t going to sleep. But a child who constantly asks for these things needs to have eating enough and peeing before bed made into their routine.

Hope that helps. Sometimes, it takes upwards of an hour for us to get him down, but at least he’s not a cranky mess about it.

And here’s a tip we just learned: When he goes to sleep, he has a much better chance of sleeping through the night if he does not fall asleep in physical contact with us. If he falls asleep next to us, holding our hands, etc, then he wakes up at ~3am wondering where we are and roaming through the house, crying. If he falls asleep with no physical contact with us, but with an inanimate object like a toy, then the toy doesn’t leave; when that 3am period rolls around, the toy is still with him, so he sleeps better.

Answer 2 (score 2)

Set a routine and stick to it, and their body clock should adjust. Make sure the get ready for bed routine is in the same order each night too. For example, bath, put pjs on, wash face, then brush teeth.

Try the Gro clock which works great in my experience. This is the Gro clock here: http://www.babymonitorsonline.co.uk/baby-nursery-accessories/gro-clock-sleep-trainer.html you can set it to two different wake up times which is handy for weekend and weekday wake up times.

Answer 3 (score 1)

A couple of suggestions:

For starters, perhaps you’re putting him to bed too early? We start our son’s (19 months) bed time routine around 20:00, and he generally falls asleep around 20:30-21:00. He also wakes at around 5:45-6:00. While he does take one nap a day (usually 1-2 hours), he is a year younger than your son, so I think it is possible that that should be plenty of sleep for your son even without the nap.

I know you are familiar with our “do’s and don’ts for an effective bedtime ritual”, but it is worth reviewing.

Perhaps a strategy of gradually making the evening less and less interesting might help. Establish rules that increasingly restrict sources of entertainment as you near his bed time.
For example:

• 2 hours before designated bed time, he has to stay in his room (except for bathroom breaks). You can stay in the room with him to play with him and keep him entertained, but he should not be allowed to play in other rooms. It may be helpful to coincide this with changing to pajamas, to help reinforce that “now we are getting ready for bedtime”.
• 1 hour before designated bed time, no toys are allowed. Only books, which you read with him.
• 15 minutes before designated bed time (or however long is required) is reserved for hygiene (last minute bathroom trips, tooth brushing, etc.). Remind him that this is his last chance for a drink before bed time.
• Once you hit bed time, stop all interactions with your son aside from reinforcing that it is sleep time. Stay in the room with him until he falls asleep, both to enforce the rules, and to show that he’s not really missing anything fun.

The idea is that you are gradually making being awake less and less attractive, rather than getting into a conflict of wills by trying to force him to sleep when he doesn’t want to. There are plenty of situations where you can (and should) say “you have to do what I say”. Unfortunately, sleeping is not something you can enforce (you can’t make him fall asleep), and your son likely has figured this out. You need to stick with rules that you can enforce. By removing everything that might make staying awake attractive, you may help remove his resistance to sleep without engaging in a power struggle.

Question

I’ve seen some parents blowing on their baby’s face when crying. The baby suddenly stops crying but he looked very surprised. I wonder if this could harm the baby in some way.

Answer accepted (score 17)

Blowing on the face is a common trick. It triggers a reflex to hold the breath for a short moment. That stops the crying, and can also be used when washing the child’s face etc.

I am not aware of any consequences of this, neither positive nor negative.

Answer 2 (score 10)

If you are blowing softly, it could hardly harm the child. Anything under x knots should be fine, where x is a reasonable value determined by humourless scientists.

Answer 3 (score 4)

From some googling around, yes, it is safe [1] [2]. BUT there is a caveat.

Whenever you blow air (either through the mouth or the nose), some particles from these cavities are carried by the exiting air.

Always some flakes of dry nose secretion are expelled when you breathe through the nose, more if you breathe heavily or sneezes. (that is why some jurisdictions require cooks to wear surgical masks covering both nose and mouth).

Always some saliva droplets are expelled when you blow air through the mouth.

So when you blow air at the baby’s face, you will always have some saliva being sprayed on the child. And this saliva will carry samples of whatever is in your mouth microflora, bacteria or food particles. (that should be avoided, but is not all bad - because having contact with the bacteria will stimulate the baby’s immune system; just make sure baby is healthy and well-fed AND parent is not currently diseased).

Drying your mouth before that will reducetthe amount of droplets, but your saliva glands will produce more instantly because the dry mouth triggers the gland’s activity.

Taking REALLY good care of you oral hygiene is paramount for the child’s safety and health. That applies to kissing too. Also its a very nice habit for the child to acquire by example. Let the baby see that you are brushing your teeth (and enjoying doing that). - And keep the dental hygiene stuff away from his reach.

Do not do this if parent is currently under a respiratory or airborne/saliva carried disease. Absolutely no infecting babies for the sake of making them stop crying.

Question

My 2yo son slept in a sleeping bag (see image below) until around 1½ years old, then he didn’t like that anymore so we switched to using a blanket. He moves around so much while sleeping that the blanket usually isn’t covering him at all. This hasn’t been a problem so far during summer, but now the cold season is coming and we think he’ll get too cold at night. He’s already rather cold in the mornings – with cold hands and cold feet – so the current mode of operation won’t do.

We’re not tucking him in “English style” with the blanket going under the mattress, but average “European style” where it’s just draped over him. He’s very active and dislikes being restrained, so “English style” is not an option.

I’ve learned to stay underneath my blanket during sleep, but I have no recollection how I learned it – can we somehow “teach” him, or does it only come naturally with age? How can we keep him under the blanket?

What we’re already trying:

• We are re-covering him several times during the evening until we go to bed ourselves, and sometimes again during the night if we’re up for any reason.

• We are dressing him in warmer pajamas and socks to keep him from getting cold at night, but we can’t comfortably dress him warm enough in winter. If we dress him warmly (so that he wouldn’t become too cold without the blanket) then the blanket makes him too warm and he wakes in a sweat, so we avoid that.

• We are trying to find a sleeping bag that fits his current size (92cm) but seem to be rare in these sizes; apparently they’re only popular for infants but not so for toddlers. Even if we find one, there’s a risk that he’ll reject it, just like he ended up doing half a year ago.

Answer accepted (score 25)

Until she was 5, my daughter would sleep on top of her blanket with her pillow on her feet. She knew about sleeping under the blankets (having seen us doing it), but just wasn’t interested.

Dress them warmly and let them figure it out on their own.

Answer 2 (score 8)

The cold will likely teach him quickly. If there’s no negative to wriggling, what will stop him? I’d consider dressing him less warmly and seeing if that helps. Maybe he’s too warm at night with warm pajamas and a blanket.

That said, obviously don’t freeze him; start slightly less warmly and work your way down.

Answer 3 (score 3)

When my little one was kicking off her blanket I sewed a strip of velcro to the blanket and the sheet. It keeps her from accidentally kicking it off, but is easy enough to get off when she needs to. Its a little extra work, and might ruin the sheet/blanket for other people, but it might be worth a try :)

Question

A little background- my daughter has never had a boyfriend/girlfriend or relationship and is in 8th grade. She has always been young for her age and had a tough time identifying with other girls and kids at her school (we had issues of bullying- mostly to her being shy) in which we switched her schools in 3rd grade. She was always the sweet, shy one, and so paranoid of her acne, which she has had from a young age. Well, she has blossomed now into a gorgeous, tall bombshell (I hate to say it) but since she joined Performing Arts, and gotten lead roles, it has really boosted her self esteem.

Anyhow, my daughter has finally found her “soul mate” friends (she says) that really understand her and has been texting them (2 in particular) at all hours. One is 14 and the other is 17, both girls. I am very close with my daughter and started seeing something “more” going with her feelings wise for the 17 year old who played her opposite as the lead in the past play, where they also shared a kissing scene, multiple times. I asked her one night outright if she liked the 17 year old and she teared up and asked how I knew. I told her I was her mama and that I just knew and that I would love her unconditionally. She said she still liked both guys and girls, but she definitely liked the 17 year old and she couldn’t help her feelings. I hugged her and that is how she came out to me.

Fast forward two weeks- we’ve told dad which was hard but he is supportive (ish) it’s still new. We had to tell her that there is absolutely no way she can have sleepovers with the 13 year old and 17 old (which they were planning). We’ve never fought with her in our life (she has always been so easy until now!)

She told me that her and the 17yo were “seeing each other” and that the 17yo has an “open” relationship with a boy as well, which means they can see other people. Well, I met with the 17yo, (who insisted they were friends) explained they were not allowed to see each other anymore, and thank goodness the 17yo obliged. I don’t think she realized the level of the relationship my daughter was thinking. We also told her we were pulling her out of the class she is teaching for Performing Arts that our daughter just started.

My husband and I explained the situation to my daughter and she is devastated and angry. Well, that’s an understatement. She is embarrassed for having more feelings for someone than they had for her (and someone much older), having her other friends find out about this crush, and furious at us– especially since she confided in us her feelings. We always told her she could tell us anything, and now she says she trusted us and we took away her best friend in life.

We tried to explain that it was an age thing, that if the 17yo was a boy, we would have done the SAME thing. We explained we did it to protect her, we explained how 13yo and 17yo have different emotions and all the rest, but of course she didn’t want to hear it. Anyhow, my heart as a mom hurts so much right now. She just lays in her room in the dark not talking to anyone. We have always been so close. I know it is not my job to be her friend right now, but to be her mom, but any advice would be appreciated.

Answer accepted (score 93)

The way these events unfolded is an unfortunate one, and I feel rather sorry for your current predicament as a family.

By forbidding your daughter from seeing her 17-year-old friend, it seems to me that you possibly accomplished several things:

• You showed your daughter that you fundamentally don’t trust her judgment about herself and her own feelings

• You and/or your husband may have made her feel that despite your joint assurances regarding her possible homosexual orientation, you’re unable to accept her as she is

• You destroyed a friendship with this girl that your daughter highly valued

• That same action also meant destroying your daughter’s involvement in a Performing Arts class that she greatly enjoyed, and which had contributed substantially to her improved self-confidence.

• You crystallized an asymmetrical definition of your daughter’s relationship with her friend that might (or might not) have evolved into one on more equal terms. You also defined it as a fundamentally sexual relationship when its most important feature may have been the sense of friendship and guidance your daughter was getting from a somewhat more worldly-wise teenager who, from your description, was not actually intent on maliciously exploiting your daughter’s inexperience. (I think your daughter would probably have been capable of dealing with the issue of her 17-year-old friend’s boyfriend on her own; or if not, I think it would have been better for you to let her come to you for advice rather than intervening the way you did)

• Because you have, until now, evidently had an open and affectionate relationship with your daughter, this sudden drastic interference on your part may have considerably shaken your daughter’s confidence in your and your husband’s perception of what is good for her, at least for the time being.

• You closed off an avenue for your daughter’s exploration of her identity that was based on her own sense of her evolving personality rather than on parentally-imposed norms. (I think that by the age of 13, most children are ready to start gradually drawing away from their parents and defining who they want to be for themselves, with the benefit of supportive guidance from the parents rather than having the law laid down for them; but I know that this can be a tricky balance to strike.)

Well, it is of course quite possible that I’ve missed the mark in some of my analysis. (There are a couple of points I would have liked a little clarification on: for instance, the wording of your description about how your husband was informed about your daughter’s lesbian crush made me wonder if you are actually divorced and living in separate households, which would presumably make it more difficult to coordinate the way you handle some of the issues that are liable to arise in connection with your daughter’s upbringing.)

Regardless, it does seem clear that there was a considerable failure (or several failures) of communication along the way. It seems important for healthy communication channels between all the members of your family to be reestablished as soon as is reasonably possible in order to restore a more normal atmosphere, and of course to improve the frayed relations between your daughter and yourselves. This may possibly involve giving her a sincere apology for breaching her trust or overreaching in your response to her relationship with her friend. (Showing that you can be fallible in your parental judgment when your daughter is 13 [and is probably savvier than one might suspect] would be the honest thing to do, and I’m sure she would appreciate the gesture of your openness if you can convince her that your action is genuine.)

I also invite you to consider your own motivations for acting the way you did more deeply. Were they mostly about you and your prejudices, or were they truly mostly focused on your daughter’s well-being? You do sound like a deeply caring parent, but it may be the case that you and your husband would benefit from at least a degree of professional help to come to terms with the possibility that your daughter will turn out to be gay, as well as getting some guidance regarding the best way to deal with some of the issues connected with that possibility.

One thing you haven’t discussed very much in your account is your daughter’s relationship with her other friend (the one who is aged 13 or 14). I’m not sure what your attitude is towards that friendship, but unless some obvious red flags are apparent there, I’d be inclined to avoid doing anything that might give your daughter (who is currently very sensitive about the interference of her parents in her relationships with her peers) any additional cause for resentment. Apart from anything else, for as long as she is upset about your interference in her relationships with her friends, her ability to concentrate on her schoolwork is likely to be at least somewhat impaired.

One of the other people who responded to your question raised the issue of the age of consent. I’m assuming you are based in the USA, in which case you might like to check out Wikipedia’s page concerning the age of consent in whichever of the 50 states you reside in:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ages_of_consent_in_North_America

I hope my comments have been at least somewhat useful. Good luck!

Answer 2 (score 30)

Oh, the pain of first heartbreak! Bless you for being there for your daughter through all of this. The maturity level between 13 and 17 is so vast and I’m very glad the other girl agreed to back off rather than messing with your daughter’s emotions; she sounds like she’ll be a good friend down the road, once the dust has a chance to settle.

If you don’t listen to Dan Savage’s podcast, I’d recommend it, for your own sanity if nothing else. He has dealt with several parents’ questions recently along the same lines (how do I support my kid while she/he goes through this growing-up-and-exploring-love mess), and his advice falls along the lines of “love your child, support your child, stick up for your child, and let them know you have their back.” You’re doing all these things. (So give yourself a bit of a hug.)

It might be that she needs to talk to someone about this; does she have an aunt/older cousin/older sibling/someone who’s close and trustworthy but not a parent that she can confide in? Someone who can help her find her way through this morass? We’ve all been there but it’s SOOOO hard for a teen to see that, especially when it’s a parent saying it.

I’d also recommend trying to spend some ‘normal’ time with her, if you can. Go do one-on-one normal things and let her process this at her own speed. Let her know you’re there to talk if she needs you, but that you’re not going to insist she open her own thought processes to you if she’s not ready to do so.

Answer 3 (score 20)

I am not really understanding why you had to tear them apart. As far as I can read from your text they never did anything “bad” to each other, so one could expect the 17 year old to not suddenly do something to your daughter just because she is older.

I totally understand that you need to assist your daughter here, the difference between 13 and 17 is too extreme to just let her experience that on her own. But I wonder why you did not just clear the thing up with the older girl and tell her to keep the relationship on a friendship level and to understand that she can’t do certain things with such a young girl, she probably would have understood. Eventually that love would have died out naturally giving your daughter the chance to learn something about relationships from someone a bit older. That would have given your daughter some insight, while now she is just angry and probably will take a very long time to understand what you did.

Instead of cutting the line between them (if you even can do that), you could alternatively now, after some time, tell your daughter that you did that to get her to cool down a bit and allow her to see her friend again, but on a friendship level and nothing more. That might fix some of the trust she obviously lost.

Question

My 19months old daughter, who sleeping between me and my wife, screams (for once or few times) during nighttime/sleeptime but she not waking up.

just scream….. around 2 - 4am and her normal sleep @ 1030pm and last meal (milk) around 930pm

i saw some questions/answers regarding the different is she does not wake up… just scream.

is it she having some nightmare, or night terrors?

if so, how to deal with it? or….?

Answer accepted (score 6)

It does not sound like night terrors (which are different from nightmares). It sounds like a sleep cry to me. This is a good description of a sleep cry:

Sleep-cries are referred as such as the child is initially still asleep when it 1st occurs. The cries are initially very intense, as if the child is in pain or had a terrible nightmare. This initial intense cries often subside on it’s own within 2-5mins, followed by fussy/complainy/whiny cries, and the child is in deep sleep again within 7-15mins. Hence, the importance of waiting for a few mins. If one rushes in, one risks actually waking the child and create an actual nightwaking.

If the child is overtired, these sleep-cries will be more frequent (at multiples of a sleep cycle-45mins), slightly/moderately overtired-every 3hrs, moderate to severely overtired-every 1.5hr or sooner. The more overtired the child and the less practise the child has at independent sleep, the more difficulties the child will have in transitioning from 1 sleep cycle to the next and the more likely the sleep-cry will develop into a full-blown nightwaking.

(source)

As far as I understand these cries occur on sleep cycle transitions and indicate overtiredness. Has your child been sleeping less than usual? It is well-known that at 18 months comes a very challenging sleep regression where toddlers need to sleep but have a difficult time. That can lead to overtiredness no matter what you do, leading to the sleep cries you are hearing now. Also remember that toddlers need a fairly early bedtime (6-8 p.m. is recommended by most sleep experts) and a solid nap every day to prevent overtiredness.

Answer 2 (score 0)

My daughter does the exact same thing and has done so for almost 2 years. (She is almost 3 now.) The other night she was doing this every half hour or so. Sometimes waking, sometimes not.

Finally, I put 4 drops of lavender essential oil and 3 drops of an essential oil blend (blend of ylang ylang, patchouli, tangerine, and orange) in a diffuser and one drop on the bottoms of each of her feet and she didn’t wake up or cry out one more time that night. She woke up in an awesome mood, too!

My friend’s daughter was also experiencing this for years. Now they diffuse it in her room every night and she hasn’t had an issue since.

Question

I have a 15 month old little girl who up until now has been a very easy baby. Over the last month or so, she has begun whine nearly constantly. There are a few ways to stop her. Usually these involve picking her up or taking her outside to play. Both work well, but there are certain times when they are not an option, like if I am the only parent around and I am cooking dinner or something.

Any suggestions on breaking this new behavior?

Answer accepted (score 9)

Right around 15 months, according to the book The Wonder Weeks, comes Mental Leap 9. The authors of The Wonder Weeks describe mental leaps as the bounds in development your child makes where he goes from one way of understanding the world to another, more mature and adult-like way of understanding it. As your child ages his leaps build on each other and he learns more and more about the world.

During these mental developmental leaps, however, your toddler’s world is being rocked. He’s learning that there are whole new layers to the way the world works. This is incredibly disruptive to his experience of life. During mental developmental leaps toddlers often have difficulty sleeping, may eat poorly, are clingier, are crankier, cry more, act a little more like babies, and the symptoms go on. Generally every time my 17 month old has hit a rough spot in her infant and toddler life I’ve found when I checked the calendar that she’s in the so-called fussy phase before one of these leaps. The fussy phases for most of the leaps last 3-6 weeks. In between the leaps are a period of 1-6 calmer weeks, depending on the leap. During these clingy, cranky, fussy phases a little extra understanding may go a long way for both you and your toddler.

Mental Leap 9 is the one where your child gains the skills to begin to manipulate and try to get his way. So he’s not only crankier, he’s also practicing his new skill of whining to get his way. And this is where you have to decide how your family wants to handle whining.

Depending on your overarching parenting philosophy you may choose something very different from what the next family will choose. Whatever you decide, you want to make sure that it is consistent with your principles and family rules. Some parents do prefer to, for example, pick up a child every single time that he indicates he wants up. They do this because they believe that it is critical to a child’s development to be that responsive. These parents tend to consider themselves Attachment Parents, at least in the US. Most AP parents use devices like soft structured baby carriers and wraps to provide closeness in situations such as cooking, even for toddlers. Other parents believe that now that the child is gaining a rudimentary ability to understand reactions to actions and consequences for behavior now is the time to begin teaching patience by asking that a child not get his or her way every minute. For example Janet Landsbury sums up the Resources for Infant Educarers view of how to handle whining by suggesting that you calmly tell your child you understand they are upset, but that the whining hurts your ears and you want them to speak in a normal tone. RIE also emphasizes that by giving your child your full attention during every day activities such as feeding, dressing, diapering, and other mundane parts of life you can stop whining before it starts.

As you have already noticed, taking your child outside tends to quell whining. In both Your One Year Old and The Happiest Toddler on the Block I noticed that the authors suggested that the best way to minimize tantrums was to maximize your toddler’s outdoor time. While I agree that parents cannot have their child outside playing every minute of every day I do find that my 17 month old is less likely to be throwing a tantrum or whining at me if we have spent a good deal of time outdoors every day. So I do tend to structure our day with as much outdoor time as my schedule allows in order to head off later whining, or in my daughter’s case, loud screaming, as she usually alternates between sunny and full-out furious with no intermediate state.

Answer 2 (score 6)

For our 16m/o, a “No child, none of that” in a disapproving but not angry tone, as often as necessary, gets the point across; while we aren’t ignoring her, what she’s doing for attention is not kosher. If she persists, it’s usually because:

• she’s bored (this seems to be your child’s primary complaint, as a change of scenery does the trick; maybe you can step away from your other duties for a little while and indulge her),
• she’s hungry (offering her an animal cracker is a good gauge; if she wolfs it down we get out something more substantive for a snack or meal, while if she plays around with it it’s boredom), or
• it’s naptime (there will be other signs like droopy eyelids, face rubbing, and the fact that when we lay her down in the crib she doesn’t argue the point).

You might be tempted to try Pavlovian methods here; reward the good, ignore the bad. This is IMO a mistake; your daughter is trying, in her own way, to make sure you still have her back, and to ignore that can be damaging. It can also lead to escalation to a behavior you cannot ignore, which will reinforce this path of behavior as something that will eventually get your attention.

You should be responsive to your child. If this behavior seems engineered to get a particular response (she has, for instance, learned that whining will get her picked up and maybe even carried outside), then break that cause-effect relationship by consistently providing a different response to that behavior that she doesn’t want (it doesn’t have to be a punishment per se), and encouraging a different behavior that will get her what she does want (if that’s within your power).

Just don’t be too responsive; there are parents who take the exact opposite tack and respond earnestly to every movement and sound their child makes. First, this is impossible to keep up, and second, if you are always watching your child, they get the impression that something’s up and maybe they’re not as safe as they think.

By the same token, don’t ignore destructive or overly disruptive behavior. As a parent, listening to whining is in your job description (Section II, Paragraph 3, right next to “being indispensable one moment and an embarrassment the next”). However, if she escalates, respond, this time with a firm “no” and/or a time-out.

The whining, the wanting to be held, the wanting Mommy (or Daddy) around all the time, is all part and parcel of the “clingy phase” that happens around this time. As babies learn to walk, run, climb, and generally push the envelope toward independence, they’re also redefining their “comfort zone”, and sometimes that will involve a regression or two back to “mommy needs to be with me all the time or I don’t feel safe”. Your child will outgrow this. In the meantime, giving her a response, but not the result she was after, is the order of the day for behavior you want to discourage.

Answer 3 (score 3)

Here is one more thing in addition to KeithS’s great answer.
You can just involve your child into your tasks simply by showing what you do and describing it to the child (i.e. “You see, now I’m putting the plate on the table, then I’ll wash the dishes”, “I wash the dishes with water”).
Every new word, every new concept will have an impact on your child. By the way it will learn new things. Later the child will want to help you with your tasks, as it will know what to do and how.

Question

My 22 month old baby is a the stage where she is becoming a picky eater.

One thing she currently has no resistance to, however, is bananas. She’ll eat a whole banana, ask for another, power through a second banana if I give in, then ask for another, at which point I usually resist. More than 2 bananas a day seems like a lot for a 28 pound baby. I have nothing to back me up on this though.

How can I determine how many bananas is too much? Are there any negative consequences of allowing her to eat bananas to her heart’s content?

Answer accepted (score 13)

The main concern with eating bananas is constipation. Bananas are extremely sweet, and that can be somewhat dehydrating (which is the leading cause of constipation). If they’re eaten in an unripe state (a ripe banana is yellow with some brown speckles), they may also be harder to digest, as their starch content is higher.

However, how that affects your daughter will depend on, well, your daughter. If she tends to hydrate well, and her bowels work pretty well, then she’ll be fine - just pay attention to how her stools are 8-24 hours after she eats the bananas, and if it’s a problem, cut back in the future.

When she potty trains (if she hasn’t already), you may want to avoid constipation more than usual for a while (as it can make it hard on the child when trying to go), but again that’s going to be on a person by person basis.

Finally, I would make sure she’s eating enough other foods. As long as she is getting plenty of protein, green veggies, dairy/calcium, and the other things she needs, and the bananas aren’t causing problems with her digestive tract, then I’d say go ahead and let her eat what she wants. As Brusselssprout notes above, letting her pick how much to eat is the healthier way to go, so long as you give her a selection of healthy foods and make sure this isn’t replacing her full meal.

If you do find it is replacing her full meal, then treat it like dessert or snack - only give it at times a few hours before the next meal.

Answer 2 (score 7)

We are facing the same issue with our 18-month-old daughter. It’s difficult, but we try to follow the Ellyn Satter division of responsibility in feeding:

The Division of Responsibility for toddlers through adolescents:

The parent is responsible for what, when, where.

The child is responsible for how much and whether.

Like you, I hesitate before giving the third banana. For some reason it feels like one too many. I try to remember the division of responsibility and trust that my daughter, on the whole, will eat what she needs to eat when offered a variety of food choices at set meal times.

Bananas contain a lot of good stuff, like carbohydrates, minerals, and fiber. Too much of a good thing can of course become a bad thing, but it would be practically impossible to eat enough bananas to get potassium poisoning (for example).

The main concern I can think of would be that she’s filling up on bananas, and neglecting to eat other things that have necessary nutrients. Bananas contain no fat, for instance, which is definitely needed for toddlers’ growth and brain development. I’m not a health professional, but our pediatrician told us that it’s what she eats over the course of a week (or even a month), not at each specific meal, that matters.

Answer 3 (score 2)

My twins are almost 17 months old and for the longest time they shared a banana because they have constipation problems (due to them being premature). But now they eat a whole banana, and they will eat up to 3 a day a piece. And they go to the bathroom just fine, plus banana’s are good for their development and growth.

Question

My 1 month old daughter has starting something I am trying to understand. While I am holding her, either in a blanket or not, she will start grunting and kicking her legs. Crying usually starts soon after a few minutes of this.

I thought this was gas or pooping, but that doesn’t seem to be the case, unless she’s having trouble passing whatever has got her so unhappy.

Could this be a hunger cue? Any thoughts?

Answer accepted (score 7)

Some things to consider:

• On the back is a “danger” posture for babies; they can’t move, can’t roll over, so all they can do is cry for Mommy.

• At one month, babies start to enter a phase called “PURPLE crying”. They simply cry; there’s often no rhyme or reason to it, and no way to soothe them. It’s thought to be developmental, by strengthening lungs and torso muscles and also by getting you, the parents, to provide sensual stimulation trying to soothe or distract them.

• At one month old, your baby starts to learn what “bored” is, and being held by Mommy, no matter how soothing, can be kind of boring.

Dr. Karp’s Five “S”s got us through this period pretty easily, actually. They are, in the order you should try them:

• Swaddling - Don’t just wrap the baby in a blanket; wrap them tightly, pinning their arms at their sides. They won’t like this at first, but after they’re calmed, keeping them swaddled keeps them feeling like they’re safe and sound in Mommy’s arms (or womb). Look up swaddling techniques; you can do a “DUDU” swaddle with any receiving blanket about 30-36" on a side, or you can invest in a HALO or SwaddleMe wrap that are as idiot-proof as these things get.

• Side-holding - It’s amazing how much of an “off-switch” this is. After swaddling them, hold them on their side, with their head in your hand. They can either be facing in or out, your choice. It’s nearly magical how quickly it quiets them.

• Shushing - For a few babies or a few situations, the first two don’t work every time. The baby’s saying “whaddaya got? You got nothin”. The next step is shushing; lean in close, but not directly in their face, and make a loud, constant “SHHHHHHH”. You won’t hurt their ears unless you’re blowing air directly into them. A hair dryer (heat off, please, and not pointed at them) or a vacuum cleaner running are easy substitutes. This mimics the white noise he or she heard in the womb (which can be quite loud).

• Swinging - This won’t calm them down, but it may keep them calm. Once they’re swaddled and have stopped crying, when you need to do something, you can put them in their mechanical swing (best.investment.evar) still in their swaddle, on the highest setting (anything less generally doesn’t work very well). There are other techniques which I won’t try to describe, because doing them correctly requires seeing it, and doing them incorrectly can hurt your baby.

• Sucking - Pacifiers are your best friend, at least once your baby’s mastered breast feeding. Keep one tethered to the swaddling blanket (though make sure that the tether’s clipped in such a way that it can’t end up wrapped around baby’s head or neck). Some people think that if the baby spits the passy, that you should hold it in. Actually the reverse is true; if you pull gently on it, or push it downward, it triggers a reflex to suck harder. If there isn’t a pacifier within reach, or you don’t want to give them one just yet, you can just give them one of your fingers; typically pressing up with the pad of your fingertip at the roof of their mouth will trigger the sucking reflex. Eventually, you do have to wean them off the passy for psychological and orthodontic reasons, but until then it’s baby’s mute button.

Answer 2 (score 4)

Try different physical positions. If you’re cradling her in your arms, try putting her up on your shoulder. Or vice versa.

Other things to try are: football hold – her chest on your base of your palm and side of head on your fingers; football hold on back; lay her on her back on something firm/hard like dining room table or desk (be sure to turn her head) or on something super soft like a quarter folded comforter (do not lay face-down on super-soft as it’s thought to be a cause of SIDS).

Obviously, steady her as needed. football on back pretty much requires a 2nd hand to steady. The head usually sets well between index and middle finger, with thumb and other 2 fingers around the shoulders… man I forgot how tiny 1mo old kiddos can be. Thanks (=

Try also giving her to dad to lay face down on his chest on the couch. Sometimes the mommy-boobies can be too squishy. My kids never liked it. I think it’s all about the heartbeat.

If you think it’s a hunger cue, put the tip of your li’l pinkie finger in her mouth (nail up). If she starts sucking hard, then it’s time for chow. Personally, I never had the kicking with hunger, it was always kissy-mouth smacking with head turned to the side.

Let us know what happens.

edit: oh… uh… welcome!

Answer 3 (score 3)

I agree about the 5 S’s, they were very helpful for us, but ultimately we found that our son had reflux problems as well as a problem with his breastfeeding mother having dairy.

Once he was put on reflux medicine and my wife cut dairy out of her diet he was a different baby.

At one month, it’s probably too early to tell, but perhaps something worth keeping on the radar if it persists and comforting gestures don’t work.

Question

We’ve been trying to get our infant on a schedule, but he tends to fall asleep before he’s done eating, which makes it challenging, because he doesn’t finish, and wakes up hungry too early. It also makes it more difficult to burp him and once or twice he has choked a bit on the milk.

He’s exclusively bottle-fed. I don’t know of any other way to properly support a newborn for feeding other than holding him, which I’m sure makes him warm and very comfortable – who wouldn’t fall asleep?

Does anyone have any suggestions for how to help him stay awake during feedings so he can finish safely and completely?

Answer accepted (score 6)

For ours I find it works pretty well to start to simply start to pull the bottle out of her mouth, or wiggle it around. I start gentle and increase to fairly aggressive wiggling as needed and so far we have not suffered any bottle nipple related injuries. The advantage to this is you don’t really have to change positions from feeding. However you have to be paying attention and catch them before they fall asleep completely.

Answer 2 (score 6)

For ours I find it works pretty well to start to simply start to pull the bottle out of her mouth, or wiggle it around. I start gentle and increase to fairly aggressive wiggling as needed and so far we have not suffered any bottle nipple related injuries. The advantage to this is you don’t really have to change positions from feeding. However you have to be paying attention and catch them before they fall asleep completely.

Answer 3 (score 4)

If a gentle turn of the bottle doesn’t get our now eight month old to restart sucking, we move on to rubbing his belly. If that doesn’t work, I generally change his diaper. Simply undressing him and tickling him doesn’t seem to work at all for us, but I know that has worked for a number of friends.

Question

Instinctively I try to avoid giving our 1 year old sugar. However, I don’t really understand why it is bad for her.

Often when she doesn’t want to eat any more savoury food she is more than happy to have something sweet - fruit or yoghurt or sometimes even (I blame her mother!) a bit of cake. At this age she has not been influenced by advertising or other social factors and is acting out of instinct - some form of evolutionary impulse which has aided human development for a very long time. This leads me to think that maybe sugar may have some benefits for infants and is actually quite important for them to have some.

I realise there is a difference between natural fruit sugars and highly refined sugar. Also in ancient times sugar was no way nearly as available as it is today.

What research has been carried out on the effects of sugar, and the effects of different forms of sugar on infants? How harmful / beneficial is it? It there a recommended daily amount?

Answer accepted (score 14)

Short version: Once a child is older than 6 months, small amounts of sugar (sugar in moderation) are probably okay, but refined sugars should be avoided, and fruit juice intake should be restricted and monitored (The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends limiting juice intake to 4-6 ounces (118-177 milliliters) for kids under 7 years old, and no more than 8-12 ounces (237-355 milliliters) of juice for older kids and teens.). Too many sweets can lead to obesity, tooth decay, and continuing patterns of increased sugar and fat consumption in later life.

Sugar is a form of simple carbohydrate. Consuming simple carbohydrates allows the blood sugar level to rise very quickly. Naturally occurring simple sugars aren’t necessarily bad, as they often include a number of other nutritionally useful components, such as vitamins. Refined sugars lack nutritional value, yet are more likely to be eaten in greater quantities because they taste great, and aren’t too filling. Worse, they tend to be high in calories, potentially leading to obesity issues.

This study investigated the impact of early sugar introduction on long-term sugar consumption patterns, among other factors.

At 12 and 24 mo, total sugar intake was correlated with total fat intake (both p≥.001) even when adjusted for weight. Total sugar intake at 12 and 24 mo was correlated with lean mass(p=.9 and p=.06). Additionally, 24 mo sugar intake/kg was positively correlated with total sugar intake/kg at 12 mo, p≥.001. Unlike adult data that shows a calorie compensation effect (an inverse relationship between consumption of calories from sugar and fat) the 12 and 24 mo data show positive correlations between high sugar and high fat intake. In addition, there was no correlation between sugar intake and lean mass at 12 or 24 mo. High sugar intake/kg at 12 mo is positively correlated with high sugar intake/kg at 24 mo suggesting a developing pattern of sweet preference. Infants developing a sweet preference may “pattern” their eating habits for later in the toddler years for sugar and fat intake.

So higher consumption of sugar in infants can result in higher consumption of fat, and may establish a pattern of a preference for sweet and fatty foods that could persist into later years.

This study by the American Association of Pediatrics focuses on fruit juices, rather than just sugar, but the main concerns expressed in the document seem to focus on the sugar content of the juice:

There is no nutritional indication to feed juice to infants younger than 6 months. Offering juice before solid foods are introduced into the diet could risk having juice replace breast milk or infant formula in the diet. This can result in reduced intake of protein, fat, vitamins, and minerals such as iron, calcium, and zinc.37 Malnutrition and short stature in children have been associated with excessive consumption of juice.4,38

and

Teeth begin to erupt at approximately 6 months of age. Dental caries have also been associated with juice consumption.39 Prolonged exposure of the teeth to the sugars in juice is a major contributing factor to dental caries

For toddlers and young children:

Fruit juice and fruit drinks are easily overconsumed by toddlers and young children because they taste good. In addition, they are conveniently packaged or can be placed in a bottle and carried around during the day. Because juice is viewed as nutritious, limits on consumption are not usually set by parents. Like soda, it can contribute to energy imbalance. High intakes of juice can contribute to diarrhea, overnutrition or undernutrition, and development of dental caries.

Dental issues are a recurring theme in professional concern about consumption of sugar by infants (presumably not an issue prior to the teeth actually erupting, but teeth generally start to erupt around 6 months of age, and prior to six months infants should only be consuming breastmilk and/or formula). The American Dental Association warns against sugary liquids, or using sugar on pacifiers:

Another factor for tooth decay is the frequent, prolonged exposure of the baby’s teeth to liquids that contain sugar, like sweetened water and fruit juice and potentially milk, breast milk and formula. Tooth decay can occur when the baby is put to bed with a bottle, or when a bottle is used as a pacifier for a fussy baby. The sugary liquids pool around the teeth while the child sleeps. Bacteria in the mouth use these sugars as food. They then produce acids that attack the teeth. Each time your child drinks these liquids, acids attack for 20 minutes or longer. After multiple attacks, the teeth can decay.

Pacifiers dipped in sugar or honey can also lead to tooth decay since the sugar or honey can provide food for the bacteria’s acid attacks.

Answer 2 (score 6)

Evolutionary conditioning for sweet tooth

Evolutionarily, indeed sweet foods have offered an advantage to their consumers: lots of calories. Almost all of us - not just infants, but most adults, in fact, most animals too - are attracted by sweet flavours because of this. But especially us humans, since our big brains crave a lot of energy. And even more so for children, who require an immense amount of energy for their growth, and the tremendous amount of physical and mental (learning) activity they perform daily. It is so much easier to get one’s needed energy intake from e.g. honey or fruits than from raw vegetables or meat, much less from grass.

As you note, for a long long time sugar was not available in its pure form, the closest to that used to be honey (or maybe maple syrup in some locations). It was a rare treat, not an everyday indulgence, thus in nature there was no risk of overeating it. Nowadays there is, but we don’t have a built-in protection against it. It is now widely known that it can cause tooth decay, also obesity, and subsequently heart disease and other illnesses, but there may be other issues too.

Nutritional value (or lack thereof)

I am not a medical expert, so this is only my subjective take about the issue. In its raw form, be it in honey, cane or fruits, there are lots of other useful stuff - vitamins, minerals etc. - in the food apart from sugar. These provide nutritional value, and help absorbing and digesting sugar. I have read that digesting sugar actually requires vitamin B2, which normally is present in the honey / fruit, but not in refined sugar. So not only is refined sugar absent of any nutritional value, but consuming it in fact depletes your vitamin resources further. So it is advisable to limit sugar intake, and replace refined sugar with (fresh or dried) fruits, raw cane / demerara sugar etc.

Blood sugar level and mental / energy state

There are also lots of different kinds of sugars and sugarlike materials (e.g. starch). Some are absorbed faster, some slower. When sugar is digested, it gets into the blood, raising blood sugar level. In natural food, sugar is absorbed slower since its concentration is lower, it is surrounded by lots of other nutrients and it may also need to be transformed first into another form of sugar (glucose) which is directly usable for our body. Thus blood sugar level rises gently, and since digestion takes longer, it is sustained fairly steadily for a longer period of time. Higher blood sugar levels make you active, energetic and positive. When the sugar level starts to decline, you get hungry again - and also tired, and potentially angry or in a bad mood - and the cycle repeats. Refined sugar, however, is absorbed much faster, so it kicks up blood sugar levels faster and to higher levels, potentially making one overly agitated. Soon after that, blood sugar level drops, since there is no steady supply, potentially causing a sharp mood swing towards fatigue and depression. That’s when a lot of us reach for the next candy bar, to revive and repeat the cycle…

Hypoglycemia and diabetes

My wife has a condition commonly called hypoglycemia. She is very sensitive to variations in her blood sugar level, thus absolutely can’t fast, and must get regular meals in about every 3 hours, otherwise she turns into a dragon. She had suffered from an almost manic-depressive intensity of the ups and downs described above, for many years, before she somehow happened to realize it was caused by sugar. Since then, she more or less successfully restricts her intake of refined sugar (fruit sugar is OK), keeping her mood swings at bay.

According to the book Sugar Blues, hypoglycemia is actually pretty common, just most people never actually realise it is caused by refined sugar. The book also claims that it can turn into diabetes proper if left unnoticed for years or decades. I think the book contains some pretty extreme opinions which I don’t identify with (like linking sugar with bubonic plague), however I think there is at least a grain of truth in many of its statements. E.g. as per my wife’s story, I can see how in some extreme cases sugar may cause symptoms (mis)diagnosed as a mental illness. Also, its explanation of how prolonged repetition of the above high-low blood sugar cycle may eventually wear out the pancreas so much that it stops producing insulin, resulting in (type 1) diabetes, sounds plausible to me. I would be very interested to hear scientific opinion about these claims.

Effects on children

Children are typically more sensitive to such effects, and in my personal experience, refined sugar intake can have dramatic effects on them. On our own (and others’) children, we have regularly observed hyperactivity and sometimes very difficult behaviour after taking lots of sweets (in birthday parties etc.), then intense fatigue or hysteric breakdown after an hour or two. So we try to reduce their sugar intake towards the socially acceptable minimum (without being overzealous). IIRC they got almost no refined sugar below 1y, and still not much after that (except at birthday parties etc.) until they started to eat the same food as us adults.

This is only our own subjective experience though, and AFAIK there are no scientific studies to prove this effect (or at least, the scientists conducting such studies may have been singles without children :-).

Answer 3 (score 4)

Sugar is “quick energy” for lack of a better term. If the body is given a choice of energy-producing molecules (fat, protein, or sugar), it will take the sugar first because it requires very little effort for the body to breakdown polysaccharides or disaccharides into the simple sugars needed to push through cellular respiration and generate energy. Fat and protein require a few extra steps and are, thus, more work. Likewise, our brain works 100% off glucose (commonly called blood sugar) which is the body’s favorite type of monosaccharide.

Dr. Sears claims that babies are born with a certain affinity for sugar, and I’ve read similar statements in other places. This sort of makes sense. Breastmilk, from what I understand, has a bit of a sweet taste to it–probably to help encourage nursing. Obviously, infants who nursed better had a greater likelihood of survival than those who didn’t, and mothers of these infants had more children survive into adulthood probably simply because they had more children survive in general.

I don’t (personally) think that there’s anything wrong with giving your daughter fruit or yogurt after she’s eaten her dinner or lunch. Fructose is a perfectly natural sugar, as is lactose, though you have to watch out with yogurt since many manufacturers will add more sugar to their yogurt so always check your labels (some yogurt recipes call for a small amount of sugar to feed the bacterial cultures, but I am certain that yogurt manufacturers are using sugar in excess of what is needed). Additionally, when your daughter eats these foods, she’s receiving other nutrients from the dairy or fruit she’s eating (potassium from bananas, proteins from dairy, etc.).

We all, know, though that there is little nutritional value in cake or candy. I think (again, personally) it’s just a bad habit to start giving kids too much by way of refined sugars too early. In moderation, as a treat every so often, it’s ok, but giving it too much sets your kid up for poor eating habits, and in some circles it’s even thought that sugar can be addicting. However, if you institute the “no refined sugar” rule, then you risk your kid going crazy with it whenever she is put in a situation when you aren’t there to supervise (think slumber parties when she’s older, school, etc.).

The American Heart Association came out with a daily refined sugar intake recommendation. They recommend no more than 20 g of sugar (5 tsp) for adult women per day, 36 g (9 tsp) for adult men, and 12 g (3 tsp) for children. The article doesn’t break down the children’s amount into specific ages, but I would imagine anything below that would be acceptable for babies/very young children. However, the AHA stresses that natural sugars (complex carbs like those found in whole grains, sugars from whole fruits, dairy sugars) do not need to be avoided.

Question

My little girl about 3 months old and she already mouths quite frequently on her hands. Should we try to discourage this behavior now (by pulling her hand away when we find her doing it), or wait till she is older?

If we should wait, how will we know that she is ready?

Answer accepted (score 12)

This is typical infant behavior. Keep in mind infants typically don’t know what their hands are doing, that they can control them, or that they are even part of their own body. (My 5 month old son still wakes himself in the night, by whacking himself in the face – he thinks someone else is doing it! I have to tightly wrap him in a blanket, to jeep his hands away.) Be sure to keep her fingernails filed down, so she doesn’t hurt herself. My first two kids hated pacifiers, but my 5 month old likes them. See if she will peter a pacifier to her hand.

Wen you’re ready to stop the habit (probably in about a year), simply rub the cut end of an artichoke stem on the offending hand. Raw artichoke tastes AWFUL. The bad taste will stay on her hand (and in her mouth) for some time, doesn’t stain, is a natural, and won’t cause a rash or allergic reaction. Most kids try it only once or twice, before they get the clue that putting a hand in their mouth isn’t a great experience.

If the behavior persists, wait until she is old enough to learn to stop. 18-24 months old should be old enough – girls are pretty smart and learn fast at a younger age.

I assume this is your first child. Don’t spoil her, even though you’ll want to!

Answer 2 (score 7)

Do:
I’d let her do it at least until she can deliberately grab other objects to suck on instead. The only thing you should check is that the skin of the hands don’t get irritated from being moist all the time, and keep the nails short (though infant nails usually don’t need to be clipped because they’re so soft in the first place). If moist hand skin becomes an issue, put some soft mittens on her hands and replace them regularly throughout the day.

Why:
Infants go through an oral phase, where they put everything into the mouth. The reason is that the most sensitive body part of an infant are the lips. This is no big surprise, as infants can’t yet deliberately move their limbs very well or touch things with their fingers. Since she can’t yet grab objects, the hands are the easiest “object” to use.

Answer 3 (score 2)

I agree with the comment that the behavior is typical. I have a 4 month old who eats her hand.
I will say…it helps her immensely with her teething. I can see her rubbing her gums because her little teeth are starting to push through. If its not her hand its going to town on some toy (I dont think the pacifier provides enough resistance so she’s weening herself off of those).

Totally off topic, but, I read that offering your own fingers to them can help at this stage. Its true…she goes nuts and tries to chomp our fingers off (very funny). Basically she just likes the way it feels on sore gums.

Question

Our toddler isn’t gaining weight, and our doctor told us to fix it. We stopped breastfeeding and she gained a kilo in just two weeks, but since then (soon two months) she hasn’t gained anything again, possibly even lost a bit.

The weather is fantastic and she is running around like crazy both inside and outside, which I’m sure isn’t helping, but we need to get her to eat more, but she isn’t really that interested (except in baby formula milk, which she loves, and gets during the night, the recommended 500-800ml).

Everything else seems fine.

Answer accepted (score 3)

I noticed in one of the responses that you said you quit offering snacks. Here is a sample of our meal schedule for our 15 month old twins. We seldom offer snacks but stagger meals and milk. By staggering them we get more high calorie/protein milk in them on a regular basis.

• 7:30 AM 8oz of milk with liquid vitamins (Poly-Vi-Sol) added in
• 8:30 AM Breakfast (Whole milk plain Yogurt with fruit puree, protein such as eggs or ham, fruit, carb such as peanut butter toast)
• 10:30 AM 8 oz of milk offered
• [11-1 Nap time]
• 1:30 Lunch (Avocado with banana, protein, veggie, carb, fruit for dessert)
• 3:30 8 oz milk offered
• 5:30 Supper (Protein, veggies, carb, fruit for dessert)
• 7:00 8 oz milk offered
• [8:00 bed time]

We offer 8 oz of milk each time but other than in the morning it is seldom that the full glass gets drank. Water is always available in the play area to be drank when thirsty.

I Googled “high calorie foods for toddlers” and got some great hits that had some good ideas on foods to offer. We make sure to always offer a wide variety of foods at each meal.

Our biggest trick is just what you said in a comment, we offer the meal and then after it is gone we offer fruit to get a few extra calories in. Freeze dried blueberries are a favorite.

Answer 2 (score 8)

Busy toddlers burn lots of calories. A child that is not gaining weight steadily can be in danger of not meeting their nutritional needs. This is the reason for your physician’s concern.

Getting your little one to eat more is likely to be very difficult. Therefore, making each mouthful have the greatest caloric impact is the most likely to add those needed ounces.

Here are some strategies for adding calories.

Add 1 or 2 tablespoons of nonfat dry milk powder to casseroles, muffins, cooked cereal, pancakes, puddings, mashed potatoes scrambled eggs, meatloaf, whole milk, milkshakes, yogurt, and even her formula.

Add a powdered breakfast drink (such as Instant Breakfast®) to:milk, milkshakes, smoothies, or ice cream.

Add extra margarine or butter to: cooked cereal, rice, pasta dishes, sandwiches, potatoes, and vegetables.

Add cheese to: casseroles, meatloaf, crackers, sandwiches, hamburgers, soups, mashed potatoes, and vegetables.

Spread cream cheese or peanut butter (watch for allergies) on: crackers, muffins, fruit slices, pancakes, graham crackers, and pretzels.

Include supplements, such as:Boost® Pediasure®, Carnation Instant Sport shakes® & Breakfast®, and Yo-J®.

For extra protein, offer more of these foods: eggs, milk, cheese, peanut butter, cottage cheese, puddings, legumes, ricotta cheese, meats, & yogurt.

These strategies are recommended by dieticians. You may even want to ask your physician for a referral for a dietary consult with a dietician that can help you with a very specific plan for your child.

Answer 3 (score 6)

Busy toddlers burn lots of calories. A child that is not gaining weight steadily can be in danger of not meeting their nutritional needs. This is the reason for your physician’s concern.

Getting your little one to eat more is likely to be very difficult. Therefore, making each mouthful have the greatest caloric impact is the most likely to add those needed ounces.

Here are some strategies for adding calories.

Add 1 or 2 tablespoons of nonfat dry milk powder to casseroles, muffins, cooked cereal, pancakes, puddings, mashed potatoes scrambled eggs, meatloaf, whole milk, milkshakes, yogurt, and even her formula.

Add a powdered breakfast drink (such as Instant Breakfast®) to:milk, milkshakes, smoothies, or ice cream.

Add extra margarine or butter to: cooked cereal, rice, pasta dishes, sandwiches, potatoes, and vegetables.

Add cheese to: casseroles, meatloaf, crackers, sandwiches, hamburgers, soups, mashed potatoes, and vegetables.

Spread cream cheese or peanut butter (watch for allergies) on: crackers, muffins, fruit slices, pancakes, graham crackers, and pretzels.

Include supplements, such as:Boost® Pediasure®, Carnation Instant Sport shakes® & Breakfast®, and Yo-J®.

For extra protein, offer more of these foods: eggs, milk, cheese, peanut butter, cottage cheese, puddings, legumes, ricotta cheese, meats, & yogurt.

These strategies are recommended by dieticians. You may even want to ask your physician for a referral for a dietary consult with a dietician that can help you with a very specific plan for your child.

Question

My wife and I didn’t know we’re pregnant and in a weekend fun with friends we smoked a bit of weed - we don’t usually smoke weed or cigarettes.

This is not something we’re regulary doing as I said, but how bad to the fetus can it be ?

Answer accepted (score 7)

During the first two weeks of pregnancy there is very little exchange of substances between the mother and the embryo. And the pregnancy, by definition, actually starts at the moment the woman supposed to have her period. So one may say that the first three weeks are actually quite safe in regards to drinking or other substances use or abuse. After that, however, starts the most dangerous period for drinking, smoking, etc., with differentiation and organogenesis possibly being severely negatively influenced by harmful substances. Therefore – drinking or smoking shortly after conceiving a child is less harmful to the baby than doing it after two or three weeks. So you and your baby should be fine. Don’t worry.

However, this does not mean that one should use these two weeks to drink and take drugs because one won’t be able to do so for the next 9 months. The risk is always there!

I have checked the pregnancy literature I have at home. There are hints that what I wrote is true, but it is not stated explicitely. Perhaps because there is no conclusive research… Or because authors feared it would make some women use drugs and drink alcohol in that time, which is still somewhat bad idea.

Still, I have found some references:

[1]: (about alcohol) In the first two weeks following fertilization, excessive alcohol consumption does not generally have a negative effect on the zygote and emerging blastocyst (pre-embryo)

[2]: (critical growth period) In most successful pregnancies, the embryo implants 8 to 10 days after ovulation. […] (after that) Rapid growth occurs and the embryo’s main external features begin to take form. […] During this critical period (most of the first trimester), the developing embryo is also susceptible to toxic exposures

1: http://embryo.asu.edu/pages/developmental-timeline-alcohol-induced-birth-defects

2: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prenatal_development#Embryonic_period

Answer 2 (score 2)

As a general rule it is probably best to avoid cannabis smoking in pregnancy, but the primary evidence for this is based on the smoking aspect - many of the same compounds that make smoking tobacco in pregnancy potentially unhealthy are also present in weed. We have very little evidence either way as to whether THC itself has any effect on pregnancy - it’s a drug that can remain in the body for some weeks post ingestion, but none of the documented biological effects are such as would be likely to have an adverse impact on pregnancy. The raw birth defects data doesn’t show any correlation.

In regard to your situation specifically, one-time use in very early pregnancy is extremely unlikely to have any adverse effects whatsoever. It happened and you can’t change it, so if you intend to continue the pregnancy then rather than dwell on it I would advise you to concentrate on positive healthy behaviours going forward.

(Source for drug and birth defects info: my job as a data analyst for exactly that.)

Answer 3 (score 1)

I’d say don’t worry about weed:

Five-year follow-up of rural Jamaican children whose mothers used marijuana during pregnancy.

This research provides data on the development of 59 Jamaican children, from birth to age 5 years, whose mothers used marijuana during pregnancy. [..] The results show no significant differences in developmental testing outcomes between children of marijuana-using and non-using mothers except at 30 days of age when the babies of users had more favourable scores on two clusters of the Brazelton Scales: autonomic stability and reflexes.

The cigarette smoke is probably the worst thing that happened. But again you are probably in the safe time when your child’s system is little affected by the mother’s. I can’t provide a reference for that time, but soon there are coming opportunities when you can ask your gynaecologist.

Question

Our 3-year-old 30 lb child is doing very well in a puddle jumper which is designed for children from 30 to 50 lbs. We have a 20lb 1-year-old and we are trying to look for something equivalent for that lower weight.

We’ve tried the bathing suits with the built in floatation devices and life-vests, but they all ride up around his face and cover his mouth when he’s in the water.

What floatation device is available for 20lb babies that doesn’t ride up over the face and is like the puddle jumper?

Answer accepted (score 2)

Best I can tell, there is no lower weight equivalent to the puddle jumper.

We have a petite 2 year old who would love to have a “floatie” like her 4 year old sister. Our 2 year old weighs 23 pounds. We put her sister’s puddle jumper on just to see if it would work and it is huge.

So far, The best solution we have found is to buy the smallest 0- ring shaped floats we can (usually at the Dollar Tree) and keep her within arms reach at all times. She doesn’t try to get out of the ring and generally enjoys floating around rather passively so I don’t know how it would work with a different personality type lol but the ring fits pretty close to her body so it works for us.

Answer 2 (score 2)

Best I can tell, there is no lower weight equivalent to the puddle jumper.

We have a petite 2 year old who would love to have a “floatie” like her 4 year old sister. Our 2 year old weighs 23 pounds. We put her sister’s puddle jumper on just to see if it would work and it is huge.

So far, The best solution we have found is to buy the smallest 0- ring shaped floats we can (usually at the Dollar Tree) and keep her within arms reach at all times. She doesn’t try to get out of the ring and generally enjoys floating around rather passively so I don’t know how it would work with a different personality type lol but the ring fits pretty close to her body so it works for us.

Answer 3 (score 2)

Best I can tell, there is no lower weight equivalent to the puddle jumper.

We have a petite 2 year old who would love to have a “floatie” like her 4 year old sister. Our 2 year old weighs 23 pounds. We put her sister’s puddle jumper on just to see if it would work and it is huge.

So far, The best solution we have found is to buy the smallest 0- ring shaped floats we can (usually at the Dollar Tree) and keep her within arms reach at all times. She doesn’t try to get out of the ring and generally enjoys floating around rather passively so I don’t know how it would work with a different personality type lol but the ring fits pretty close to her body so it works for us.

Question

Since my wife is pregnant, I’ve been sleeping a lot more. I feel tired much much earlier (around 9~10 instead of midnight).

Is this a documented known reaction? I’ve heard of/seen men gain weight, but not of this tiredness.

Answer accepted (score 23)

This is documented, and is known as Couvade syndrome:

Couvade syndrome, also called sympathetic pregnancy, is a proposed condition in which a partner experiences some of the same symptoms and behavior of an expectant mother. These most often include minor weight gain, altered hormone levels, morning nausea, and disturbed sleep patterns. In more extreme cases, symptoms can include labor pains, postpartum depression, and nosebleeds.

The Wikipedia article has some interesting information and links to additional reading.

Answer 2 (score 4)

in my personal experience, I wound up spending a lot more time at home while my wife was pregnant, and I also slept a lot more. for me, the answer was simple, and I think distinct from sympathetic pregnancy: we live in NYC and lead a very active social life. while she was pregnant, we didn’t have as many activities, so I would fall asleep watching TV or reading.

Answer 3 (score 2)

How many hours do you sleep. 8 hours is normal in most cultures. During the early years a lot of tiresome activies take place that simply ask for more sleep. During the pregnancy I slept a whole lot more wich was great once the little kid was born.

Question

When we have a family meal, the middle daughter will always take her time. I mean up to 2 hours, to finish a meal, especially if its not her kind of food. She’ll get very easily distracted, sing to herself, sometimes she’ll even fall asleep. Even if it’s a meal she likes, she does take her own sweet time at it. I am getting a little stressed about it, but obviously don’t want to make too much of an issue of it. Wife suggests she’ll get over this stage, that’s she’s being smart by trying to get us to either help her eat it, which she likes, or to let her off eating it, which I have done. But I am nto too sure.

Any advice over a child who eats so very slowly?

She’s 4, coming on 5, and will eat everything, eventually, but dinner has become a drag sitting around with her waiting for her to finish…

Answer accepted (score 14)

Same with my oldest boy lately, he can spend hours (if we let him) eating one bite. We just figure it’s some sort of control issue or something with him and basically have just set a time for him to eat, if he doesn’t want to finish or eat a lot then he needs to wait until the next meal. If he is really hungry either he can have water, or something healthy like fresh fruit, at night its mostly water, I have also cut down on what goes onto his plate - he complains he doesn’t have a lot. Yet, I answer him back - if you eat that, you can have more. Besides he never eats much on some meals, but seems to make up for it during the day. He used to eat more in the afternoon as well, which I think originally started the issue and we cut him down on mid-afternoon snacks.

Make sure there is no excessive snacking going on during the afternoon. My eldest also likes the we feed him bit, probably to be more like his younger brother who we are feeding since he is a toddler. With us its the same, my wife feeds him and I let him off, but I don’t give anything extra afterwards.

It may be a stage, but so long as the child is eating enough during the day due to other meals, and some snacks, then at least nutritionally things are ok.

Answer 2 (score 7)

Decide how much this bothers you. If not a lot, then as Michael said cut down on between-meal snacks and let her eat as long as it takes.

If you want to change this habit (I would), then set a timer for the meal and when it runs out, the meal ends - regardless whether she was finished or not. After a few such experiences, she’ll get the hang of it. And you won’t be starving her, don’t worry. There are plenty of meals during the day to make up for it. The point is to show that each meal does not last indefinitely.

Of course explain this rule in advance. As a reason for the rule you can say that even though she may have all the time in the world, the rest of the family does not. Baby needs to play/sleep/etc. and mommy/daddy need to clean/work/ etc.

Answer 3 (score 6)

I am a Gramma and my kids did have some of the same problems. This is what we did and it worked for us:

1. Only small healthy snacks during the day.
2. No snacks one hour before meals.
3. A small plate of food at meal time. After 30 minutes if the child has not ate, wrap the plate up, put in refrigerator. When the child says I’m hungry, warm the plate up and give to them again. You can do this up to 3 times on that same plate. After that throw out the food. Do not fuss about not eating. One day your child will eat. There are some foods I do not eat and its okay with me. So there will be some foods your child will not eat and its okay. They will try it when they get older.
4. Relax and let meal time be fun so they will want to come to the table. You can also play a guessing game at the dinner table.Do what ever is fun at the table, but no fussing! Family time should be fun and dinner time should be fun!

Question

Our children have recently been sick and I am wondering when is the right time to take them to the doctor. They both have had runny noses with coughs, diarrhea, and fevers off and on for a week, between the two of them. We have treated symptomatically. I don’t want to be a hypochondriac parent who rushes the child in for every little thing, but I also don’t want to be negligent when there is something seriously wrong that we may not see.

Answer accepted (score 30)

A good pediatrician should have an on-call service 24/7. First time parents especially may not always know when it’s serious and when it’s not. A good pediatrician (and nursing staff) also will say that you should at least call in rather than not. When in doubt, err on the side of caution!

You may not need to take the child to the doctor, but one call can reduce concern. It is entirely justified to say that one of the roles of a pediatrician is to make the parents feel better, too.

Call in more often than not. Remember, even if your child is not sick, it is not “wasting the doctor’s time” to call and ask.

Also, you can ask your doctor when they think you should call them. It is a question they are very used to hearing, and they will give you guidelines.

Go to the doctor when:

• you know there’s a need for treatment (some obvious case of illness to be treated)
• you’re concerned that there might be a need for treatment,
• you’re in doubt about the cause, seriousness, treatment, or anything else!

Don’t hesitate; it’s okay. In the course of several visits, you’ll gain more experience to evaluate which of the above 3 you’re facing, and the last one will become rarer.

Specific symptoms that are good signs to contact the doctor are:

• Changes in appetite (refuses several feedings in a row or eats poorly.

• Changes in mood (lethargic, unusually difficult to rouse, persistently irritable,or inconsolable crying).

• Tender navel or penis (umbilical area or penis suddenly becomes red or starts to ooze or bleed).

• Fever. ANY fever if younger than age 3 months, 3 months or older an oral temperature of 102 F (38.9 C) or higher, give your baby acetaminophen (Tylenol, others) and contact doctor if the fever doesn’t respond to the medication or lasts longer than one day or is unusually irritable, lethargic or uncomfortable.

• Diarrhea (especially loose or watery stools.)

• Vomiting or spiting up large portions of multiple feedings or vomits forcefully after feedings.

• Dehydration (if baby doesn’t wet a diaper for six hours or longer, the soft spot on top of your baby’s head seems to sink, or your baby cries without tears or has a dry mouth without saliva).

• Constipation (fewer bowel movements than usual for a few days)

• Colds that interfere with his or her breathing, lasts longer than two weeks, or is accompanied by severe coughing.

• Ear trouble (baby doesn’t respond normally to sounds or has fluid draining from his or her ears).

• Rash (covering a large area, appears infected or sudden unexplained rash — especially if the rash is accompanied by a fever).

• Eye discharge (one or both eyes are pink, red or leaking mucus).

• Excessive bruising

Seek emergency care for:

• Bleeding that can’t be stopped

• Poisoning

• Fits, convulsions or seizures

• Trouble breathing, fast breathing, grunting while breathing, or if your child is working hard to breathe, for example, sucking their stomach in under their ribs

• Head injuries

• A sudden lack of energy or inability to move

• Unresponsiveness, reduction in activity or increased floppiness

• Large cuts or burns

• Neck stiffness

• Blood in the urine, bloody diarrhea or persistent diarrhea

• Skin or lips that look blue, purple, gray, very pale, mottled or ashen

• a high-pitched, weak or continuous cry

• in babies, a bulging fontanelle (the soft spot on a baby’s head)

• not drinking for more than eight hours (taking solid food is not as important)

• a high temperature, but cold feet and hands

• a high temperature coupled with quietness and listlessness

• your baby or child is unusually drowsy, hard to wake up or doesn’t seem to know you

• your child is unable to stay awake even when you wake them

• a spotty, purple-red rash anywhere on the body. (This could be a sign of meningitis)

• repeated vomiting or bile-stained (green) vomiting

Specific advice regarding temperatures:

If you’re worried speak to your General Practitioner (or, in the UK, call NHS Direct on 0845 4647). If the surgery is closed, contact your GP out-of-hours service. If you’re still concerned, or if your GP or out-of-hours service can’t come quickly enough, take your child straight to the Accident and Emergency (A&E) department of your nearest hospital.

Always contact your GP, health visitor, practice nurse or nurse practitioner if:

• your child has other signs of illness as well as a raised temperature
• your baby’s temperature is 38°C (101°F) or higher (if they’re under three months), or
• your baby’s temperature is 39°C (102°F) or higher (if they’re three to six months)

Additional Thoughts:

1. If you’re asking on the Internet, you should be asking the doctor or nurse.

2. If you wonder if you should bring your baby in for a visit, then you should.

3. If you have 1 question, at least call the doctor’s office.

4. If you have more than 2 questions, set up a consultation so you’re not bombarding the doctor over the phone and have more time for follow-ups and note-taking.

5. If you have any questions, it helps to bring a notepad with questions written down in advance and write the answers.

6. If the doctor doesn’t take you and your questions seriously, then it’s time to find a new practice.

People can give you general advice, but none of us have access to your baby’s medical chart, and general advice may not work for some children for subtle reasons. For example: my baby had severe diaper rash. Ordinarily diaper rash isn’t too much to worry about, and if I’d asked about it online, I think I would have gotten a lot of answers that consider it part of being a baby. But I have a strong family history of allergies, and my baby’s diaper rash turned out to be the result of a milk allergy. We figured it out between my husband’s and my observations, my parents supplying info about my medical history, and the doctor’s expertise. No one on the internet would have been able to confirm it, even if they might have raised the red flag.

Sources:

Mayo Clinic

NHS Choices - Temperature

NHS Choices - Symptoms

Pediatrics.about.com

Answer 2 (score 9)

A good pediatrician should have on call 24/7. First time parents especially may not always know when it’s serious and when it’s not. A good pediatrician (and nursing staff) also will say that you should at least call in rather than not.

You may not need to take the child to the doctor; but one call can reduce concern. I often joked that the purpose of my child’s pediatrician was to make my spouse and I feel better.

Call in more than not because the worse thing you can do is wave off something serious because you’re concerned about seeming too hypochondriac.

Answer 3 (score 6)

The following list is a summary of ones listed at Mayo Clinic

Changes in appetite (refuses several feedings in a row or eats poorly.

Changes in mood (lethargic, unusually difficult to rouse, persistently irritable,or inconsolable crying).

Tender navel or penis (umbilical area or penis suddenly becomes red or starts to ooze or bleed).

Fever. ANY fever if younger than age 3 months, 3 months or older an oral temperature of 102 F (38.9 C) or higher, give your baby acetaminophen (Tylenol, others) and contact doctor if the fever doesn’t respond to the medication or lasts longer than one day or is unusually irritable, lethargic or uncomfortable.

Diarrhea (especially loose or watery stools.)

Vomiting or spiting up large portions of multiple feedings or vomits forcefully after feedings.

Dehydration (if baby doesn’t wet a diaper for six hours or longer, the soft spot on top of your baby’s head seems to sink, or your baby cries without tears or has a dry mouth without saliva).

Constipation (fewer bowel movements than usual for a few days)

Colds that interfere with his or her breathing, lasts longer than two weeks, or is accompanied by severe coughing.

Ear trouble (baby doesn’t respond normally to sounds or has fluid draining from his or her ears).

Rash (covering a large area, appears infected or sudden unexplained rash — especially if the rash is accompanied by a fever).

Eye discharge (one or both eyes are pink, red or leaking mucus).

Trust your instincts. Seek emergency care for:

Bleeding that can’t be stopped

Poisoning

Seizures

Trouble breathing

Head injuries

A sudden lack of energy or inability to move

Unresponsiveness

Large cuts or burns

Neck stiffness

Blood in the urine, bloody diarrhea or persistent diarrhea

Skin or lips that look blue, purple or gray

Question

Our 4-month-old baby regularly sleeps for 10+ hours at night. I know this isn’t normal (and we feel pretty blessed for it), but is it okay? Are there any health problems or downsides to this?

Answer accepted (score 5)

At KidsHealth.org, growth spurts are listed as a reason for increase in sleep patterns.

Most infants, when going through a growth spurt (usually around the ages of 7-10 days, 2-3 weeks, 4-6 weeks, 3 months, and 4 months), will nurse or want a bottle more often, and may even sleep less throughout the day. But most babies will sleep noticeably more (overall) during these growth periods because of the intense need to conserve energy.

However, Dr. Sears explains how excessive sleep can deprive a child of what is needed to thrive.

But it’s possible for excessive sleep to keep an infant from thriving. “Thriving” means more than just getting bigger, it means that your baby is developing to his fullest potential; physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Babies are born with attachment-promoting behaviors (e.g. crying) that cue their caregivers to the quantity and quality of touch and feeding they need in order to thrive. Infants who sleep too much may not initiate interaction, so you have to do it (as you’ve been doing when you wake him up to feed).

We suggest that you continue to schedule your baby’s feedings at least every three hours during the day, but let him wake you at night. Be sure to have him weighed frequently by your doctor to be sure he is gaining enough weight . Because they are not demanding babies, heavy sleepers often do not get enough to eat. This is why you are wise to take charge of the feeding routine and continue to awaken your baby for meals every three hours during the day.

In addition to insuring that your baby gets adequate food, it’s also important to make sure he gets enough touch. Demanding babies often cry if somebody doesn’t hold them, but easy babies often sleep right through potential holding times. One way to address this is to wear your baby around the house in a baby sling at least a couple hours a day to provide touch and stimulation.

I believe that his concerns are valid and are worth considering. Otherwise, enjoy your easy keeper!

Answer 2 (score 0)

From what I’ve read and heard, 4 months is exactly when babies start sleeping through the night. There is a big difference between a newborn and a 4 month old. Yeah, a 2 week old shouldn’t sleep for 12 hrs at a time, but at 4 months that’s amazing! My 4 month old sleeps 12 hrs at night with one wake up at 3am and I can’t wait for her to drop that feed.

So yeah, totally OK and totally amazing!

Answer 3 (score 0)

From what I’ve read and heard, 4 months is exactly when babies start sleeping through the night. There is a big difference between a newborn and a 4 month old. Yeah, a 2 week old shouldn’t sleep for 12 hrs at a time, but at 4 months that’s amazing! My 4 month old sleeps 12 hrs at night with one wake up at 3am and I can’t wait for her to drop that feed.

So yeah, totally OK and totally amazing!

Question

My daughter just turned 4. She has been wetting the bed several nights a week for the last month. She’s been potty trained for almost a year and previously hadn’t had a night accident in at least 6 months.

I know she understands that peeing in the bed is not good, and I don’t think she’s willfully ignoring us - I think she just doesn’t realize she’s peeing in the middle of the night.

What are good techniques to

1. communicate to her our expectations without being over-disciplinary and

2. get her to stop wetting the bed?

Answer accepted (score 10)

It’s totally normal

Don’t worry. Many children do experience setbacks like this. It’s totally normal, only to be expected, and almost certainly temporary.

Keep calm, don’t give a payoff

My eldest had this problem when he was 4. Here’s what we did. If he wee’d in the night, we just kept everything super calm and changed everything, all the sheets and pyjamas. “It’s OK, never mind, it happens, lets just sort it out”. Just a boring nightime chore. After a couple of weeks he got the idea and it stopped.

Treat it as a rather boring inconvenience

It’s just a dull nightime chore for both of you. If you just treat it as an rather boring inconvenience, rather than something worrying with a bit of emotional spice, your daughter will probably learn to avoid it.

Your daughter is almost certainly not doing it on purpose. If you attach emotion to it then it’ll become an issue.

Answer 2 (score 8)

Aside from some physiological or psychological factor another thing to consider is that during potty training you probably (if you were like us) followed a very specific bedtime routine. No water after x:00pm, pee before bedtime etc.

After our now 5 year old was all trained, we started to get a little lax on the routine. Sure you can have a drink, I will just assume you went to the bathroom.

We he had a run of accidents we had to go back and make sure we got back into our routine.

That helped alot.

Also, from our experience, he was very upset about wetting the bed. He would wake up and cry because he felt bad about having done it. Make sure to push that un-conditional love up to 11 so that they know this is ok and that you’re not upset or mad about what happened or at them for it.

Don’t get angry about it happening. In fact I would hazard a guess that the more laid back you are, “Hey, this happens, it’s cool, let try to not let it happen tomorrow night” and to reassure them that they can do it will go a long way.

Answer 3 (score 5)

It is certainly not a willful behaviour at this age, especially in the middle of the night. So it won’t help to explain your expectations, it will just frustrate her more.

Was there any substantial change lately in the child’s life? E.g. birth of younger sibling, starting kindergarten / preschool, problems in kindergarten / preschool, mom / dad starting / changing job, moving to a new apartment, illness or death in the family…

Wetting the bed after having been stably dry for months can be the symptom of some sort of regression due to an internal crisis / trauma, caused by some event like the above. Or it can be the result of a plain physical condition, like a urinary infection.

To prove or close out the latter, you need to take her pee to a lab for a urine test. If it is positive, you will get antibiotics to cure the infection. The cure may take a couple of weeks, but after that hopefully the problem gets solved.

If there is some internal crisis in the background, you need to be patient, discuss the issue with the child and spend extra personal time with her if she requires it. If she feels safe and loved, she will usually process things in a couple of weeks and then keep her bed dry again. However, if the condition prevails longer, you may want to seek help from a child psychologist or doctor.

Question

My 5 year old daughter is crying every time she is told no. It doesn’t matter if it is a little thing or a big thing she is asking for–she cries. We don’t give in to her crying.
We have tried several things to change the behavior. We have had her go sit in her room and cry it out, talked to her about making a better choice and thinking “no big deal, maybe I can next time”, modeled better behavior, and asking her what she thought her friends would do in her situation. Nothing seems to work. Any Ideas?

Answer accepted (score 25)

First of all, to kids that age it’s all “big stuff.” It makes them sad to not get their way, and crying is how they express their sadness. If I suddenly discovered a way to make my children not want to cry in the first place, I don’t think I would use it.

That being said, at best crying forces everyone around you to give excessive attention to you and your feelings, and at worst bullies people into giving in, and so is basically antisocial. What I try to do is validate the feeling, but correct its expression with an explanation. “You’re sad because you wanted a cookie, but it’s not nice to make everyone listen to you cry. If you want to cry, please go to your room.” Sometimes they choose to stop crying, and sometimes they choose to go to their room.

Of course, that’s easier said than done when they do it all the time. In reality, I’m nice about it the first time or two every day, then get progressively terser as I get progressively more annoyed, but the nice way tends to work the best.

Answer 2 (score 23)

I just want to share a slightly different perspective on this one. I totally agree with Karl that its “all big stuff” and that handling things “the nice way” is usually going to work best for you.

However, I want to offer a perspective I don’t already see here: For any social human (which is really all of us) a big part of our psychological validation is just feeling understood - it is actually a need once the physical needs like food and shelter are met. It is why children that don’t get touched fail to thrive and why humans constantly search for love and validation. A cold hard no, that doesn’t acknowledge in any way the wish of the child is likely to leave a kid feeling that their wishes don’t matter or not understood.

Please don’t take this to mean I think you shouldn’t say “no” far from it!

What I am saying is that it is important to find a way of letting your child know you understand and empathize while you say “no” - at least some of the time. I suggest the following steps be taken while using an even, loving, but not patronizing voice. A voice that expresses empathy but remains very down to business and isn’t concerned over prevention or stoppage of crying:

• first express back to your child what it is she is after.

“Honey, I know you would like a cookie.”

• Follow your acknowledgement with what your ultimate goal is:

“I want you to be healthy and that means eating things other than cookies too.”

• Then, Offer up a Win-Win solution whenever possible

“After you have had five bites of all the things I am serving for dinner, you can have a cookie.”

I also understand there will be times when a win-win solution is not possible. However, there is often a workable, “winning solution” anyway

“Honey, I know you want a cookie right now. I want you to be healthy. You have already had five cookies today so you’ve used up your sweets rations for today. What healthy treat would you like to have instead? I have grapes, raisins or strawberries available for you.”

(I know the vocab I’m using here may be a little high-brow for a five year old. Obviously, put it into your own words)

Or, for those times when a win-win or winning alternative are not available of course you can pull the parent card - but this is something that should only be needed in increasingly rarer and rarer circumstances.

Since your daughter is five, You can even begin to enlist her in helping figure out the win-win solution which will help her learn a certain amount of independence and gain some problem solving skills and practice as she searches for a workable answer that takes your wants/needs/wishes/objectives into account as well as her own (don’t expect miracles here, modeling and guidance is needed at first, but you are setting yourself up for a much more agreeable time with her when she is a teen if you start training her in this art now - of course, even then I wouldn’t expect miracles). The way you put this to your daughter might sound something like:

“I know you would like a cookie right now. I want you to be healthy and it is my job to teach you how to make healthy choices. I am concerned you have already had too many sweets today. Can you come up with an alternative solution that meets both our needs? You get a yummy snack, that is also healthy?”

You may find that she still cries (especially at first), but in my experience, if you stick with it long enough, the crying will abate and be replaced with attempts at finding win-win solutions with you most of the time

You haven’t hurt anything by prepping your child with an acknowledgement and a request for a win-win instead of a flat out “no.” Respond with the same emotionally neutral but loving tone you’ve already been using.

“Wow, I see that you feel really sad about this. I offered up the best compromise I could think of and unfortunately, crying won’t actually help you at this point.”

Sometimes, If I think there is a chance I am missing something in regard to what is upsetting the child, I might add at the end of that,

“Try a deep breath. Can you tell me what need you have, I haven’t met?”

That last one can be dangerous to use because it can result in a heightening of the crying/emotive outburst so use it with caution. However, I do find it helpful in those situations where I really am having trouble figuring out what it is that is wanted or wrong.

For kids that just can’t get a hold of themselves:

“You look like you could use some time to yourself to work through your disappointment. Would you like a quick hug before you go? We’ll see you back here again when you are ready.”

In regard to the “your child shouldn’t get anything for this behavior” sentiment, I agree - If, it truly is a matter of a child honestly and with intention attempting to manipulate you.

If, after your efforts toward understanding, your child simply won’t budge (and consistently) - then yes, your child is behaving stubbornly and should be dealt with accordingly. At this point, on the occasions when a child has cried and then come back at me with the exact same request and is crying, begging, pleading, or throwing a tantrum about it, that is when I simply say.

“Negotiation time over. Your decisions are not geared for a win-win.”

and then the child does not get what he or she wanted or any sort of compromised “half way”, and gets some time alone in whatever place is most appropriate for the age (Room, time-out spot, etc etc).

The “Sales Pitch” (so to speak) If you think about it, this is much more true-to-life way to handle agreements/disagreements anyway. When an adult makes a request that keeps both party’s goals in mind, that adult is a lot more likely to make the sale, get the bargain, figure out the compromise, maintain healthy, happy friendships/relationships, etc. than someone that just throws their weight around trying to get what they want no matter the expense to everyone else. It solves a problem for you and teaches your kid an important life skill through modeling and practice.

I recommend two great books you may find helpful and from whence much of this answer is inspired:

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families (and its child oriented compliment The Seven Habits of Happy Kids as well as the Seven Habits Blog)

and

How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk

Know that you are far from alone in the battle, we are all cheering you on, and that in the end, you have your child’s health and well-being at heart - eventually, your child will come to a place in life where she will come to understand that - even if it is 30-40 years from now :-)

Answer 3 (score 4)

This is one of the hardest things to get right. I find myself saying “no” and not really meaning it. This type of “no” conveys “not right now, but maybe if you keep carrying on about it, it’ll be yes.” Most of the time these types of “no’s” function well. The child knows when to carry on and when not to under normal circumstances.

But every once in awhile, they don’t quite get the message and a more forceful response is needed. This is when a “no” takes on the meaning “No, absolutely not. I don’t care how hard you cry or what you think on the subject, The answer is no.” I do this in a way that is abundantly clear and unmistakable to understand. I look them in the eye, I say “no” in a deeper tone of voice, all while signing the word “no” (in American sign language). I metaphorically draw the line clearly in the sand which they know they cannot cross.

Once doing this, the hardest part is being consistent. I try not to give an absolute “no” unless I have no other option, as I know I will have to enforce it 100% of the time or it will lose its power (or at least enforce it 98% of the time). If the child whines and carries on about the issue, I give them the option of crying in their room. If they continue crying, I then take them to their room.

Testing behavioral boundaries and limits is a normal part of life. When boundaries are clearly expressed to children, they will be much more likely to stay within them (and, of course, test them).

I would also check on the other children she hangs around. One of the children in our daughter’s class had a few bad habits my daughter picked up. Once we found the source, we were able to treat the problem.

Question

My little girl started sleeping all night long when she was 3mo. She was sleeping from 11:00PM to 7:00AM, without waking up.

Shortly after she turned 4mo, she woke up during 2 days, screaming and crying, and we thought she was beginning to dream.

Now, 5mo old, she has begun to wake up twice every night. Not at the same time, though; there is a 1 hour variation. Her diapers are a bit wet, but just as they were previously. She begins to make noises, the she begins to cry a little, and I wake up, change her diapers, she breastfeeds for some 15 minutes, and we put her in her cradle again. After about 5 minutes she falls back to sleep

Is this normal? I read somewhere that after 4mo she would do this, since she would begin to dream, but I can’t find the source anymore.

And how long does this take? :)

Answer accepted (score 4)

I have seen so many different ages quoted for the start of dreaming that I have given up on determining when it actually starts. For example in Parenting sleep expert Jodi Mindell says that newborns may actually be dreaming in REM sleep, though only in images and not in words, but nightmares probably don’t begin until 2 or 3. Again researchers are reported according to this pediatrician to have shown that newborns dream but nightmares don’t begin until around 3. According to Scientific American some scientists believe that while REM sleep occurs in newborns dreams don’t happen until much later.

There are many factors which can cause poor sleep around five months of age. While the majority of babies will probably not get teeth until a couple months later some babies genuinely are teething at this age and during the week or so around cutting teeth may experience difficulty sleeping. A pediatrician I know pointed me to this recent study which showed that the correlation between tooth erruption and the symptoms parents most commonly consider to be teething symptoms is statistically significant.

Another factor is the experience of a mental developmental leap in the weeks leading up to the six month birthday. Wonder Week 26 is the name given to this leap by the researchers who describe it. During this leap your child begins to understand distances and separation, including the fact that you are distant from your child and the fact that your child is actually quite a small infant. This can be very alarming information to someone who has not understood it before and can cause restless sleep as your child processes it. This leap forms the roots for separation anxiety which may plague your child anytime between now and 18 months.

Another cause of wake-ups may be an inappropriate nap schedule. Children at this age should be on two or three naps. A child on two naps will have around 3 hours between sleep periods. A child on 3 will have up to 2 1/2 at this age. Your child should have a maximum of 9 hours total awake during 24 hours at this age according to this chart. If your child has just dropped his or her 3rd nap or is showing signs (such as extended play before naps or very short naps of 30-45 minutes each) of needing to drop a nap then the total daytime awake time will be lower during the nap transition. If your child is having sleep disruptions but not ready to drop to 2 naps you may need to do a little nap limiting so your child can still fit in 3 naps. A common 3 nap schedule is 1.75-2 hours from morning wake up to first nap, 2-2.25 between nap #1 and nap #2, 2.25-2.5 hours between nap #2 and nap #3, 2.25-2.5 between nap #2 and bed. Once it takes 2.5 hours or more for your child to reach his or her first nap then it is time to consider switching to 2 naps.

Between four and six months of age your child may begin to exhibit the signs of readiness for solid foods. You may want to discuss with your pediatrician whether or not it is time to start your child on solid foods. Though rice cereal and other grains have been shown to have no effect on infant sleep, some mothers theorize that filling solids containing fats and proteins do help children not be hungry at night. Note that this theory is entirely based on parental experience and I have absolutely no studies to back it up.

The important thing about these wake-ups may be less what causes them and more your reaction to them. Your reaction will depend very much on your nighttime parenting philosophy. Attachment parents believe that your constant soothing of an upset child is required for emotional health and will usually respond by bedsharing, night feeding, and other soothing tactics. These parents trust research which says that very hands-on parenting leads to more emotionally stable individuals later in life.

Parents who follow the Weissbluth Method, the Ferber method, sleep help fading, or other sleep training methods have a different philosophy. They have read the studies on the importance of age-appropriate sleep amounts and sleep consolidation and seek to promote sleep for the whole family. It is important for these families to continue to use a variant of their chosen method to encourage independent sleep during sleep disruptions. If a family has sleep trained their child using the Ferber method and then begins bedsharing or nursing back to sleep during a disruption it sends a conflicting message to the child - sometimes if the child cries he or she will be helped to sleep and sometimes not. This creates an inconsistently reinforced habit of night waking. Inconsistent reinforcement of a habit creates the strongest habit! So if you already have a method you have used to get your child sleeping through the night, do not change it due to these wakings.

If you have just been rolling with your child’s good sleep up until this point, now is the time when you need to decide how to handle night wakings. Do you want to comfort to sleep at this age and up until a later age? Do you want to implement some form of sleep training? Do you want to wait ten minutes to see if your child can settle, then do a check for diaper changes and hunger, then sit in the room until your child falls asleep? Figure out what is sustainable for your family and what your doctor recommends and do that.

Answer 2 (score 1)

Children generally wake up in the night if they are hungry, need a diaper change, or simply aren’t tired. From your post it doesn’t sound as if she is hungry, or needs a nappy change, so the likely explanation for your child waking in the night is that she is getting too much sleep in the day, and isn’t tired enough to sleep through.

As children get older they need less sleep in total, and children will need fewer or shorter naps during the day. You could try shortening one of your child’s naps by 30 minutes in the day and see if that improves the situation.

Answer 3 (score -3)

Your baby is waking up because he’s hungry! Probably ready to start weaning! Try a bit of baby rice cereal before bed with last feed, I’m having the same thing with my 4 1/2 month old and it seems to have worked.

Question

Our 5 month old generally gets her head down somewhere in the early evening. We lie the sleeping lump on the bed face up, and she snoozes. Then she rolls over onto her tummy and wakes up. She’s at the stage where she’s perfectly happy to be on her tummy while awake, if a bit frustrated when trying to crawl (currently she sort of drags herself where she wants to go). However, in the middle of the night, there’s normally an exhausted cry for attention, which escalates until we pick her up and either hold her or feed her. At which point she falls asleep again and the cycle continues.

It’s driving my slightly-more-easy-to-wake partner to the edge of sanity, and I’d like to save her without joining her on the edge myself.

How can we get our daughter to either not roll over, or to not wake up when she rolls over?

EDIT: An assumption made by most of the answers so far is that she’s not sleeping in a cot at the end of the bed. I appreciate that if we move the cot, we “reduce the problem to one that’s already been solved”, but we’re not quite ready for that.

Answer accepted (score 4)

As previous posters have pinpointed the problem (you really want her to be able to go back to sleep on her own), there’s no need for me to belabor that point.

However…

Realize that when you mention to your partner that you want to allow your child to CIO (cry it out) you will probably receive a ton of push-back from your partner. It is not in a Mommy’s nature to simply listen to her child scream without some type of intervention–and I can tell you from experience that there will be screaming before all is said and done. Having said thus, your partner’s enthusiasm for the plan will probably not be equal to yours regardless of her level of sleep deprivation, and could land you in the position of being Sleep-Trainer-in-Chief simply because your partner won’t be able to stand it.

Those are my caveats. Sleep training is never simple or easy and typically results in more sleep deprivation before all is said and done. If you find that your partner is not on board with this whole CIO thing, there are some other alternatives you can try. They will not teach your daughter to go back to sleep on her own (she will learn this eventually on her own, I promise you, but just FYI, my 4-year-old will still sometimes spontaneously appear in our bedroom in the middle of the night), but will hopefully allow you and your partner to get some sleep.

1. If your daughter is only waking up once per night, you and your partner need to alternate nights. Unless there is a pressing need for your partner to be the one to get up (like she needs to nurse), alternating nights is an easy way for you both to at least get a solid 8ish hours a few nights a week. As I told my husband when our oldest was born, “You helped create this child, you will be getting up with him in the middle of the night, too”.
2. If she is waking up multiple times during the night, then you still need to alternate. Additionally, if your daughter is waking up multiple times during the night, it is unlikely that rolling over is the cause of her wakings every time. If you can identify some of the other causes of her wakings, then you might reduce the number of times she wakes up anyway.
3. You can bring her back to bed with you. This probably isn’t ideal for you, but if she is a kid who will peacefully fall right back asleep between mom and dad then it might be a good alternative for now just so you can get some sleep. There is no shame in it; you’re just trying to get some sleep–and in the first year of life after a baby joins your house, sleep is elusive and precious. Some kids love this, some kids don’t. You just have to try it to see what works.
   1. My disclaimer: I am not a doctor. You know your child and whether or not this would be a safe thing to try: I assume if she can roll over onto her stomach then she can also roll over onto her back from her stomach. If so, then you might try putting her to bed on her stomach. That way, there is no rolling over onto her stomach–she’s all ready there! Both my kids LOVE sleeping on their stomachs.
   2. Establish a bed-time routine starting now. It might not be the rolling onto the stomach that upsets her, but the disorientation of not knowing how she got from daddy’s arms to her bed. You know what time she starts getting tired. Start a bedtime routine that involves her falling asleep in the room where she’s going to be sleeping (your room, her room, whatever). You may have to carry her/walk with her/rock her to get this to happen at first, but you can then start transitioning her over to falling asleep in the bed she’s going to be sleeping in. This can also be helpful if your partner puts her foot down and says “No, absolutely no crying-it-out in this house”. From here, it should be easier to incorporate some of the more gentle sleep training solutions like The No Cry Sleep Solution, for example, or Dr. Sears who doesn’t really advocate sleep training at all.

Answer 2 (score 3)

I think you’re looking at this the wrong way. The problem is not that she wakes up but that she can’t self-comfort herself back to sleep. She’ll grow out of this on her own.

Until then, when she wakes she needs to know that you’re “there” for her. Go in, pick her up and comfort her until she stops crying, then put her back down and leave. If she starts to cry when you put her down or while you’re leaving, ignore her.

If she continues to cry for 5 minutes, repeat the above. Then wait 6 minutes. Then 7. Then 8. Crying will not hurt her though it may break your heart (or at least keep you from sleeping). This is sometimes called “controlled crying”.

By doing this she knows that she’s not isolated and that her parents are always around but also learns that being alone isn’t a problem. I went through this for about two weeks (though it felt like two months) with my son when he was weaned off mid-night feedings.

If sleep-deprivation is really bad, then the two of you should alternate sleeping somewhere quiet for a night. Don’t change her sleeping arrangements.

Answer 3 (score 1)

CIO (Cry It Out) works perfectly and all schedules are best started as early as possible. I dont have an article to quote, just experience. I swaddle my son and he doesnt roll over/and sleeps throughout the whole night and has since a surprising 2 months. He stays up 90% of the day to make up for that though (haha). About CIO hurting the baby, I firmly believe it all depends. Studies do show that it helps develop thier lungs and helps prevent asthma/related issues. I caught a glimpse of that article. Wish i could find it again, but nonetheless I know this is a “bit” of an old post. Hope whatever you chose helped :P

Question

I’m exclusively breastfeeding my baby, and occasionally give him pumped bottles. I generally try to warm them up before giving them to him, at least to room temperature. (I was once told as a tip to get babies used to room-temperature bottles right away, just in case sometime you don’t have a way to heat it up…) Sometimes, though, he is frantically crying as I’m trying to warm up the bottle… Is it ok to give him a cold bottle? He doesn’t seem to mind, and drinks the whole thing. Are there any problems with feeding a 2-3 month old a cold bottle?

Answer accepted (score 19)

The biggest risk is that the baby won’t drink it. If your baby is content to drink cold milk, then it is perfectly fine.

I couldn’t find any online resources from medical professionals discussing it, but I did find that you are not alone in your situation :) Lots of other mothers have had this same dilemma, and many in that discussion shared that they have not run into any problems (aside from some babies simply not liking their milk cold).

Edit: I found this link which references a chart that indicates how long breast milk can be stored at room temperature. Depending upon your pumping schedule, you may be able to simply keep a bottle out for that “I need food NOW” moment.

Answer 2 (score 8)

I did find research on the effect of milk temperature on preterm infants at http://milkbank.com/pdf/Stanford_Study_milk_feeding_temperature.pdf

A summary of the results included the following statement: The infants in this study had a similar tolerance (as measured by gastric residuals) to both cool temperature milk (10°C) and room temperature milk (24°C). Based on these data, there appears to be no advantage to warming frozen or refrigerated milk to room temperature.

The study did reveal better tolerance for warmed milk for these fragile infants.

Answer 3 (score 3)

Yes, you can feed your baby a room-temperature bottle.
No, you should not feed your baby a fridge-temperature bottle.

The reason is that infants are very small bodies, so temperature differences are more significant to them than to older kids or adults.

Infants can’t handle a steaming hot cup of tea, just like they can’t handle milk that’s just a few degrees above freezing. The closer to the natural body-temperature their food is, the easier they can handle it.

By the way, the same idea applies to bath water. (For bathing, not drinking!)

Question

When my son was under 11 months old, he ate a lot, but I don’t know what changed when he reached 1 year old. It seems like he doesn’t like to eat. When we give our son food, sometimes he tries to taste or eat it a little, but then refuses to eat it. I heard from a neighbor that the he may be bored with the food, so we served him different food, but he still doesn’t seem to be interested. We also tried to change the way we gave the food to our son, but that didn’t solve the problem either. One thing that keeps me a little more calm is that lately he more often asks to be breastfed. Maybe this is caused by his eating less solid food.

I’ve heard that this phase is pretty normal for all children. What has actually happened to our son in this phase? What makes him not want to eat the food we give him? He has asked for food, but then doesn’t eat it. Is it enough that we focus on giving him more in breastfeeding? Because when he doesn’t eat as much solid food, he asks for breastfeeding more often.

Answer accepted (score 13)

If he won’t eat he’s probably not hungry. Around one their growth slows down and they eat a bit less, and if he’s still getting breast fed then he’s probably getting enough calories from that he doesn’t need solid food. So if you want him to eat:

• Stop breast feeding and bottle feeding so he will be hungry for solids
• Introduce a variety of foods, and make some of them finger foods so he can eat them himself
• Don’t try and force-feed, that will put him off food. Kids that age want to take more charge of their eating, so encourage him to eat himself

Answer 2 (score 4)

Ellyn Satter’s Division of Responsibility in Feeding is extraordinarily helpful here. For toddlers through adolescents it is:

• The parent is responsible for what, when, where
• The child is responsible for how much and whether

Parents’ feeding jobs:

• Choose and prepare the food
• Provide regular meals and snacks
• Make eating times pleasant
• Show children what they have to learn about food and mealtime behavior
• Be considerate of children’s food inexperience without catering to likes and dislikes
• Not let children have food or beverages (except for water) between meal and snack times
• Let children grow up to get bodies that are right for them

Children’s eating jobs:

• Children will eat
• They will eat the amount they need
• They will learn to eat the food their parents eat
• They will grow predictably
• They will learn to behave well at mealtime

[source]

Your responsibility when your child goes through a low-eating phase is to continue offering the kids of foods your child should be eating (with consideration to their preferences without your becoming a short-order cook) at mealtimes and age-appropriate snack times. When your child chooses to eat a bite or two or not eat at all, relax. Put the food away. Wait until the next meal or snack time. Offer again. Don’t force your child to eat more or less than they desire as this just sets you up for feeding battles. Just relax, manage your feeding responsibilities, and let your child manage his or hers.

Do know that when children are going through major developmental changes they may temporarily lose interest in food. If this is the case it often comes roaring back with a vengance once the developmental changes are over.

Question

I am a 20 year old female student and I have a 5 year old son who is really sexually active. For instance, he kisses girls by force, he forces them to lick his penis, he “fingers” them, he speaks about sex openly with everyone except me, his father and my family.

There is a whole lot more that he does and the most frustrating part is that when teachers ask him where he saw those things, he says he learned it from me. We do not even live together. Currently I am in Cape Town doing my degree and he is in KZN with my mother.

Since he was 8 months old, he went to live with his father because I had to finish high school. We never lived together. We have tried talking to him and it hasn’t helped. We’ve punished him but still he keeps on getting worse. What should I do? I am really angry, embarrassed and confused. If I am not mistaken, this is his third year acting like this.

Answer accepted (score 123)

You absolutely need to seek professional help.

The fact that he is forcing other children to perform sexual activities indicates that this is a VERY serious problem that you need to address immediately.

Try to find a psychologist, councilor, or social worker who specializes in working with children. If they feel they aren’t the right people to help you, at the very least they can provide you with referrals to help find the appropriate professional to help your son.

Answer 2 (score 62)

Overly sexual behavior for kids is abnormal and often a sign of sexual abuse. You must seek professional help, and based on its conclusions, you may have to involve the law.

Answer 3 (score 35)

Well, it came from somewhere. Someone, at some point, showed him those things in the best case or did such things to him in the worst case.

Can’t throw accusations around and it doesn’t really matter now - the damage has been done, and must be fixed as soon as possible by professional help as suggested in this other answer.

What I wanted to add is that in such age this is unlikely that the child already has “sexuality” of his own and enjoys what he’s doing in a sexual way. More likely that for him it’s just a game which he learned and came to like. We can’t really know it though, unless we ask the child himself.

That said, in the future this might cause serious problems, so it better be addressed seriously as soon as possible.

Question

In his now 26 months of life, he has probably slept all the way through the night 15, maybe 20 times. They seemed to be an irregularity, never happened two nights in a row.

He is a easy as pie to put to bed. We eat dinner, then brush teeth, read some books, and then to bed. He almost always goes straight to sleep. Or, if not, talks to himself for a bit and then goes to sleep. Either way, parent intervention at this point is very unusual.

At his best, he was waking up maybe once a night. It usually followed a pattern. Say, 12:30 am every night. Then after 3 weeks his patterns might change, maybe wakes up at 2:30 every night.

Lately, it’s 3 times a night. It happens 1:30-2 hours, almost like at the end of a sleep cycle.

He will sometimes get himself back to sleep. I feel like I’ve gotten a pretty good feel for when this is going to happen, and when it won’t. Unfortunately, this is very much the exception, and not the rule.

When we go into his bedroom, it is very minimal interaction. I usually won’t even talk to him. I re-position him in his crib, give him his pacifier back (it is usually lost at this point), and then re-cover him with a blanket. I can be in there for maybe 5 seconds, and that’s all it takes, and he’s good. Until 2 hours later when he wakes back up again.

It almost seems like he is waking up at the end of every sleep cycle. And, instead of sleeping through that, or rolling over and going back to sleep, he starts crying/fussing, and won’t stop until the 5 secs I spend to do the blanket/pacifier.

After 2 years, we are at our wits end. I just don’t know what to do. Some things we have tried:

• No blanket (we live in a hot/humid area, air conditioner is set to 74 at night)
• With blanket (a super-soft fleece, or sometimes a very-light single-layer sheet type blanket (think those thin swaddling blankets).
• When he was younger, tried leaving a sippy cup of water (never once used it)
• With stuffed animals, with none
• With pacifier. This has always been a must for him. Per the suggestion of his pediatrician at his 1 year (or was it 15 month?) checkup, he said just put some extras in his crib. If he loses it, he’ll have a better chance of finding one on his own. This completely backfired, as he now expects to have one in his mouth and at least one in his hands. I’m not sure if this is related to his sleeping problem or not, as he had a problem even before this.
• With a slightly cooler AC setting. Though, in the winter we keep the house at 67 or so, and the problem persisted over last winter.
• I’ve tried just poking my head in the door and telling him to go back to sleep, instead of doing the blanket/pacifier routine. The idea being to break him of the need of that help from us. This usually doesn’t work. Sometimes he’ll calm down for 15 mins, then just start fussing again.
• We run a small box-fan in the room. It is slightly pointed at him. It’s been a while since we’ve tried without. maybe I’ll try that again tonight.
• I’ve tried letting him cry it out a bit. He just works himself into a state that takes him even longer to get to sleep once we are trying to help. Once or twice even vomited he was so worked up (he seems to be a very… mucousy cryer. Ends up coughing on it, then vomitting)

We just don’t know what to do. It’s important for everyone involved to get a good night sleep. This recent bought of waking 3 times a night is incredibly difficult to deal with. Any suggestions would be welcome. Help us, please!!

Answer accepted (score 8)

We gave our son a pacifier when he was about 7mo, thinking it would help him sleep [etc], but it actually meant that he would wake up when it fell out of his mouth. So, it caused more problems than it solved. We weaned him off the pacifier quickly, replacing it with a soft toy-type thing (http://www.cuski.com/) which he chews instead. He still sleeps with it now, at 2.3 years, and was invaluable when he was teething. Basically we regret ever offering him the pacifier!

The other thing we did was to always go through when he called (so he always knew we would be there if he was scared etc.) but as you’ve done, keep interaction to a minimum. It would always be me (Dad) as well, so always the same person, same soothing routine.

I guess I haven’t said anything you haven’t thought of - the only other suggestion I’ve got is checking the room’s humidity. We found our son slept better when the room had a decent level of humidity, too low and he’d wake up coughing.

Hope things turn around for you.

Answer 2 (score 5)

People don’t learn how to do things without practice. Learning to go back to sleep by yourself is no different. That means first you must decide if it’s more important for him to never have to struggle, or more important for him to learn this skill. The unfortunate fact of parenting is that it’s impossible to do both.

Other people have mentioned the pacifier is probably doing more harm than good. One way I have found helpful is to let them use the pacifier while you are rocking them to sleep, but to gently pull it out before you put them into bed. That way they don’t get freaked out when it falls out suddenly.

The other thing is to teach a strategy for putting himself back to sleep, practice the strategy, and incentivize the strategy.

Teaching should be annoyingly specific. Parents often skip a step they think is obvious. It’s not obvious to a two year-old. Even to my five year-old I have to give instructions like, “Stop crying. Lie down. Pull up the covers. Close your eyes. Go to sleep.” If I skip a step he doesn’t do it. And yes, when kids are only crying for attention they are usually perfectly capable of stopping when asked. For some reason it never occurs to a lot of parents to ask.

Practicing should be very consistent. Use the same words every time. Maybe make it into a song. Don’t skip the strategy “just this once” because you’re tired. The more consistent you are, the faster the learning will be. Have rehearsals at bed time.

Incentivizing means making him want to follow the strategy. If it’s more desirable to do it the old way, that’s what he will do. The easiest and most immediate incentive is probably your own presence. Call through the door for him to do the first step so you can come in. After he’s gotten that down, make it the first two steps, etc. After he has all the steps down with you on the other side of the door, wait longer and longer to go to his door. The gradual transition not only makes it easier on him, it also makes it easier on you.

Answer 3 (score 5)

People don’t learn how to do things without practice. Learning to go back to sleep by yourself is no different. That means first you must decide if it’s more important for him to never have to struggle, or more important for him to learn this skill. The unfortunate fact of parenting is that it’s impossible to do both.

Other people have mentioned the pacifier is probably doing more harm than good. One way I have found helpful is to let them use the pacifier while you are rocking them to sleep, but to gently pull it out before you put them into bed. That way they don’t get freaked out when it falls out suddenly.

The other thing is to teach a strategy for putting himself back to sleep, practice the strategy, and incentivize the strategy.

Teaching should be annoyingly specific. Parents often skip a step they think is obvious. It’s not obvious to a two year-old. Even to my five year-old I have to give instructions like, “Stop crying. Lie down. Pull up the covers. Close your eyes. Go to sleep.” If I skip a step he doesn’t do it. And yes, when kids are only crying for attention they are usually perfectly capable of stopping when asked. For some reason it never occurs to a lot of parents to ask.

Practicing should be very consistent. Use the same words every time. Maybe make it into a song. Don’t skip the strategy “just this once” because you’re tired. The more consistent you are, the faster the learning will be. Have rehearsals at bed time.

Incentivizing means making him want to follow the strategy. If it’s more desirable to do it the old way, that’s what he will do. The easiest and most immediate incentive is probably your own presence. Call through the door for him to do the first step so you can come in. After he’s gotten that down, make it the first two steps, etc. After he has all the steps down with you on the other side of the door, wait longer and longer to go to his door. The gradual transition not only makes it easier on him, it also makes it easier on you.

Question

This is about my second daughter, who is now 2 months old and happily smiling at me ^_^

An awful lot has happened with my 1^st daughter since she was born…I’ve forgotten quite a bit about the ages at which infants should start turning, lifting their heads, when they should be at what weight, etc.

But something tells me my second daughter is fast. Too fast, perhaps, which is why I’m asking this question here.

She’s been fast with everything so far. She was born in under 1 hour, doubled her weight in two weeks, started lifting her head almost immediately after birth (she can hold it up and control it completely now), and since a few weeks, when I lie her down in bed on her belly, she’s starting to show signs of wanting to go crawling.

But here’s the thing. Lately, she starts squirming and showing general signs of being displeased. There seems to be nothing in the world I can do to please her at that moment, except…help her stand on her legs. When I do that, she turns all smiles and becomes happy once again. Her stance is quite firm already; I can sometimes even let go for a sec (which she thoroughly enjoys, obviously).

Of course, as a good parent, I want to stimulate everything they indicate they are ready for. However, there’s this gnawing concern I have when letting my daughter stand like that…she’s barely 2 months old! I vaguely remember some doctor saying to me in the past that stimulating the legs, hips and back at too early an age can cause deformations later in life, because not all the cartilage has turned to bone.

Is this true? What should I do here?

Answer accepted (score 15)

Both my sons loved “standing” at an incredibly early age. My mother-in-law was horrified and assured us this would cause a bow-legged stance. Our pediatrician confirmed that leg or hip deformation is caused by nutritional deficiencies (vitamin D) or congenital defects, rather than too much weight on developing bones. (So the solution was to not let the boys pretend to stand when Nana was around… easy enough!) Ana’s link is great for laying out the issue :) Feel free to let her stand, jump, and bounce.

Ironically, and not necessarily relevant: All that infant standing had no bearing on their eventual walking. My older son was walking at around 11 months, his younger brother waited until almost 15 months. (Their legs were equally strong, but the littler just didn’t trust his balance as much.)

Answer 2 (score 13)

I had the exact same issue with my son. I Googled and found that pediatricians do not consider it problematic to let the baby hold up its own weight if it can, much to the delight of my little one. And to the horror of all other family members who come from countries where it’s almost considered child abuse :)

Question

My son is a very loving child and fun to be with usually….ever since he turned 12 he is suddenly the resident expert in the house on anything from how to drive a car to how become president. You sense the sarcasm here?

He loves to argue and thinks suddenly that every rule is meant to be broken. We have always had strict discipline in our home so this should not be a shock for him when he has a consequence for poor choices, yet he acts appalled and says all sorts of hurtful things. His favorite phrase is “well how do you know?”

He is a smart kid but get only c’s and b’s. The teachers are constantly after him to make more of an effort. His room is a disaster, he thinks he only needs to shower one time weekly and I feel as though I have become a nag nonstop!

I know it’s developmental, but how much do you let go and how much do you ride them for? I guess I never though teenage years started at 12! Any thoughts or suggestions would be helpful!

Answer accepted (score 23)

Adolescent behaviour (the official term for teenage years) can start as young as 10, so I wouldn’t worry that this is more than that, especially as that’s going to be enough to deal with over the next 6-15 years (yes, it’ll happily keep going into the mid-late 20’s).

There are millions of lines of text on how to deal with teenage misbehaviour, from the strict disciplinarian approach to the calm understanding. Start Reading.

The basics are generally to be consistent in your own behaviour, try to remember what it was like when you were dealing with your parents at that age, and don’t treat them like little children anymore, because they’re not, any more than they’re adults.

Now, the breakdown of your specific issues:

• The whole POINT of being a teenager is to start questioning the stuff you previously took for granted from authority, to get to the point where you can act as the authority. Making your own decisions and accepting the responsibility for consequences is all part of that. The key is to make it clear to him that if he wants the decision bit, he accepts the consequence bit.
• For the schoolwork, the general advice is to praise hard work rather than intelligence, because it’s been shown in studies that kids who are told that they’re “smart” do worse than those who are told that they “worked hard”. Beyond that, discussing with him why you think his grades matter and what you’re hoping from him might help.
• Making your room uncleanable is often an attempt to secure some privacy and keep the parents out. Point out to him that if he wants to have his room private, he needs to keep it above the biohazard threshold. That includes leaving the sheets out for laundry every couple of weeks, removing anything subject to decay (e.g. food, clothes, dead animals), and letting fresh air and light into it occasionally. If he’s willing to do that, YOU MUST NOT INVADE HIS PRIVACY IN THAT ROOM (break this, and he’ll never trust you again). Stick to your part of the deal, and warn him when you feel you “need to go in there just to clean a bit”. If he doesn’t live up to his end of it, you have a right to make sure your home is resellable at some point. Start doing a weekly purge till he works out that keeping you out of there is more important than avoiding an hour’s cleaning a week.
• The shower thing will vanish once he starts worrying about girls. If you want to speed it along, I recommend taking a family day out to the pool twice a week. As a bonus, keeps you healthy.

Answer 2 (score 7)

I, myself, have a 12 year old kid. What my experience with him has taught me is that when I talk to him as if he were a grown up, he responds much better.

I don’t tell him “you have to wash up.” Instead, I say “when you finish your shower, please bring your clothes to the washing machine.” When I want him to tidy up, I ask him to help me because I’m a bit tired.
I always compliment his appearance, such as: “oh, your hair is very shiny. I want to know how you wash your hair, because I want my hair to look like yours. Wow, today you look….” I never finish, but instead hug him. He acts shy, but he likes it.

What I am trying to say is that we know our children more than any others. We just have to improve our communication with them and move it to their level. We have to stop teaching them, and instead be their friend. Imam Ali said: “play with your children for 6 [years], teach them for 6, and be their friends for 6.”

I hope that I have helped you.

Answer 3 (score 6)

I promise you, it’s the age.

A lot of parents think “Oh, my kid is being so bad, what is wrong with him??” Nothing!!! It’s the hormones! It’s the “I’m going into high school, and I’m 12, and I like girls and blah blah blah.” You have to understand, he’s 12, there’s a lot going on in his life that he doesn’t want to tell you, or he doesn’t know how to handle.

When he starts to argue, just walk away. That’s what my mom did, she just walked away, and when I was able to calm down, we talked it out.

Question

The bleeding from a newborn girl’s vagina is completely normal, it happens due to hormones being absorbed by the baby while still in the womb.

How long can this bleeding last?

Does it come and go, or does it occur only once for a period of time?

Today morning during diaper change of our 12 day old we have noticed some blood and mucus coming from her vagina, and of course have cleaned it. During next diaper change (2 hours later) there was even more blood - even more than during the first few days after her birth when she also bled. Should we be worried?

Update:

My daughter is almost a year old now and we had no further problems. We’ve also then consulted with a pediatrician, she said it is rare (the blood appearing, disappearing and appearing again), but it happens. And unless there was a relatively large amount of blood (a major leak instead of a droplet) we sholdn’t worry.

Answer accepted (score 8)

Baby Center says if you still see some after six weeks mention it to your doc at your post-natal check. Even with real menstruation there can be a bit of an “ebb and flow” to it. The fact that it wasn’t there and then was probably doesn’t mean anything. In my experience it was only the first few days, but it probably greatly depends on how the birth occured/length of time etc. If you see a lot of blood or if it is gone for more than a week or two and then comes back I’d mention it to doc though.

http://www.babycentre.co.uk/a115/caring-for-your-babys-genitals

Answer 2 (score 1)

Its normal I guess, but still to be on safe side, I would recommend you take/show your daughter to the HV/ Doctor. One of my twins had a milky white discharge from her vagina two days after birth. I panicked and took her to the doctor, who said not to worry. Only if there is a foul smell coming from the discharge; then there may be an infection. As you said, its all due to hormones. Bleeding after birth or few days after is okay. What I want to know is: If it is just a few drops or heavy bleeding. If its the former,then its perfectly normal.

Dont worry. It will stop eventually. While cleaning her vagina, just spread the labia a bit and gently clean the creases with luke warm water and no need to dig deeper as it may hurt the baby.

Question

In our apartment complex we have fire alarms that are outrageously loud. Last night, we woke at 4:30 am to the alarm going off all through the building. We got out as quickly as possible, but I’m worried about my 4 month old. The alarm is loud enough to make my ears ring and even pretty far away from the building it was louder than I liked. The alarm rang for about half an hour and this is the second time it has happened since my son was born. How much noise does it take to damage hearing and can early hearing loss be recovered if you are not exposed to more noise?

Answer accepted (score 9)

Infants are especially susceptible to hearing damage from loud noises because their skulls are thinner, according to the Women’s and Children’s Health Network.

We are born with tiny sensors in the inner ear called “hair cells”. Throughout life, we lose hair cells very slowly resulting in frequent gradual loss of hearing with age. Loud noise can lead to the sudden death of many hair cells while exposure to prolonged noise results in continual and accelerated loss of cells. The cumulative effect of that loss results in earlier hearing difficulties for children who are exposed to damaging noise at a young age.

Therefore, safe levels can vary according to the duration of the exposure and the loudness level. Noises less than 75 to 80 decibels (the equivalent to noise in a restaurant or in city street traffic) should not cause hearing damage, according to The Children’s Hearing Institute. A normal conversation is about 60 decibels.

My research revealed that the suggested sound level for fire alarms is 5 to 15 dB above the normal sound level existing at the site with maximum at 110 to 120 db depending on the standard specs in different locals.

If the sound level of your alarms are above 80 dB (which is very likely) there is significant risk for you and your child’s hearing. If their loudness in is the 110-120 dB range the risk is even greater.

I’d recommend that you get ear protection for yourself and for your child that will be readily available to use when needed.

Per http://www.e-a-r.com/pdf/hearingcons/NIHLChildren.pdf there are no product specifications for hearing protection devices for children under age 5 years. The malleable (wax) ear plugs lose some of their protective quality in young children because the full amount will not usually fit in their ears. These plugs also present a swallowing and choking hazard. Other devices include corded plugs pinned to a child’s clothing and ear muffs.

In the end of the reference above, there are photos of devices available for children. I was impressed with the Natus MiniMuffs adhesive earmuffs recommended for NICUs during use of ventilators, MRIs or emergency transport.

The device you select should fit well and be comfortable with good sound blockage. The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency requires all products be labeled with a Noise Reduction Rating (NRR). The numbers are based on optimum fitting in idealistic conditions therefore it is recommended that the NRR be used as a guide that the device was designed and tested for noise reduction.

I applaud your awareness of the impact of noise on your child’s hearing! As a speech-language pathologist, I work with children and adults who suffer from the consequences of prolonged exposure to noise. Thank you for presenting such a timely and beneficial question to SE Parenting.

Answer 2 (score 4)

Sound volume is measured in decibels (dB). Hearing damage starts at 120 dB, although prolonged exposure to just 85 dB can also cause damage. Here is a chart that lists some relative values with examples. Damage can be temporary (e.g. disco), but if the noise was loud enough (e.g. explosion) then the damage can also be permanent. Talk to a pediatrician or your own doctor if you’re concerned about measuring and treating any damage that has potentially already been done. Read more about noise-induced hearing loss here.

However, it takes a lot less volume to make your ears ring (especially at the high frequencies used by fire alarms), so luckily your ringing ears are not an automatic indication of hearing damage.

Fire alarms are of course meant to be very loud, so that not even the deepest sleeper would overhear it. But I do not believe that they would be that loud as to cause actual hearing damage. Although it’s a fact that children’s ears are more sensitive than adults’ ears, I don’t think that a child’s ear is more easily damaged.

To prepare for future fire alarms, buy some disposable earplugs at your local pharmacy. The best ones are made from soft wax (the size of a small marble) that you heat with your fingers and push onto the ear; talk to the pharmacist for guidance concerning infants. You can also get regular headset-style ear protectors (used in e.g. factories). These are nearly as effective and more convenient to use, but more bulky to store.

Also, when the fire alarm goes off, move as far away as you can and/or go sit in the car with all the windows closed.

Question

There is a question “why do children wake up and cry immediately after being put to bed” already on this site, which has answers partly covering my question. But only partly.

How do I put my newborn (or, later on, infant) to bed without waking her? Can anyone recommend moves or other techniques which will give us a better chance of preserving her sleep?

Answer accepted (score 13)

When a newborn falls asleep, he or she falls first into a light sleep. If you wait 15-30 minutes (20 minutes is a good guess usually), your newborn will transition to deep sleep. A good test to see if your newborn is in a deep sleep is the floppy arm test. Pick up an arm and see how floppy it is when you gently let go. The arm of a newborn in light sleep is stiffer. The arm of a newborn in deep sleep is floppy. I used this on my daughter into toddlerhood on the occasions when she needed helping to sleep.

Once in deep sleep you can fairly easily transition even the lightest sleeping newborn. Now once that deep sleep phase ends and the newborn transitions back to light sleep, it might be game over. To handle the sleep cycle transition have you tried swaddling and incline sleep (a Fisher Price Rock ‘n’ Play, for example)?

Around 3-4 months infants fall into deep sleep first, usually over the course of 5-10 minutes. However along with this change comes many other changes to sleep and memory which can cause the process of “helping a child to fall asleep, then placing that child in a crib” to backfire for many kids.

Answer 2 (score 6)

Try to maintain whatever posture or position she’s in as you pick her up and put her down. Pay extra special attention to the head and neck – our most sensitive orientation and motion sensors are in our ears. I’ve found that for the lighter sleeping sessions it’s less likely to wake my own children.

That said, ultimately it depends on the child. My oldest is such a deep sleeper that I could just grab her and throw her into her bed from across the room and she wouldn’t twitch.

Answer 3 (score 4)

I’d suggest one hand around the back of the neck/head and the other under the bum. Keep her close to your body until she’s already laid in the cot.

Plan ahead and be sure there’s nothing between you and the cot/basket that might get in your way.

Also make sure that the temperature of her bed is fairly warm so she doesn’t miss your body heat so much. Sometimes keeping your hand on her a little while after you’ve put her down may help.

Question

We have a 2-month-old baby that will start crying as soon as we put her in the car seat and absolutely will not stop until she is out of it. She could be fed and asleep with a new diaper before the car ride, and it doesn’t matter. Almost immediately, she will cry. Having her suck on a pacifier helps but more often than not, the pacifier falls out after a few minutes.

And in fact, our oldest daughter acted in a similar way and didn’t stop until we had her front-facing. We thought it might be the car seat, but our pediatrican says that would be very unusual. My wife and I have talked about trying a new car seat, but that’s a lot of money to try something unproven. It’s gotten to the point where we don’t want to take her anywhere any longer. Help!

Answer accepted (score 16)

Many people get motion sick when moving backwards for any length of time. I suspect that this might be the case for your daughter because her older sister did better once she was front-facing. If this is the case, the second your daughter hits the car seat, she knows that horrible feeling is coming, but she doesn’t know why or how to tell you.

I would test this by putting your daughter front-facing for a small trip (use a parking lot if your locality doesn’t allow children your daughter’s age to face front on public streets). If she does fine facing front, you have a choice between a motion sickness remedy and facing her frontwards as a rule; I’m sure that both your locality’s car seat regulations and your pediatrician’s advice would inform that decision.

Here is a link to the car seat laws for US states.

Answer 2 (score 9)

Both of our daughters did this, and it wasn’t just the car seat, it was strollers too. They hated to be strapped into something. We made sure the straps weren’t hurting them in any way. One thing our pediatrician suggested was to make sure that we didn’t just feed them before putting them in a stroller or carseat because the sitting position could be uncomfortable with a full belly.

My theory though, was that they just didn’t want to be set down, separated from their mom. My wife is a stay-at-home mom, and the girls were used to being around her all the time, and if they needed something, they could cry (0-6 months old) and mom could fix it for them - except in the car seat. I think my girls were upset because they wanted to be held, and knew mom was sitting right by them but wouldn’t pick them up.

We became nearly anti-social during these periods of our girls’ lives because driving anywhere with them nearly drove us insane.

One day, I finally recorded my second daughter in the car. This was a 45 minute car ride, and I am not even joking - she screamed like this the whole time. We made the mistake of pulling over and trying to comfort them one time - yes, they stopped crying as soon as we had them out, but then we had to put them back in to finish our trip and the screaming was 10 times worse. If we were going to make the trip, it was best to make it as quick as possible. This sounds harsh, but we made sure that everything in the seat (we tried different seats too) was comfortable, they weren’t in pain, etc. I really believe they were just mad that we weren’t picking them up when they cried - in fact, I even called my 3 month old daughter spoiled on one or two of these trips! :)

They eventually grew out of it. Our first born still did this on occasion until she was about 14 months old (even in a front-facing carseat). Not consistently, but when she got it in her head that she wanted out of the carseat, she would scream for the rest of the trip.

I guess this really isn’t an answer but more of a “You’re not the only one”. I can’t help but wonder if babies who are around their moms all the time are more prone to this?

I just had to share the recording too, so others could agonize like I did… Just crank up the volume and put it on repeat for 45 minutes ;)

Edit December 2015 I should add that we had a third child after I wrote this answer and he traveled in the exact same car seat as our first two children - he never screamed or even fussed. That leads me to believe that it wasn’t due to an uncomfortable carseat, but more the personalities of the our first two children.

Answer 3 (score 7)

Do you have a mirror in your car - the type that attaches to the headrest to let you see the baby? When I removed the mirror, my son was much better about crying in the car seat. The mirror does some perspective distortion and I imagine it is confusing seeing things in reverse for them. I also removed the headrest from directly behind the car seat which helped him see out the back window more.

Question

My wife pumps and puts the milk in the fridge if it’s not time for a feeding. We have to supplement with formula because the baby drinks about 4 more ounces a day than she makes. Feeding from the breast never worked out.

Anyway, the problem is, sometimes, we get the breast milk out and heat it up (running hot water over it or just holding it in warm hands) and the milk looks curdled. We just throw it out and grab a different bottle of breast milk whenever that happens out fear that it has gone bad.

Why does that happen? Is the milk still safe? It’s never in the fridge for more than a day or so and we make sure to rotate them and even have some contraption where the new milk goes in one side and the oldest milk comes from the other side.

Answer accepted (score 15)

Breast milk will separate. Just lightly swirl it back together.

As long as you are following safe Breast milk storage guidelines the milk should be fine.

And please stop throwing it away, your wife worked hard to make that!

Answer 2 (score 5)

Milk bought in stores undergoes a process called homogenisation which ensures that globules of different sizes, which naturally exist in milk, are split into smaller pieces, which in turn allows the fluid to not separate when left on its own.

Breast milk is not homogenised, so larger fats will separate from smaller fats, all fats will separate from proteins and proteins will separate from water. In time, a gradient of heavier-larger molecules on the bottom and smaller-lighter molecules on the top will appear. This is completely normal. In fact, it would be very strange if it didn’t happen.

You can just swirl the bottle a few times and the milk will be good as new:)

There are rules to how long can a milk be stored where:

• In the fridge (~4 degrees Celsius) - 2 to 5 days (varies depending on the source, 2 days will be safe for sure); it also depends on temperature, the lower it is, the longer the milk will remain fresh. Also, you shouldn’t keep the milk on the fridge door, since it’s the hottest there.
• It can lay up to 12 hours in room temperature.
• It can be stored in the freezer for up to 3 months.

Answer 3 (score 3)

On the keeping up with production front, it was suggested to me that I pump about 20 minutes BEFORE at least one regular feeding (like at bedtime for example) after the first month or so. It increases production to have so much demand all at once. Just an idea to try.

Question

My daughter is suffering from gas pains. We have taken steps to reduce them, which were moderately successfull. Still, I’d like to know when will baby’s gas pains go away?

When will the baby stop feeling pain during bowel movements and passing gas? What are your experiences? When did your children stop fussing/crying because of that?

Answer accepted (score 9)

My little girl had some hard times from 0 to 3 months. After 3 months and few days, it disappeared.

There weren’t much we could do to really stop it. We did some things to help, but somedays she would cry for one whole hour. The things that worked best were:

• a warmed-up towel, etc, over her stomach
• doing some massage by stretching her legs, then pulling it back over her stomach (slowly, of course)
• giving her a little bit more breastmilk (more times each day, smaller quantities each time)
• giving her a warm hug and walking, slowly, across the house, while speaking very low and very near her head, with a more grave voice
• give her some Simethicone - Mylicon or similar - drops, after authorized by our doctor.

And, specially, keeping calm. Hear her crying kind of urged us to do something, but as time passed by we learnt that it was something natural to her, so all we could do was comfort her. And wait for the magical 3 months, more or less.

Answer 2 (score 2)

Chamomile tea works on my little one, she is now 12 weeks and we definitely had our share of tummy troubles and still do, just not as often. I hope once she hits the 3 months it starts to go away, I also tried gripe water, warm baths and applying a heated (warm of course) towel that I would iron and press gently on her tummy.

Answer 3 (score 2)

Chamomile tea works on my little one, she is now 12 weeks and we definitely had our share of tummy troubles and still do, just not as often. I hope once she hits the 3 months it starts to go away, I also tried gripe water, warm baths and applying a heated (warm of course) towel that I would iron and press gently on her tummy.

Question

What’s best/better for the child in the long/short run - to have no father in his life or to have a “no-good” father in his life?

And by “no-good” I mean - mentally and financially unstable, irresponsible, irrational and alcoholic (in my opinion - not professionally diagnosed).

After reading the answer to post Sharing parenting/custody duties with an ex-partner, I can honestly answer NO to all those questions. BUT - this is my opinion. And I am sure my ex doesn’t think of himself that way.

I am struggling with the concept of my son having a right to have a relationship with his father no matter what kind of a father he is and no matter how damaging I think it might be for my son in the long run.

And.

Keeping my son safe and making sure he is growing up well-balanced, physically, emotionally and mentally healthy child, in a safe and stable environment - which would mean keeping him away from my ex.

Can I tell my son (if his father doesn’t seek visitation until then) - that when he reaches 18 years old he can seek out his father and get to know him and have whatever kind of relationship he wants with him. But until then try to fight his request for visitation (if it ever happens)?

My son is 4 years old now and doesn’t have visitation with his dad now. He saw him last when he was 2.5 years old. His dad had supervised visitation when my son was 1.5, but only came once and withdrew his court petition for visitation since then. Also I have a restraining order against him because he has zero respect for me and my boundaries and has been harassing me for years.

Thank you.

Edit: I have to add that I do not talk badly about my ex to my son. My son has a right to make up his own mind about the kind of person his father is and my opinions about my ex - have nothing to do with my son’s opinions about his dad and I keep those separate.

But, my son is starting to ask about his dad now - things like: where is he, and can we go visit him and why isn’t he here. And sometimes he says things like “my father doesn’t want/love me”. And it is heart breaking for me to hear him say things like that. So I reply with “Your father loves you. Of course he wants you. And he just lives far away and is working and cannot visit”. Which is partly true. I don’t want to lie to my son, but I also don’t want him to think that he isn’t loved or wanted. And I know that my son will always be curious about his dad, and that the response I have will soon get “old”, and I would need to come up with a better response.

Another addition: The reason this is a struggle for me is because I realize that I am not a perfect parent. That I make mistakes and that in some way I am sure some things I do - will have long term and possibly damaging effect on my son. I hope not - and I try my hardest not to make those mistakes but - I am not perfect and I can only do my best while striving towards a goal of raising a happy and healthy and stable, responsible, compassionate, etc. child.

So - how can I tell if not having a father at all is better than having an unstable father in my son’s life? Even if he (the ex) does things that are potentially long-term damaging - isn’t the benefit of having a father still outweighs it?

Answer accepted (score 21)

I won’t answer everything (short version - I think you’re doing the right thing on most levels).

• Do NOT badmouth the ex in front of the son. You made a very wise choice!

  For one thing, it won’t really help you long term. Second, it may cause damage to his own self-image as a man long term. For another, if you ever meet a man you want to be involved with romantically, he will find it one less worry about you (“if she badmouths her ex to her son, what if we have a child together and divorce, I’d get the same treatment”). Third, your son when he grows up will appreciate that you let him come up with his own conclusions.

• Don’t let the ex near if he’s truly a bad juju. Drugs, alcohol abuse, threats of violence. If you filed a restraining order for valid reasons, they are even more important reasons when it comes to your child’s safety.

• Make it clear that it’s not HIS fault the father isn’t around.

• As he grows older, start explaining the real situation. Be honest about WHY you made up a white lie earlier (“it is hard to explain to 3 year old what a drug addict is”) and apologize for any white lies.

But 3 suggestion I would make would be to

1. Put a high priority on finding a good father figure for your child.

   This does NOT need to be your romantic partner. It can be a male family member (your side, or in some rare cases even your ex’s side if he’s the weird one of the family). It can be a male friend. It can be a father of your kid’s playmates.

   That’s one thing that godfathers used to be for, but that doesn’t seem to be a popular institution anymore these days.

2. Ensure the ex pays child support.

3. Find a parenting “buddy”. Ideally male, it doesn’t much matter (full disclosure: idea stolen from my work’s parent support group), but someone who is a parent, single or not.

   This would be simply someone to listen to you. Hear out your rants. Serve as sounding board. Someone who you can tell your frustrations without bottling them up. Someone to offer advice as an outsider after hearing you out. Someone to validate the calls you make that you aren’t sure about. Opposite gender works better since they will provide a different perspective.

Answer 2 (score 10)

The reason this is a struggle for me is because I realize that I am not a perfect parent.

FYI: There is no such thing.

I got teary-eyed when I read your post. For 2 reasons: 1) I was raised in a household where my father was unbelievably violent and abusive, and 2) I, too, have had to balance a hard decision as my daughter’s mother is not one who appropriately fills the role of a mother. I was teary-eyed because as the once-child and now-parent, we want them both!

Finding a man (or father figure) and/or getting child support seem enticing, but, though they may be helpful, they do not solve the problem you and your son are facing: “Where’s daddy?” It is truly a heart-breaking question, both to ask and to need to answer.

In addition to what you have asked, there is what you have not asked: how do I handle the questions a father is meant to answer? My mother was in that position and (genders flipped, of course), I am also in that position. It is hard and uncomfortable for both.

My daughter came back to me when she was around 4yo and asked me what to do when mommy went into a place all night and she was outside and had to sleep in a bush, wrapped in a plastic bag. A discussion ensued thanking her for asking, explaining that calling emergency services at 9-1-1 was free, a police report… and a court filing meant her mother would not be able to put her in such a dangerous situation again. It is such things we all as good parents fear and hope to never experience.

Now, first, I would like to say that as you have expressed things, you are doing a superb job at doing what you can given the situation. Kudos! Doing the “right” thing is not always easy in such a situation.

Now, to answer your question directly: Your question has a bit of a flaw – it is not yes/no, but yes/no/partial. My rephrasing suggests my answer.

My daughter’s mother has many issues in her life, some similar to your son’s father. When she was younger and I was asked, “Where’s mommy? I want to talk to her. Is she ok? She doesn’t call me. Does she love me?” I replied (not a white lie b/c in your and my situation it is the truth), “The last time I talked to her, she was not well and needed to get help. She loves you, but must get better first. If you want to write her letters and save them, then I will make sure she gets them when she is feeling better. And, yes, she does love you… even though she can’t say it right now.”

For the questions asked that aren’t your field as a female, I can only offer that I seek the advice of my mother for the questions which aren’t my field as a male since her mother is not in a space to offer the proper support. When my mother is hospitalized, I seek the advice of a female doctor. Is it ideal? No. But it is what I can do, so I am sharing with you.

Now, I do not let my daughter live with her mother (I wrote the paperwork and it’s solid from a legal perspective); however, like you I want my child to have the best possible relationship with the other parent, so when her mother calls her I do not interfere with the call. When she was younger (she’s now 14), I would have her put the call on speaker phone to ensure the call did not become inappropriate.

You have great, strong, wonderful principles for parenting, so you understand the principle I am espousing: namely, allow interaction where it is safe and appropriate while guiding your son to a balanced view of life and filling his needs.

Answer 3 (score 3)

I know it is hard and I know it is nauseating to have your kids go with a dead beat, and as a parent we never want to see our children suffer or be hurt…but let that parent rise to the challenge. They will fail…but u will save them from the fantasy dad. I k ow it is harsh and I had to wait 5 years! But it was worth the wait.

My story is below…

My kids dad I a total looser. But the courts gave him the status quo. My ex was an abuser, rapist, drunk and dead beat who never worked (I was young, dumb & insecure)

I filed for divorce 4-5 years ago. My ex is an abuser, I fought for full custody, but the courts don’t care. I knew that abusers never change and it scared me to let them go, but it was court ordered.

The kids got thrown into a verbally abusive environment. But I didn’t have enough to go back to court. And at the end of the day…you cant reason with a selfish deadbeat. 2,years later, their dad was arrested for rape and has his throat slashed by a stripper. He was even featured on the news…. The courts still wouldn’t let me take my kids away from him, until he is convicted. The kids were so scared when they thought that their dad almost died…

I am actually glad he didn’t die… Not because I am nice, but because my kids would of had the “fantasy dad” as a memory. The dad the wanted , but never actually existed.

So, after his scar healed, he went back to his old ways. Since then he has punched my son, forced him to steel and they receive regular dysfunction and abuse. Protective services doesn’t care, they did nothing. My son ran away. AndThen I finally got full custody of him. now he only deals with his dad because he is forced to for a few hours a couple times a week. He knows his dad is a dead beat douche and a sorry excuse of a father … And the best part is…my son learned it and decided it on his own.

It has been an awful fight for these past years, always fighting in court and trying to save my kids. Watching the mental and physical abuse was the worst. And watching their disappointment is hard. they will know when they r over 18 who the good parent is and who isn’t a good parent. I just keep telling them. One day he will be a dad…and does he want to treat his kids the same way…

I know it is tough and it is not the plan any of us had, but we can only give them guidance and to be there for them when the pieces crumble.

Question

I am a single mom to a very good 5-year-old little boy … 90% of the time. About once a week, give or take, he has a meltdown and becomes violent (hitting, scratching, biting, throwing things, etc.).

I am desperate for help and started going to a counselor. She said I need to hold him until he calms down, but he doesn’t calm down. I have been using the holding technique (I sit behind him and use my legs to control his leg and my arms to restrain his arms. I have to be careful how I position or he will bite or head butt me, he often spits in my face.)

I finally had to spank him tonight. He would act like he was calming down and the minute I let go he would come after me and after about the fourth time he backed down and did a 5 minute time out. Then he is sobbing and wants me to comfort him. It seemed like the spanking worked better than the restraint and either way I feel terrible.

But then after he fell asleep he woke up two hours later hysterical and violent again. This time I locked myself in the room. Today at counseling I was told to get a gate of some sort because she said it is not safe to lock him in his room. Now I am locked in my room.

Is it ok to lock him in his room to protect himself and myself until he calms down? Please any help would be greatly appreciated regarding any of it. I am so scared and trying to cope alone.

Answer accepted (score 15)

I volunteer at ADHD and Aspergers syndrome vacation camps for kids. We hold raging kids and keep a rigid consequence structure that everyone follows (organizers included).

Usually after 2-3 everything calms down and the kids can have fun.

Holding is helpful to calm down a child but it does not fix the source of his tantrums. Write a contract with your child (I’m serious) where you state ground rules for each other. There are no exceptions to the rules. You can amend the contract but your kid has to take part in it.

The contract also has conditions for holding a child (e.g. when it beats other children even if they mock it) and when it can be released (usually after they count up to 10 slowly).

It usually lists consequences for misbehaving and not keeping simple responsibilities. We use squats and holding as consequences but sometimes it backfires at us as some kids are starved for contact and misbehave just to get someone to hold their hand.

We don’t use spanking and we always have someone around to help in case of an emergency. It’s hard to get other kids out of the room when you are holding one.

Reach out to someone that lives around and have them as backup. It’s hard to keep a kid in place when you are a fit man, let alone a woman.

When it comes to spanking… all camp staff signs a contract where we explicitly state that we will not inflict any violence to the children. This is pretty much self-explanatory as we personally can be sued but the org itself cannot.

We also get some abused children and it’s terrifying how deep scars it can leave.

Another thing we do is that we ditch using negations and verbs when commanding. Some ADHD kids are distracted pretty much all the time and telling them

Pen on table

if far more successful than

Could you please put down that pen?

Don’t forget adding some rules for fun stuff and gratification too. This is great for encouraging help around the house and keeping homework under control.

Lastly, seek help. If your counseling is not satisfactory reach out for second opinions.

The bottom line is that your kid has to know that you are in control of everything.

If someone questions your decisions in front of him it pretty much destroys your creditability and the sense of stability. Don’t argue, just delay the critique until you are sure your kid cannot overhear it.

Answer 2 (score 3)

You’re not alone

My son also went through a phase of intense/angry/violent tantrums. I used various ways to deal with this:

1. Take him to his room to let him yell, kick, thrash about without hurting himself or causing concern. This worked well many times as he just needed to ‘let rip’. I waited outside his room until he subsided and then knocked on the door to see if he was ready to talk. Eventually, he was, and we’d cuddle while he’d cry a little and tell me what was bothering him.
2. Went outside, to a large park, let him thrash it out there. Less private than his room, but if the tantrum was escalating while shopping, it was a good option.
3. Physical activity. I’ve observed that boys need a physical outlet, whether this be swimming, soccer, trampolining, climbing trees or just running about. He always felt a whole lot better after burning off some energy, especially if I turned this into a game - “I bet you can’t catch Daddy”… etc
4. Smacking does not work. If my son was frustrated and unable to express his frustration, smacking his bottom was completely pointless.
5. After the tantrum subsided, talking about what was upsetting him and why he had a tantrum was very productive - it was often something quite small like I’d missed his request to do something and the opportunity passed by and he was upset that we could do that thing. After talking, I found it wasn’t worth it to expect any kind of apology.

If your son is hitting and biting you, I recommend that you calmly explain that hitting and biting is unacceptable and that ‘it hurts Mummy’ when he does this. It’s unlikely he’ll be happy or proud about that.

Are there any influences in his/your life that may be triggering or compounding his behaviour? How is his diet? Does he watch aggressive/violent cartoons? Is there violence in the household from other siblings/family members?

Answer 3 (score 3)

You’re not alone

My son also went through a phase of intense/angry/violent tantrums. I used various ways to deal with this:

1. Take him to his room to let him yell, kick, thrash about without hurting himself or causing concern. This worked well many times as he just needed to ‘let rip’. I waited outside his room until he subsided and then knocked on the door to see if he was ready to talk. Eventually, he was, and we’d cuddle while he’d cry a little and tell me what was bothering him.
2. Went outside, to a large park, let him thrash it out there. Less private than his room, but if the tantrum was escalating while shopping, it was a good option.
3. Physical activity. I’ve observed that boys need a physical outlet, whether this be swimming, soccer, trampolining, climbing trees or just running about. He always felt a whole lot better after burning off some energy, especially if I turned this into a game - “I bet you can’t catch Daddy”… etc
4. Smacking does not work. If my son was frustrated and unable to express his frustration, smacking his bottom was completely pointless.
5. After the tantrum subsided, talking about what was upsetting him and why he had a tantrum was very productive - it was often something quite small like I’d missed his request to do something and the opportunity passed by and he was upset that we could do that thing. After talking, I found it wasn’t worth it to expect any kind of apology.

If your son is hitting and biting you, I recommend that you calmly explain that hitting and biting is unacceptable and that ‘it hurts Mummy’ when he does this. It’s unlikely he’ll be happy or proud about that.

Are there any influences in his/your life that may be triggering or compounding his behaviour? How is his diet? Does he watch aggressive/violent cartoons? Is there violence in the household from other siblings/family members?

Question

My 13 month daughter has no interest in standing or even putting weight on her feet. We’re concerned if she doesn’t start trying to stand she won’t start walking.

Is there anything I can do to encourage her to stand and strengthen her legs?

Answer accepted (score 10)

Put some toys on a sofa and maybe she will try to reach them from the floor, encouraging her to pull herself up. Or try to teach her to get off sofa or bed feet first.

Having said that, I wouldn’t worry about her not trying to stand up yet. Every kid has their own pace.

Answer 2 (score 8)

While a 13 month old may not be ready to stand or walk, they should be sitting and crawling. Crawling provides weight bearing through the upper legs and hips. Not crawling sometimes leads to later difficulties with sensory issues and some research has also shown later difficulty with reading/writing/visual convergence.

There are several possible reasons for a child to be non-weight bearing. Hypotonia or low tone makes it harder for a child to move against gravity. Also, some children who do not get enough tummy time do not develop the core strength that is needed. Some children do not learn to walk until around age 16-18 months though this falls into the lower limits of the typical range.

Here are some simple activities to encourage weight bearing. To help with strengthening gently bounce your daughter on a large exercise ball. Hold her low on her hips and shift her weight side to side and back to front while she is bouncing. This requires her to work core muscles to “right” her body in space. Place her on a smaller ball on her tummy and roll it forward and backward. Encourage her to place her hands on the floor and then roll it back on her feet or knees and encourage her to bear weight in each position. Place her in a hand-knee position over your leg and encourage her to play while bearing weight and reaching. Use a small box or tray table and place her in a kneeling position with her bottom sitting on the back of her heels (make sure her bottom does not drop between her feet). Entice her to come up to tall kneel to play with toys or reach for things. Sit her on a small stool or box so that her feet touch the floor in a flat position, hold her hands and practice coming from sit to stand and back to sit. Using singing, mirrors, toys and bubbles are all motivating devices.

An evaluation by a physical therapist may be warranted to give you peace of mind.

Answer 3 (score 7)

She is perhaps just not ready to stand yet. children develop at different rates, for instance I did not walk until I was 18 months old. It takes longer in some children for the neural structures which control balance and coordination to develop. I presume she is sitting and crawling? If so, it is probably just a matter of time and waiting for development to proceed. If she is not sitting and crawling then you might want to arrange for her to see a developmental therapist.

Question

My 2-month-old has recently discovered his thumb. He used to often suck his hands, normal baby behavior, and occasionally would “find” his thumb and happily suck for a while - usually when he was starting to get hungry. However, in the past few days he has started to suck his thumb much more often, almost constantly.

At first I let him do it because it was occasional, he seemed to enjoy it - and because a 2-month-old sucking his thumb is just adorably cute :) But now I’m starting to get concerned. Should I leave him and assume he’ll grow out of it, or will this just let him cement the habit and suck his thumb for years to come? (I really don’t like seeing 3+ year olds still sucking…)

If I should try to discourage it, what can I do? Should I just leave him alone? And if not, what are some ideas to break the habit?

I’ve tried pulling out his thumb and sticking in a pacifier instead (which he doesn’t seem to take too often)… but a minute later I’ll pass by and the pacifier is out, and a minute later the thumb is back in. (I’d prefer an addiction to pacifiers than to his thumb, considering that pacifiers can be taken away… Thumb-sucking is a much harder habit to break.)

I did look at the 2 following posts, but found that my situation was different, hence my question:

• When should an infant stop sucking on her hands?

• How to prevent children from sucking their thumb?

Answer accepted (score 1)

Some kids refuse pacifiers and at the same want the comfort from sucking. In those cases you probably can’t do much, and have to deal with it when the child is older. Thumbsucking is a problem to quit, as you can’t hide the thumb. But it is possible, and I think there is a thread on this as well.

Answer 2 (score 5)

As he is only 2-months, there is nothing wrong with him sucking his thumb, its only natural. As he grows older, he will gradually forgo this habit. But at the moment, he is a baby!

Answer 3 (score 5)

As he is only 2-months, there is nothing wrong with him sucking his thumb, its only natural. As he grows older, he will gradually forgo this habit. But at the moment, he is a baby!

Question

Our baby is coughing (wet) and sneezing , hence wanted to know what home remedies one can apply to her? Also I heard that there are not many general medicines for infants below 3 months.

Answer accepted (score 5)

Valkyrie is right. Steam was most definitely the best way to help alleviate coughing at that age. There are basically NO over-the-counter medicines for children at that age. Around 6 months some doctors feel comfortable prescribing Benadryl just to help them dry out a little bit which can help with drainage and coughing sometimes, and at 1 year you can start giving honey or honey-based elixirs to help with coughing, but at 3 months you’re left to basic home remedies.

We’ve had some success with laying our infants flat across our lap on their tummies and rubbing their back somewhat forcefully or patting to help break up any congestion in their chest. Obviously, you don’t want to hurt your child by doing this.

A cool mist humidifier is helpful for controlling coughing. Since you’re baby is 3 months old, if you’re in the States you can try Vicks Vapo-Rub for Babies. It’s a different formulation than adult Vapo-Rub using lavender, rosemary, and eucalyptus instead of camphor. Some people aren’t comfortable using Vapo-Rub on their small babies. Supposedly putting Vapo-Rub on your kid’s feet and putting socks on over it is supposed to help. It sounds ridiculous, but I have so many friends who have tried it and it swear by it. If you don’t want to put it on your child, you can also put some in a scented wax-warmer and let it diffuse through the air. The point is that your child needs to inhale the vapors and it doesn’t really matter how.

You might try elevating the head of her/his bed a little. If he/she’s coughing from drainage then putting a small pillow under the head of his/her bed may keep the drainage from running down the throat.

That’s all I got! Hope your baby feels better soon!

Answer 2 (score 3)

At that age, we had the best luck with steam. Close the bathroom door, turn on the shower at its hottest and let the room steam up. Sit in there with her for 10 or 15 minutes, or until the coughing eases.

I’ve also had luck with pediatric tunia massage; it hits pressure points that are connected to the cough centers in the brain. However, before doing anything like this, always check in with your pediatrician.

Answer 3 (score 2)

In addition to the methods already mentioned, here are things we’ve done with success:

• Using a cool mist humidifier that has some Vicks VapoRub (although we buy a generic brand) dissolved inside the water. You can also purchase dissolvable tablets for humidifiers, such as eucalyptus tablets.
• We run a small HEPA air purifier inside his room

The air purifier is mostly preventative, but may provide some relief to children that already sneezing.

We bought it because the apartment we lived in when my son was born was very old, very dusty, and the AC unit was of questionable cleanliness. We’ve moved to nicer places since then, but we continue to run the purifier when my son sleeps.

Question

How damaging is it for children to witness their parent’s sexual activity?

I asked this question here Some strategies for maintaining adult relationships separately from children? Which needed to be broken into two questions.

Answer accepted (score 30)

I think it depends more on the attitude of the parents and the child’s disposition and age than on the actual witnessing (and maybe, how kinky things were when the viewing took place). I didn’t find any online aricles with a scientific study on the matter or anything (how would you even go about a study like that really?) but I did find This article which goes into a little more detail than I do here.

My parents were always very open about things with me so when, on my twelth birthday a friend and I accidentally came across two adults in the act on the dock at the local swimming hole where I was about to have my party. Mom knew just from looking at me that I’d seen something and simply said, “You’ve just seen a matched pair haven’t you?” She didn’t even bat an eyelash about it, just very matter-of-fact almost as though every kid runs into such a moment eventually. Dad went and warned the couple (who were just the other side of the trees from where the picnic tables were) that there was about to be twenty some odd pre-teen girls arriving so they might enjoy another location more while mom simply followed up her first statement with, “any questions?” I think she must have called the other girl’s mom during the party to let my friend’s mom know what we had seen, but I don’t remember her making a big deal about it at all.

When my sister and I stumbled on some old nudie pics dad had of mom (which I’ll grant you is not the same thing as seeing them in the act), I laughed about the matter. My sister (three years younger and much shier by nature) was totally grossed out, but niether of us were traumatized and it is sort of a family joke now.

On the other hand, my husband’s family rarely discussed sex at all. So, when my youngest sister-in-law walked into her parent’s house at the age of 20 and heard “noises” she dropped her bags, turned and ran from the house and spent the night at a friend’s. She is still freaked out enough by the whole thing that if her siblings bring it up she goes cherry red and pretty much clams up for the rest of the time we are together despite the fact that she didn’t actually see anything and she was already sexually active herself. My mother-in-law apparently hasn’t figured out why this daughter’s bags arrived before the daughter herself (yea right).

So here is what I suggest:

• If you are walked in on and it is a kid old enough to know what is going on, that kid will probably leave (as in your case). Don’t race down the hall after him. Instead, get your clothes back on, compose yourself and take a deep breath. Then, walk down the hall and just say, “Hey, I know you just came in and saw what we were doing. I’m sorry you saw such a private moment, but if you would like to talk about it we can.” Then you are opening the door but not pushing anything. With younger kids that stay and have questions for you, I’d say, “we were having a private moment (insert child’s name) I’d like a minute or so and then I’ll come in and we can talk more about what you just saw” That way you are buying yourself a minute or two to regain composure, come down off the oxytocin high and be ready to anser questions at a develpmentally appropriate level.
• Tell it like it is - don’t lie. Even a primary school kid can understand. “Mommy and Daddy were having sex. This is something grown-ups do when they are married (or whatever limit you want to put on it - after they are -insert age here- or when they are ready for kids. . . ) However, it is something adults like to keep to themselves like going potty or having a shower so I am sorry we didn’t have the door locked.” It is important to not make the child feel he/she did anything wrong. “Do you have any questions about what you saw?”
• Try not to act embarassed about it. Sex is a natural act and you want your kids not to feel badly about it when it is the right time for them to engage - eventually - so treating it as a normal and natural thing is healthy for everyone.

Kids will be grossed out (at least a little) because it is only natural to want to think of your parents as sexless beings who just happen to be the only people who ever actually got a delivery (or deliveries) from the stork. I just don’t think it has to be traumatizing unless you treat it as if it is.

http://www.nbcnews.com/id/25936129/ also had some related info as did CNN: http://www.cnn.com/2013/04/24/health/kerner-kids-sex/

This question is about how to go about having the post- “whoops” moment talk with a teen.

Answer 2 (score 6)

I am Indian.

In India, co-sleeping is common, and children can hear parents having sex. Children don’t know what is bad or good. If they see their parents having sex, and the parents don’t freak out or panic, then I think the child will not panic as either.

Consider if a child saw his mom/dad taking a bath. If mom/dad tells their child. “honey, do you want to ask me something?” the child will probably say something, or leave. Parents can tell the child “honey, wait until I come out”. That’s why Naturism-Nudism families don’t make big deal about nudity.

Likewise it is not damaging to your kid if you handle it properly. Let them learn from every step of your life. It is not bad until you make them believe that it is bad. Watching parents having sex is not equal to killing, hitting, taking drugs, etc. It is equal to sleeping, taking baths, having food, or kissing.

Question

I am subscribed to a newsletter from babycenter.com. Just now I received a letter containing the following content:

Sleep solutions:
Once she reaches the age of six months or so, your baby will not need to feed so often at night and if you can manage to persuade her to drop those night-time feeds, it can be a real boost to you all as a family. Unfortunately, this is not always easy. One method that many parents use is “controlled crying”, also called sleep training. The idea behind it is that a baby of this age is waking for a feed out of habit rather than need, and the aim is to break that habit. At the same time, the method aims to reassure both you and your baby that she is still all right but that nights are definitely for sleeping.

How to identify whether a 7 months old baby is waking for a feed out of habit rather than need? Can she not be actually hungry? How would I know?

Answer accepted (score 8)

I’m not sure that I’m qualified to be answering – it’s been over a decade since my child was that age – but, for what it’s worth, I’m going to give my 2¢.

If a child is waking b/c they are hungry, then that is the only thing which will comfort them. If the child is waking for any other reason – dirty diaper, bad dream, etc – then curing that issue is the only thing that will comfort them. Knowing the specific needs of our children is a constant challenge and always changing. ;)

All children want, need, and long for love. Waking in the night when one is that young can be rather scary… they’ve only had 7 months to know that it’s dark and even then the first few months the eyes were developing. Holding them, comforting them, and putting them back to bed may very well be helpful (feeding may not be the issue, but the symptom).

Each child, however, is unique in darn near every regard. Some more “needy” (i.e. desire more attention and affection) and some more independent. I see nothing inherently wrong with acceding to their reasonable needs. A child afraid of the dark at 7 months may be a night owl at 17 years, and so on and so forth. At less than a year of age, one would, imo, be prudent to ask if certain behaviors are worthy of trying to rectify or if nuturing is the best course.

Again, just my 2¢, but I hope it is in some way helpful.

Answer 2 (score 6)

You don’t really know, but you can make some educated guesses.

• Is your daughter eating a reasonable amount during the day? Does how much she eats during the day affect how often she wakes up? Keep track for a few days, and try varying it a bit. If you find a maximum - ie, an amount either that she’s unwilling to eat more than, or that doesn’t have any impact on her waking - then you’re feeding her enough.
• Is she waking for some other reason? Is her diaper wet (have you moved to “night diapers” yet?), is she cold, etc. Eliminate those reasons.
• Can you get her back to sleep without feeding? Even if it takes ten or twenty minutes of rocking, petting, etc.? If so, and she actually stays asleep, then she’s not (too) hungry.
• How much does she eat when she night-feeds? You probably can tell by now how hungry she is during a feeding. If she’s snacking, then she doesn’t need to eat. If she’s starving and eating all that she can get her hands on, then she might still be hungry.

You don’t say if you’re breastfeeding or if you’re bottle feeding, and this is one of those places where it makes a difference. Breastfeeding at night is extremely comforting to the baby, and can make it a much harder habit to break for both mommy and baby - it was definitely hard for us.

I do suggest some version of ‘cry it out’, although not as extreme necessarily as some. What worked for us was to comfort our son but not get him out of bed, initially; then move on to letting him cry for a few minutes, but not very long. We never needed to let him cry for a lengthy period of time; he figured out pretty quickly that he wasn’t getting a midnight feeding.

Answer 3 (score 3)

I just coached my best friend through this same situation. I have three children; ages 9, almost 4, and 22 months. I breast fed two of them, bottle fed one. Someone already mentioned that this makes a difference: it does. My bottle fed boy had no trouble sleeping through the night by the time he started polishing off an 8 oz bottle at bedtime (around 20 weeks old ). He woke occasionally, but it was never hunger.

The other two, breast fed, well…they were both tough to get to sleep through the night. And by “through the night” i mean a solid 6 hours. I don’t know why, but breast babies just love to eat (ok, maybe I do know why (-; )…

If you are concerned that your baby might be hungry- stuff her to the gills before bed. So, say she goes down around 7:30 and you go to bed at 9; feed her at 9. She’ll be sleepy, but do your best to get at least a few minutes in without fully rousing her. Change the diap if you can get away with it (my boys were easily roused so I only made this mistake once). This way, you know she has had enough to eat (logically). If she’s waking up at 3 or 4 am, she might be hungry, or, an early riser. My second baby got up at 4 with the birds. He’d have his “breakfast” and then sleep till 9. This only lasted a few weeks till he just hung out in his crib without needing to eat. More proof that they won’t starve to death over night.

But, if your baby is waking between 11 and 3 am, let her cry for 10 min. It’s agonizing (and for us , this meant risking waking the other child(ren)) but listen carefully: is the intensity increasing? Or are there moments of quiet (they stop crying I think to listen " is mommy coming??") If she seems to be petering out, go a little longer and see if she settles. Sometimes they’ll cry off and on for an hour, but as long as it’s not desperate, all out wailing, let her be. If she’s ramping it up, have daddy go in and try to comfort her. Nothing extreme. Just a pat, quick hug…

If the hug/pat “daddy treatment” doesn’t help, try a diaper change. In the crib. In the dark (if daddy can manage). Then repeat the hug/pat procedure. Make sure she’s not too hit it cold. Walk away and let her cry again.

If she settles , awesome. If not, now you can try a quick feeding. If it lasts for less than 5 minutes, baby wasn’t hungry. She MIGHT have been thirsty. Try a humidifier if you’re in a very warm climate (and she might be sweating) or if it’s cold and dry.

FYI- i did all of this stuff and still was woken every three hours by my “Besty best pesty pest”. I thought my youngest would NEVER sleep through the night, until one night I desperately put him down in my room in a pile of laundry ( whilst i arranged myself for a feeding) and he passed out instantly. Apparently, my scent was enough. I scooped him up, dirty t shirt and all, deposited him very unceremoniously in his crib and he slept like -well, like a baby! - for 5 more hours. Try sleeping with your baby’s clean sheets for a couple nights before you put them in the crib and see if she sleeps better when her crib smells just like mommy. This was kryptonite for my youngest.

Once you get her to quit waking up in the wee hours, adjust the last night feeding to as late as you can stand it at first, then gradually move it closer to the baby’s bedtime. This sometimes means she’ll wake up earlier. My breast fed kids never went more than 7 hours. I adjusted that window to suit my needs. I wanted to sleep in so I let baby stay up later. You do what suits you.

My friend just did this with her first baby (always toughest with the first!) and despite her disbelief, and her husband’s insistence that the boy was hungry, her baby only cried for ten minutes the first night and then settled on his own, and cried once more two days later for 5 minutes, and now sleeps 8 hours! She has to wake him now because she can’t stand the morning engorgement! And he’s certainly not losing weight, so, this proves it had nothing to do with a NEED to eat at night.

So, should you let your baby cry it out? I think so. It’s really really awful to listen to, but, in the long run, it’s worth it to FINALLY get a good nights rest. An added benefit is that they often sleep better during the day because they know how to drift in and out of sleep on their own. Someone here mentioned ~45 min of crying…nerves of steel! I’ve had nights where it lasted a half hour (when my baby was a little older and I KNEW he wasn’t hungry-just a pest) and he survived, as did the baby who cried for close to an hour ( persistent little fella!)

Btw : if you think it’s hard now - try to imagine getting a two year old to break a bad habit. Not gonna happen. Do it now ! 7 mo olds are MUCH easier to train!

I hope this helps.

Question

This is probably a classic but here goes. Some time between midnight and three my 9 month old will wake crying. Often he is hungry or has gas and can be fairly easily consoled and falls asleep in our arms once his needs have been met.

However, on many occasions, no matter how long we wait or how deeply he appears to be asleep, the instant he “touches down” on his bed (or sometimes a few milliseconds before), he will arch his back and begin to cry. After that there is nothing to do but to pick him up again and he will frequently fall right back asleep in our arms.

What’s up with that? Is it time we take the shards of glass out of his mattress? (just kidding - I’m tired and feeling a little punchy).

When he first falls asleep for the night the Devil’s orchestra couldn’t wake the little sack of potatoes, but once he transitions to REM stage we go through this circus act. Not every night - some nights he will sleep straight through from 8:30 till 6:30. But on the “bad nights” we might be up for a couple hours doing the “putting himdown” song and dance.

I guess I want to get some opinions on “how the heck does he wake up instantly the moment he touches his bed?” and “why?” before moving on to what could be done.

Update

I’m answering my own question 4 years after the fact because I had the recent opportunity to think back on this and wanted to capture those thoughts.

Eventually things worked out. It was many months, but sleep habits formed and everyone ended up getting their much-needed rest. In the meantime, here’s what worked:

Reduce the % change in environment.

Basically, I tried to make sure that there was as little change at once, with pauses in-between. This translated to a fairly drawn out process, but anything was better than being up all night. In order to reduce the % change, I had to add a bunch of stuff that could be kept constant. Noise, lighting, temperature, etc. because of course physical contact and orientation were going to change as soon as I put him in the bed.

1. Noise: create a white noise environment that will not change when you put the child down - be aware that the sides of a crib can alter the frequencies that hit the ear, so be mindful of your sound source and how it sounds above the bed (where you’ll be rocking the child) and inside the bed.

2. Humming: add your own noise (humming or singing) to the mix. This is a good one because it maintains your presence, and (more importantly) can be tapered off gradually (sing quieter and quieter)

3. Light: be mindful of how any ambient light can be occluded by the sides of the crib - and possibly register on the child’s eyelids. And don’t forget your own shadow.

4. Orientation: you need to gradually move the baby into the exact orientation (in your arms) that the child will be on the bed. So figure out how you need to hold the child when being laid on the bed and maneuver him/her into position in your arms. Cribs with deep sides are killer because you have to really bend over and that can mess up your back. Don’t let the child roll when you lay them down! Be prepared to stay leaning over the crib with the child still in your arms, but touching the bed for agonizing periods before you remove your hands / arms, which changes body heat

5. Body Heat: blankets and swaddling are key here as they insulate the child from y our own body heat and there’s less of a temperature drop when you extract yourself.

6. Don’t leave yet! If by some miracle you’ve extracted your hands, stay where you are! Keep everything else constant - your humming, the white noise, the light, and your presence.

7. Ninja-like exit. Practice your exit - two steps max if you have creaky floors. I had it down to two steps, a pivot and close the door in under 2 seconds. When you’re ready to go for broke and you’ve followed all the other steps slowly, get out of there in a (soundless) flash.

8. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Ritual is the key. The more you do everything exactly the same, the more smooth the process will be.

9. Stay calm. Agitation is the worst. You know those nights you REALLY just need the baby to settle down because you have to get some work done, or go out, or just get to sleep? That’s the night it will take THE LONGEST! So just be calm. I got to a point where my inner monologue was “hey, enjoy it. You get to be with your baby just the two of you. These are precious moments. Besides, what else am I going to do with my time? This is what I was made for…” I’m not sure I bought my own propaganda all the time, but, 4 years later I can still look back at all that with fondness so I can only conclude that A) it WAS actually precious and special and rare and B) you forget the bad stuff and remember the good - as do your kids - and that’s why the human race has not died out.

Answer accepted (score 28)

You didn’t specify how you put him to bed, so here are a few suggestions. I think the infant will feel abandoned if you just put him down without a word, and then simply remove your hands, and then leave the room. I don’t imply that you do, but it’s a contrast. Have you tried to:

• Make soothing sounds (“sssshhhhh…”) before, while, and after you put him down, so he can hear that you’re there.
• Move yourself and your child slowly, carefully, deliberately, lovingly. Not to avoid waking him, but to convey a calm and quiet impression with your moves.
• Make the transition from “held” over “touched” to “alone” a soft one. When he is lying on the mattress, keep touching him softly. Just a calm, flat hand lying softly on the chest or back. Slide slowly toward the feet, slowly removing the pressure. Avoid touching his hands; that might signal a desire for interaction.
• Take your time putting him to bed. The entire act could be done in just a few seconds, but you could also stretch it over a whole minute or more. Slow, deliberate, soft.

I’ve also learned that sleeping children are very sensitive to their inner gyroscope. Rotations along the lengthwise axis (head to feet) are agreeable, but rotations across that axis (from vertical at your shoulder to horizontal in your arms/on the bed) is not agreeable. So make such rotations slowly.

Answer 2 (score 12)

My daughter is starting to do this as well and some babies do it more than others. They just feel safer (fetus position in your arms), warmer and the parent’s breath or balancing movement make your infant sleep very deeply.

Now putting him/her on the bed suddenly after having enjoyed his/her parents’ arms will make the baby wake up for sure. He is now flat on a “harder” surface, a lot cooler and there’s no balancing or parent’s heart beat. (maybe you got him used to it everyday since he was born)

When my daughter cries when I put her in bed, I make sure to let her know that I am still here next to her and make the bed move while talking to her (we have a special bed that we can balance). With a soft reassuring light in the room, I just need to wait for her to calm down and sleep again.

Sleeping time should come with a ritual that you repeat everyday at the same time. What worked for me is to first feed her, change clothes, put her in bed and play a little, talk to her/put some music and let her fall asleep quietly. (kiss her good night and say bye-bye) Make sure there’s no tv or other noise in the room and turn on a soft light.

EDIT:

After the last meal of the day we use this kind of pillow:

It’s only slightly inclined and is comfortable for the back but it is not soft like our pillows. (babies need to sleep on a moderately hard surface to develop back and neck muscles) It’s especially useful after the meal since it prevents the baby from chocking if he rejects some of his food. We try to remove it when the baby is fully asleep though. (because he has more chance to fall on the side when moving)

It is strongly recommended by doctors in France to use this kind of pillow to avoid suffocation by regurgitation after the meal. My daughter used to regurgitate when sleeping and in a flat position it is extremely dangerous. It is also recommended for babies with respiratory problems.

Obviously, don’t use the frightening pillows you can find in beofett’s link below…

Answer 3 (score 6)

Children (humans for that matter) are all sensory based beings. Changing from a parent’s embrace to a bed is a major change in sensory experiences. Specifically, the smell, temperature, density/softness, body orientation, and touch/texture are different. These changes stimulate most of the 7 sensory systems in the body (vestibular, proprioceptive, olfactory, tactile, visual, taste, and auditory sensors). Stimulation increases alertness which translates to awake or even startle and discomfort for some children.

Some children (including my son) have difficulty fully integrating the combined information from all these systems resulting in great difficulty self-regulating or calming themselves when becoming upset. He could never “cry it out” though at the physician’s directions we let him cry for hours until we learned about his sensory integration/processing deficits.

The challenge is to reduce the differences a child experiences during the transition from arms to the bed. Or, at least maximize calming sensations that reduce his “alarm” or “arousal” system. Calming strategies include calming sounds/noises (a sound machine, fan or even humidifier motor can work), rhythmical movement (bouncing, rocking, patting), deep pressure and warmth (swaddling, heavy cover, bunching arms/legs close to body), darkness (my son was photo sensitive and awakened when lights were turned on in distant rooms), and smells and textures (a piece of my silky gown provided the comforting scent and texture - for others silky binding on a favorite blanket works).

You keen observation and following your child’s led will give you the answers you are searching for and help you understand just what makes your child unique.

Question

I have a one and a half month old baby daughter who is getting a lot of dry skin and dandruff.

We have used olive oil to massage her skin and also Johnson’s baby lotion but still there is a lot of improvement needed.

Can someone suggest effective advice that worked for them?

Answer accepted (score 12)

Since it’s winter, it stands to reason that your baby’s skin is going to be a little dry. This link suggests cutting back on bath time, making sure the water isn’t too hot, and limiting the amount of contact your child has with soap. Baths strip the natural oils off the skin so you don’t want to over-do the number of baths she gets or how long she’s in the tub.

It also suggests moisturizing immediately after bathing as your skin will absorb the lotion better, and that the general rule-of-thumb with moisturizer is the thicker the better. If Johnson’s isn’t working, you might switch to a thicker lotion or a cream instead of Johnson’s which is pretty thin as lotions go. Some of my mommy friends have had good results with Cetaphil or anything that’s unscented and/or hypoallergenic.

Other suggestions:

1. Use a humidifier.
2. Don’t let salt or chlorine dry on the skin. In case you visit a local pool or something.
3. Protect your baby’s skin from the elements. Make sure when you take her out that she’s thoroughly covered and protected from the wind and cold.

ETA: As for her dandruff: She probably has cradle cap which is an incredibly common condition. Both my kids had it. It’s really hard to get rid of altogether, but you can sort of minimize it. When I washed my kid’s hair, I would take a really soft baby brush and sort of massage their scalp in circular motions while the shampoo was still in their hair. This will help loosen some of the dry skin and you can just rinse it away. It probably won’t get rid of it 100%, but it should help. I’ve also heard you can use olive oil to do this, and once I got really desperate and used a combination of shampoo and baby oil on my daughter’s scalp, but it took FOREVER to get all the oil out of her hair. There are also some cradle cap shampoos you can buy at any big box store if some of the home remedies don’t help. If it’s REALLY bad and none of this helps, then you should probably talk to your doctor about it.

Answer 2 (score 10)

Actually my pediatrician told me NOT to moisturize. Flaking skin like that is totally normal. Moisturizing will actually prolong it.

The baby was floating in fluid for 9 months, so this is a skin adjustment. As long as it’s not hurting her, you should be ok.

If there’s a lot of yellow crusty stuff on her head, I would recommend a bit of a brush.

This is what I’ve been doing, and my 1 month old is now coming to the end of the flakiness. When you bathe, rub with the washcloth. It will exfoliate. After the bath, rub lightly with the towel, and then after her hair is dry, brush her hair in an exfoliating way. Don’t bathe too often, every 2-3 days is best. And use very little soap, it can be drying. We actually barely get the water soapy.

Answer 3 (score 5)

My daughter has dry skin that gets a mild rash if left untreated. We took her to the doctor just to make sure it wasn’t anything more serious; short version of the story is that it’s not.

In any case, we use Aquaphor on her in the winter. When she was an infant, we used it on her every night. Now that she’s almost 3, she seems to be growing out of the need for such a heavy product. I used to feel a little bad because the stuff is so greasy, and we’d basically coat her in it–face, belly, back, arms, legs–and then put her PJs on. But she seemed to be fine with it and it really helped, more than anything else we tried, to keep her from getting rashes.

Question

This might seem like a funny question, but it actually is not.

My 13 month old daughter started to have constipation and we were trying to figure out what it could have been.

While researching, I found out that you need to stay away from BRAT (Bananas, Rice, Apples, Toast)…the combo that helps you when you have diarrhea. Those four things are actually her favorite. We started to reduce the amount of bananas (she really loved ‘nanas’) and the others, too and that seemed to do the trick. Upon further research supposedly ripe bananas do not cause constipation.

So my question is…how ripe does a banana have to be so as to not contribute to constipation?

UPDATE

http://www.raw-food-health.net/Bananas-Constipation.html - here’s a good reference that talks about ripeness and effects on constipation.

Answer accepted (score 13)

It’s not a matter of ripeness, if you feed her a banana you’re feeding her a banana. The BRATY diet is fine even when a child is well, you just need to make sure she’s drinking enough fluids.

Kids often don’t feel thirsty, or recognize it when they are, you have to remind them to drink. Make sure there’s water available to her, and remind her to drink. Constipation is often more a result of dehydration then diet.

Answer 2 (score 8)

According to Skeptics.SE: never. Banana’s ripeness has almost no effect on constipation.

https://skeptics.stackexchange.com/questions/13907/does-the-ripeness-of-a-banana-have-any-effect-on-causing-constipation/13911#13911

Answer 3 (score 1)

In this article on Ehow.com, it is the ripeness of banana that will determine if it can cause constipation or not. Green or unripened bananas can cause constipation because it is full of heavy starches that exacerbate constipation. Whereas, a ripe banana has fiber content which helps in removing the stool in the intestinal tract, so it helps in relieving constipation.

Question

We have a baby that is a little over a week old and it seems like after some feedings she is spitting up what looks like her entire meal (breast feeding). I’ve been weighing her and she still seems to be gaining weight.

If she is still gaining weight, is this something I should be worried about or is this just something that babies do?

Answer accepted (score 15)

This is something babies do. What looks like her entire meal is more likely a lot of drool and mucus, some stomach acid, and just enough breast milk to tint it white. There are some situations where a large amount of milk/formula gets burped up, and this is usually one of two situations; an overfull stomach (some babies will eat to bursting; the reflexes involved may allow for nothing else) or air behind a large amount of milk/formula (usually happens when feeding a baby on their back or side).

Babies, especially brand new ones, don’t have all their systems working perfectly in concert yet. Over the coming weeks you may notice she may not poop for a day or even two, though she’s eating plenty, and then she’ll have a massive blowout. That’s her peristalsis movements trying to get in gear in fits and starts. The stomach is similar; she’ll hold formula for a while without really processing it, then she’ll get a burst of stomach acids that will cause heartburn, belching and spit-up. It will all calm down and get into rhythm within the first couple of months.

As long as your baby is gaining weight and appears satisfied after feedings, you’re just fine. Just keep a receiving blanket or burp cloth handy to put over your shoulder.

Things you can do to reduce spit-up include:

• More frequent burping; if you normally switch breasts in the middle of a feeding, burp her when switching.
• Feeding in a more upright position; instead of the cross-body hold or the football, try reclining about 30-40 degrees and then laying her along your stomach, on hers.
• Making sure she’s got a good latch and is not sucking air as she feeds.
• Watching what you eat; the baby eats what you eat, so compounds in your food that cause belching and gas for you will show up in your breast milk and cause belching and gas for your baby too.
• If you were formula feeding I would have recommended trying a formula designed for sensitive stomachs and/or spit-up reduction. These contain proteins that are more broken down than traditional milk-based products, and rice starches to make the formula thicker and less likely to be regurgitated. They work; my wife wasn’t able to breastfeed and so we’ve been bottle-feeding a mix of pumped breastmilk and formula, and have noticed when we use the “for fussines and gas” and “spit-up” formulations it really does help.

Answer 2 (score 1)

As they say, this is something babies do and you should try all the other advice.

BUT, here is something extra you can try that works for some people, assuming baby’s Mom is breastfeeding: have Mom drink Acidophilus milk, or consume something else containing that culture. My wife and I were up many nights with one of our daughters where she’d wake up hungry, drink her fill, and throw up ten minutes later. Then there was nothing left to feed her for a while. Horrible. After a few months of this off and on, a friend found out about it and recommended my wife drink Acidophilus milk because it had worked for her. INSTANT fix for us. I never found out exactly why, because the doctor said that was crazy. But something must have been missing in babies guts, because it really worked for us.

Answer 3 (score 1)

As they say, this is something babies do and you should try all the other advice.

BUT, here is something extra you can try that works for some people, assuming baby’s Mom is breastfeeding: have Mom drink Acidophilus milk, or consume something else containing that culture. My wife and I were up many nights with one of our daughters where she’d wake up hungry, drink her fill, and throw up ten minutes later. Then there was nothing left to feed her for a while. Horrible. After a few months of this off and on, a friend found out about it and recommended my wife drink Acidophilus milk because it had worked for her. INSTANT fix for us. I never found out exactly why, because the doctor said that was crazy. But something must have been missing in babies guts, because it really worked for us.

Question

If a child was born today, which is July 18th and the third Monday of July, would he or she become one month old on August 18th or the third Monday in August (August 22)?

Thanks

Answer accepted (score 12)

This is a trick question. Each month does not consist of a whole (integer) number of weeks, except February, or equal number of days.

Just choose what you like best and stick with that. I would choose the n’th of the month and say my birthday is on the 18th, because that’s the easiest for everybody.

The only exception is if your birthday is February 29th. Then you need to know that the 29th is not actually the leap day, the 25th is! So in non-leap years your birthday is Feb 28th, not March 1st. If your birthday is on the actual leap day (25th) then I guess the 26th will do as birthday in non-leap years.

Counting weeks is only relevant for infants, when you see the pediatrician. He’ll know anyway, so don’t bother about that. Once the child is 8 weeks old, switch to counting months. Once he’s 24 months old, switch to counting (half) years.

Answer 2 (score 5)

I calculate month birthdays like I calculate year birthdays: By date.

Ie, the 29th of April, our daughter was one year and one month old. As she is born the 29th, this means she wouldn’t have an actual birthday most Februaries, but so what? It’s not like you have a party for monthly birthdays anyway. It’s just a matter of how many months you say she is, and for that you usually switch a couple of days before anyway. Nobody expects you to say that your kid is “One year, 5 months and 28 days old”. You say “18 months”.

But if you want to be exact: http://howoldismykid.com/

Answer 3 (score 4)

Being an engineer who works on things like recurring payments, I tend to over-engineer the answer for my wife’s liking. A month it turns out is really really close to 30.5 days. So I tend to use that. Which means each month is either 30 or 31 days… alternating. (note that this is much easier to use when using a date calculator that will let you just say “2007-08-07 + (30.5 * 18)”.)

Question

we have a 2 year old and we’ve been trying to do some potty training. She is very interested in using the potty and likes underwear. She also is very aware of when she goes. She’ll tell us right after she pees. But that’s the problem. How can we get her to tell us before she pees so we can let her sit on the potty?

Also, we tried sitting her on the potty for 5-10 minutes after “typical” pee times, such as when she wakes up in the morning(she wakes up dry). But she never has went in the potty.

Answer accepted (score 7)

It takes some practice for kids to really learn what it feels like to need to use the potty. When we first tried potty training our son, we put him directly into underwear and it was a big flop. We think the underwear just felt too similar to wearing a diaper to him.

So the second time we had a go at potty training, we let him run around naked from the waist down for a long weekend (3 days) at home. He had a few accidents (mostly pee), but seeing the pee run down his leg helped him make the connection between the sensation of needing to pee and actually peeing. We kept the potty in the living room so he wouldn’t have to run far if he needed to pee, and every time he got something in the potty we made a big deal about it (we sang, we danced, he got stickers….) even if it was only a little bit and the rest got on the carpet. We kept him plenty hydrated, and asked him very frequently if he needed to potty. If we felt like he hadn’t used the potty in awhile, we’d make him sit on the potty for a few minutes either until he went or it was clear he didn’t need to use the potty (4-5 minutes or so–we’d read a short book while he sat on the potty). After a few hours of this, he started getting the hang of it and would run to the potty if he had the slightest inkling that he needed to pee.

My husband found this method on the website of a woman who has supposedly potty trained children as young as 1 year old. She recommends that you continue to have your child naked from the waist-down whenever they’re at home for 3 months after the initial weekend of training, that you have them use the potty before you leave the house and immediately after you return home so that they get in the habit, etc. We circumvented some of the later suggestions because our son was older and didn’t really need the constant reinforcement that younger children need. Within a couple of weeks he was consistently using the potty and we’d only have the random accident (usually when he was so absorbed in what he was doing that he wasn’t paying attention), but that more or less too care of itself after a little while, too.

Answer 2 (score 7)

It takes some practice for kids to really learn what it feels like to need to use the potty. When we first tried potty training our son, we put him directly into underwear and it was a big flop. We think the underwear just felt too similar to wearing a diaper to him.

So the second time we had a go at potty training, we let him run around naked from the waist down for a long weekend (3 days) at home. He had a few accidents (mostly pee), but seeing the pee run down his leg helped him make the connection between the sensation of needing to pee and actually peeing. We kept the potty in the living room so he wouldn’t have to run far if he needed to pee, and every time he got something in the potty we made a big deal about it (we sang, we danced, he got stickers….) even if it was only a little bit and the rest got on the carpet. We kept him plenty hydrated, and asked him very frequently if he needed to potty. If we felt like he hadn’t used the potty in awhile, we’d make him sit on the potty for a few minutes either until he went or it was clear he didn’t need to use the potty (4-5 minutes or so–we’d read a short book while he sat on the potty). After a few hours of this, he started getting the hang of it and would run to the potty if he had the slightest inkling that he needed to pee.

My husband found this method on the website of a woman who has supposedly potty trained children as young as 1 year old. She recommends that you continue to have your child naked from the waist-down whenever they’re at home for 3 months after the initial weekend of training, that you have them use the potty before you leave the house and immediately after you return home so that they get in the habit, etc. We circumvented some of the later suggestions because our son was older and didn’t really need the constant reinforcement that younger children need. Within a couple of weeks he was consistently using the potty and we’d only have the random accident (usually when he was so absorbed in what he was doing that he wasn’t paying attention), but that more or less too care of itself after a little while, too.

Answer 3 (score 5)

I was very daunted by potty training. When my son was 2 1/2 he started peeing outside in the summer on the grass so I thought maybe he was ready. When I put him in underwear he cried and complained and peed in them. Not until recently he is 3 yrs. and 4 months did he tell me straight away that he didn’t want to wear diapers anymore. We came home one day and he decided to go pee in the toliet (although he actually pooed), and that was that. He’s had a few accidents but no more forcing him to wear underpants. I personally feel that a child will respond when they are ready. If you are having any major issues or outbursts I would say they are not ready. If it just revolves around accidents they just need a little bit more training.

Question

My daughter is three months old, and I’m starting to wonder if she’s teething. What would be signs that she’s started to cut teeth, and is the age in the normal range for that development?

Answer accepted (score 7)

It is possible for a baby to teethe at any age - some babies are born with teeth. The most notable sign is… well, teeth. Do you see swollen gums or little white nubs in her gums? Those would be teeth. Excessive drooling or crying for no reason can be a little hard to identify in a 3-month-old, but you know your baby, so only you can tell what’s excessive. At 3 months, they start to drool a bit more and be more vocal anyway, even if they’re not teething.

I’ve also seen a number of babies that develop bright red cheeks as a sign that they’re teething. That seems to be the one least likely to be confused with just typical baby.

Answer 2 (score 6)

Yes, three months is in the normal range of development. As pointed our earlier, babies can teethe at any age. My daughter (same age) is also teething. In her case, the signs include:

• frequent gum licking and finger sucking
• using the nipple of bottles as a soother when I’m trying to feed her
• when she’s inconsolable and we suspect teething pains, she settles down quickly when giving her something to suck on (even a finger)

Answer 3 (score 3)

3 months is on the early side but not too early. WebMD has a good description of teething here.

My baby will be very fussy, refuse food, prefer her bottle/sippie over solids, not sleep well, will randomly have sudden bursts of severe crying out of nowhere, make weird faces and work her jaw a bit from time to time, drool a lot and chew on things pretty strongly. However, she will not let us stick our fingers in her mouth for anything.

However, I should caution you that some of these signs of teething are also signs of an impending developmental milestones. We’ve had several false alarms where we thought a tooth was incoming but as it turned out, our baby started sitting, crawling, or trying to walk or talk. At 3 months, your baby may be trying to roll over, starting to prefer certain people, developing her ability to grab things, and is understanding language more and more. Babycenter has some great descriptions of everything your baby may be starting to do. Even one of those things is a LOT and can cause the baby to be completely thrown off, scared, fussy, etc.

Good luck!

Question

Our 6 months old son wants to walk and gets upset if either of us won’t support him while he’s doing so. He can’t crawl yet, can’t sit up without tipping over eventually, and he can’t stand on his own. He can put considerable weight on his legs and sometimes outright refuses to sit (he literally bends backwards, lifting his tushy so we can’t sit him down in a car seat or high chair), but lacks balance to stay in an upright position. He also can’t stand on his own, even if he supports himself.

If we don’t stand him up or help him walk, he becomes fussy, screams, or cries. Occasionally, he won’t have trobules with sitting down, but a lot of the time he just wants to stand, and often walk while we support him, or in a baby walker.

We’ve recently been told this is bad, but weren’t told why. Is it bad, why, and what do we do?

Answer accepted (score 6)

Actually walking at six months is highly unusual, but “cruising”, or walking holding on to furniture, is less so. The Denver II indicates that 25% of seven month olds can walk holding onto furniture (and while that test is controversial to use for diagnostic purposes, it can be useful to get a broad idea of when stages are likely to occur). My oldest sounds very similar to your child; his daycare had cruising height shelves all around and through the room he was in, and by six months he could pull himself up and cruise along them with ease.

What makes me a bit confused here is that you say he can’t sit up. Sitting up is something that should come before walking, in particular because it is a similar set of muscles: the abdominal muscles that help you sit up also keep your balance. This is actually where walkers, bouncers, or even assisted sitting devices (i.e., chairs, bumbos, etc.), can be a bad thing; they let your child sit/stand/whatever without using those balance muscles.

So, my suggestion is to lay off of the walkers (or bouncers or assisted sitting devices), and instead set up his room (or wherever he spends most of his time) with some appropriate height furniture that he can pull himself up on. That would be things that are around 18-24" high; a coffee table can be a good start, or a low couch. Something heavy enough that he won’t move it by accident (and not bookshelves or other high things that can fall, certainly!). Give him several options around the room, and then encourage him to work on pulling himself up. That should allow him to work out his ‘stand up’ needs while helping develop his abs. And if he sometimes wants to walk with you helping him out - that’s perfectly fine; but make sure he’s getting plenty of work in where he’s doing the balancing too.

At the same time, you have lots of things you can do to help him develop his abs (and his other muscles) while he’s on the floor. Give him toys that are fun to play with in a seated posture: baby pianos, things that make noise when you hit them from above, etc. Then, sometimes sit him at those toys (so he can work on staying sitting up), and sometimes put him near the toy but not seated (so he can work on sitting up from lying down). Giving him plenty of things to do, while letting him develop the muscles and gross motor skills he needs to be working on, should help him get to where he wants to be.

And, on a related note, this kind of thing will be common all throughout childhood. He will want to do things he can’t do yet, and be frustrated and upset when he can’t. Helping him do things is totally fine, as long as you’re doing it in a way that you don’t inhibit his development of those skills himself. But even past that, he’ll simply be frustrated sometimes, and one of the skills you can help him with is learning to manage that frustration. When he’s 2 or so, he’s going to hit a point where he can talk pretty well, but you can’t understand some of the things he says, and that’s going to be so incredibly frustrating for him. When he starts riding trikes, he won’t be able to pedal at first, and he’ll be incredibly frustrated by that. Each of these are teachable moments, where you combine teaching him how to handle frustration emotionally and process that emotion with helping him work out a plan to overcome the obstacle.

Answer 2 (score 2)

First, you should be aware that baby walkers are considered harmful today. Stimulating walk before the child is in the right development phase is bad too.

A 6-months old’s usual activity is to lay or crawl, not stand and walk (it’s very early for walking, although standing can be OK not overstimulated, as seen here). Do you have an idea why he wants to stand up? Is it because he lacks interesting activities at near-ground level (laying down or crawling) and therefore wants to stand? Do you stimulate him to get him to stand or walk (hence the baby walker)?
If yes, you should probably stop and try to stimulate him with laying and crawling on the floor. Try to find different activities and encourage activities laying on the floor or crawling, e.g. catching toys or stuffed animals, playing with bells or rattles, enjoying small books with things to see and to touch. You can even lay and crawl yourself with him – kids love to see adults behave like them from time to time.

Now, every child is different and yours might be more “walky”. But still: he won’t learn walking before crawling. And trying to rush through the phases of development won’t help him – early walkers are good crawlers first.

As a side note: Beware also of car seats and similar equipment for long hours: a 6-months old’s place is to play on the ground, not stay seated. Only that way he’ll learn crawling and from there walking.

Answer 3 (score 2)

First, you should be aware that baby walkers are considered harmful today. Stimulating walk before the child is in the right development phase is bad too.

A 6-months old’s usual activity is to lay or crawl, not stand and walk (it’s very early for walking, although standing can be OK not overstimulated, as seen here). Do you have an idea why he wants to stand up? Is it because he lacks interesting activities at near-ground level (laying down or crawling) and therefore wants to stand? Do you stimulate him to get him to stand or walk (hence the baby walker)?
If yes, you should probably stop and try to stimulate him with laying and crawling on the floor. Try to find different activities and encourage activities laying on the floor or crawling, e.g. catching toys or stuffed animals, playing with bells or rattles, enjoying small books with things to see and to touch. You can even lay and crawl yourself with him – kids love to see adults behave like them from time to time.

Now, every child is different and yours might be more “walky”. But still: he won’t learn walking before crawling. And trying to rush through the phases of development won’t help him – early walkers are good crawlers first.

As a side note: Beware also of car seats and similar equipment for long hours: a 6-months old’s place is to play on the ground, not stay seated. Only that way he’ll learn crawling and from there walking.

Question

I understand that temper tantrums are relatively normal for many children.

However, some children seem to have far more temper tantrums than other children their age, and others far fewer.

Can temper tantrums be indicative of problems that should be addressed? If so, how do you tell the difference between “normal” temper tantrums and ones that indicate a problem?

Answer accepted (score 15)

Tantrums are a symptom, not really the problem. You can try to deal with the symptom but until you get to the root of the actual cause, you stand little chance of eliminating the symptom in the long term.

It is important to remember that many toddlers have not really developed their ability to communicate. Often a tantrum is a sign of frustration, however it is important to always remember that our children are learning every time we respond to something they do. If a child throws a tantrum and it results in getting what they are seeking, then of course more tantrums are in your future. That is not to say that if you do not give in they will stop all together.

Look for commonalities in the tantrums - is there a common trigger? Is it something you could head off? Begin talking with your toddler about expectations before you get there“we are going into the store to buy new pants, we will not be looking at toys today.” That way if they begin to ask in the store you can circle back to the previous conversation.

The number one thing to do to help your child is to be consistent and to follow through - it you tell them you will leave the store if they have a tantrum, then you must leave regardless of the inconvenience to you. Now is the time to let them know what the expectations are and you are not going to back down - at some point they will stop testing you. Know it is never too late to help your child be in better control of their behavior. A book I strongly recommend is “No: why kids of all ages need to hear it and ways parents can say it” by David Walsh.

I will further say, as someone who has taught students of all grades from preschool to high school, now is the time to really make the effort to get it under control or your teenager will be more than a handful!

Answer 2 (score 9)

After doing some research on this, it seems that some tantrum behaviors might be warning signs of problems.

First, though, it is helpful to understand what causes tantrums.

Tantrums are the results of a child feeling overwhelmed or frustrated. They typically occur in children aged 2-3, and normally taper off by 4 years of age. They are normal parts of growing up, and frequently occur when the child’s vocabulary isn’t sufficient to express their feelings. Source.

However, the article goes on to describe some of the boundaries of “normal” temper tantrums:

Children who have temper tantrums often have other problems like thumb sucking, head banging, bed wetting and problem sleeping. If these behaviors happen, or if your child has temper tantrums that last more than 15 minutes or occur three or more times a day at younger than 1 or older than 4, seek help from a family physician, psychologist, or marriage and family therapist. Be advised to seek more than an exclusively behavior therapy approach, for results have been reported to be about equally effective and ineffective (11, 14, 17). An approach is recommended that combines the best of behavior modification, family systems thinking (1), and other approaches like paradoxical intervention (6).

The article continues to describe a cycle of destructive behavior patterns that can be associated with problem tantrum behavior:

Sometimes temper tantrums in preschool children are the beginning of patterns that lead to children becoming increasingly disobedient, rebellious and aggressive as they grow older. At the Oregon Social Learning Center, aggressive boys in angry families were studied (12, 13). A complex pattern was observed that included:

• Parents have trouble with some stressor events like divorce, prolonged unemployment, illness, alcohol or other drug problems, other chronic problems, or dealing with a difficult child.

• Parents have difficulty controlling children’s teasing, yelling, disobedience, whining.

• Parents allow the child to get away with angry displays.
• As children learn what they can get away with if they are encouraged to display temper tantrums, angry outbursts, etc., they become increasingly disobedient, rebellious and aggressive.
• More and more peers reject the child and parents tend to reject or avoid the child, too.

Carol Tavris (16), in her book, Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion, writes about the pattern becoming circular and occurring hundreds of times each day. She sees the pattern as a three-step process:

1. The child is attacked, criticized, or yelled at by an exasperated parent, brother or sister;
2. The child responds aggressively.
3. The child’s aggression is rewarded when the attacker withdraws and the child learns to use tactics such as whining, yelling and temper tantrums.

When other family members also use these methods, the problems increase. At the Oregon Social Learning Center, Patterson (12, 13) found that when angry exchanges lasted longer than 18 seconds, the family had an increased chance of becoming violent. When talking or even yelling went on and on, it often led to hitting.

WebMD supports the warning signs indicated above, and provides a few examples of other problem signs:

Difficult behavior that frequently lasts longer than 15 minutes, occurs more than 3 times a day, or is more aggressive may indicate that a child has a medical, emotional, or social problem that needs attention. These are not considered typical temper tantrums. Difficult behaviors may include:

• Kicking, hitting, biting, scratching, hair pulling, or pinching other people.

• Throwing or breaking things.

• Head-banging or inflicting self-injury.

Answer 3 (score 5)

If throwing a tantrum gets the child something the child wants, then lots of tantrums only indicates that the child is not an idiot. As a parent, you need to be aware of how the tantrums develop and decide what is really going on. When you make that determination, figuring out if there is something bigger than trying to get a want satisfied is pretty straight-forward.

The issue is not that temper tantrums happen, or even how often temper tantrums happen, it is whether the child responds to correction and how quickly the child goes from calm to crazy. If the child doesn’t respond to corrective actions, or has a shorter trigger than other kids of a similar age, I might be concerned and look at things more deeply, or even go see a professional. But if the parental response to a tantrum is to cave, the kid will throw tantrums all day long, and that will be perfectly normal.

There is a good discussion about dealing with tantrums here, although the higher voted answers seem to be more about calming the child and negotiating, which will encourage more tantrums, than about preventing future tantrums. What that says about parents and kids today I haven’t figured out yet …

Question

I’ve posted here before asking for advice for getting our toddler (2 yrs 5 mths) to sleep, as he’s going through a very difficult phase. Once put to bed, he constantly gets out of bed and/or screams. Falling asleep generally takes at least an hour and is very stressful, and unless I sleep in the room with him, he generally wakes and cries out for me every couple of hours.

I did carry out Supernanny’s “Stay in Bed” technique. But after 3 weeks of following it to the letter it became apparent that this was not the solution. He was still needing to be put back 40 or 50 times, and had started to see it as a game.

So, out of desperation, I’ve started using my own method that I’ve not heard suggested anywhere, but which seems to be more effective than anything else:

Basically, I put my child back in bed a few times when he gets out. Then I tell him that if he gets out of bed again “Daddy’s going to go outside and shut the door”. And then- most importantly- carry it out if he does. I only leave the door shut for less than a minute each time, and I stand outside the whole time.

I’ve also done the same thing to stop him from shouting out, which he will do for minutes or hours on end. “If you shout again Daddy’s going to go outside and shut the door”.

Do you think this sounds like it could be too traumatic for him? I don’t like doing it and it doesn’t make me feel good about myself, but the kid’s got to sleep. (My wife won’t even try it- it’s too upsetting for her.) And, as yet, this is the only method that actually gets him lying in his bed quietly.

Answer accepted (score 26)

I don’t think there’s anything traumatic about the way you’re handling the situation. You’re not locking him in his room for hours on end and ignoring him, you’re removing yourself from a situation so as not to prolong it.

When my son was 2 we had a similar situation of him getting out of bed multiple times before falling asleep. The Supernanny technique was a little more effective for us, but not 100% until he was older (about 3 probably), and he would still get up in the middle of the night and climb into bed with us. There were a few times when I had to put a tension gate in his doorway because after the 20th time of him climbing out of bed for the seventh night in a row, neither myself nor my husband could handle it anymore. Like your wife, I couldn’t handle shutting the door on him, but putting up the tension gate allowed me to leave the door open and prevented him from physically leaving his room. I finally accepted that I didn’t care if he slept so much as he stayed in his room, and he’d eventually crawl into bed and go to sleep. If he really needed us, he could yell for us and we would hear him. Sometimes he’d cry or be upset or he’d stand at the gate and throw toys into the hallway, but that I could deal with.

Answer 2 (score 15)

I think there are two questions that actually need to be answered here:

1. Is it traumatic for a toddler’s bedroom door to be closed at all?
2. Is it traumatic for a toddler’s bedroom door to be closed as discipline?

To the first one, I say, no, it’s not. At two, kids are generally old enough to understand that even though you’re not around and they can’t get to you right away, you’re not gone. For example, we close my (2 year old) son’s bedroom door when he sleeps, and he’s just fine. He can’t open it yet, so when he needs something, or is ready to get up, he simply knocks on the door until we respond.

To the second one, I say, no, if you’re reasonable about it. In my opinion, “reasonable” is going to vary, depending on the behavior. Locking him in his room for an hour because he spilled some water on the floor is unreasonable. Letting him cry in his room for an hour at bedtime as part of sleep training isn’t necessarily unreasonable.

One of the keys I’ve found with “sleep training” is to learn the difference between a “real” (aka - “I genuinely need something”) cry and a “fake” or tantrum cry. Respond to the real ones, don’t respond to the tantrums (for example, when my son throws a tantrum in the day time, my general response is along the lines of “are you finished?”, as I proceed to do my own stuff). You really have to force yourself to not respond in any way to the tantrums, or you’ll never get anywhere.

One thing I found that worked to get the message across to stay in bed without feeling like total garbage (I don’t think any sane person really likes locking their child in their room, even if they fully believe it’s for the best in the long run), is to be a living wall. Sit at the side of the bed, and any time he tries getting out, as soon as he starts, block him and tell him “no, it’s time for bed.” He will still very likely throw a tantrum and it will likely take a while for it to sink in, but I found it to be effective, without as much anxiety over locking him in his room.

On a side note, what are his eating habits during the day, especially right before going to bed? I found that my son will get up many times, if he’s hungry, even if he didn’t show an interest in food at dinner time. I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s too distracted during the day to realize he’s hungry. Let him have a good snack a little before bed - some veggies, yogurt, or a granola bar work well. I also make sure to keep a sippy cup of water in his room, too, since the air tends to be dry in our house. These two things have gone a long way in keeping him in bed.

Answer 3 (score 10)

If closing his door actually gets your son to stay in bed quietly and fall asleep and he’s not screaming bloody murder, then it sounds like an appropriate solution to me.

My youngest child sleeps best when his door is closed, so we just leave it closed all night long. Our oldest will tantrum for hours if her bedroom door is closed, so it stays open. Our middle child often doesn’t care, but occasionally wants her door one way or the other.

I think the important thing is that you break him out of the cycle he’s developed. Once you get him used to a new bedtime rhythm that you both find acceptable, then you can look at perhaps leaving his door open as long as he behaves.

One other thing to look for is something else during the day you can change to make going to bed easier. Maybe put him to bed a bit later or a bit earlier. Skip the last nap, or make sure he gets it. There may be some relatively low-impact changes you can make in the day to make bedtime smoother.

Question

Our daughter is currently 1, and we’re contemplating a second child. We’re not super happy with our current stroller and are thinking of getting a new one.

We’re debating the utility/need of a tandem stroller. The idea is to have our second child when the first is 2 1/2 - 3, so the question comes to, “At what age can I expect my daughter to not need a stroller?”

I am of the opinion that my daughter, while able to walk, won’t walk quickly, and will get tired, thus we’ll need a stroller to accommodate her, but my wife isn’t so sure.

Thanks

Answer accepted (score 14)

Not need a stroller: at around 2½ years of age.
As soon as your daughter can walk adequate distances, the stroller is no longer technically needed. But of course the acceptable distance grows shorter when she’s tired or in a bad mood. Even for you it can be very convenient for bringing along small amounts of necessary luggage.

Not desire a stroller: at around 4 years of age?
Depending on how lazy she will become (or be allowed to become), and depending on other modes of carriage (tomjedrz’s wagon suggestion), kids would of course love to be chauffeured around for as long as possible, until their curiosity and impatience makes them want to explore on their own.

As an alternative, consider carrying the new baby in a carrier while keeping the daughter in the stroller. Babies can be comfortably carried for at least a year, especially if you use suitable equipment.
I’m personally against the Baby Björn type of carriers because of inadequate leg support – I’d recommend a sitting position like in the Manduca – but these details are veering away from your question.

Answer 2 (score 6)

If you have the funds, get a stroller that can accommodate both kids. In theory, you do not “need” a stroller for a child who walks well enough to keep up with you. In practice, it doesn’t work that way, because toddlers and preschoolers get tired, and bored, and consequently difficult. Nothing ruins an afternoon out like an unhappy child.

The common experience in my extended family, which has a dozen children now between 15 and 22, is that the strollers remained useful until the kids outgrew them. They gradually were used less and less as the children got more mobility and endurance, and migrated from person carriers to stuff carriers as the kids got older.

Basically, the stroller allows for outings to be extended and be more fun for all, because the tired kids can rest or sleep or tune out, and more things to keep kids amused can be brought along.

A brother-in-law got a large wagon that filled a similar purpose for the youngest kids until 7 or 8, and is still used for keeping stuff at outdoor events. We go borrow it for our annual pilgrimage to the LA County Fair!

Answer 3 (score 3)

My little boy is 2 years old plus a few months, and since a while (3 months?) we don’t use the trolley anymore. I could be a matter of life habits: we use our bikes when we go in the vicinity, and when we go further, by car, it is usually to places like lakes or mountains where trolleys are useless anyway, and then we bring a “baby-backpack”. I also can carry him on my shoulder if needed. So I would say: buying a special “two-kids” trolley is probably a bad idea, as it is not necessary and probably not very convenient to use.

There is a comment I don’t agree with: “Nothing ruins an afternoon out like an unhappy child”. That is not my way to see this. I try to not let my kid, however unhappy, ruin any afternoons of mine, and anyway having or not a trolley should not be a reason for him or her to be unhappy.

This unhappiness thing is an interesting topic. In fact, I actually train my kid to be unhappy, by sometime randomly taking the thing he holds from his hands. He cries a bit, and then I do something else with him, playing with the sand on the streets, or finding another object for him to hold. I expect him to be less dramatically affected next time he is “unhappy”.

I think being able to accept that things are not always going the way one like is of the highest importance and should be taught early, to everyone. (I can tell that this lesson has not been learned well, even by some very well-kwon adults!)

Question

Noob parent here. I have a 9-mo who’s currently pretty stuffed up: snoring, a little wheezing, constantly runny nose etc. I’m not worried about long-term, since it seems to be “only” a cold. But when sleeping are there any hazards? To cut to the chase: can he die from lack of oxygen / inability to breathe?

Not to lead the question, but I’m guessing not, considering the human race has survived as long as it has, but I’m a noobie parent and everything is scary.

Answer accepted (score 5)

Plenty of babies have colds and survive just fine. :)

A stuffy nose doesn’t prevent mouth breathing – so put a humidifier in the room (the cold-water type) to prevent that irritating his throat, watch for fever, and he’ll be fine.

“SIDS” is one of those medical terms like “idiopathic” that means, in layman’s terms, “we don’t know WTF just happened, let alone why”. Unless there is new research of which I’m not aware, not even your doctor can tell you what will/won’t cause SIDS.

Answer 2 (score 4)

Not a doctor, but based on my child’s countless colds which landed him overnight in the hospital once and on oral and inhaled steroids twice (all before he turned 18 months old), I would definitely go see a doctor if you are concerned. (Turns out our son has cold-induced asthma aggravated by mold we found in our home.)

The congestion itself is uncomfortable, but kids will naturally breathe through their mouths if their nose is stuffed up. I highly recommend using saline drops (make at home or purchase) and using the Nose Frida – a Swedish snot sucking product (http://www.nosefrida.com/). It sounds gross but it works better than the suction bulbs which can be too strong. For extreme cases, your doctor or the pediatric ward of the hospital has mechanical suction tubes which easily clear our noses for kids who can’t blow their noses yet.

The wheezing is more worrisome. It means he has fluids in his lungs and may have trouble breathing. When our son was wheezing, he was still happy and chipper and we didn’t really worry. Shortly after that thought, our doctor suggested we get to the hospital asap. So we learned the hard way that children having trouble breathing and aren’t getting enough oxygen in their bloodstream work harder to breathe and lose a lot of energy and liquid by breathing hard through their mouths. Some bad signs to look for:

• Breathing faster than normal constantly (depends on child, but getting over 35-40 bpm was worrisome to our doctor; my son is at about 28-30 when healthy)
• No urine / few wet diapers over a day (getting dehydrated == very bad)
• Retraction at the base of the neck below esophagus or below ribcage: if it looks indented as your child breathes, this means they are working really hard to breath. When healthy, there shouldn’t be any hard sucking in that causes the retraction. (Check your own body out to see.)

Again, when in doubt, go to the doctor.

Answer 3 (score 0)

When in doubt visit a doctor. He will probably say its not a big problem while checking for lung/ear/throat infections.

About your ‘human race has survived as long as it has’. Just think back of the billions of kids that died along the way.

Question

She used to be fairly intent and placated by feeding (she’s 6 months now). About two weeks ago she started squirming around quite a bit while drinking from her bottle. She arches her back and moves all over the place. She’s still happy and hungry, I just can’t figure out why the change from calm to a total wiggle-worm would have taken place. Thanks!

Answer accepted (score 8)

That’s what’s great about parenting. As soon as you start getting it down, it changes. It’s a stage every child goes through. As they gain more control over their bodies, they assert it. Try some different holds until you find one that works. I’ve found two different ones useful. One is to cradle the baby in my left arm, but hold the baby’s right arm under my left armpit, so he’s turned a little more toward me and is restrained from turning. The other way is to sit the baby on your lap facing out. It looks weird, but works really well for some kids.

Answer 2 (score 4)

Probably because her vision is improved significantly in the last few months; she sees things much clearer now, and everything is FASCINATING to her - and thus VERY distracting.

Answer 3 (score 2)

My daughter(6months old) does the same thing: she’s very squirmy - will take a few sips, stop to look around, take a few more, stop and so on. I try to give her a blankie so she can feel the texture and although this sometimes helps, the only time she will peacefully drink her bottle is in the night time.

Question

I’m concerned about the hygiene of my newborn daughter’s private areas. After pooping there are rarely any poop globules located between labia, but it does sometimes happen. Moreover, the “liquid” poop also has a chance of getting there - and it sometimes does.

How firmly should I clean those areas? Just on the surface and delicately remove any globules, or widen the area with two fingers and clean the area around the opening of the vagina more thoroughly?

Answer accepted (score 16)

You should check for feces between the labia and wipe any globules away as needed. Infections can and will arise if stuff is allowed to sit there. You can gently spread the labia to get a good look and make sure there isn’t anything “hiding” in a fold.

Soaps and other kinds of cleansers can also create problems so use a moistened cotton ball or swab instead of the wipe. If I recall, baby pee while having mother’s milk is pretty inoquous. I remember wiping my baby on the outside for this along with a very gentle wipe between the labia, but not needing to be too concerned about being extremely thorough.

It is also important to wipe front to back, not back to front as the bacteria that further back can infect the ureter - when it is time for her to learn to wipe herself this will be important to teach her then too.

Another thing to know about this is that you can expect things to look a little different for the first few days. There is a white material that coats a baby’s skin while in the womb called vernix. Most of this comes off on its own before and during child birth, but the stuff in a girl’s genitals often takes the longest to come off. Leave it there because the skin will absorb it and it is a nice moistureizing protective layer in the mean-time.

You can also expect her genitalia to be a little swollen and sometimes even see a tiny bit of blood in her diaper in those first days. That is because she has been exposed to mom’s hormones while she was still in the womb so it isn’t anything to worry about.

The really nice thing to know about all of this is that you’ll be in to see the pediatrician soon so if anything is amiss, the doctor can catch it and you’ll be able to get confirmation that all is well if you have any haunting concerns. Enjoy her!

http://www.babycentre.co.uk/a115/caring-for-your-babys-genitals